Kaito Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I've only ever been in two serious relationships, and only ever with three men sexually... so when it comes to love, I'm a bit lost. My first relationship I was not attracted to him. It lasted for 5 years cause I thought, eventually, I would feel that way. No dice. I ended up breaking his heart cause I didn't love him romantically, as much as I loved him as a friend, and I vowed to NEVER do that to another person. Second relationship I was totally infatuated. He ended up abusing me and it took me about 3 years to end it. He broke my heart more times than I care to count. Now I'm back on the dating scene. I've become infatuated again, twice at least now, and both times my heart was broken. Both times I found myself unable to relax, to be myself. It has me wondering if, maybe, this infatuation is not what its about. I know they call it "puppy love" and eventually it goes away. But neither of these times developed into a relationship that would even give it a chance to go away. I felt used, more or less. I want to avoid this situation again, but I'm afraid of going to other way and being with someone I don't love "enough", and breaking THEIR heart. Fast forward, I met a guy named Ben. I have a lot of fun with him. I feel safe with him. He drives me nuts sexually and I find him attractive, just not "omfg he's hot" attractive. But... he knows how to make a woman feel sexy, loved, etc. He's a complete gentleman, smart, I can be myself around him and have a great time. But I didn't feel that infatuation I normally get. He wants to date me. I told him I was scared, that it wouldn't work... but then I got this urge to see him again. I surprised him at work, totally blew his mind, and I was so sosososo happy to do so. I loved making him that happy. And we had a great night and day when we woke up. I haven't had sex with him yet cause I was / am still nervous, but... I had fun nonetheless and was aiming to see where it went. Then I went back to work, where I have a co-worker I had a crush on but was trying to ignore. Well, I told some people about it and they said I should pursue him. I started talking to him, made plans, he said he would text me when he could go out on Sunday night (after his daughter's mom picked her up) ... sunday comes and goes, I don't hear from him. Done with that -- I have no patience for that crap anymore. I HATE it when people don't get back to me. Also, my friends say he's got a lot of issues he's still dealing with, I assume his ex, but its really none of my business. I was cautious to begin with cause he's a co-worker, now I'm just downright going to avoid it. Anyway, when I went back to work after being with Ben, I saw this co-worker (this is before I even tried talking to him). I decided to make my move with him and be friendly/open up to him a little, be flirty, etc. I liked what I saw of him. I saw the type of person I like, but also a very dark person with a lot hanging over his head it seems. I decided to go for it anyway. I thought, "if I liked Ben enough, I wouldn't have this other crush still... I have to end it with him." So I called Ben, I told him I was sorry, but I couldn't continue it (I told him why, I was very honest... I explained that I don't want to break his heart in the long run, and if I'm still having thoughts of other guys so early on, that its probably not meant to be). My take: I'm not infatuated, so clearly I don't love him enough and I'll just hurt him like I did my first boyfriend. The situation isn't quite the same, as I do enjoy physical intimacy with Ben. Its just not that infatuation / lust I feel for some other guys. But, there's also the side of it that I have with Ben and haven't really had with a whole lot of other guys... the ability to just be free, happy, myself around him. I have lots of doubts, but regardless of all those, I love my time with him. And... ever since he made a move on me and we spent quite a bit of time together... I think of him. A lot. I don't mean to, don't try to, don't even want to. I thought moving on would be no issue. But... I find myself missing his love, his quirkiness, his intelligence, his talent, etc. The physical aspect still scares me, but no matter how you slice it he still turned me on like woah. I think cause I've had so few partners, I'm still nervous about taking on another if I'm not "certain" this will be it. But, I realize, I can never BE certain of that. And being infatuated with someone doesn't MAKE that certain, it just means I like them a lot. My question is... how is love SUPPOSED to be? True, lasting love? Is it okay that I have thoughts of other people early on? I know people who do even after being in committed relationships, and thats always been weird to me. But... those "hot" guys I may go after, thinking "they're out of my league but I'll try anyway" ... they make me nervous. I'm not so much afraid to be myself anymore, but I'm still scared of not being good enough. Ben always made me feel good enough... better than good enough. Is doubt okay? Someone once told me we choose who we end up loving. She meant, who we end of marrying and loving forever. I see what she means. I can't choose who I end up lusting after, who I like for whatever reason. I wasn't seeking Ben out as anything more than a friend, but he liked me a lot and sought me out and has lived up to everything a great boyfriend should be. ... I CAN choose who to love and be with, which means that there will be others who might catch my attention... but the idea is I CHOOSE to be with one person. That its okay that others may capture my attention, as long as I don't act on it... because I chose to be with this one person for a reason. Thoughts? I know I overthink things, but I don't want to seek this guy out again to try and start a relationship with him if I'm barking up the wrong tree. My thing is though... why am I thinking about him so much?? Why does everything remind me of a moment we shared? A GOOD moment? Also, he has had LOTS of sexual partners. That is kind of new to me.. not sure how to take it except that it seems to be the norm now. I don't think that I'm just a notch on the bedpost though. He's pretty legit about it and got REALLY upset when I broke it off, pretty much told me that if/when I Was ready to seek him out. So... So my plan is, if I decide to go for it, I'm going to visit him at work or at his open mic show and tell him this: That I want to date, but we have to take it slow. Very slow. That I like him, but I'm still going to be nervous for a time. I don't want to waste his time, but I want to see where it goes. (He knows about my abusive ex and has done a great job making me feel safe) Other things to consider.. he smokes weed... a lot. He said he'd given it up when we started things. I imagine he started again. I'm going to ask him about it. I can't be with him if he's going to be smoking and he knows it (cause of my job). I like to think, now, that love is supposed to be this way. That I'm not supposed to be obsessed, possessive, etc. That if he ever wants to leave, its okay that I'm OKAY with it. That I don't have to be infatuated to still be in love. I don't know if I love him, but I do know I really enjoy him, myself around him, my time with him, etc. And I think he's a good person who won't ever hurt me. And I know that I don't have to marry the guy if I don't want to and I can end it at any time (but I'd rather not hurt him if I don't have to either...). Again...... thoughts???
loversquarrel Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Do Ben a favor and let him move on. If you choose him he will end up an alcoholic after years of dealing with you.
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