After really hurting someone, is it ever possible to gain their trust back?

[dave22]

I had an an arguement with my girlfriend about three weeks ago and broke up with her. I had become inpatient with her not being able to make up her mind about how serious she wanted to be (I had wanted something more serious for a while, she had been unsure about whether she wanted something that serious at this point). Anyways, I regretted what I had done, but she has been firm ever since that we can't get back together.

 

The thing is, we have had a couple of talks since then and I have realized that we may have been closer to having what I had wanted than I thought. Where I thought she was distancing herself from me getting ready to end it, she was really just thinking about what she really wanted and admitted she had started to really hope it was going to work out.

 

However,for the past month she said I had started to drive her nuts. I had become more and more clingy. And that last weekend I sent her four contridictory emails before our arguement.

 

The thing is, I really liked her. We had become close friends over several months, then started dating about five months ago. We had really great chemistry and complimented each other really well. I see how I hurt her and feel aweful (and I told her this). I also know I have really hurt her and disappointed her. At the same time I wish I had known what she was thinking before this happened as I had no idea.

 

She says she still really cares about me, that I have always been there when she needed it the most and that she would trust me with anything. But she can't trust me that I won't "go nuts" like this again.

 

Can I ever get her trust back again?

[Zabs]

Give this situation a little of what was missing during the last...patience...

 

Sounds like the fires haven't completely burned out yet

 

Much love

 

 

Zabs xx

[lolita jade]

I think she is unsure of your temper. She is worrying if you have anger issues???

 

It will take some proving but she will trust you.

 

If you cheat, however, she wont ever fully trust you for a very long time (years)

[smudge21]

Yes.

 

... but it will take time. You've destroyed a lot of that trust we all put into someone when we meet them. Think about how things were when you first met; the excitement, the carefree attitude, the need to with them, the complete and total trust that this person was right for you. Your actions have damaged all of that.

 

Much like when anyone breaks up - there's something magical that's been destroyed and although they can get back together, it's never going to have that same magical innocence that it did when they were first in love. That's why often a second chance doesn't always run as smoothly.

 

You need to talk to her, face to face (no texting or phone calls) and get it across to her how much she means to you, how much of an idiot you were and how much you are willing to do to gain her trust back. You also have to accept that you can't force her to change her mind nor can you start to become annoyed if she's not running back into your arms within a week. It's totally up to her what happens, all you can do is make her aware of how you feel, and what you want.

 

I wish you luck.

[dave22]

You need to talk to her, face to face (no texting or phone calls) and get it across to her how much she means to you, how much of an idiot you were and how much you are willing to do to gain her trust back. You also have to accept that you can't force her to change her mind nor can you start to become annoyed if she's not running back into your arms within a week. It's totally up to her what happens, all you can do is make her aware of how you feel, and what you want.

 

When we did have our last talk I did apologize for being "such a jerk" and said I had hought about what had happened and have learned from it. She said not to think about it too much and that it would just be best if we didn't see each other so much for now (we still see each other once a week at a class we take together and she said she hoped I would still go, and so I agreed). So I am wondering if I did enough for now. Or should I reassure her that I understand and that I will not do the same thing again?

Edited November 22, 2011 by dave22

[ChelseaLS]

You need to talk to her, face to face (no texting or phone calls) and get it across to her how much she means to you, how much of an idiot you were and how much you are willing to do to gain her trust back. You also have to accept that you can't force her to change her mind nor can you start to become annoyed if she's not running back into your arms within a week. It's totally up to her what happens, all you can do is make her aware of how you feel, and what you want.

 

When we did have our last talk I did apologize for being "such a jerk" and said I had hought about what had happened and have learned from it. She said not to think about it too much and that it would just be best if we didn't see each other so much for now (we still see each other once a week at a class we take together and she said she hoped I would still go, and so I agreed). So I am wondering if I did enough for now. Or should I reassure her that I understand and that I will not do the same thing again?

 

 

Actions speak louder then words. You already told her once, stop trying to force her to believe it. Show her.

[dave22]

Thanks for the encouragement everybody. It doesn't seem quite as hopeless now.

[dave22]

I guess this is kind of an update, if anyone cares to reply. I have seen her four times in the past two weeks. Twice at a class we are taking together, once at an event that I wasn't expecting to see her at, and once at a get together with friends where we both knew we would see each other there. Each time she has seemed very happy to see me and we have sat together and talked for a while about what has been going on in our lives and each time it has seemed like fun. But it has been so hard to wait at times. She has never called me and I know I can't call her. I don't know when I will see her next. I know I have to be patient and that not being patient has been what has gotten me into this mess. How can I be more patient?

Edited December 1, 2011 by dave22

[smudge21]

Amazing how circumstances can bring two people together at the most unexpected of times. How many on here seem to run into their ex's after a break up, yet would never have run into them prior to knowing them.

 

Anyway, you can't wait for fate to come running in again, I think after the four times it's probably wise for you to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. You say you can't contact her yet the contact you've had so far would suggest that maybe you can... maybe that door is open for you...

 

I'm guessing in the four times you met, you didn't really discuss anything too serious... well the longer you do that, the more likely she is to move away thinking you're happy to just be friends. I'd give her a call and keep it short and simple, arrange to meet her somewhere over a coffee or whatever (not alcohol, so no bars/clubs). If she's been as polite and friendly as you say, then there should be no reason for her to say no. Just tell her you'd like to talk to her if that's okay (put as a question rather than a demand). If she says no, take it on the chin and just leave it with if she changes her mind, she can call you. If she says yes, then there's your opportunity to clear the air - tell her what you've been happy to tell a bunch of strangers of the internets.

 

That's my opinion obviously and should not be taken as a sure fire way to success.

[dave22]

Anyway, you can't wait for fate to come running in again, I think after the four times it's probably wise for you to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. You say you can't contact her yet the contact you've had so far would suggest that maybe you can... maybe that door is open for you...

 

I'm guessing in the four times you met, you didn't really discuss anything too serious... well the longer you do that, the more likely she is to move away thinking you're happy to just be friends. I'd give her a call and keep it short and simple, arrange to meet her somewhere over a coffee or whatever (not alcohol, so no bars/clubs). If she's been as polite and friendly as you say, then there should be no reason for her to say no. Just tell her you'd like to talk to her if that's okay (put as a question rather than a demand). If she says no, take it on the chin and just leave it with if she changes her mind, she can call you. If she says yes, then there's your opportunity to clear the air - tell her what you've been happy to tell a bunch of strangers of the internets.

 

Thanks for your suggestion, I will consider it. What you suggest is actaully the way I would prefer to go about it. The problem is that it has always been me who has had to initiate any serious conversation about us. I am sure she knows by now how I feel about her. So I just wish, for once, that she would be the one who comes to me. I actually do know we will be seeing each other again, probably quite often starting in about a month from now. We just happen to be travelling to the same city for New Year's (again, a coincidence) and she expects to be seeing me there. And we start the same class again in the New Year. So I am inclined to wait, as hard as it is. But the problem will still be the same. The more I see her, the more I will want to be with her in a serious way. She will want me around because she enjoys my company and relies on my advice... and it often seems she really does like me. But when it comes time to get serious about anything she just won't do it. She starts to distance herself.

Edited December 1, 2011 by dave22