Greetings!

[Jesskun]

Hello! I've been ghosting around the forums reading other stories for a few weeks and I wanted to register and finally tell my LDR story.

 

I met my girlfriend online back at the end of August. We hit it off quickly, going from chatting to texting to Skyping. A lot of the talk you might expect from two people falling for each other ensued. Late night text sessions that were incredibly intimate, ranging from dreaming about the future to going as far as to call each other soulmates.

 

We had been planning to meet at a convention at the end of October, but I just couldn't wait. I booked a flight out to Houston(I'm in Santa Barbara, CA) for the end of September. To this day I still believe this is one of the best decisions I've ever made. The 5 days we spent together were sublime. It wasn't without its problems, though. I'm 29 and she's 25. She comes from a traditional Brazilian family and still lives with her parents. She isn't ready for me to meet her parents because she says that they will harass her constantly about it, particularly because she met me online. While I was in Houston, I stayed at a hotel for the 5 days. I didn't like the fact that I was being hidden. I'm a mature adult. I live alone. I have a great career. I don't need to relive my teenage years.

 

When I got back home, LDR life continued as normal for about a week. My girlfriend is currently unemployed and is now going back to school for a 2nd degree because she thinks her current degree in Theater Stage Management was a bust. Her parents began harassing her about her financial status and that she shouldn't go to the convention at the end of October. They eventually convinced her that it was a bad idea and she cancelled her plans. Now, being the hopelessly smitten guy that I am, I decided I'd rather fly back out to Houston(this time for 9 days) to spend more time with her than go to a convention that I was looking forward to.

 

Unfortunately, the 2nd trip wasn't nearly as fun as the first. Once again, she didn't want her parents knowing that I existed, and was forced to see me less. Now, I don't know about anyone else, but being couped up in a hotel for 9 days was just plain abysmal. Seeing the person I flew out to see for 5 or 6 hours a day on average without much else to do wasn't acceptable. I confronted her about it but she insisted that's how things had to be for now. I accepted this as a sacrifice and a means to an end even though I am still unhappy about it to this day.

 

Now I'm back home and haven't seen my girlfriend in just under a month. A couple of weeks ago we had our first real fight. The day after the fight she told me to back off and that she needed time to think. Well, this horrified me. I've never had a woman tell me this before and I've only heard or read about it. To me, all signs pointed to an end to the relationship. I was heartbroken the entire day. I tried to work but it was difficult to focus. I shed some tears while I spoke to my Dad, who was surprisingly helpful. I resigned to let her go and decided to move on. I wasn't going to call her and break up because I knew that I didn't need to hear the words. For some reason, that very night I was cheerful. All of my worries and pain had slipped away. We had been chatting in an online chatroom with mutual friends and everything felt like it did back in September. There was a lack of tension that I think we both missed. A few hours later, she called me on Skype and we talked and enjoyed each other's company as if nothing had happened. I knew that I had to give her space while she attempted to sort out her life and accepted that. There still isn't light at the end of this tunnel but I'm going to talk to her about our ultimate goals again.

 

The past two weeks have been interesting. We've had ups and downs. This weekend, in particular, things haven't gone so well. We've been snapping at each other more lately and we finally had a serious conversation about it last night. Somewhere in that conversation ending the relationship came up. I immediately stated that was not what I wanted and asked if that's what she wanted. She said no, but she didn't want us to be fighting and didn't know how to resolve the situation. The rest of the night I tried my best to defuse those thoughts and she agreed that she shouldn't have brought them up. I went to bed feeling somewhere between at ease and unsatisfied. This morning I confronted her and asked if she was ready to end the relationship. She said that she was NOT ready to be done with our relationship. I had to take that as it was and get on with my day.

 

So there you have it. I'm sure I've left something important out, but it's been a roller coaster ride for sure. I've noticed that the initial euphoria has worn off. We don't have long, intimate conversations like we did when we first met. My girlfriend chalks this up to having an amazing first two months and then coming back to reality. She also admits that she didn't want things to get serious so quickly, especially since her life is in disarray while I seem to have everything except my love life under control. She wants the relationship to remain lighthearted and whimsical while I'm not sure that's enough for me.

 

It's a pleasure to meet everyone here and I'm looking forward to any comments or suggestions that you might have!

 

-Jesse

[underthegun]

Hi Jesse.

 

I totally understand where she is coming from with having to hide you. I am 22 and Lebanese and my family is VERY traditional. I just moved away a few months ago, but up until then, every boy I dated, including my current serious boyfriend was a secret from my family. Trust me, it is not about you. It doesn't mean that you're not good enough to introduce or anything along those lines. She's just trying to spare some anger and tension and even worse repercussions with her family. This is something you just have to be patient with, if you think the relationship is worth it.

 

Secondly, I have done online meets that turned into dating. I have done long distance relationships. I have even met a guy online who I then had a long-distance relationship with, and, honestly, it is not smart. There is just not enough foundation built up just from knowing someone online and then trying to maintain an ldr. LDRs should only be embarked upon when you are already committed. It's really hard to start a relationship as a long-distance relationship.

 

If you really, honestly think that it's worth it, then by all means try to make it work, but it sounds like the odds are stacked against you. There are a lot of obstacles and there have already been ups and downs. You have only known each other a few months; it shouldn't be this hard.

[Jesskun]

Thank you so much for the reply!

 

I've come to terms with her choice to wait on telling her family about me. There's no reason for me to push this aspect of the relationship at this time and I've accepted it as a sacrifice.

 

I think many of us have met a love in our lives that we'd move mountains for. I haven't felt this way about a woman in seven years, and I intend to see this through. For better or for worse.

 

I unintentionally left out of my original story that I had planned to look at apartments closer to her area the 2nd time I visited her. She originally thought this was a great plan and that it would solve many problems. However, when I was out there setting up times to look at places, she confronted me and told that she was not ready for me to move close to her. To this day I still do not fully understand the mixed signals, but I've chalked it up to the relationship moving too fast for the both of us.

[Jesskun]

Well, on Sunday she decided it was time to break off the relationship. I tried to compromise but I didn't push it too hard. I guess when your mind is made up, nothing can change it.

 

I actually did most of the talking, which was strange considering it was she who was breaking up with me. She called me on Skype, looking extremely upset. I knew right away what she wanted, but I wanted her to say it. She wouldn't. It was a lot of, "I don't know. I don't want to be a bitch. I don't want to hurt you." So finally, I replied with, "So you want to break up?" She said yes and for the rest of the time it was only me talking. She would only say, "I'm sorry" over and over.

 

I wrote her a more formal goodbye letter yesterday, wishing her the best, but also letting her know that I was going No Contact for a while. She was VERY insistent on remaining friends, but I'm not going to budge on that. I guess that was her out. "If we can stay friends, I'll feel better about myself."

 

I believe that our lack of a clear goal for the relationship was what ultimately caused the fall. I confronted her previously about what our "light at the end of the tunnel" was, but she said that she didn't really feel she needed one. That having fun and eventually being together some day was enough. It wasn't enough for me, but I bit my lip and we continued our roller coaster ride.

 

The stress is beginning to subside and I've actually been able to sleep a full night since last Thursday. We're at two different places in our lives, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Jesskun