How To Tell Whiny Guys To Shut It

[verhrzn]

Precursor: This is partially rant, and partially "how do I handle this situation in an adult fashion."

 

I've been working at an IT company for about a year. There are about 400 employees, and there's a decent amount of diversity... but not too surprisingly, the biggest demographic is probably younger (mid-20's) guys.

 

Recently, my department hired a female around my age (26 years old.) I was actually on the panel that hired her.... she is extremely attractive, which made me jealous, but I set my personal feelings aside and convinced the other people on the panel she would be a good candidate for the position. Since she knows me from the interview, has a desk very near me, and we're the same age, I've been helping her out in her first few weeks.

 

Where ever we go in the company (sit together at lunch, showing her around), she gets looks. That really set off my insecurity, but I tried not to let it get to me. But now guys from around the company.... guys who have sat next to me at meetings and lunches for months and only treated me as a 'buddy'... have started coming up to me and wanting me to introduce them to her.

 

NOW I'm feeling pretty damn resentful. I've listened to these guys bitch and complain on and on about how girls just ignore them, how girls are superficial and only want money and muscles. When I ask them why they want to get to know this girl, their response is always," Oh well, she works here, so she must be interested in the same things as me!" Oh, so, I wasn't... me, who taught myself basic programming, who catches all their retro video game references, who trades nerdy jokes with them on AIM? Get real. It's because she's hot. Even the married men in our department are extra nice to her, constantly stopping by to ask if she needs anything. And when I point out to the guys that I'm single, they just look at me like "Yeah... so?"

 

It just... KILLS me, to sit there invisible as these guys that I would happily date throw themselves ar this girl, and then come crying to me about how women are so unfair when they get rejected.

 

I don't want to hate the hot new girl, as she's perfectly pleasant and nice, and heck, I was the one who pushed her through... but I feel so jealous and resentful not only of all the attention she gets, but that all she has to do is know the very basics of computers and guys are "OMG a nerd girl!" I've spent my entire life trying to earn the respect of fellow geeks, and I feel like I'm still being denied that.... because at the end of the day, all that seems to matter as a woman is whether or not you're hot.

[Cracker Jack]

Can't say I'm surprised at this topic.

[somedude81]

Me thinks your topic title is a tad misleading...

 

People are attracted to others who they think look good.

[Lonely Ronin]

two things come to mind from your post.

 

1. You have been FZ'd by your male coworkers. In other words they don't see you as a women, they see you as one of the guys.

 

2. If you want to shut them up, you're probably need to insult them. something like "Seriously, you can't introduce yourself to a new coworker, just because she is a women, how lame are you". Basically say something that will wound their pride temporarily.

[jobaba]

1) Yes, a lot of guys are like that. Married ones too. But not all. Maybe half, or less. There's shy guys and insecure guys who won't show they are attracted to a hot girl. There's married guys who REALLY believe that they are indeed married. And there's guys like me...

 

2) I've experienced the same thing with women, being ignored for better looking dudes for as long as I can remember. It used to bother me. But I don't care anymore. But for that reason, I don't treat hot women any differently than less attractive women. And honestly, I really am not that into traditionally attractive women, because looks don't mean too much to me.

 

3) Every average looking woman who is complaining about how the hot girls get all the attention is not thinking about all of the average and below guys she is turning down in a similar manner. Pot ... meet kettle.

 

It just... KILLS me, to sit there invisible as these guys that I would happily date throw themselves ar this girl, and then come crying to me about how women are so unfair when they get rejected.

 

So, yea ... there were a couple of guys who ended up working with me this year that most of the women thought were really hot. Whatever, I don't care. Didn't bother me in the least. Except I ended up falling for one of those women after getting to know her well. And I know for a fact if I looked like one of those 'hot' guys, I'd have had it in the bag. Well, I don't, and I didn't. That hurts.

 

So ... you're not alone. You could also try sprucing up your personality. The girl I fell for was average looking (showed her pic to my friends and they said average or below without knowing any background), but I still went gaga for her. She was fun and charming. Be really comfortable and fun around the guys, and try not to show the gloom and doom side you display here at these forums. It's hard I know, but hang in there.

[betterdeal]

Think of it like this: she is weeding out all the dickheads in the company for you. Once they get it out of their system you can go back to normal.

 

If men ask you to introduce them to her, tell them to man up and introduce themselves. Or tease them and ask if they have a bit if a thing for her. Or feign being disappointed and say you thought they were going to ask you out for a drink.

 

Get your head into a more confident space and make light of it in other words. And talk with her about it, and be honest and non-confrontational. You get a lot of attention from the guys - doesn't that ever get tedious? Or got any tips how I can get X Y or Z to find me attractive?

 

Find advantages in every situation. They're there somewhere.

[futuregopher]

It seems like all the "men" that ask you to introduce you to her are incompetent losers who lack the confidence to do it themselves. I am not sure what you are missing out on here. You could tease them by saying "You do know that women find the confidence to approach by yourself attractive right?". I don't know if that statement is true haha but if you say it, they might believe you.

[counterman]

Screw these guys, they can introduce themselves. You're basically one of the guys now, and they treat you that way. The only way they can see you in a new light is if you stop listening to their complaining about girls and catering to their emotional needs and if you spruce up your image as to appear as a sexy woman. But if it were me, I wouldn't even bother with these guys. These guys see you as an "in" into the girl world, maybe something they have trouble getting. I would be friends with the new girl and get her perspective on dating and whatnot, since she's pleasant and nice.

 

I can tell you that some of my friends would absolutely date you in a heartbeat. Most of them are decent guys but a little nerdy and would appreciate a girl who gets basic programming, video games and other nerdy things. As for myself, I've never been jealous of a better-looking guy. Why? Because I put my best foot forward with my appearance, as best as I can, and amongst other things, I've got other things going for me, which some guys don't. In the scheme of things, I don't have it bad and am pretty at peace with myself. When you look at yourself in the mirror do you see yourself as someone guys would want to date?

[Wolf18]

LOL how do you get ignored at your IT job OP?

 

I'm not going to sit here and pretend you're a supermodel, but you're a cute lil girl, if I saw you on the street I would assume you get hit on a lot because you're attractive but not prohibitively so.

 

There's something you're not telling us. You have to have some really horrible and obvious malformation or be morbidly obese with a beard to be a woman in her 20's that gets ignored by men. Even if you have a bad attitude you can still find countless saps to worship you.

 

About the hot woman, well, I can tell you guys will look but trust me, 99.999% of them know they have no shot with her. Unlike very good looking men who are usually on a mission to just bang everyone, very good looking women are seldom a threat to your romantic opportunities because no men are ever good enough and she probably has a boyfriend with a long line behind him waiting for a turn.

 

 

Please send your case to Ripley's Museum, this is an anamoly that has no logical answer. A woman whose decent looking and gets ignored by men this much? You are the first case I will have ever met in my entire life.

[Els]

Oh, OP, I feel for you. Been there, done that. For 18 years I was single and the guys I knew pretty much FZ'ed me... But strangely enough, when you get a bf, things change. I'm not sure what sort of perverse human nature this is, but apparently me having a bf revealed me to them as an actual girl. Sorta like when Ron never realized his feelings for Hermione until that Quidditch player asked her out at the ball . This is just my hypothesis, at least, but I can't think of any other reason I'd not had a single guy interested in me til I hit 19, but whenever I was in a R after that there was admittedly no shortage of guys wanting me. One of those who confessed to me a couple of months ago was a childhood friend whom I'd known since 11 and would have happily gone out with at 16. Jeez, guys, stop sabotaging yourselves.

 

But to be fair, I really don't think it's just men who do this; as jobaba said, women probably complain about lack of attention while ignoring the 'average' men, too. Personally I don't play the game of leagues, and I don't want a guy who does that, so as betterdeal says, having a hot girl around actually does some free filter work for me.

[Emilia]

Quit hanging out with IT guys, nerds and geeks and work/socialise with men that have decent social skills. Why would a guy ask YOU to introduce him to a mutual colleague? What are these guys?

[gaius]

It just... KILLS me, to sit there invisible as these guys that I would happily date throw themselves ar this girl, and then come crying to me about how women are so unfair when they get rejected.

Welcome to the world we live in, people are hypocrites. Next time convince your hiring panel to take on the obese, face like a troll girl instead of the attractive one if you don't want to be upstaged.

[dasein]

Quit hanging out with IT guys, nerds and geeks and work/socialise with men that have decent social skills. Why would a guy ask YOU to introduce him to a mutual colleague? What are these guys?

 

Agree with this on a couple of levels, exactly as emilia posted, and also guys who center their dating on the workplace are generally lame.

 

First thing, suggest your putting on blinders about whatever goes on at work in the sexual dimension. You are obviously one of those workhorse women, just like the workhorse guys. I mean that as a compliment. Show up, do the work, do more than the work. Participate in a collaborative work environment that is about the business model.

 

Then there is a whole other dimension of people at work, the ones who are playing games, sexual, political, male and female, sapping productivity. This girl is aware of what she is doing and using her sexuality purposefully to curry favor. If she is that naturally hot, and wants to trade on her work skills and competence, there are tons of very easy ways to deflect just a bit from her looks. She isn't doing this, so she is part of the problem. Don't cut these types slack.

 

Then there are the weak, wormy guys who suck up to women at work based on looks. They are beneath contempt IMO. Seriously, would you ever WANT a man who cruises his workplace for women? That's the height of male weakness and is IMO a character flaw. Use this as a screen. They are doing you a favor by showing sexual interest in that girl at work, teaching you what types of men are weak and whom to avoid.

 

Get your mind out of the sexual dimension at work, ignore the antics of the less thans, male and female. You may not realize it but the people in charge of quality organizations see exactly what is going on, and it gets remedied over time. If you are all these guys' boss one day, who cares what they do other than do their jobs? Think and work like their future boss and keep your socializing away from work. Good luck.

 

EDIT wanted to add that if you find yourself at a company where this kind of slap and tickle culture is encouraged, where politics and sexplay seem to trump what is going on in achieving the company's goals, start making plans to get out, the company is a loser, and will fail in time, no matter how shiny it is at the moment.

Edited November 22, 2011 by dasein

[xxoo]

If they approach you about this new girl, say something mildly discouraging like "that's a little weird...introduce yourself", and change the subject.

 

Fools

[wezol]

Have an older "good ole boy" that works with me, he's 42 and I'm 25. Believe it or not, we've been through the same things in life. Deployed, married, divorced, broke, rich, broke again, working while going to school, same ole sh*t.

 

The difference being is I don't let it show, and he does. It's annoyed everyone at work, NONE of the women like him because all he does is the "poor pitiful me" thing, he's like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

 

You need to start being blunt.

 

Every time the guy I work with starts moaning like a little school girl, I just tell him "Well, maybe one day you'll grow up..."

 

The look on their faces will be priceless.

[grkBoy]

It just... KILLS me, to sit there invisible as these guys that I would happily date throw themselves ar this girl, and then come crying to me about how women are so unfair when they get rejected.

 

I think part of the problem is you're looking at your coworkers as potential dates. Not a good idea. Don't s**t where you work.

 

Plus, based on this, things we've talked about, and other postings, it's clear your coworkers are no different than the Plain Janes out there who reject every Average Joe who comes along, all hoping for some hot handsome alpha male to look their way. Of course said alpha doesn't look their way so those Plain Janes moan and complain, scapegoating that "all men are pigs" or "all men just want some fake looking model".

 

Your coworkers set the bar too high for themselves, and they pay the price in their singledom. They want to complain women don't look at them, yet you did. They can carry on in their own BS and probably end up here as more "woe is me" guys.

 

I agree with others that you should simply mention they have two feet, are adults, etc...they can go introduce themselves. Make a crack at how this isn't high school and you're not passing a note during study hall.

 

As for you, others have said it now as well...you're not as "ugly" as you might think you are. Get away from your coworkers and see who else is out there in the world. Doll yourself up in a girly fashion and show those great assets you have. Do your hair, makeup, put on a fitted sweater and skinny jeans with boots. Go grocery shopping or sit in a cafe and be attentive to men who come in. I'll bet you turn heads.

 

Believe in yourself.

[jobaba]

Plus, based on this, things we've talked about, and other postings, it's clear your coworkers are no different than the Plain Janes out there who reject every Average Joe who comes along, all hoping for some hot handsome alpha male to look their way. Of course said alpha doesn't look their way so those Plain Janes moan and complain, scapegoating that "all men are pigs" or "all men just want some fake looking model".

 

Your coworkers set the bar too high for themselves, and they pay the price in their singledom. They want to complain women don't look at them, yet you did. They can carry on in their own BS and probably end up here as more "woe is me" guys.

 

Although the average girl has a better chance of dating (or at least being used by) the alpha male because of male and female motives. But you are right. It's pretty amazing how shallow and materialistic the vast majority are when it comes to dating. I mean, this is someone you might spend the rest of your life with...

[Feelsgoodman]

This post made me LOL big time. Do you honestly think that "catching retro video game references" and knowing basic programming increases your sex appeal?? I've got news for you...no it doesn't! (just like knowing how to sew and catching Sex And The City references likely won't make a man more attractive to women).

 

Aside from nerdiness and propensity to whine, you and the guys you work with apparently have another thing in common: you go for people who are out of your league. Unless you are a total monster, I'm sure there are guys out there who are interested in you. Problem is, you are likely not interested in them. And the guys you are interested in...well, they are interested in the new hottie. And the hottie is probably lusting after some dashingly handsome young millionaire who is totally ignoring her because he's got lots of other hotties chasing after him.

 

I guess the moral of the story is that people need to have realistic expectations.

[rightfield]

You have the opportunity to have a lot of fun with this. Make a total joke out of the whole thing.

 

When guys ask for introductions, tell them that you are booking appointments. Ask each guy if they would like to have a morning or afternoon introduction. Ask if they would prefer to go before or after <insert some other co-worker name here>. Conduct a screening interview first, where you get to ask questions, etc. This would actually be a ploy for you to get to know these guys and for them to get to know you.

 

Worst case, you'll get some laughs out of it, and you just might get someone's attention and a date.

[verhrzn]

This post made me LOL big time. Do you honestly think that "catching retro video game references" and knowing basic programming increases your sex appeal?? I've got news for you...no it doesn't! (just like knowing how to sew and catching Sex And The City references likely won't make a man more attractive to women).

 

Aside from nerdiness and propensity to whine, you and the guys you work with apparently have another thing in common: you go for people who are out of your league. Unless you are a total monster, I'm sure there are guys out there who are interested in you. Problem is, you are likely not interested in them. And the guys you are interested in...well, they are interested in the new hottie. And the hottie is probably lusting after some dashingly handsome young millionaire who is totally ignoring her because he's got lots of other hotties chasing after him.

 

I guess the moral of the story is that people need to have realistic expectations.

 

Why do some people always go to this idea that I MUST be ignoring less attractive guys? That I must be a hypocrite who only goes for guys out of my league? There AREN'T guys interested in me, unattractive or otherwise. Now, maybe the guys I'm interested in are out of my league... but if pasty, chubby nerds with glasses are out of my league, well then what exactly am I left with?

 

Why is it so inconceivable that there are girls no guys find attractive? Why is it so hard to believe that a girl can be not a total monster and still not have guys who want her... is it some sort of projection, that guys tell themselves it's perfectly fine to ignore the average chick and go for the hot girl, since the average chick is just as shallow as them?

[Feelsgoodman]

Why do some people always go to this idea that I MUST be ignoring less attractive guys? That I must be a hypocrite who only goes for guys out of my league? There AREN'T guys interested in me, unattractive or otherwise. Now, maybe the guys I'm interested in are out of my league... but if pasty, chubby nerds with glasses are out of my league, well then what exactly am I left with?

 

Why is it so inconceivable that there are girls no guys find attractive? Why is it so hard to believe that a girl can be not a total monster and still not have guys who want her... is it some sort of projection, that guys tell themselves it's perfectly fine to ignore the average chick and go for the hot girl, since the average chick is just as shallow as them?

Well, it's just common sense. You live in a country where women have a huge upper hand when it comes to dating. On top of that, you work in a male-dominated environment where most guys are single almost by definition (being computer programers and all). It is simply inconceivable that you would be ignored by everybody unless you are a total monster or have a very off-putting personality.

 

Like the other poster said, something about your story does not add up. In fact, it makes about as much sense as a guy complaining that he can't get laid in a Bangkok brothel...

Edited November 22, 2011 by Feelsgoodman

[ChessPieceFace]

at the end of the day, all that seems to matter as a woman is whether or not you're hot.

 

Well, there's hot, average and ugly. I dunno which of those you are. Is that your picture in your profile? It's a small picture but from what I can tell you look perfectly attractive to me, so I will assume you are average.

 

Hot means you will get lots of attention, probably more attention than you want. I wouldn't be too envious. Would you really want half of your company hanging all over you every day??

 

Also, guys find lots of different girls attractive. SOME girls are genuinely ugly, and it's a hard road for them, but really not that many and as far as I can tell you aren't ugly. Since you don't have guys falling all over you, what you really need is personality, positivity and something going on in your life. Same as what a guy needs.

 

Seems like you are the one whining, that you don't have date offers and attention flying at you without any effort. It's 2011, you don't have to sit at home waiting for some guy to ask you out. You are perfectly capable of doing so, of taking control of your life and trying to get what you want.

 

Your tone here makes me wonder if you are a man hater, and if that is driving men away, but perhaps you're just in a bad mood over this. If you do have dorky interests, "male" interests, that is a huge bonus in my opinion. One of the biggest worries I have about any given girl is whether we'll have anything to do or talk about. I may be guilty of giving looks and attention to the hot girls, but when it goes past the first 5 minutes of date #1 there had better be something to talk about, otherwise it's going nowhere. If you are looking for lots of cheap sex, then I guess you might be dejected. But if you are looking to form a lasting relationship with someone I think you are selling yourself way short. Dorky, male activities and interests are what would actually interest me most.

[Feelsgoodman]

Seems like you are the one whining, that you don't have date offers and attention flying at you without any effort. It's 2011, you don't have to sit at home waiting for some guy to ask you out. You are perfectly capable of doing so, of taking control of your life and trying to get what you want.

Bingo. She's whining about guys being shallow, while it's obvious that she wants nothing more than being the hot girl that is the centre of attention.

[dasein]

Bingo. She's whining about guys being shallow, while it's obvious that she wants nothing more than being the hot girl that is the centre of attention.

 

I think that's unfair. Who among us hasn't had the experience of a work colleague being unduly fawned over and resenting that? Some of the places I worked in the past had male approximations of what OP describes, the gladhander who doesn't know the work, shirks it even, but does well because they play the social suckup game and look the part of leadership. Weak management responds to it and then with that bad precedent, others fall in line. It's how the "Peter Principle" starts to roll whether talking about women or men at work, and also how weak organizations begin their decline as the people actually doing the work become resentful and morale suffers. I know OP couched it as an attraction issue, but definitely see the general workplace subtext in her post.

[Woggle]

There is nothing wrong whatsoever about how you look but you do come across as a man hater which will make a man turn away if he senses it. No man wants to deal with a woman that hates his gender.