Hp1991 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Hi , I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm being blackmailed to achieve high grades in order to stay with my bf. He's 28 and I'm 20 . He has finished university and now working whereas I'm still finishing my degree. The problem is that he would start by telling me to concentrate and I know I lack studying skills.. so he was trying to be helpful. Then my marks come in and its a conversation about how my marks should be much better. I know he has the best intentions it's just sometimes I feel like what's the point. He has told me that if my marks aren't decent enough then we can't be together. It shows some characteristics that he doesn't approve of. I've never had a person tell me this before, nor have i ever thought my significant other would be so into this topic. I don't know how others handle these topics so some advice would help dearly. At the moment my marks are at the borderline of a few C's . and yes I know education must be taken more seriously. .. but I have a problem with people getting in my business that it seriously unmotivates me.
TigerCub Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I dunno, if I was with someone and they're checking my marks and criticizing me, I'd say "look, I want a partner, not a father - so get the **** out of my business" His approach at "motivating" you is ridiculous. I understand how important an education is, and from what you're saying, so do you, you just need to buckle down and try a bit harder, but for him to treat you like a child or even to think for one second that giving you an ultimatum with regards to your marks and your relationship is a good idea, then he's an idiot that you can do without.
norajane Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 (edited) He has told me that if my marks aren't decent enough then we can't be together.I don't know how long the two of you have been together and how serious you are. But this makes me think he is considering whether you are sufficiently motivated to do your best and succeed in life, because that will affect the two of you as a couple in the future. If you don't take your education seriously, how seriously will you take getting a job? Keeping the job by doing well? I'm guessing he doesn't want a partner who can't/won't pull her own weight and will become dependent on him. I can see where his concern is coming from. Back when I graduated college, and eventually graduate school as well, my then bf took FOREVER to finish college. You've heard of the 5 year plan, or 6 year plan? He was on the "whenever I get my ass in gear" plan, which was hardly ever. I lost a lot of respect for him during that time because he was being such a schlub. And surprise, he had trouble finding a job once he did eventually get his degree. And was totally unmotivated after that. After I broke up with him (6 years together), I later found out he was layed off and then stayed unemployed for years, just doing odd jobs here and there. Bleh. Not a good bet for a good life partner. Edited November 22, 2011 by norajane
Feelsgoodman Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Hi , I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm being blackmailed to achieve high grades in order to stay with my bf. He's 28 and I'm 20 . He has finished university and now working whereas I'm still finishing my degree. The problem is that he would start by telling me to concentrate and I know I lack studying skills.. so he was trying to be helpful. Then my marks come in and its a conversation about how my marks should be much better. I know he has the best intentions it's just sometimes I feel like what's the point. He has told me that if my marks aren't decent enough then we can't be together. It shows some characteristics that he doesn't approve of. I've never had a person tell me this before, nor have i ever thought my significant other would be so into this topic. I don't know how others handle these topics so some advice would help dearly. At the moment my marks are at the borderline of a few C's . and yes I know education must be taken more seriously. .. but I have a problem with people getting in my business that it seriously unmotivates me. It shows that he views you as a potential long-term girlfriend/wife. No sane man these days would get involved with a woman who is not gainfully employed, so he's trying to encourage you to become LTR material.
Feelsgoodman Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Tell him you don't need a father or a mother, you need a partner. That just it though. He needs a partner too. And someone who is borderline failing in college wouldn't make for a very good partner, would she?
Wolf18 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Why don't you date someone whose your age and not a lame nerd? He wants you to get good grades because he thinks this will get you a high paying job later in life. In reality, actual GPA doesn't matter as long as its over 2.0, what matters is your connections. I would hate being 20 years old and still getting scolded for my report card, especially from a significant other.
Wolf18 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 That just it though. He needs a partner too. And someone who is borderline failing in college wouldn't make for a very good partner, would she? Actually, she would make a better partner. The less womynz indoctrination women absorb in college, the better partner they will make. A smart man who thinks beyond dollars and cents would know that.
Feelsgoodman Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Actually, she would make a better partner. The less womynz indoctrination women absorb in college, the better partner they will make. A smart man who thinks beyond dollars and cents would know that. LOL. Somehow I don't think her low grades are an indication of her failure to absorb womynz indoctrination.
RiverRunning Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 There's a big age difference between the two of you, for starters. At eight years apart, he's at a point in his life where he's likely settled in his career and looking to settle down. You're only halfway through your college studies at best and you'll do a lot of growing up over the next few years. How long have you two been together? Your grades aren't stellar, but you've got B's (even if they are LOW B's), so your GPA is probably around 2.7 to a 3.0? Most schools will put students on probation for a GPA under 2.0. For an undergrad program, unless you're pulling down a full-time job or you're going into anything not in the arts/humanities field, most people should be able to pull at least a 3.0 GPA. Your boyfriend is likely sizing up your long-term potential now. I've seen a lot of job postings where candidates are expected to have four year degrees and high marks, even if the job itself totally doesn't require it. The thinking there, at least sometimes, is just so the employer can see that you will stick through something long-term and that you will work hard at it. I can't entirely fault a boyfriend who sees a girlfriend whose marks are average and wonders why that's so. Do you need help? I'm sure you could find a tutor on-campus, help from a friend, or visit a tutoring service at the school or something. But other than that, now is the time to start setting boundaries with your boyfriend. Ask him what makes him so concerned about your grades - is it just status or is he concerned about your future? The problem with relationships like yours, when you're still so young and there's such a big age gap between you, is that one of the partners starts to fill a 'parental' type of role. That's happening to you now. The next time he brings up your marks, it's time for you to say, "John, I'd like for us to talk about this. I don't want you to make remarks about my grades anymore. I am doing the best I can and I'm getting tutoring. I'd like to hear what bothers you about my grades so much, so I can try and explain what my plans are for the future. But other than that, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I hope you understand."
norajane Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Actually, he already told her why he cares about her grades: It shows some characteristics that he doesn't approve of. And I agree. If she can't or won't make an effort in school, that speaks volumes about her attitude toward education and actually LEARNING something, as well as her willingness to take other things seriously, like a job or managing money or being responsible for herself. Believing that it is fine to just scrape by can become a huge issue for a couple if the other half believes in doing the best you can. If she is content to skate by, then she probably needs to find a bf who feels the same way about things.
hoping2heal Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Hi , I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm being blackmailed to achieve high grades in order to stay with my bf. He's 28 and I'm 20 . He has finished university and now working whereas I'm still finishing my degree. The problem is that he would start by telling me to concentrate and I know I lack studying skills.. so he was trying to be helpful. Then my marks come in and its a conversation about how my marks should be much better. I know he has the best intentions it's just sometimes I feel like what's the point. He has told me that if my marks aren't decent enough then we can't be together. It shows some characteristics that he doesn't approve of. I've never had a person tell me this before, nor have i ever thought my significant other would be so into this topic. I don't know how others handle these topics so some advice would help dearly. At the moment my marks are at the borderline of a few C's . and yes I know education must be taken more seriously. .. but I have a problem with people getting in my business that it seriously unmotivates me. Nobody wants to feel like they are being judged by a partner and I can't see this getting any better. I think he is the type of person who will have certain standards for those he dates and it won't just be grades - pretty soon there will be some other standard that he'll expect of you. He doesn't come off as loving and wanting the best for you - he comes off as judgemental and insensitive. I'm borderline anal retentive about my grades - for me an A- isn't good enough - but that's a standard I hold for myself personally because I want to be successful in my field of study which naturally requires high marks to make the cut. I want to make my partner proud of me but I don't do this solely for his benefit - it is for me and well, for us. This will benefit our future together and I want it to be a good one. You are young and perhaps you have not yet had an epiphany about what you want to do for a career or how important high marks will be for your future success but that is something you have to work through and someone holding it over your head isn't going to get you there any more quickly. Like I said, first it is the grades and then it will be something else I think. Nobody is perfect and at 28 years old he should have the experience to appreciate the changes and maturity a person experiences as they go through their 20's. If he's decided that your performance reflects something he finds unattractive to such an extent it is a dealbreaker in his relationships then he should decide to end the relationship not push you to fit his mold.
ShannonMI Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Hi , I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm being blackmailed to achieve high grades in order to stay with my bf. He's 28 and I'm 20 . He has finished university and now working whereas I'm still finishing my degree. The problem is that he would start by telling me to concentrate and I know I lack studying skills.. so he was trying to be helpful. Then my marks come in and its a conversation about how my marks should be much better. I know he has the best intentions it's just sometimes I feel like what's the point. He has told me that if my marks aren't decent enough then we can't be together. It shows some characteristics that he doesn't approve of. I've never had a person tell me this before, nor have i ever thought my significant other would be so into this topic. I don't know how others handle these topics so some advice would help dearly. At the moment my marks are at the borderline of a few C's . and yes I know education must be taken more seriously. .. but I have a problem with people getting in my business that it seriously unmotivates me. Ugh what is he your daddy? What a jerk. Some people are not as intelligent as others. It's a fact. While he may be f*cking Einstein, apparently you are not. There is nothing wrong with that. Hell, at least you are going to school. Some people don't even do that. I wonder what he thinks of those individuals. Time to move on. He's a dick. Sorry, but I'm just calling it like I see it.
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