DreamingWarrior Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Not really sure how to explain this whole situation but any advice would be greatly appreciated... So me and my boyfriend have just gotten back together after a one week break up. We've been dating for about a year and five months now and up until that one break up, have been really close. We are more than just boyfriend and girlfriend, we are each other's best friend. Though despite how close we are, recently, I haven't felt so great about him and his other close friend.... We've had past problems about his close friendship with (Let's call her Annie). They've known each other since middle school and his family even loves her to death. Now I never asked them to stop being friends. It was something I never wanted, no matter how jealous I got. My boyfriend's happiness was what mattered most to me and I didn't want to cause any problems, even if my jealous did get out of hands with her sometimes.... I would always worry about his family choosing her over me or him leaving me for her from time to time, but him and Annie always tried convincing me that there was NOTHING there. Well.... During the week of our break up Annie decided that, after just a couple of days, to confess to my boyfriend her true feelings about him. My boyfriend told me that they did kiss and flirted quite a bit with each other during that week but that he regretted it. That it felt weird to him and he felt so guilty for doing it, so he decided to come back. We both wanted to rekindle our relationship because of how much we both missed one another and we wanted to work things out. Of course Annie didn't take it so well and accused my boyfriend of leading her on and so on, finally letting it be known that she doesn't think I deserve my boyfriend and that we aren't meant for each other. My boyfriend, feeling guilty about nearly ruining his friendship, apologized to her and tried to rekindle their friendship and try to forget that the whole week never happened between them. They are now friends again, but...everything still feels different now. Me and Annie both really can't stand each other anymore. I don't mind them continuing to be friends, I mean i'm not going to control who he is and isn't friends with. I never liked that idea, but I just don't trust either of them together anymore. I can't even look at them when I see them together without hurting... My boyfriend doesn't care whether me and her are friends anymore, and hates even talking about it and tries to stop me from even blaming her as well, saying it was all his fault and not hers...even though it was both their fault I think. Anyway, because of what happened between them I feel different towards my boyfriend now. More hurt and I just can't look at him. I feel like a lot of things are my fault still and i'm afraid my boyfriend might resent me for something out of this. I'm even more afraid of their friendship and still feel like she still has feelings for him. I'm honestly at a loss at what to do anymore....the only thing that helps me relax anymore is when i'm working. Overall, I would love advice on how to handle this situation between them. I did kinda read his messages to her on Facebook last night out of curiosity (his facebook was pulled up and she sent him a message) and read the ones during the week we broke up....I think I nearly wanted to throw up. I feel so empty after reading that, even though I know I shouldn't have. I just don't know how to handle this.... Thank you for your time.
RiverRunning Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 He needs to choose now - you or her. Annie has already chosen to interfere in your romance by letting him know she doesn't like you and thinks you don't deserve him, on top of revealing her feelings to him less than a WEEK after he had a break-up from a long-term relationship. You can bet that Annie will be waiting in the wings the whole while just waiting to interfere again. Some people of the opposite sex CAN be friends. But notice I said 'some.' This is just like the 'friends with my ex' issue. More often than not, someone in the pairing has feelings or someone in the pairing wants to get back together/sleep together/etc. It's rarely just a benign 'friends only' type of situation. Usually it's a way to hold onto what you want, even if you can't be dating that person. Obviously, your boyfriend probably has romantic feelings for Annie too (seeing as he was kissing her and all - or maybe he was just opportunistic). For the rest of your relationship, you will probably be secondary to Annie. Notice how concerned your boyfriend is about salvaging the relationship? His first goal should be to protect and insulate you, to make sure that YOU are happy. He can't pacify everyone here. Let him know that given recent developments, you are not comfortable with his friendship with Annie any longer and would like it if he stopped contacting her altogether. If he can't do that for you, it's time for you to leave instead of suffering endlessly over his insensitivity. Who wants a girl creeping around when she has OBVIOUS feelings for her boyfriend?
Author DreamingWarrior Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 (edited) Yeah, sometimes I would really get hurt by some of their decisions to let her tag along with them on camping trips and let her spend the night with them. Of course they invited me along on all the camping trips and any other trips, but where I wasn't able to spend the night over when she was able to, yeah... They love us both equally and think of her as a family friend and don't care how jealous I get of her. Or at least that's what they've said in the past. I'm not sure how they feel about the whole situation now, but I know they still care for her. I know they would tell her the same thing if it the situations were switched, but sometimes it really made me feel like I didn't belong with them when they invited her.... As for my boyfriend, he still wants to continue his friendship with her where they have been friends since middle school. I'm letting him, so long as she's not around me. She has been the only friend of his i've ever been seriously jealous of and in a way I am relieved I don't have to talk to her anymore, but I feel like it's not enough....after everything that has happened I kinda wish she would just disappear...but I know that won't ever happen. I don't want to make my boyfriend choose and I know he doesn't want to. He chose me as a romantic partner and i'm happy, but....is it wrong that after everything that's happened, I don't want them to be friend's anymore.... He told me that he didn't have romantic feelings for her, but that he just did all of that to try and forget about me and to try and move on. Edited November 22, 2011 by DreamingWarrior
TigerCub Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 DW, You never mentioned what the reason for the break up was in the first place - did you guys even work on that, or is this Annie drama an added distraction? As for your feelings towards your bf and his friendship with Annie. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want my guy hanging out so much with a girl he made out with during our one week break up. It would feel weird, because obviously they have an attraction to one another and they know what it felt like to act on it too. I agree with you, I'm not one to dictate to my bf who his friends are and who he can hang out with, but in this case, I do think that he needs to make a choice. But....you also need to be careful with that, because if he swears off Annie, that could also set up an affair quite nicely - those only work out well on the forbidden love angle & the stolen moments & secrets bull**** - so be careful with that. Personally, I think how your bf reacts to you telling him to choose should be an indication of how your R will go from there - and with that, you can then decide if its worth being in it at all.
Author DreamingWarrior Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 The reason for the break up was of my jealousy and because I would pout every now and then to the point my boyfriend couldn't handle it. He said he felt unhappy and ended things between us, but came back in a week saying he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life and told me how much he missed me. Of course Annie played a big part in this as well when it came to how jealous I got. I don't want to make him choose, but I feel so uneasy right now. There isn't anything going on between them now but I can't stop thinking about what I read yesterday and I get images of them kissing. I feel like someone just ripped my heart out and stomped on it. They've been friends longer than me and him have been together, so in a way it's fair for them to still be friends. I'm setting limits of course. I do trust my boyfriend, but when it comes to Annie, all that trust is blown out the window. He has told me that he would give up being friends with her if I told him to that night he came back, but I said that it wasn't what I wanted and allowed them to keep being friends. Now as the weeks go by i'm really wondering if I made the right decision in that or not. Last night he also told me that he doesn't just defend her whenever I blame her but he defends me as well when she starts talking bad about me. He's just sick of it all cause he thinks it's all his fault when it's BOTH their fault. I'm honestly afraid to ask him to choose....cause I don't want to make him unhappy anymore.
rightfield Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 First of all, the family shouldn't get to have a say in who your b/f chooses to be romantically involved with. He needs to man up and make a choice. Annie can no longer just be viewed as his old friend. They crossed that line, and she admitted that she has been harboring feelings for him. The poster who pointed out that he should be making sure that YOU are happy and secure rather than trying to save the "friendship" with Annie is exactly right. He needs to make his choice, and you need to put a time limit on this. You need to make up your mind that you are going to get the respect that you deserve, and either b/f is going to give it to you, or you are going to get it from someone else.
TigerCub Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 The reason for the break up was of my jealousy and because I would pout every now and then to the point my boyfriend couldn't handle it. He said he felt unhappy and ended things between us, but came back in a week saying he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life and told me how much he missed me. Of course Annie played a big part in this as well when it came to how jealous I got. I don't want to make him choose, but I feel so uneasy right now. There isn't anything going on between them now but I can't stop thinking about what I read yesterday and I get images of them kissing. I feel like someone just ripped my heart out and stomped on it. They've been friends longer than me and him have been together, so in a way it's fair for them to still be friends. I'm setting limits of course. I do trust my boyfriend, but when it comes to Annie, all that trust is blown out the window. I understand what you're saying in bold but this isn't just a friend of his that rubs you the wrong way - this is a person that's talking trash about you and made a move on him as soon as you guys split up. This is a person that's adding to your insecurities This is a person that he made out with very shortly after breaking up with you - I would say all that makes it a different issue and changes the rules a bit. He has told me that he would give up being friends with her if I told him to that night he came back, but I said that it wasn't what I wanted and allowed them to keep being friends. What does that mean? There was a time limit on you making that request? Now as the weeks go by i'm really wondering if I made the right decision in that or not. Last night he also told me that he doesn't just defend her whenever I blame her but he defends me as well when she starts talking bad about me. He's just sick of it all cause he thinks it's all his fault when it's BOTH their fault. I'm honestly afraid to ask him to choose....cause I don't want to make him unhappy anymore. That part is ridiculous, I wouldn't let any friend of mine, guy or girl talk **** about my boyfriend. I simply wouldn't I see a couple as a team, and I wouldn't want someone talking about my partner, my team mate. Yet, here he is spending time with someone that obviously seems to be talking enough **** about you that he makes a point to tell you that he defends you when she does it give me a ****in break!! I completely understand that you don't want to add stress and drama to his life, but this is insane, why is he spending so much time with someone that doesn't respect you, someone that would make a move on him in a second? Honestly, IMO, I think that your boyfriend loves pinning you two against each other, don't believe the bull about how its all his fault, boo hoo, he's so sad and stressed. I think he likes doing that or else he wouldn't be fanning the flames. He knows that you're insecure, he knows that you have jealousy issues (both things you really need to work on btw) - and he's using that to manipulate you and make you feel even worse about yourself. you bf isn't the conflicted, sweet guy you think he is. I'm sorry if that's hurtful, but I've seen plenty of manipulative guys and their bull**** to know...
Author DreamingWarrior Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Yeah?...I've decided to talk to my boyfriend about it after I get home from work tonight, but i'm still pretty nervous about how he will react. I'm not sure what my boyfriend wants anymore. He has always been indecisive about things. I know he cares about both of us, but I am starting to see that eventually he is going to have to pick one of us. Nothing hurts more than to hear him defend her, even if he does say he defends me too. Something about that whole ordeal isn't right. We're both saying crap about each other and he's just listening to it defending us both...I don't know. I love my boyfriend very much, and I am willing to work on my jealousy and insecurities. I have already gotten better about it from what his family has seen and said so far, but Annie is the one I don't think I can put up with anymore.
TigerCub Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Yeah?...I've decided to talk to my boyfriend about it after I get home from work tonight, but i'm still pretty nervous about how he will react. I'm not sure what my boyfriend wants anymore. He has always been indecisive about things. I know he cares about both of us, but I am starting to see that eventually he is going to have to pick one of us. Nothing hurts more than to hear him defend her, even if he does say he defends me too. Something about that whole ordeal isn't right. We're both saying crap about each other and he's just listening to it defending us both...I don't know. I love my boyfriend very much, and I am willing to work on my jealousy and insecurities. I have already gotten better about it from what his family has seen and said so far, but Annie is the one I don't think I can put up with anymore. If you read on the infidelity forum, well if you read enough threads, you'll see how the "cheater"* will pin their SO against the affair partner. They do it so much so that their SO is hating the affair partner and blaming everything on them. BUT...in reality it is the "cheater" that ever owed the SO anything. * Sure, your boyfriend isn't technically a cheater - but he's doing the same thing. He's giving you this Annie to hate on and be all insecure about and fight over him for, but in all reality, your boyfriend is the only one that actually owes you anything. He's the one that should care about what makes you happy, loyalty, making the relationship work, etc... Annie may be a huge pain in your backside, but its only because of how your boyfriend conducts himself with her, its only because of what you're boyfriend is allowing. You can hate Annie all you want, but in the end, the responsibility is with your boyfriend, not with Annie. Don't lose sight of that. He's the one that's causing you pain and failing you, not her - she could be very insignificant in your life, but she's a presence because he's making it that way. Good luck
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