tassle01 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I've been dating my SO for the past 3 years. He is without a doubt the love of my life and I've somehow managed to singlehandedly ruin my relationship. Things used to be really great until I became possessive, controlling, jealous and overall almost like a dog towards him. This all began when his ex started to contact him and write love letters of how she missed the old days of them being together. I guess I felt threatened and lashed out. Well, this lashing out never stopped. For a year he has been beginning me to stop being so controlling and obsessive. He has promised me he would only be with and no other woman means what I do to him. The funny part is that I trust him but I couldn't suppress the insane controlling monster within me. We had a blow out last week and my SO said he's putting his foot down because he doesn't think I will ever change. He says he's been pleading with me for a year to change my behavior but since I haven't he just can't live like this anymore. I've only begun to realize over the past few weeks the significance of my atrocious ways. I am losing the man I love, my soulmate, my everything. I let him be for a few days and we spoke with LC but today I asked him if it really was the last straw for him. He says he's not sure and that he loves me and wants to be with me but he believes that if I really did care for him I would have cleaned up my act a long time ago, but instead I just kept repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I have spoken with a therapist and I know I need to change. I have recognized my issue and I want to change for myself and for my relationship. My question here is that he is very on the fence about getting back together because he feels that I will not change my behavior (since I haven't for over a year). Nothing I say will show him this of course, actions speak louder than words. His ex still contacts him from time to time and as much as I don't want to feel like she may be a backup, I can't help but have that thought in my mind. Please help me figure out what the best way would be to salvage my relationship. I know so many people on here have such positive insight and I would be eternally grateful to all.
leoc1973 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Oh this is a no brainer. You tell him you love him and you are going to leave him alone. Tell him right now you want him back but you are going to move on if he doesn't want you anymore. Then you leave him the hell alone! I mean seriously. I know you are going to feel like you can do LC but everytime you do you WILL end up stoning him and he will be reminded you are never gonna back off. You are right actions speak louder than words so your actions should be to do nothing. Leave him alone completely. If you really want him back keep reminding yourself that you have to do this to get him back. The only girl I ever broke up with was for the same reasons. I loved her so much but everytime I even spent more than 5 minutes with her she started with the interrogation. I couldn't wait to get away from her.
Author tassle01 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Leoc, did you end up getting back together with her? I know I am completely smothering him and I really need to back off and do a total 180 but I really want him back and don't know how to handle re-apearing in his life. Also, if he initiates contact with me would I continue NC and not respond or respond shortly and allow him to be in the drivers seat in terms of initiating contact with me while I go NC from my end? How long does this process usually take in terms of getting back together?
NCLax85 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I've been dating my SO for the past 3 years. He is without a doubt the love of my life and I've somehow managed to singlehandedly ruin my relationship. Things used to be really great until I became possessive, controlling, jealous and overall almost like a dog towards him. This all began when his ex started to contact him and write love letters of how she missed the old days of them being together. I guess I felt threatened and lashed out. Well, this lashing out never stopped. For a year he has been beginning me to stop being so controlling and obsessive. He has promised me he would only be with and no other woman means what I do to him. The funny part is that I trust him but I couldn't suppress the insane controlling monster within me. We had a blow out last week and my SO said he's putting his foot down because he doesn't think I will ever change. He says he's been pleading with me for a year to change my behavior but since I haven't he just can't live like this anymore. I've only begun to realize over the past few weeks the significance of my atrocious ways. I am losing the man I love, my soulmate, my everything. I let him be for a few days and we spoke with LC but today I asked him if it really was the last straw for him. He says he's not sure and that he loves me and wants to be with me but he believes that if I really did care for him I would have cleaned up my act a long time ago, but instead I just kept repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I have spoken with a therapist and I know I need to change. I have recognized my issue and I want to change for myself and for my relationship. My question here is that he is very on the fence about getting back together because he feels that I will not change my behavior (since I haven't for over a year). Nothing I say will show him this of course, actions speak louder than words. His ex still contacts him from time to time and as much as I don't want to feel like she may be a backup, I can't help but have that thought in my mind. Please help me figure out what the best way would be to salvage my relationship. I know so many people on here have such positive insight and I would be eternally grateful to all. I have been the guy in this situation for the past 6 years and through 3 breakups. I'll let you know how she got me back the most recent time and my opinion. We are currently broken up again. First, I would like to say that unless you truly believe you can change and will take the necessary steps, then it will not work out. 2nd, you have absolutely every right to be mad at him for being in contact with his ex. She got me back by going to therapy, developing her own interests and independence, church group for her anger, respecting my space and not constantly harrassing me, her growing closer to her family and friends, she hit a sweet spot when she began being very sweet and close with my family as well. She showed true interest in my friends and my hobbies and we would have great conversations etc.... Then a week we got back I went on a trip with my friends that I planned before we got back and she went totally ballistic on me and my family... Then every positive thing she did for herself and me, she simply stopped doing... Fell back into her old patterns. We have broken up 3 times, so please, make sure you're willing to put in the work bc it won't be easy. He clearly loves you, but no guy wants an overly jealous or smothering girlfriend... That's part of what happened to me and it is not pleasant being on the receiving end. If he is worth it, go for it 100%... Just know it is no easy task. It took months for me to trust her enough to get back last time.
Author tassle01 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 NCLax85, I hope things work out for you. It definitely seems like you love her and your waiting for her to change. During these breakups that you went through did you do strict NC and how long did it take until you guys got back together? It's difficult for me to do NC and I'm not sure if it should be no contact or little contact because he does reach out to me here and there. I am indeed willing and most importantly ready to change. Sometimes. it's a challenge to find the inner strength to not bring up the ex, the problems or do any of the smothering, controlling things I've done in the past. I also feel like there are times where he will say something or imply something in order to test me, to see my reaction ... will she be the same old jane that smothered me and lead me to break up with her or is she a new reformed woman who I will love and get back together with. It's a fine line, and honestly I'm walking the tight rope. I know each situation is different and follows its own time line I just wish I knew exactly what to do, when to do it, how to say it and after how long.
NCLax85 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 The first time it did not take long, maybe a month or 2. Started off as NC, then a text here a phone call there from both ends and before I knew it I got sucked back in. Now the previous time took 5-6 months.... My situation may have been a bit different though since she literally drove me into depression and I let it happen... I'm not sure how much of an impact it has had on him, but for me, I needed months to find myself again, to get back into shape, to clear my head, to rekindle friendships... to pretty much get back to being me. Everyone is different and I believe I have the type of personality that makes me more prone to feeling guilty etc.. So as far as how long goes, it can take months. As far as what you should do.... I can only say what would have worked on me. Just make sure he knows that you are working on things and that you love and care about him.... Then simply leave him alone and give him the time he needs to truly clear his head. From experience, it just makes the situation worse when the man or woman doesn't get the space he or she needs. Also, let him know the progress you are making at therapy or on your own every now and then. Most importantly, do whatever you can to make yourself happy. Spend time with friends, family, hobbies, work, etc.. Try to really grow from this situation. Don't beat yourself up too much either! It takes 2 to make a relationship work. I know the thing with his ex really affected you and to be honest, I would have freaked out. I know because I have in the past lol.... It just gets to the point where you have to either forgive him or not, if you choose to forgive, you need to put trust in him and leave the past in the past. I'm not saying to be blind to any sketchy behavior, but just realize that you can't have a healthy relationship if you simply can't get over what happened. With all of that being said, everyone is extremely different. What I wrote is simply what worked on me in the past!
Author tassle01 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Thanks NCLax85. It does take two to tango and make a relationship work. I am trying my best to work on myself and let him figure out whatever it is he needs to. If it brings him back to me, great, I am here with open arms for him always. I do trust him, despite him having been in contact with the ex. I know they are in contact now as well but I am hopefully there is no real substance behind it. We love each other and as the saying goes, allow someone to leave and if they come back to you, they were always yours. I keep thinking that and am finally giving him the space he has been craving for so long, yet not receiving from me in our relationship.
Author tassle01 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 I sent him an email saying I feel betrayed because he is speaking to his ex and other women and that I am not okay with that behavior from him. I told him that I think we need a break for him to figure out what he wants and what his heart wants. This was the only way to do it and the most important part for me right now is to stay strong and not break. I want to show him that I mean business and if he loves me then he will come back to me as the man I fell in love with, and I will be the only woman in his life. Going NC until ... he hopefully comes around.
Author tassle01 Posted November 27, 2011 Author Posted November 27, 2011 So I found out today that he went away with his friend and 2 other women for the holiday weekend. I don't really know what to say or do right now. I just feel so shook up. I feel like it's so easy for him to walk away, maybe it wasn't true love? I am always the most forgiving person but how can I forgive someone, a man who I spent two years of my life with, who just forgets about me and goes away with 2 other women. Can there be reconciliation after such sabotage and betrayal????
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