Not willing to compromise on this

[Royale w/ Cheese]

I have a situation that I am looking for advice about.

 

I've been with my wife for 20 years. We have a great marriage and great kids. I love her and she is a sweet, honest and happy person and I am still very much attracted. She is beautiful and the best wife and mom.

 

We have never had an issue that we haven't been able to work out or compromise on. Sometimes we argue but we always make up and are happy again.

 

She has a 30 year old sister that is crazy. The sister has tried to kill herself about 10 times, lost custody of her kid, is an alcoholic, has Borderline Personality Disorder and has bulimia. She has not been in our lives for the past year or so because she was in a psych hospital and also rehab.

 

Prior to that, there was all these crazy things that she did in front of my kids. One time, she flipped out screaming at me because she didn't agree with a punishment I gave my kid. Another time she was sobbing to my wife how she doesn't think my wife loves her. A lot of times she is just passed out drunk or arguing with everybody about stupid stuff. She ruined a vacation because she flipped out and we had to chase her drunk ass around so she wouldn't go to jail. She says she wishes she was dead and once even jumped out of a moving car because she was in an argument with her mom. She knows I don't like her and says a lot of comments intended to push my buttons.

 

So now this sister is living at my wife's parent's house because she has no place else to go. I decided after the last crazy episode that I was not going to allow her around my kids anymore. I don't want them around her because she is always drunk and unpredictable. She is always doing and saying things for shock value and talking about suicide, and I just don't want my kids around her at all.

 

I told my wife this about a year ago and she didn't argue about it or anything. We usually go to her parents on Thanksgiving, but this year I told my wife we weren't going. She got very upset about this. I told her to invite her parents to our house but they won't come because they would have to leave her sister alone on Thanksgiving. She said her parents feelings are hurt that we won't come and they all think I'm being irrational and an *******. My family lives too far so we are just having Thanksgiving at our house with just me, my wife and the kids.

 

My wife keeps getting me to try to change my mind and she says how I am hurting her and messing up tradition. She says we stick by our family no matter what, even if they have problems. She says her sister isn't so bad and she loves her and wants everyone to be together.

 

I am not letting my kids go there. I told my wife she can go if she wants but me and the kids are staying home. She cried and cried like I never saw her cry before. She says I don't understand how torn she feels. I am making her choose me over her family and she can't believe how mean I am.

 

For the past week that this has gotten real bad she will barely even talk to me. She always slept naked now she is wearing clothes to bed. She won't kiss me or even let me touch her. We always have sex 3 or 4 times a week and now she won't. She said she doesn't feel loved because I won't even consider her viewpoint.

 

This is the only thing in our entire marriage that I have not been willing to compromise. I am not a jerk and just a month ago she though I was the best husband in the world.

 

So do you think I am being a jerk by not backing down on this? Would you guys just give in to keep peace with your wife? I feel very strongly about this and really don't want my kids anywhere near this crazy woman.

[xxoo]

So do you think I am being a jerk by not backing down on this? Would you guys just give in to keep peace with your wife? I feel very strongly about this and really don't want my kids anywhere near this crazy woman.

 

I think there may still have been room to compromise.

 

I like to explore a ton of options, looking for something that works for both of us. I'd move the darned holiday to a weekend earlier or later in the month, for example, to have her parents over and celebrate together without the sister. She could still visit her parents and sister alone on Thanksgiving if she wants.

 

The idea is to show her, through efforts to find a solution, that you DO understand and care about her feelings.

[whichwayisup]

How old are your kids?

 

Okay, I'm just saying this so you can be more open minded.. Though I DO understand why you don't want your kids around their Aunt. With that said, she suffers from a mental disorder. It's not her fault that she was born that way..

 

If your kids are old enough, then they should know the truth about their aunt and understand that some people suffer from unfortunate diseases, and this happens to be one of them.

 

Is the sister on meds and seeking counselling? If so, then her episodes shouldn't be as bad as they were, plus living at home probably helps.

 

You're in a tough spot.

[Royale w/ Cheese]

The kids are 13,9,6. We have already explained to them about her mental issues and alcoholism as there have been many incidents before.

 

I have given her so many chances and every time I tell my wife this is the last straw. My wife always talks me into giving her another chance. This has been going on for many years. She does good for a while and then has a relapse. She is on medicine but it doesn't really help and she just uses it to overdose when she gets suicidal. Her doctors don't have hope and say she might calm down some as she ages but don't expect her to ever be nromal. She drinks so much and has such a tolerance that she had a BAC of over 3.00 at the hospital and was walking and talking fine. She gets DT's and seizures when she tries to quit. Her body's a mess from all the drinking, organ damage at 30. She never remembers what she does and says and then expects everyone to just forget when she does crazy ****.

 

 

I understand the mental disorder is not her fault, but that's not going to matter if she decides to blow her brains out at the dinner table to make a point. I read about her disorder and 80% of them end up killing themself. My father in law has guns and they are locked up but she is very sneaky. Once she took our car while we were on vacation and sleeping. Went right into my wife's purse and took the keys without asking. She has stolen money from us and my in laws.

 

I don't want my kids to think this stuff is okay. That you can do this stuff and everybody pretends it's not that bad. It's very bad.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't trust her and I have bad feeling.

 

I love my wife and can't take her acting like this. I want my wife to smile at me again. She thinks I don't care about her feelings but I think she doesn't care about mine. It's not like I haven't been patient. This is not new. Over ten years of this crap with her sister and I am just done with it.

 

I asked her to do Thanksgiving a different day but she doesn't want to do that either.

 

Now I've made such a stance that if I change my mind I'll feel like I'm selling myself out.

 

Thanks for your replies.

[ShatteredReality]

The children come first. When my husband made the rule about my kids not spending time alone at my sisters house it was easy for me to agree to it in the beginning. It is very difficult to continue with, though, as my sister makes me feel guilty about it and constantly brings it up. I haven't sat her down to talk to her about it because I know she'd blow up - so it's been a constant battle. I understand how your wife feels - I really do. I love my sister as well...but ultimately she needs to listen to you on this. You might want to try reasoning with her about the health of the kids. Try to empathize, tell her you love her and the kids more than anything in the world - if it were just you and her being exposed to the insanity you'd go with her - but you have to put your foot down for the safety of your children. Tell her if your sister does show CLINICAL improvements over the next 12 months you'll consider it for next Thanksgiving, but you're putting the safety of the kids before the feelings of others. As you should. As she should as well. Your wife is going to have to eventually get over this. She can either do as you said - go alone, or stay with you and the children.

 

You could also suggest changing tradition to make something more oriented to your family unit - for me - I have two boys. Each one takes turns taking me on a mother/son date on Thanksgiving and Christmas days. You have three kids, so maybe you can toss New years in there as well and she can have a special day with each of her kids. For us, it's lunch and a movie - but let me tell you - there is no stress of having to plan a huge meal or any of that at all. It's wonderful and I still get to spend special time with my kids on an individual basis. Maybe something like that would take her mind of it all?

[PinkInTheLimo]

This is tough.

 

I totally understand your position. I don't think family is holy. If family s!cks you have to keep them out of your life. It's what I did with mine and it has made my life a lot happier.

 

It seems that your wife still has trouble to see her sister for what she really is. She wants to be loyal to someone who has since long lost any right to loyalty. Does your wife have other siblings? If not, it must be even harder for her to realise that the sister she wants to have does not exist.

 

I know this is hard for you because this could create a lot of resentment in your wife. On the other hand I think that everyone always has to put their spouse and their kids on the first place. Seen the history with your wife's sister, you are totally right in keeping your kids away from her.

 

If there is a risk that this woman might commit suicide in front of your kids and consequently traumatising them for life, no compromise is possible.

 

So my advice to you is to continue what you are doing = being a man and stand up to your wife. And if your wife continues her negative behaviour over this, you have to tell her that you will not accept his and will leave her if she continues to behave like that.

[whichwayisup]

Dont go then.. Your wife has to know you're not doing this malciously or to be mean to her family (meaning parents) it's just that you are concerned of the effect it'll have on the kids. But, at some point in time there has to be a compromise..

 

Why not ask the kids how they feel about it? Explain that their Aunt isn't well and what they feel comfortable with? The more informed they are about this, and you and your wife stay a united front together (infront of them), then they may not feel scared knowing you two will be there protecting them.

 

I doubt very much she's going to "off" herself at the table, I know you're thinking worst case senario's..

[knitwit]

I am 100% with you. There is absolutely no way I would have my kids around your SIL, unless or until she has had a sustained period of sobriety (minimum 6 months) and is in a recovery program.

 

Hell freaking no. You're right- you have no idea what will happen, what she might decide to do, what your kids might be exposed to. She's got a double whammy with a severe mental illness and untreated addiction. One or the other is difficult- both together, along with an enabling family- the situation is totally uncontrollable.

 

Untreated addiction only gets worse. You have no idea what can happen. Your SIL most certainly CAN off herself at the table, intentionally or unintentionally.

 

As young children (8-14), my aunts watched their uncle die as he drunkenly stumbled through the family's sliding glass door one New Years Eve. I had no idea how badly my mom's aunts/uncles suffered from alcoholism until my aunts started telling me the stories. My mom was married and out of the house by then, but her younger siblings were there as the addictions progressed, and being around that level of chaos and violence left them traumatized.

 

Does your wife deny that your children are unsafe around your SIL? This should be presented as a safety issue. If she is willing, you might try to go with her to an Alanon meeting. They can be very helpful for people who care and love an addict/alcoholic.

[Nikki82]

ShatteredReality has some solid advice.

 

Have you actually said a line of "The kids come first over feelings"?

 

If you two really have had such a great relationship all these years, you should be able to see through this one too.

 

Keep us posted.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I doubt very much she's going to "off" herself at the table, I know you're thinking worst case senario's..

 

It's not a risk I'd like to take in this situation...

[Royale w/ Cheese]

Shattered Reality. Thank you for your post. This is really hard on my wife. This is her only sibling, and I do understand her point of view. I do know this is so hard for her. She feels like she is being mean to her sister by keeping them away.

 

PinkInTheLimo. It would be easier if sister in law was not in our life. I would cut her off with no problem. Its just my wife, she can't do it. It feels like she is abandoning her. That is big thing with Borderline Personality a fear of abandonment. The year she was in the hospital was peaceful. We could visit her parents and have birthday parties and Christmas with no drama.

 

whichwayisup. I doubt she will off herself at the table, but she is unstable and I worry. Nobody knows how she will be that day. She changes daily. She could be acting normal, overmedicated, picking fights with everyone, crying uncontrollably, passed out drunk, or threatening suicide. She could be acting normal and then someone will say something to set her off. She is paranoid, too. Sometimes she has gotten better for months, but she always reverts back to this.

 

knitwit. I agree 100%.

 

Nikki82. I am going to try to talk to her tonight. I will update tomorrow.

[whichwayisup]

How do the kids feel about it all?

 

Just a suggestion to think about.. Go. And as soon as there's a hint of something that could cause strife, take the kids home. Your wife can stay if she chooses to.

 

I hope your wife sees both sides of this, just not what she feels/wants.

[ShatteredReality]

Shattered Reality. Thank you for your post. This is really hard on my wife. This is her only sibling, and I do understand her point of view. I do know this is so hard for her. She feels like she is being mean to her sister by keeping them away.

 

Nikki82. I am going to try to talk to her tonight. I will update tomorrow.

 

Definitely keep us posted on how she reacts.

 

And, as I stressed before - I completely understand. My H has decided my sister has NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Though she's never been diagnosed with anything like that - she does fit quite a bit of the criteria. After spending more than about an hour with her I begin to question things - which he says is all her doing. She's very manipulative, and sometimes when I react negatively to things she says/does she turns it around and by the end of it I begin to wonder if I am wrong or crazy or selfish...or any number of other things that put her back in the right and me in the wrong. Our parenting styles are completely different...

 

So, one time when I was young - around 10 or 11yo, my mom took me to visit my aunt. (my dads sister) She had a drinking problem, (as did quite a few folks on his side of the family) so I didn't see her often. I ran into the house and she was asleep on the couch, so I tapped her on the shoulder and called out her name...well she was extremely drunk and didn't recognize who I was. She screamed at me and scared me so badly - I can still remember the exact look on her face and tone in her voice. I thought she was going to strangle me. My mom intervened and that was the last time I saw my aunt somewhere other than a public restaurant. My mom said she would never put me in that position again.

 

Your wife needs to be reasonable. What she can expose herself to and what she can expose the children to are two completely different things. It may hurt her and she may feel alone in this - but ultimately your coming from the right place...I hope she's willing to put down her emotional reaction and pick up her logical one.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Your wife has to understand that the safety and wellbeing of your kids always come first. She also has to understand that she and her parents are enabling her sister's behaviour. She loves her sister and the best way to express that love is to tell her sister that she does not want to see her unless and until she has cleaned up her act. Pity won't do the trick, it will give the message to the sister that she can get away with this bad behaviour.

[findingnemo]

Hi Royale,

 

I tend to go with my gut feelings when it comes to my kids. The way I see it if something happens, anything, it'll be one thing too much for my kids. To some extent, you can't expect your W to altogether get rid of her sister. She'd feel guilty about abandoning her as well as abandoning the responsibility to her mother. Can you imagine how difficult it must be to have a sibling or child like that?

 

What your W needs to understand is that you are not barring her from seeing her sister. She can do this with or without you. You are simply protecting the kids. So as someone suggested, it is time change your family tradition have your own. Your W can always go visit for a weekend at another time.

 

I find it very reasonable what you're asking. You are not a jerk but a father who recognizes that this situation has a very high probability of going south and adversely affecting your kids. Stick to your guns!

[shayla]

I have a daughter with BDP and I completely understand where you are coming from. Those that are minimizing and acting like you are the one with the problem has never spent a holiday with someone like this.

 

Last Christmas my daughter had a total complete meltdown, chased her boyfriend around the house with a knife, ran outside in her underwear still wielding the knife, barefoot, hell wearing panties and a bra in the snow. Then she walked back into the house sayiing, Mmmm is dinner ready yet?" We sat at the table dazed and utterly shocked.

 

This is the way these mental diseases are. And yeah, when it comes to the holidays, which are already stressful to them, anything goes.

 

So listen to yourself. If you think the environment isn't safe, do not go! Your wife knows you are right, but has been manipulated by her sisters fear abandonment, and is willing to put her children in danger to do what she thinks is right but for all the wrong reasons.

 

You should not have to be on high alert and ready to duck and cover at a holiday dinner! Surely your wife must understand the toxic environment at her family home isn't good for them, hell it ins't good for the adults, but her parents have little choice, and I can relate to that!

 

My relationship is ending as I speak because of my daughter and her actions. yesterday she came into the living room where I was sitting with my BF in a pair of booty shorts and started talking about sex. Why? Because she has BDP, sees anyone as a threat, wants all my attention no matter what, and because she thinks it's cute. Every relationship I've had has ended up like this. So yeah, I totally agree with the OP.

[Royale w/ Cheese]

Older & Wiser. I wish I was exaggerating. Actually, what I've written is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

My father in law was driving 50 mph when she decided to jump out the car because she was having an argument with my mother in law. Her 4 year old son was sitting right next to her when she did it. Her feelings overwhelm her and she just loses it. She will only react in that instant and not consider consequences. When asked why? She said she wanted to die and wanted my mother in law to blame herself forever. She injured herself, lost custody of her child, got sent to a mental hospital and now her son has the memory of his mom jumping out of a car and bleeding on the side of the road.

 

If she doesn't have the sense to protect her own child from herself, how can I ever trust that she will spare mine?

 

She very much does things for shock value and to punish people. She doesn't just want to die. She wants the target of her anger to feel responsible. It is openly known that I told my wife she couldn't take the kids around her, so maybe I'm the target of her anger this time.

 

I don't treat my kids like they are made of glass. I'm not trying to shelter them from the realities of life. I just feel like I know what she is capable of and I am taking my kids right to a person I know is crazy. Over the years I have seen many news stories where someone has ended up dead because of a mentally ill person and the family and friends ignored warning signs. If something bad does happen, I can't say that I didn't know.

 

The kids are conflicted about her. She can be fun at times. She can be scary and mean at times. The fighting yelling and crying make them uncomfortable. They have had many fun events ruined by her. We have had to leave parties, family vacations, cook outs because of her and the kids resent that.

 

Shayla. Your daughter sounds very much like my sister in law. She talks about sex a lot too and does things to shock people and get attention. One vacation we were all staying in a big beach house on the Outer Banks and she said in front of kids and grandparents that she heard me and my wife having sex the night before and went into detail. She has also came onto me when drunk and her and my wife have had many confrontations about this issue. She even tries to seduce her doctors. She told my wife and kids to not get comfortable because I would cheat like every other man and I have never cheated on my wife! I think she was coming on to me so she could prove to my wife that I would cheat! My wife gets upset and angry at her but says it's all part of her disease.

 

She was sexually abused as a child and it messed up her head. It is a very sad story and her parents blame themselves for not protecting her against this pervert so I think that is why they enable and put up with so much BS.

 

I hope that answered some of your questions and I will get to last nights discussion with my wife. She still very much disagrees with me but does realize that I am not doing this to be mean. I went through every thing that has happened and she does agree that she is not a very stable and safe person.

 

My wifes issue is that she feels guilty. She is feeling pressure from her parents and they are making it like I am the bad guy because I won't let them come. They don't blame her sister for her actions, but me for putting my foot down. According to them she is doing better now, but she has already started drinking again and was causing trouble with other family members on facebook. My wifes family is putting a guilt trip on her but she doesn't see it like that.

 

I thought about going to her parents and then leaving if it gets bad, but that could ruin our holiday. If we went to eat there my wife would not cook and if we had to leave before dinner, what would we do for dinner? I want a peaceful day and just going there when she is there puts me on edge.

 

Anyway my wife seems to understand me more now and I agreed that if she goes for a year without any incidents then I would reconsider next year. I told her I just feel like it is my job to protect them and if something happens I let them down. My wife knows she can go on her own but she wants to be with me and the kids. I did try to focus on her feelings and validate how she is feeling. That helped me because she can see now that I do care about her, I am just worried about their safety more. I said we should put our kids before her parents or her sister and I would do the same if this was my brother or sister with the issue.

 

I think we are on the same page now but she is still feeling a lot of pressure because her parents are upset about it. She did hug me and let me kiss her. I can tell in her eyes that there is lot on her mind so I am hoping after Thanksgiving her stress will lift some.

 

Thanks for all your insight. I think when you are dealing with a mentally ill person, its hard because you feel sorry for them. If she was just a drunk it would be easier to do tough love. In her case some pervert changed her for life and all her problems the bulimia, cutting, BPD, suicide attempts all lead back to that. I don't want to punish her for that but I also can't ignore the behavior if it threatens my kids.

 

Appreciate all your help and have a Happy Thanksgiving.

[2sure]

I'm as conflicted as you are, but I do have two things from my own life that may help you and your wife come to a decision with all the facts.

 

As a child growing up with my family ...there was some alcohol and drama dysfunction. Worse than some, much better than others. However...it always always came to a head on holidays. Of course, the family all together, celebrating, holiday stress, pretending everyone was thrilled with each other, obligations....Whatever. It made holidays like Thanksgiving and XMas Eve in particular hell. Some sort of awful drama could be counted on so much that ...one began to feel it looming in the house days before the event.

 

I tell you this because...although we all made out ok...and I do enjoy my family ...to this day, even when we are not together..I have a sense of anxiety when these holidays approach. Just habit I guess. Not one I would want my children to come to expect from family gatherings.

 

On the Other Hand:

 

I divorced my 15 year old daughter's dad when she was but an infant. We live completely different lives and have totally separate values. He uses drugs, drinks too much, and is in my opinion a Nut Job. He did however always maintain his visitation with our daughter. He never put her in danger exactly but I always was really really concerned about the behavior she would be exposed to while in his company.

 

At his point, she understands that he is a Poster Child for What Not to Do.

 

A scared straight program could not keep a child more in line.

[scaredandalone1223]

I completely understand where you are coming from. My BIL has some issues, some mental some self made. When my husband and I first married I welcomed him and tried to mend the broken relationship.he has with my husband. It didn't work and I found out quickly why my husband didn't want to be around him.

 

In my case I was lucky because my husband was against being around him as well. My issue came from the nonstop nagging and guilt trips from my MIL. It was easier for her to blame me and push me than to get her one son to get his **** together or to push my husband. I did understand her feelings that he was her child and she would love him no matter what. What I couldn't get through to her was he was not our son and her constant enabling did nothing to actually help him.

 

We misses many family get togethers as he got all the 'poor him' special attention from everyone else in the family. The tables turned after he hit our young nephew and then almost attacked his elderly grandmother and did attack his uncle who intervened. He had been living w/ my MIL who was living with her mom as her main caregiver (she had Alzheimer's). The rest of the family finally said enough is enough and kicked him out.

 

He had no job and no where to go but he made it. He wasn't allowed at family events or holidays for many years. Only over the past couple of years has he been around for Thanksgiving or Christmas and not always. He has grown up some and we make sure to keep our distance and keep the children away from him. We still will.not be around just the immediate family if he is around and my husband nor I speak to him.

 

Like I said I'm fortunate that my husband and I were on the same page but there were years his mom pushed her guilt trip so hard that my husband would leave the children & I at my parents and stop in briefly. But if my husband had not agreed with me I would still have put my foot down. I do not try to shelter my children and I'm more than willing to forgive any imperfections. But I will not knowingly put my children in danger nor am I willing to expose them to extreme personality issues before they are old enough to completely understand. Our oldest is now 14 and knows the full back story. He knows one of his other uncles (one of the most awesome and amazing men I know) chose not to have children because they do not know their fathers families full mental history and worries the child could.end up with ever worse problems. (They are both my husband's 1/2 brothers). My son knows why he should stay away and that we all feel bad that the situation is this way but it is what it is. We explained all this when he was old enough and will do the same with our younger son. But I do not believe you need fo subject your children to that first hand to teach them acceptance. To me it's personally not worth the emotional effects of what could happen for them to deal with.

 

I say stand up for what you believe. Do everything you can to compromise on pieces of it but do not put yourself nor your children in an environmenf where you do not feel safe. Ask your wife how she would react if this were your family. Like a previous poster suggested don't make if forever. State some specific criteria that must be met and once that criteria has been met you will agree for everyone to get together again.

 

Good luck....

P.S. Spend some time on the kitchen with your wife and offer to let her go shopping alone Friday. The little things to remind her how much you love her and she loves you!

[in_absentia]

This is a really tough situation, OP. In your position I'd tell her that you'll compromise, you will go to her parents' house for thanksgiving but if her sister does anything dangerous or says anything seriously and purposefully insulting, you are leaving with the kids immediately, have all of your coats and shoes ready by the door incase it happens (like it sounds it will). She can see you're trying to compromise, and you get to get your children out of harm's way if necessary. I wouldn't blanket refuse to go, though, as that's not compromising at all.

 

My feeling regarding family relationships is that barring actual, vindictive behaviour, I will treat my partner's family as though they are my own and vice versa, and support him in doing what HE thinks is best for him/them in any situation. Your wife is the expert on her family situation, not you, however many years of her life you've been part of. Sure the marriage should be the priority but part of being a partner to somebody is respecting how they feel about their family and trying to help them live up to what they feel they need to do. I lost my mother to alcoholism this December just gone (her 57, me 22) and my partner was there for me every hospital visit, every home visit to her house, and throughout planning the funeral etc. I will get chance to repay him some day when one of his relatives gets taken ill and he goes through the hell I went through, but until then the support he showed me and the maturity and understanding he showed my mum regarding her disease made me feel more confident he was the guy for me than almost anything else he could have done.

 

Funnily enough up until all of that kicked off I wasn't really too fussed about family relationships, I had a troublesome upbringing through my teens as my parents fell apart and my dad left, my brother went to prison and I had some trauma of my own to cope with. But once this happened I realised how much I value and love the people I am related to, I'm no mug and wouldn't rule off cutting a family member off if I felt it was necessary but I hope you can find it within yourself to... kind of treat your wife's family as if they are your own, as if it is your sister going through this hell. As a good father I know you want to keep your children safe too but your wife must surely need your support in dealing with one of the people she loves closest in the world falling apart spectacularly and repeatedly. Try and be the bigger person around her, let her insults and inappropriate comments slide off, try your hardest to show her nothing but calmness and pleasantness and your wife will see that you're making an effort for her. But she needs to meet you halfway and accept that you're leaving if things turn sour.

 

Sorry for the ramble, I hope things go well for you.

[RiverRunning]

 

I think if I were in your position, even though I totally agree with your feelings on this, I think I would tell your W that you'll agree to go but the moment the sister starts any of that behavior that you and the kids will leave, and whether or not she stays is up to her...AND that she agrees that IF that happens, she will not give you grief about you and the kids not going near the sister again. If the sister is good this time, the deal still stands for all future gatherings.

 

 

I think this is the most rational response from this thread. I think that OP is over-exaggerating, especially with lines about blowing her brains out at the table. Yes, clearly this woman has a long history of very unstable, manipulative and suicidal behavior. You've educated your children about this illness. They are all old enough to at least comprehend the basics of mental disorder, and now it's time to talk to them about how THEY feel about seeing their aunt at the holidays. If they are totally reluctant, of course this is something you should share with your wife and you should keep the kids away. But if they want to go, given there are some rules worked out with your wife beforehand, I think they should absolutely be allowed to go.

 

Set a timeline - maybe you'll agree to 1 to 2 hours to have dinner with the family. The moment SIL goes bonkers, everyone gets up and leaves immediately. If she's fine, then go ahead and stay. Keep an eye on your purse and keys, since the sister obviously can't be trusted to respect your property.

 

But you still have the right not to go. But please do consider your kid's desires in what they would like to do.

[Royale w/ Cheese]

We are staying home. My wife went shopping today for dinner.

 

I know some of you guys think I'm exaggerating, but I'm really not. All the cousins, aunts, uncles and other extended family has been staying away for years. Her ex-husband had to move across country to keep their kid away from it. Besides her parents, we are the last ones standing. There is a reason for this. She is crazy.

 

QuantumWeapon you are off base. My wife was genuinely upset and not trying to blackmail me. I am hardly a pushover. There have been plenty of times in our marriage that I have made decisions for my family. I don't let anyone walk all over me, but I do try to be reasonable and compromise. My wife knows she can't walk all over me.

 

She had a lot on her mind, so she wasn't in mood for sex. After all these years, she has the right to not be in the mood. She was worrying about her family. She felt terrible about her parents. She wasn't denying me sex. She just wasn't being frisky like she always is. We take care of each other nicely on the sex front. There have never been any signs that she's cheated and I trust her. She still wants me, kisses me, does nice things for me and is never sneaky about anything. If she ever cheated we would be divorced and she knows that.

 

She's not wrapped up in her crazy family, either. We see them once a month, tops. She just wants her parents to be happy. They have a lot on their plate with her sister. She doesn't want to add to that by causing more problems. .

 

As for calling the police if the sister in law acts up, we have done it. She knows how to work the system, though. She knows the right things to say to get let out of the 72 hour hold. The mental health system is not what it used to be. They want to push people out instead of locking them up. Their families try to deal as long as they can, and many end up homeless once their families have had enough.

 

Have a great holiday.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad your wife came around and saw things from another angle. She realized this isn't about her, or her sister, or her parents..It's about what is/was best for her children.

 

Fact is, the rest of the family has backed off, chosen not to be around says alot. Even the exH has taken her child far away as to not be exposed to this. It's sad, but it's the reality right now.

 

Who knows, maybe one day she'll stay on her meds, and therapy will pay off. Maybe the day will come when she's calmer and family can be around her on holidays and other family functions. But, until that day comes, and the parents wake up, stop making excuses and stop enabling the behaviour, things won't change.

[findingnemo]

We are staying home. My wife went shopping today for dinner.

 

I know some of you guys think I'm exaggerating, but I'm really not. All the cousins, aunts, uncles and other extended family has been staying away for years. Her ex-husband had to move across country to keep their kid away from it. Besides her parents, we are the last ones standing. There is a reason for this. She is crazy.

 

QuantumWeapon you are off base. My wife was genuinely upset and not trying to blackmail me. I am hardly a pushover. There have been plenty of times in our marriage that I have made decisions for my family. I don't let anyone walk all over me, but I do try to be reasonable and compromise. My wife knows she can't walk all over me.

 

She had a lot on her mind, so she wasn't in mood for sex. After all these years, she has the right to not be in the mood. She was worrying about her family. She felt terrible about her parents. She wasn't denying me sex. She just wasn't being frisky like she always is. We take care of each other nicely on the sex front. There have never been any signs that she's cheated and I trust her. She still wants me, kisses me, does nice things for me and is never sneaky about anything. If she ever cheated we would be divorced and she knows that.

 

She's not wrapped up in her crazy family, either. We see them once a month, tops. She just wants her parents to be happy. They have a lot on their plate with her sister. She doesn't want to add to that by causing more problems. .

 

As for calling the police if the sister in law acts up, we have done it. She knows how to work the system, though. She knows the right things to say to get let out of the 72 hour hold. The mental health system is not what it used to be. They want to push people out instead of locking them up. Their families try to deal as long as they can, and many end up homeless once their families have had enough.

 

Have a great holiday.

 

When someone is stressed, sometimes sexual desire can disappear. I don't think your W is consciously blackmailing you. But...I agree with QW that she needs IC to help her deal with the guilt and to teach her how to cope in such a way as to not allow her sister's issues to interfere in your R and your family.

 

Having the holidays in your own home is a great first step and I'm glad she's agreed to that.

 

What happened to sanatoriums? That's what they were called a long time ago. Institutions where people who are dangers unto themselves and others are placed permanently? This could be a long term solution because as long as the sister is living with the parents, your W will be pressured into worrying about them, into wanting to help out more. You may need to help them by suggesting a workable long term solution, if you can. Otherwise, this issue will crop up next year, and the next and the next.

 

Happy holidays!!

[PinkInTheLimo]

Royale, I am glad that your wife agreed to stay home.

This is the way I see these things. For an adult in full activity, holidays are those moments where you can chill and relax. You need them to fill your "tank". Any element that can spoil them should be avoided.

I don't see my family anymore because every meeting with them was stressful and unpleasant.

 

On a side note, I do agree with sadintexas that the remark about not having dinner. That makes you sound a bit like a Stepford man. You surely can put a pizza in the oven, can you.

 

Have a great peaceful holiday.