underthegun Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. We’ve been dating for a total of 9 months, 2 of which have been long distance. We love each other very much, but lately it’s been really hard on both of us trying to maintain a long distance relationship. There is, possibly, a light at the end of the tunnel. He just graduated from his program at school and is going to begin looking for a job and he is willing to look in San Diego, where I live, so that we can be together again. And, honestly, I would love to be close to him again, but I know it would put a ton of pressure on our relationship for him to uproot his life and move here just for me. We’ve only been together 9 months, and although we do love each other a lot and it’s the best relationship either one of us has been in, we just don’t know where it is going at this point. I would feel so much pressure if he moved here just for me. I know the logical thing to do would be to break up, that way there is no pressure. And then if he just so happened to be anywhere around me, we might be able to try again, rather than just dragging ourselves through the misery that is a long distance relationship. I feel like if we stay together we are just going to get more attached and then he might end up finding a job in Timbuktu and we will have to break up anyway. But I don’t want to pressure him to move here, considering we don’t really know if this relationship is going to work out in the long run. However, that is only one issue I am dealing with right now. Even before the distance became an issue, I have been struggling with whether or not to remain in this relationship. Like I said, we love each other very much. I cannot stress this enough. It’s the best relationship either one of us have been in and we get along great. He values me and admires me and would do anything for me. And I love him. But I just love him. I feel like I don’t admire him or appreciate him nearly as much as he does me. And I feel this ridiculous nagging in the back of my mind telling me to break up with him, I can find someone better, who I do admire and appreciate. I know it’s stupid and seems superficial, but he just does not have a lot of the things I would want in a man. But I fell in love with him. And now I feel like I’m stuck here only half satisfied. In addition, I am 22. He is 26. He is definitely more ready for a serious, long term relationship than I am. I think that’s where a lot of my doubt comes from. I’m just not ready to settle down. When I started dating him, we were so casual, it was never meant to become anything serious. But it has and I really, really don’t know what to do. In summary: I love him, it hurts me to imagine breaking up with him, but I think the smartest thing to do would be to break up. I know it’s a very difficult situation. Any input to help me sort through this would be awesome. Thanks so much!
Mack05 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 You need to trust your gut instinct here. You may love him, but a relationship needs more than Love, to not only survive but to prosper and grow. If you stay with a man you know deep down in your soul is not right for you, then you will end up resenting him. Insecure people tend to stay in relationships that they know are not right for them. There is a lot of 'what if' questions. What if I never get a better relationship then this, what if he meets someone else, what if he is the right one, what if I gave up to quickly, what if he came and it worked out etc etc etc..You know its wrong, but because you love him you want to convince yourself he is right for you. The relationship is over, now you just need to have the courage to do the right thing by him and by you. One of the most important tools we have at out disposal is our gut instinct. You should NEVER ignore it. Yet for various reasons people do. Will being alone suck? yes. It will be very painful, afterall you love him. But the short term pain you will feel now, is nothing compared to the long term pain you (and especially he) will feel if you stay in this relationship. Make the decision now before he uproots his life. This guy should only uproot his life if you are 110% sure about him and the relationship. You are full of doubt and that is not going to change. You know what to do underthegun so I hope you do the right thing
Author underthegun Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 I know that deep down. I know I'm going to break it off. It's just going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done. Thank you so much for your input. I need all the help I can get convincing myself this is going to be the biggest mistake of my life.
Mack05 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I know that deep down. I know I'm going to break it off. It's just going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done. Thank you so much for your input. I need all the help I can get convincing myself this is going to be the biggest mistake of my life. Look at it like rolling a dice. With this guy you have probably rolled a 4. You could meet another guy and roll a 2 or 3 (you probably will, as we all probably have a bad R in our lives). The thing is underthegun, you can't give up until you roll a 6. If you settle for less you are letting yourself down and denying him an opportunity to meet a woman that will truly appreciate him as he seems like a good guy. People tend to 'settle' for numerous reasons and those Relationships are never truly satisfying. You are 22 and have the world at your feet. Just do right by this guy when breaking up and then after you have grieved properly (don't jump into a new R to avoid dealing with feelings) then the world is your oyster.
Author underthegun Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 Mack, thank you so much for all your help. I knew in my head that I should break up with him. I knew that I had doubts. So I broke up with him yesterday. I am so thoroughly depressed right now. I feel like no matter I do, I can't be happy. With him, I would have always been kind of doubtful and kind of unsatisfied. But I really did love him so much. And he loved me so much. Why would I end something that was so good? I almost want to call the whole thing off and have him move to San Diego after all. I don't care if we don't end up marrying each other, I feel like I cut it off too soon. We are both very much in love. It's not so wrong for us to stay together for another few years until we actually have a concrete reason to break up, right? This way, we broke it off while it was good, I just feel like I'm going to be left wondering the rest of my life. I don't know what to do. I don't think I will ask him to move down here for me, I still feel like that's asking too much of him. But I can't imagine being more miserable than I am now. I would rather be somewhat unsatisfied with our relationship than lose him completely. I dont know what to do!
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