When asked what are you looking for in dating on a 1st date? Best to fib or be blunt?

[Girlygirl1977]

When I'm asked on a first date what I'm looking for relationship-wise, is it best to be vague and say something like someone who is compatible with me or someone I connect to? Or is it better to be more blunt - I'm looking for a long-term relationship which ideally leads to marriage.

 

I can see reasons for both for psychological reasons. Maybe it is good to weed out people who are not on the same page? Or perhaps it is still too much to say and when a guy hears marriage he may get the wrong idea that I care less about the person?

 

I am definitely picky and so I am not just looking for anyone but the right person. I'm generally happy and doing well in my life as it is.

 

Thoughts on the appropriate answer?

[Girlygirl1977]

Usually I am not asked this but it happened to me just recently and so that's why I asked.

[WhiteChocolate]

Yea that question is a bit odd. It's a really loaded question and would feel like a test to me.

 

I would probably go with vague. Dropping the word "marriage" is just a bit heavy when on a first date.

[dasein]

tell them playfully that you are looking for someone who doesn't grill their first dates

[Kamille]

When I'm asked on a first date what I'm looking for relationship-wise, is it best to be vague and say something like someone who is compatible with me or someone I connect to? Or is it better to be more blunt - I'm looking for a long-term relationship which ideally leads to marriage.

 

 

I imagine you want to marry someone with whom you're compatible, so, really, I don't see how the first line is "fibbing". You're looking for compatibility because you're looking for a relationship.

 

I have been asked this question on a first date and answered something like: "I'm very happy being single, but of course, if I'm hoping to find the right ghy with whom I can have a long term relationship." It worked out well for me... Mostly because IME any guy who asks this question is likely relationship minded himself.

 

So, I would tell the person that I want a relationship, find a way to say compatibility is important however (ie, that I don't want a relationship with just anyone), but I might hold off mentioning marriage straight away. I'm not marriage-minded myself, but I would bring it up at the moment when the relationship switches from casual dating to serious.

[ThsAmericanLife]

When I'm asked on a first date what I'm looking for relationship-wise, is it best to be vague and say something like someone who is compatible with me or someone I connect to? Or is it better to be more blunt - I'm looking for a long-term relationship which ideally leads to marriage.

 

I can see reasons for both for psychological reasons. Maybe it is good to weed out people who are not on the same page? Or perhaps it is still too much to say and when a guy hears marriage he may get the wrong idea that I care less about the person?

 

I am definitely picky and so I am not just looking for anyone but the right person. I'm generally happy and doing well in my life as it is.

 

Thoughts on the appropriate answer?

 

I think it is important to find out someone's relationship goals ASAP. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't have the same goals?

 

If it scares a guy off, then good. You are free to meet men who have the same goals.

 

Men who don't know what they want, but say they will commit for the right woman are blowing smoke up your skirt...

 

Deciding if one wants to be in a committed relationship comes first... finding the right one to commit to comes second.

Edited November 22, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think it is important to find out someone's relationship goals ASAP. Why waste your time with someone who doesn't have the same goals?

 

If it scares a guy off, then good. You are free to meet men who have the same goals.

 

I basically agree, but still I would steer clear of the "M" word.

 

There are lots of people who are looking to have the "spouse" spot filled in their life and are so focussed on that goal that they are not really present for the unfolding of a relationship.

 

That's not a very propitious way to begin getting to know someone.

[dasein]

I think it is important to find out whether someone is capable of having fun on a first or second date without pulling out a HR red pencil on my resume'. Rude!

 

People who grill

have no social skill.

[Girlygirl1977]

Your posts are very helpful and also show that people have different views on this.

 

I think I am likely to adopt the Kamille's strategy because it is accurate for me. When it happened yesterday, I didn't have the foresight and so kind of winged it. I said first that I'm looking for something long-term and ideally that includes marriage. I did allude to the fact that I'm pretty unique and so it is trickier for me to find someone like-minded.

 

Later on he asked do I have a timing for myself on marriage. I said no because I would need to meet a good person first. Otherwise, there is no event. So I think hopefully some of the nuances came out there.

 

The date was 3 hours and he was pretty open about his dating history, recent longer relationships, family background and everything. It was actually pretty easy to chat.

 

At the end, he joked and got down on one knee and said will you marry me. So i just laughed and I think it wasn't too serious or taken badly (as far as what I said).

 

If this topic comes up on another first date though - I will try Kamille's strategy. This AmericanLife also has a good point and that's the tension - you also want people who are more on the same track. . .

[eerie_reverie]

I told my bf I was looking for a babydaddy on our first date. That didn't scare him away.

[daphne]

I agree with Dasein in that I think it's inappropriate and about as fun as a bag of rocks to be interviewed for position of future gf/babymama/spouse.

 

With the exception of future plans. I have learned that a guy who is relationship minded will ask some seemingly controlling questions, when he's just trying to figure out if you two are headed in the same direction. That's a guy who knows what he wants. And be thankful, because he won't waste your time and blow smoke up your skirt (sorry for the hijack Kamille.) Unlike the flakey "I don't know what I want but I'll know when I see it" people.

 

Had I not learned this from the esteemed Patti Stanger, I might have thrown the baby out with the bathwater for the current guy who is asking me questions like this still. But he's also looking for theatre tickets for next year, which leads me to believe he a) either wants to speed up the process to getting laid or b) is anticipating we'll still be dating.

[dasein]

I told my bf I was looking for a babydaddy on our first date. That didn't scare him away.

 

joke o the day

[ThsAmericanLife]

I basically agree, but still I would steer clear of the "M" word.

 

There are lots of people who are looking to have the "spouse" spot filled in their life and are so focussed on that goal that they are not really present for the unfolding of a relationship.

 

That's not a very propitious way to begin getting to know someone.

 

Yes, I've seen that before. The ones who just gotta be married for whatever reason. I'm not them... I wouldn't marry just anyone.

 

I guess what I'm talking about is doing one's best to weed out the ones who are heading in the other direction... or who are highly unlikely to consider a committed relationship in the near future (within a year or two).

 

It doesn't have to come out through the 'M' word, though. I agree.

 

Although, it is probably obvious I'm not really a go-with-the flow kind of person.. as in... lets just date a while and see where it goes.. I have friends for that... I mean, friends for companionship.. and if I need sex, I could find someone for that too.

 

I guess I've had my fill of wishy-washy. Feels like a big waste of my time. If they aren't actively looking for a committed relationship, I'll be friends with them, but not more. I realize it sounds impatient.

 

Life is short... ya know?

[ThsAmericanLife]

Your posts are very helpful and also show that people have different views on this.

 

I think I am likely to adopt the Kamille's strategy because it is accurate for me. When it happened yesterday, I didn't have the foresight and so kind of winged it. I said first that I'm looking for something long-term and ideally that includes marriage. I did allude to the fact that I'm pretty unique and so it is trickier for me to find someone like-minded.

 

Later on he asked do I have a timing for myself on marriage. I said no because I would need to meet a good person first. Otherwise, there is no event. So I think hopefully some of the nuances came out there.

 

The date was 3 hours and he was pretty open about his dating history, recent longer relationships, family background and everything. It was actually pretty easy to chat.

 

At the end, he joked and got down on one knee and said will you marry me. So i just laughed and I think it wasn't too serious or taken badly (as far as what I said).

 

If this topic comes up on another first date though - I will try Kamille's strategy. This AmericanLife also has a good point and that's the tension - you also want people who are more on the same track. . .

 

It is definately possible to do it in a way that doesn't come across like 20 questions... or overly harsh.

 

Men who are like minded are probably thinking the same thing as you... "how do I know she is serious about finding a relationship??"

 

Regarding the other stuff... It would take more than a few dates for me to even start thinking about anything close to a timeline...

 

but I sure would be thinking about whether he was in a position where he could IMAGINE himself committing in the next few years. It is the ones who can't that I send on their way. That doesn't take long at all to figure out.