TurkBhoy Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 My girlfriend of 7yrs broke up with me last week. To be honest its all my fault! The reasons she states are: mood-swings, controlling ways, telling her what she can & cant do & arguing about the smallest things and I am always shouting at her. I do not deny any of this. I am to blame. She also told me that she loves me as a person but isnt sure if shes in-love with me! I love her so much & cant live without her. We made so many plans to emigrate and now Ive just thrown it all away. I am seeing her every Sunday as she is going to be my sponsor at Church. I am sincerely sorry and I am going to change. I have purchased a book about anger and I am going to anger management sessions once a slot is available. She is aware of all this. Im finding it to not contact her. I love her so much and I cant spend my life without her. I wna make her get that love back for me again. Please help people!
mike588 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 My girlfriend of 7yrs broke up with me last week. To be honest its all my fault! The reasons she states are: mood-swings, controlling ways, telling her what she can & cant do & arguing about the smallest things and I am always shouting at her. I do not deny any of this. I am to blame. She also told me that she loves me as a person but isnt sure if shes in-love with me! I love her so much & cant live without her. We made so many plans to emigrate and now Ive just thrown it all away. I am seeing her every Sunday as she is going to be my sponsor at Church. I am sincerely sorry and I am going to change. I have purchased a book about anger and I am going to anger management sessions once a slot is available. She is aware of all this. Im finding it to not contact her. I love her so much and I cant spend my life without her. I wna make her get that love back for me again. Please help people! Trying to change and actually changing are two different things. Make sure you get into the anger management class and really work on yourself. Taking the class just to take it is meaningless,see if there are any other courses you can take while waiting for an opening. You say she is aware of this,good, now don't push it on her constantly reminding her of it every Sunday,,, this change you want really has to come from within you. Apoligize to her sinerely,don't bug or bother her, you will only push her further way. It's hard to do No Contact if you see her every Sunday. Talk to the pastor at your church,maybe he can help or steer you to additional help.
ChelseaLS Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Mike has a good point. You also need to WANT to change and not change for her, but change for you.
Author TurkBhoy Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Thank you for your advice Mike & Chelsea. Rest assured I am fully aware I need to change. I am also doing this for myself as well as trying to get back with her. I am hurting inside, constant panic attacks etc. However I am fully aware I only have myself to blame. I will keep you posted. If theres any other advice you can offer, please post again
ChelseaLS Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Thank you for your advice Mike & Chelsea. Rest assured I am fully aware I need to change. I am also doing this for myself as well as trying to get back with her. I am hurting inside, constant panic attacks etc. However I am fully aware I only have myself to blame. I will keep you posted. If theres any other advice you can offer, please post again It's unfortunate that it can take a break up to make people realize they need to change. I think before you attempt to get her back, you need to work on your issues (and show progressive lasting change), but also learn to be comfortable with being single and on your own. I think it's healthy to be okay and alone. As for the panic attacks and what not... those are pretty damn normal for break ups.
Author TurkBhoy Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 I DO want to change for ME as well as to do it for her. This time apart as made me realise that my actions towards her were harsh and wrong. Maybe I do have a control problem. For example I dont have a problem with her going out to see her friends. If I was to say 'What time are you leaving'? and she replies, 'like 11pm, or midnight'. I have a slight issue/worry with that. I dont want her on the streets on Central London so late at night on a Friday or Saturday with all the drunks/druggies around! I do not think its safe for a young woman to be out at that time, thats just how I feel and other men at work who I have discussed this with feel the same. She has sacrificed a lot to be with me and didnt do a few things she may of wanted to because I wasnt keen on them. I should of made it a give & take relationship, as you correctly stated. I desperately want her back and would do anything. I know I have issues and Im working on those. I love her so much & as your all aware, Im in a great deal on pain. Its eating me up inside, I dont want to live anymore. I know she loves me and misses me but she says she wants a bit of freedom and not feel suffercated. She says shes not saying the break-up is permanent, but shes not saying its a break either! I want her to see me change and Im unsure how she will see it if shes not around me. We had plans to emigrate to Canada/USA. I am seeing her for the first time tomorrow 4 Church purposes. I've been told by colleagues not to let her see me upset, to be in a positive frame of mind and treat her as a friend & not really mention 'so when are we getting back together'? and constantly overwhelm her by telling her I miss/love her. Can I have a lil more advice on how I should treat tomorrow whilst Im with her, how I should be etc. Many thanks.
Author TurkBhoy Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 Hi just an update I wanted to share with you all. So at the moment where still not together and we're seeing eachother on Sundays for my Church stuff as she's my sponsor. Something happened that I wasn't happy with and I'd like your opinions: I emailed to see her this week as a received a document that she is sorting out for me. I told her I couldn't see her tonight as i was going to a football game, but maybe the nxt night. She replied by saying that was a shame as she was gna suggest going to Pizza Hut for dessert! She said she was going to a colleagues b'day tomorrow so she won't be able to see me. I decieded to leave home earlier and drive to her work. She already told me she was finishing work @ 6:10pm, so I had just enough time to get their. Whilst driving i emailed her to say call me as soon as you finished work. I didnt tell her i was coming there. I arrived at 6pm and was waiting. I didn't take my eyes off the entrance in case I missed her. At 6:05pm I txt her saying how long will you be. At 6:10pm I got my call from her and I asked her where she was. She shocked me by telling me that she's on the train home! Clearly not happy, I asked her if she read my email and she said yeah! So I said why didn't you call me straight after work!? She said she ran to the station so she could make the train before a particular shop closed where she was going to. I was really upset, I paid a charge to get there and I brought her a bar of chocolate! She tried to turn it on me by saying I should of told her I was coming but I guess I wanted to surprise her! I was expecting her to email back anyway as I sent it at 5:30pm! I was agitated and let her know that and I was gna drive her to the station anyway before I went to the game. This situation is now over with. Now for the other: prior to splitting up she told me that shouldn't be changing her email or Facebook password so I can see what she's doing. Just for the record she knows mine as well! Whilst on the train going to football, I decided to check her emails and to my surprise she emailed a guy! Someone who I've nva heard of! It was a link about Iran. I phoned her immediately and asked her if shes emailed a guy and shockingly she said no! I asked her once more and then she said yes! I asked her why she lied to me and she snapped saying that she doesnt have to justify herself to me and I'm jealous etc. I asked her who is he, how does she know him. She said she went on a training course for an hour or two and was a having a political discussion with him. I asked her did you exchange email/phone numbers and she said no. A couple of days after the course she came across that piece of news and decided to email that guy. She said she remembered his company and got his email address from the site, which I find odd bcos I can't imagine companies revealing every employees email addresses!? I told her that I didn't think it was appropriate as you don't know him, he wasn't expecting to hear from you so it looks weird not to mention all the effort you went to to email a stranger! Not to mention she wouldn't be happy I was emailing girls esp if I didn't know them! I asked her would she be happy if any random person started emailing her and she said no, so I kinda proved my point. She txt me like 1hr later saying prior to our discussion she's changed both email and Facebook passwords even though she told me I could check on her and I didn't evn go into her Facebook! She added that she didn't wna see/speak to me till Sunday as per usual. I told her I'm not jealous but you shouldn't lie to me. She txt me this: Because I don't have to justify myself to you anymore. We are not together and so I no longer need to tell you things about my life or explain myself unless I think it is necessary. In both instances I didn't think it was necessary, but u have proved that u still want to control me even now. Really strong powerful msg wasn't it!? I replied: No it's not about control. I asked u if u emailed a guy the first time and YOU said NO so I cnt c how any of this is not my concern and how I should be lied to. This isn't about control it's about honesty and respect and u lied to me. When I got home I was restless and I decieded to put the documents along with her chocolate and put them in her letter-box. I also informed her of this. She txt me: Thank you for the documentation, I will try and have it sorted by tomorrow. And I am sorry too, for making u waste your time by travelling up to my work and me having already left. I don't want u to feel like you always have to apologise just to please me - although I wasn't happy with how u spoke to me an how u wouldn't let me talk. Anyway, have a good day and we will speak on Saturday. PC So I sent this: Well I would just like to say I was very unhappy when you said that I am no longer important to you thus u can now lie to me and that I'm nothing special to you!! I really hope u look bak on that and regret/sorry 4 ur actions. To say those words would make anyone angry/upset so u need to realise that. For you to now class me as 'just like anyone else' would really make someone start thinking if anything at all was genuine. Anyway it wasn't just documents in the envelope, I just wanted to make sure you got the other thing I gt for u? Have a good week and we will talk on Sat night x She basically replied by apologising for being cruel and doesn't want me to think that our relationship is what is was before! It's the next day after my football game and it's the night where she told me she was going to her colleagues b'day. So I asked her how was her day at work and did she have a good time at her friends b'day. She told me that she didn't even go!! Also she has started to sign off her txts with her initials as you can see previously. So I asked her why she didn't contact me so we could go for that dessert and why is she signing off her txts like that when i know who she is. She said didnt think it was a good idea after our issues the other day and she didn't wanna put kisses on her msgs cos she doesn't wna lead me on! She wants to assume we're perm over/doesn't want me to hang on to something that may nva materialise and better to have no hope and be surprised! I reminded her that previously she said she wasn't sure if it's temp or perm and that I think your messing with my head! She said I was the one who through away the relationship. I replied by saying Im changing for the better but your telling u haven't made a decision but not to have hope!? Seems like u made a decision. She said she wants me to think its perm so I'm not disappointed and she can't change her mind at the moment doesn't wna give me false hope, better for me to accept then cling on to a possibility. She said she acknowledged I'm changing but cnt help thinking its too late. She misses and cares about me but it's not enough. She then added she needs to think more if she wants to give me another chance, time apart will do us good but assume we'll nva get back. She maintains to see me every week for church purposes and she said she misses the kisses and cuddles. I sent her this apology for what happened in the week: I've had time to think about my actions and I just wanted to apologise. I was too emotional and did not assume you were no longer mine. It was not my place to question ur behaviour but I couldn't help being concerned bcos I care for u so much. C u Sunday x I havent heard from her since. Please help and advise people. Do i go cold turkey? Do I hound her till she agrees to take me back.?
GymRat Posted December 3, 2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Well, I'll be honest. You do sound brutally controlling in almost every aspect of this girl's life. Why are you checking her email?! I can easily understand why she's pushing away from you. I don't think you understand, but you're broken up. That means she doesn't have to justify anything she does to you anymore. And the more you hound her, the more you validate her reason for breaking up with you. The best approach is to go no contact with her. And that means NOT checking her email or Facebook! You'll just end up finding out something else which will make you message her, and hence, push her farther away. You need to use your time away from her to really work on yourself, and stop being so controlling! You sound more like a stern father than a boyfriend from what you've described, and that's hardly anything a girl wants from a boyfriend. Truly take the time to realize your flaws, and work on them! All the best.
Author TurkBhoy Posted December 3, 2011 Author Posted December 3, 2011 GymRat, appreciate your comments. I am working on myself believe me! I understand she doesn't have to justify herself to me but I don't expect her to lie to me! It's best to be honest. I'd just like to add that she was the one who told me that she wasnt changing her passwords for email and Facebook and that I could check on her if I wanted. She also has my passwords as well and I've not changed mine. I'm not sure if she checks mine but tbh I don't think she does!! She has since changed her passwords anyway. Thanks again.
Author TurkBhoy Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Just to give you all an update: So we are still not together. We speak once or twice a week & she sees me on Sunday's for my Church stuff. Sometimes I ask whats going on with us, are we gonna get back together or not, and she just says that shes not ready yet, shes not sure that shes in-love with me, and that she loves me as a person. Then sometimes she says that she loves me and wants to get back with me but if we get back together now, then we will probably brake up within 2 weeks, so she needs more time. Sometimes she says she wants me to move on & that she sees herself as single. Clearly all these things she says are contradictions!? I asked her if shes seeing someone & she promises me that she isnt. She says she would never do that until she really knew we was over. The thing is, is that its been over 2 months now! What do I do? Friends & colleagues tell me that I should just move on & do what guys do! But I dont think I can do that! Im still having hope even though people said I shouldnt. Im thinking along the likes of 'good things come to those who wait / patience is a virtue. Some people say shes ****ing with my head and I should tell her to **** off as Im being treated like a puppet on a string being told when I can and can't see her, when I can and can't speak to her etc. She told me shes not ****ing with me head & spologises if it appears that way. She tells me that she thinks about having sex with me and has felt like doing it. We nearly did it once, but at the last minute she changed her mind! When we meet up we have a brilliant time, almost as if we're back together ie lying in bed watching films. Im just a lil' confused bcos Ive got no answers. Do I wait more/be patient, keep asking her whats going on, or just move on to someone else? Thank you.
shook187 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 let her go man, and i say this with all my knowledge because my ex of 6 years left me too. and after a month came back when i finally stopped hounding her. we got back for 3 months and realised we still need time apart. sometimes things aren't ment to be man, you've gotta understand that. life is short, don't beg, and just work on yourself, what will be will be.
Jayerjay Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Sorry to hear about your dilemma! It's awesome that you've reflected and realize you need to change, but from your stories since the break it doesn't sound like you've made any progress. Checking her email and confronting her about emailing a guy? That's bad, really bad! And continually asking if she is going to get back with you? Bad again! Probably the biggest thing you can work on changing right now is giving her space, not checking in on her, and move on with your life right now. How is she going to believe you are changing when all you do is hound her, claiming you'll change? I know it sucks, but saying she is confused and needs space means she's exploring other options. Maybe not dating anyone specifically yet, but she is seeing what else is out there and you need to let her! She knows how you feel, now don't stick around and support her through everything while she's looking for another guy, let her feel like she stands to lose you. Good luck!
Guitarjeff Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Young man. You are clearly emotionally immaqture. Do you realize that you will probably have a broken heart several more times in your life? the chancs of this girl being the love of your life that you will grow old with are almost ZERO. You say she shouldn't lie to you, but if you are even in contact with her you deserve everything you get from her because she wouldn't be able to lie to you if you had no contact with her and were working on moving on with your own life. Do you understand? You are showing most of us here that you are being controlling and this is because you are emotionally immature still. Worry not, men usually come in to their own as they mature. Time to stop the games, the contact, accept that it's over for good, and realize that you will probably feel like this again several more times. It's strange for someone like me, in my forties, to see someone like you acting as you are. It is as if I can see you from above, and i know everything you are doing and why you are doing it. Drop this, because the future will take you along with it whether you go willingly or kicking and screaming. do you understand? Stop the contact, stop the church thing with her, move on, and that's the best chance you have of her wanting you back, and if she doesn't, then you have already been on the road to manhood and recovery anyway? It's the best possible way no matter what, understand? Time to grow up, evolve, and move forward. If you are meant to be together, then nothing in the world can stop that from happening. You are actually causing yourself to have more pain than is necessary, can you see this? think of how you feel, don't you want this pain to end in the shortest possible time? Of course you do, but the decisions and things you are doing are going to make this horrible feeling actually last longer than it need last. Is that what you want? No, it isn't, but that's what you are bringing about. You are involved in the game and you can't even see the game. Stop it, cut contact, no more church, no more anything. No contact is not a golden road to happiness, it is a path out of hell.
flitzanu Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 i stopped reading after "i drove to her work and stared at the door waiting". dude, you're acting psycho. you're not together, AT ALL, she owes you no truth or lies, she owes you zero, and she has every right to talk to other men. again, sorry to say, but you ARE being a controlling possessive jerk. you aren't changing, you're getting worse (or being just the same as before) and she is only going to continue being disgusted by the behavior.
Chi townD Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Dude, I hate to tell you, you got the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" speech. Clear indicator that there is someone else. You really need to let her go, you need to get yourself into anger management classes ASAP. And you need to get a grip on your jealousy issues or you are NEVER going to have a long term relationship with anyone for a long time! Go NC. If you HAVE to see her or speak to her about immigration; then BUSINESS CONVERSATIONS ONLY!!! Personally, I would find someone else to handle your documentation... Go NC and stay there. She made it perfectly clear that, what she does is none of your business. She wanted you out of her life. So, that's what you give her.
Afishwithabike Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 She's being nice to you because she can see how much the breakup has affected you. She was probably raised to be a good girl, a conflict avoider. It gives mixed signals to you and false hope, but you need to understand that from her point of view, your relationship is over. Accept that and move gracefully from it. Your posts about checking her email, questioning her about people she's emailed, what her plans are, getting angry because she changed passwords show that you're very controlling. You come off as a stalker and frankly, I would find you creepy and scary. Your actions reinforce her belief that she was right to get away from you. You need to work on your desire to control people. It comes out of fear. It shows a great lack of confidence. It makes you seem weak and insecure. A man isn't attractive to a woman if he's that needy and insecure. If you keep behaving the way you do, you'll drive reasonable women away from you. Work on yourself. You can only change you. You can't make her come back to you. You can't badger her into coming back.
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