Sense required :-)

[CosmicBoots]

Hi guys, just wondering if you could help me make sense of what is probably a no-brainer to someone looking in from the outside.

 

My ex left suddenly about a month ago. We've been living together for 4 years, and seeing each other on and off for about the same before that (he drove the 'off times'). Prior to him moving out we were having problems, but I thought it was just a phase. It felt like we were taking each other for granted. Our relationship consisted of not much more than sitting watching TV together most nights. I tried getting him to do things with me. I thought even a couple of hours a week of going out of the house and doing something together would have been enough to kick start things again, but he just didn't want to. He had a routine which basically consisted of work and going to the pub, then home to watch telly. Every time I tried to speak to him about it he'd look at me and ask whether I was chucking him out. I told him I wasn't and didn't want to. He asked if I wanted someone else. I said I didn't and never would. But things never changed and I started feeling like he wasn't bothered about me. Then all of a sudden he decided enough was enough. That he didn't want to stay any more. Up to this point he hadn't spoken to me about his being unhappy, in fact it seemed like he was so happy with his routine that this was the reason why he couldn't move away from it.

 

I really believed that despite everything we would find a way through it. As I said at the beginning, we had loads of 'false starts' to the relationship before we finally got together for good 4 years ago. Since then he's been amazing, especially in terms of supporting me through a really rough patch. At the end of that I left my job to start my own business earlier this year although I wasn't relying on him financially at all.

 

I've probably missed out loads. Feel free to ask questions. Any thoughts?

[ChelseaLS]

Hi guys, just wondering if you could help me make sense of what is probably a no-brainer to someone looking in from the outside.

 

My ex left suddenly about a month ago. We've been living together for 4 years, and seeing each other on and off for about the same before that (he drove the 'off times'). Prior to him moving out we were having problems, but I thought it was just a phase. It felt like we were taking each other for granted. Our relationship consisted of not much more than sitting watching TV together most nights. I tried getting him to do things with me. I thought even a couple of hours a week of going out of the house and doing something together would have been enough to kick start things again, but he just didn't want to. He had a routine which basically consisted of work and going to the pub, then home to watch telly. Every time I tried to speak to him about it he'd look at me and ask whether I was chucking him out. I told him I wasn't and didn't want to. He asked if I wanted someone else. I said I didn't and never would. But things never changed and I started feeling like he wasn't bothered about me. Then all of a sudden he decided enough was enough. That he didn't want to stay any more. Up to this point he hadn't spoken to me about his being unhappy, in fact it seemed like he was so happy with his routine that this was the reason why he couldn't move away from it.

 

I really believed that despite everything we would find a way through it. As I said at the beginning, we had loads of 'false starts' to the relationship before we finally got together for good 4 years ago. Since then he's been amazing, especially in terms of supporting me through a really rough patch. At the end of that I left my job to start my own business earlier this year although I wasn't relying on him financially at all.

 

I've probably missed out loads. Feel free to ask questions. Any thoughts?

 

 

Sounds like my ex. I thought he was happy. He never expressed any disgruntled feelings or anything... then one day after a bit of an argument he called for a break (I am treating it as a full blown breakup). He proceeded to tell me all these things, that I never knew bugged him. I told him it was incredibly unfair to not communicate with me and that I couldn't read minds. I also told him I respect his decision for time and space and I moved out.

 

As for what any insight.. not a clue. You're ex never really even tried. You tried to make the relationship fun and not stale and he wasn't having it. Do you think maybe he was/is depressed? Did you guys do different things in the begining?

[chados]

i can see myself here, because we got to comfortable. but i mean.. if a girl does this, you could guess that she's depressed. but with a guy it feels normal right? you only see a man with lack of passion to do stuff. that is one reason guys get dumped ill tell you that.

 

 

 

could you girls help me out? should i call her or wait?. also another thing, she's online every time i log into facebook, thats annoying, because i dont want it to look like im ignoring her either, im just waiting for her to say hi. am i ignoring her to much when im not writing anything when i can see her online?

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307482/ her is a short summary of our connection

[CosmicBoots]

Hi Chelsea, I'm sorry about your relationship. From another post of yours it does sound like he's having second thoughts though (if that helps).

 

It feels like he didn't try, but I wonder if that's unfair of me. When I say he supported me through a tough patch I was off work for a year with depression (although I look back now and wonder if it was just complete overload). He didn't understand what it was all about at first, thought it was him etc, but then he realised and was very supportive. A real sweetie. I think this was the time that the rut started though. I wasn't keen to go out much during that time and this was a bit of a catalyst for him to slip into a routine (he's a bugger for routines anyway).

 

As far as doing different things in the beginning, yeah we used to go out for meals a lot. Not so much other stuff though. I've always been more one for trying different things and wanting changes of scenery, just to blow away the cobwebs you know? He's always been far more content with doing the same things or going to the same places. Ironically he's had to change more things to split up than he would have to make the relationship work but I don't think he sees the logic in that.

 

We are quite different people, and have had very different life experiences. But despite that we've always had a really strong bond. I think he still loves me although it definitely doesn't feel like it right now. Before he actually moved out we had a random conversation about winning the lottery. Out of the blue he said that if he won, whenever it was, even 20 years down the line that he'd give me half. I said I didn't think his new bird would think much of that. He said he didn't give a (fill in the blank). Something in the way he said that really got to me. As if nobody else would matter as much. I just don't get it you know?

 

We've had very little contact over the last month, but not because things got nasty. I deliberately gave him space. I have text him tonight though, to find out whether he still feels like splitting is a good idea. Didn't get a straight answer to whether he was happier since splitting, but he's doing good, admits we were in a rut and thinks it's good we can get on with our lives. I guess that's that then.

[CosmicBoots]

i can see myself here, because we got to comfortable. but i mean.. if a girl does this, you could guess that she's depressed. but with a guy it feels normal right? you only see a man with lack of passion to do stuff. that is one reason guys get dumped ill tell you that.

 

 

 

could you girls help me out? should i call her or wait?. also another thing, she's online every time i log into facebook, thats annoying, because i dont want it to look like im ignoring her either, im just waiting for her to say hi. am i ignoring her to much when im not writing anything when i can see her online?

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307482/ her is a short summary of our connection

 

I read your link chados. Not sure how your split came about though. If it's the same circs as mine, but opposite way around I'd say that if you wanted to change that then it's as easy as. She's probably waiting for you to call her

[chados]

I read your link chados. Not sure how your split came about though. If it's the same circs as mine, but opposite way around I'd say that if you wanted to change that then it's as easy as. She's probably waiting for you to call her

 

 

yeah it is. although i tried to change to fast and got clingy, didn't give her space. hate myself for that. hope your right:) thanks for reply. i do understand your problem. dont let your guy sit on the couch all day, you deserve better

[ChelseaLS]

Hi Chelsea, I'm sorry about your relationship. From another post of yours it does sound like he's having second thoughts though (if that helps).

 

It feels like he didn't try, but I wonder if that's unfair of me. When I say he supported me through a tough patch I was off work for a year with depression (although I look back now and wonder if it was just complete overload). He didn't understand what it was all about at first, thought it was him etc, but then he realised and was very supportive. A real sweetie. I think this was the time that the rut started though. I wasn't keen to go out much during that time and this was a bit of a catalyst for him to slip into a routine (he's a bugger for routines anyway).

 

As far as doing different things in the beginning, yeah we used to go out for meals a lot. Not so much other stuff though. I've always been more one for trying different things and wanting changes of scenery, just to blow away the cobwebs you know? He's always been far more content with doing the same things or going to the same places. Ironically he's had to change more things to split up than he would have to make the relationship work but I don't think he sees the logic in that.

 

We are quite different people, and have had very different life experiences. But despite that we've always had a really strong bond. I think he still loves me although it definitely doesn't feel like it right now. Before he actually moved out we had a random conversation about winning the lottery. Out of the blue he said that if he won, whenever it was, even 20 years down the line that he'd give me half. I said I didn't think his new bird would think much of that. He said he didn't give a (fill in the blank). Something in the way he said that really got to me. As if nobody else would matter as much. I just don't get it you know?

 

We've had very little contact over the last month, but not because things got nasty. I deliberately gave him space. I have text him tonight though, to find out whether he still feels like splitting is a good idea. Didn't get a straight answer to whether he was happier since splitting, but he's doing good, admits we were in a rut and thinks it's good we can get on with our lives. I guess that's that then.

 

Your situation and ex sound very similar to mine. I would be more like your ex in that I was okay just hanging out at home... he always liked to be doing things. That being said, I would go out and do things when he suggest it. We too (my ex and I) are very different people, but seemed to complememt eachother. People were actually shocked when we split. One lady said "you guys were a model couple... I am so confused".

 

I think it is a good idea you haven't contacted him to give him space... it sounds like that is what he needs. I think many relationships get into ruts and instead of climbing out one partner calls it quits. Did he say "we can get on with our lives"? Sounds like he is giving you a lot of mixed signals.