John123 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Okay, so my ex gf broke up with me about 2 and a half months ago. It kind of came out of nowhere for me but I guess there were a few signs I should have picked up on. I just graduated (finance degree) from college (where we both went) and got a great job at the corporate office of a multi biliion dollar international company with benefits and all that...there is a whole lot of upside potential for moving up the corporate ladder. It's not something I could pass up. Just a month before the break up she was talking about transfering to university near me and living here...We had planned to marry when she graduates in the spring of 2013. I am 22, she is 20. Basically I think it is just bad timing. Okay that was a short backstory. Anyways...when we were dating she used to always ask me if I would pursue her if anything ever happened between us. I would always say "no" and she would always get a little upset. So now that this is a reality I have been thinking lately that maybe I should pursue her. She is a very down to earth girl and doesn't play games. I have been in NIC (no initiating contact?) ever since the breakup and I would say she texts me every week or two weeks and I reply and keep it short, usually saying "I'm about to go to the gym, it was good hearing from you" type stuff. I bought her a dog ba couple months before the BU so that is usually a topic that she uses to start contact. Since she is the type of girl that likes to be "courted" (her words) I feel like this is something I can do to get her back. I feel like I should at least try because I feel like I will regret it if I don't. She lives 3 hours away but I will be going to her city probably in a month or so to visit college friends and what not. I am thinking about texting her soon, scratch that, calling her to ask her out to dinner when I come back in town. Since there was no real reason other than bad timing and us being young among some other small things, I feel like I can reignite the spark and show her why she loved me and planned her life with me in the future. So what do you guys think? I tried to keep this short so people would read, so if I left out some needed details let me know. Thanks!!
ChelseaLS Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Have you guys had any contact since the BU? What did she say when the BU happened?
Author John123 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 I basically kept it very short...on the phone she said she couldn't do it anymore and I basically just said okay, have a nice life...I didn't know what to say and didn't beg or anything. Just let it be. This is the message she sent me the next day. Hey XXXX.. I just wanted to try and explain myself a little more. I feel like our conversation was cut short and I can't blame you for that. I know it sounds like such a cop out and I can't ask you to fully understand all of this but if you've ever trusted me I hope you can trust me when I tell you the real reasons I did this. I've spent my entire teenage years dating someone, and I've learned a lot from that but I've also never had time to really find out who I am and what I want out of life for ONLY myself.. I've always focused on two people and never just me. It sounds extremely selfish but I know that it all hit me at once and that if I didn't take the time to do this, then I would never be able to have a fair relationship because that would always be in the back of my mind. I never dreamed of this happening and like you said, I planned my life around you too.. I want you to know the real reasoning and not worry about anything else. I'm crushed by all of this and I really just need time to find out what I need in life. I realized that I have always defined my self worth in guys and that is extremely unhealthy. I've never had a chance to really talk to you about all of this because (as you know) talking about my deep feelings with you never really worked out. I know you said you could work on it but it never really went anywhere. I don't want to say anything that leads you on or is unfair to you so I'm just going to leave it at that. Please believe that I've never wanted this and I never wanted to hurt you.. This is just something I need to do by myself. I'm so sorry XXXX. Don't feel obligated to reply I just wanted you to know all of this. XXXXXX She says the bold text because when we talked on the phone on the day of the breakup she said "I don't know what will happen in the future, I just can't do this right now, it's not fair to you and I have to figure myself out..." I cut her off there and said, "don't say that, you can't say that and lead me on like that.." Thanks you for you input in advance
ChelseaLS Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I see this a lot on this site. High school romances, both have only ever been with one person and then one feels they need to go out and experience the single life. It's very unfortunate in a way, one person is generally more committed and okay with people with only one person forever. I always believed in high school and for a time after that I should be single and experiencing life... in which I did. I wanted to see what was out there before I got serious. Anyways, have you talked to her since? How do you think she would respond?
Author John123 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 I'm pretty positive she would say yes. I know for a fact that if I was still living in her city we would be together still. I think it all hit her at once that she would have to give up so much to be with me. She would have to move further away from her family and wouldn't have any friends here. The only reason she would say no is if she just isn't ready and doesn't want to hurt me/lead me on. If I do do this, how should I ask her? I was planning on saying something like "Hey next time I'm in XXXXX we're going out to dinner." That way it comes off as kind of flirty/forward and shows that I am telling her and already assuming she says yes. That's usually how I do things with girls. I tell them and they agree, i never ask haha it may seem kind of douchey (spelling?) but it works...I really am a nice guy and all the girls I know know that. But I also know that nice guys finish last so you have to keep them on their toes What do you think?
ChelseaLS Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Hey if it works and you think she'll say yes then what have you got to loose? How will you feel is she says no? Will you be okay with that?
Author John123 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 I know if she says no it still won't be my last shot, and as much as that would suck I would probably just move on with my life and let her come to me since I already put myself out there. My past ex and I, who I saw recently, ended up hanging out a few times, and basically admitted she wanted me back. I have grown up a lot since them and not to be mean but I can do way better than her. I haven't contacted her in weeks because I don't want to lead her on. This gives me hope that my recent ex will come back eventually. How soon that will be is the question... Should I postpone until she contacts me again first? She IMed my brother saying that we all need to go to her city and visit the dog I bought her. So this shows that she is trying to stay connected to me through my brother and friends. We were all close as me and my bro were roommates and she lived in the same complex as us. All these things are giving me hope!! I just worry that it is false hope...
ChelseaLS Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Well why not wait until you are actually going to her city and then ask her?
Author John123 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Yeah that's true...I just don't want her to think I am closing lines of communication as I haven't initiated contact with her. Maybe open up to more communication? I went NC on my part just to give her time to think about what she wants and made sure I wasn't part of her life since that's the decision she made and seemed to want. I don'e want to push her away for good so I have just been focusing on myself.
ChelseaLS Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Does she realize you are NC for specific reason? Not just ignoring her. If she knows why, then she'll understand. She hasn't initiated contact since the BU? If she hasn't I would say that that says something... I don't know though because of her message to your bro.
Author John123 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 No, sorry for the confusion. I have talked to her only through texting and IM though. I meant I never initiate it. She'll text/IM randomly probably 6 time since the BU so every week or two. That's why I'm wondering if it's my turn to reach out since she has done it numerous times, maybe eventually she will think I don't want to hear from her and stop...
SimonMas Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 No, sorry for the confusion. I have talked to her only through texting and IM though. I meant I never initiate it. She'll text/IM randomly probably 6 time since the BU so every week or two. That's why I'm wondering if it's my turn to reach out since she has done it numerous times, maybe eventually she will think I don't want to hear from her and stop... Hi John, Nice post. Any development? She sounds like a nice girl. If I were you, I will pursue.....at least I will know if she really loves me. Just a thought..
citrusdrop1688 Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 U said you thought it was bad timing, but nothing about the timing has changed. Whats happened that would make it so you didnt break up again. Its still long distance. Arent u guys both still at the point that made it bad timing in the first place?
Author John123 Posted November 30, 2011 Author Posted November 30, 2011 Hi John, Nice post. Any development? She sounds like a nice girl. If I were you, I will pursue.....at least I will know if she really loves me. Just a thought.. I actually haven't done anything yet...I am still contemplating whether I should or not...I'm starting to realize that there isn't a point, she broke up with me and didn't want me in her life. Why should I try? U said you thought it was bad timing, but nothing about the timing has changed. Whats happened that would make it so you didnt break up again. Its still long distance. Arent u guys both still at the point that made it bad timing in the first place? Well because I moved away and she's still in school. But yes, we are still at that point. I think I'll just leave it alone, if something happens then fine, if not I'll eventually find someone better...
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