SBC Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 (edited) Sure, that works for him if she could do it, doesn't do much for her. Then she should leave the M. You cannot control the actions of another. If what he is doing is not enough, she can't change it because she cannot change him, so all that is left to her is to remove herself from the situation or accept it totally. Complaining about it does nothing. She could try describing what exactly it is that he could do that would make it better. But she has not articulated those things here --has she expressed them to her H? But then we are back to asking what is the OP doing to make things better and we know where that question got us last time I asked. You could not, or would not, provide any concrete examples. Edited November 28, 2011 by SBC grammar
Breezy Trousers Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) You wouldn't wish gifts on anyone? If you wouldn't wish it on anyone, then your H's infidelity isn't a gift in any way shape or form. And looking at it like that is to surrender to emotional blackmail, IMHO. If your M survived, thats great. If things are good, that is wonderful. I'm happy for you. But to say your H's infidelity gave you "gifts"? And I never feel that a M isn't salvageable after cheating, I just think its rare that it does, or should be salvaged. Depends on how remorseful and willing the cheater is to right their wrong. And even then, it better be a HUGE effort on their part. But I will always put it as I see it from, again IMHO, the viewpoint of the odds. Even when people stay married after cheating, I wouldn't exactly call it recovery, or that the marriage survived. Depends on the definition. I think too many that stay in a marriage after infidelity are miserable or at the very least never at peace being married to a cheater. Not all, but too many I believe. I don't call that surviving. You misunderstood what I wrote, so I'm sorry I wasn't clear. Yes, I received many gifts of awareness & greater intimacy from the infidelity but, no, I wouldn't want others to receive the same gifts in the same form (infidelity). It's too painful. Many cancer survivors say the same thing -- it was the greatest experience of their life because they now appreciate life so much more, but, having said that, they wouldn't want to go through the experience again or wish it upon anyone else. There IS the possibility of happiness after infidelity, and the past years of my marriage are proof of that. If DH and I didn't see that as a possibility back in 2001, then naturally it would not have been possible for us. We both had to agree upon that vision, and, for us, circumstances worked to support that vision. (Sometimes people have the vision for something better but no genuine foundation for it.) It took lots of work for us to heal. We are happy. It still takes the work of attention. The hard part of long-term marriages is not allowing life's distractions to pull you apart. Affairs, of course, are the ultimate distraction. DH and I had tremendous good will toward each other throughout our relationship. That good will carried us through the hardship. DH also had the willingness to take responsibility and do whatever it took to heal. So did I. Many do not have these advantages when dealing with infidelity. If a marriage is already overburdened with resentment or false peace, infidelity can pretty much kill a marriage off. In that instance, I agree with you, NoFool4U, that the marriage is unlikely to survive in any happy, healthy way. I no longer have the luxury of assuming infidelity cannot happen again in my marriage. That's the price I pay for choosing to stay. Some are unwilling to pay that price. I understand and respect that. One decision isn't better than the other because all situations are different, even if the fact of infidelity is the same. My opinion, of course. Edited November 29, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
nofool4u Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Then she should leave the M. I agree. I advise leaving any marriage where one spouse is a cheater. You cannot control the actions of another. If what he is doing is not enough, she can't change it because she cannot change him, so all that is left to her is to remove herself from the situation or accept it totally. Complaining about it does nothing. She isn't complaining. She is stating what is going on. Only person doing the complaining is her H because he doesn't get sex on demand. But there you go again, dismissing her pain as complaining. She could try describing what exactly it is that he could do that would make it better. But she has not articulated those things here --has she expressed them to her H? What is there to express to someone that just expects to get a free pass and wants their BS to just get over it? Agaiin, I agree, she needs to leave this abusive jerk. But then we are back to asking what is the OP doing to make things better and we know where that question got us last time I asked. You could not, or would not, provide any concrete examples. Well, trying to give him a 2nd chance is one HUGE example. But it doesn't look like he is doing much to earn that chance other than to get pissed at not having sex all the time and wanting her to just get over it. So her giving him a 2nd chance is one thing she is doing. She is showing him she doesn't just want to dump the marriage. But he isn't taking that 2nd chance and running with it. Sorry, I know someone like you won't see it, but its the cheater that needs to bear the burden of initiating greater effort in trying to repair the damage they have done.
nofool4u Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 You misunderstood what I wrote, so I'm sorry I wasn't clear. Yes, I received many gifts of awareness & greater intimacy from the infidelity but, no, I wouldn't want others to receive the same gifts in the same form (infidelity). It's too painful. The greater awareness part I understand. And yes, that is a gift. I too have a greater awareness, hence my name on LS. But greater intimacy? Hysterical bonding through sex isn't intimacy. Even if you do have true intimacy, then your H has learned a very valuable lesson, cheat and he can get you to behave in the way he wants into becoming his sex slave. If you have greater intimacy, then why does he get pissed when you don't have sex? Answer, because its about the sex for him, not intimacy. He just wants a warm place to put it and somewhere to ejaculate into. Sorry to put it that way, but that is the way I am seeing it by how you describe his attitude towards you after he is the one that cheated. Many cancer survivors say the same thing -- it was the greatest experience of their life because they now appreciate life so much more, but, having said that, they wouldn't want to go through the experience again or wish it upon anyone else. I am a cancer survivor, 15 years running. Had it in my 20's I saw absolutely no gifts other than a huge hospital bill. There IS the possibility of happiness after infidelity, and the past years of my marriage are proof of that. And even as anti-cheating as I am, I won't argue that isn't true. I think it is possible. But then again, so is winning the lottery. But by your description of things, it doesn't wound like your husband wants the marriage for the right reasons, and that would be that he wants you. If he was truly remorseful and wanted the marriage, then he wouldn't get pissed if he doesn't get sex on tap and wants you to just get over it. He wants you to give him what he wants, when he wants it, without any effort on his part to help you with the feeling you have, that he has caused. And no, simply ending the affair and giving you passwords doesn't cut it. He needs to realize he mentally abused you with his infidelity and that he is being a jerk. It took lots of work for us to heal. We are happy. It sure doesn't sound like it by your posts. When one spouse still struggles with the infidelity, and the other gets pissed when they don't get sex on a given day, then something is still very wrong. But you need to decide, are you really happy? Or is your H still acting like an entitled brat? That and the fact you said you look at him with contempt. Thats not happy. Believe me, I KNOW! I no longer have the luxury of assuming infidelity cannot happen again in my marriage. That's the price I pay for choosing to stay. Some are unwilling to pay that price. I understand and respect that. One decision isn't better than the other because all situations are different, even if the fact of infidelity is the same. My opinion, of course. I agree, one decision isn't better than the other. Its just how different people see things. But you have to decide if you want to stay with someone that is acting like a child because he doesn't get sex every time he wants it, and probably will use that as an excuse to go out and have another affair. Your H definitely seems the type, and he HAS proven himself untrustworthy already. I'd advise leaving such an entitlement, not caring about the feelings of his wife, husband. But you have to do what you feel you want to do. But again, your description of things is all too telling.
Breezy Trousers Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 NoFool4U, I won't bother quoting you because so little of what you wrote matches any of my experience. My marriage and my husband do not need to be defended, particularly in response to someone who has blatantly distorted what I wrote in this very thread. I hope your pain heals and you find peace.
nofool4u Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 BAH, my apologies Breezy. I forget who I was replying to in this thread. I got you and OP's posts mixed up. I took her feelings of contempt and added your statement that you and husband are happy and got confused. Sorry
nofool4u Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Back to OP. Don't let anyone put this on you. You are hurting and its understandable. He may have stopped the affair an gave passwords, but he is acting like the typical entitled cheater. He just wants you to get over it and gets pissed because you aren't having sex on demand for him. Don't let anyone who is on the other side of the fence as you make you think you should be the one to bust your ass when the cheater isn't remorseful.
Breezy Trousers Posted December 1, 2011 Posted December 1, 2011 BAH, my apologies Breezy. I forget who I was replying to in this thread. I got you and OP's posts mixed up. I took her feelings of contempt and added your statement that you and husband are happy and got confused. Sorry Hey, no worries, NoFool4U ... Thanks for explaining that .. Cheers!
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