Hurtingwith2 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 It has been a little over three months since I found out about my WH's afair. At first we seemed to be having "hysterical bonding" because my sex drive went crazy. It stopped suddenly when I ran into the OW, and now I have NO sex drive. Like none at all. Is this something that will pass? I really do want to try and work it out, we have two young kids and have been together 12 years... But I have no idea how to get past this?
seren Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Try dating again, don't expect to just bounce back with no setbacks. Your H needs to woo you all over again to help you to regain your confidence, I would imagine bumping into the OW has triggered you and despite the HB, has put you back to square one. It is natural to look at OW and compare, thing is, it is rarely about looks, or personality or love, if it were he wouldn't be with you. Once I understood that the A was more to do with what was missing in H than in us and had the guts of the A, then it helped. How to get it back? it will never be the same again, personally speaking, we don't take each other for granted, we make time to be intimate - not just sex, but the holding, cuddling, snogging stuff that can be overlooked in a long marriage or relationship, by both. It will take time, you are not long into reconciliation, it takes time and a lot of backward and forward steps. Try not to let it drift, talk to your H, let him know how and what you are feeling. if you can, get away for a weekend or night someplace. I think it's like rediscovering each other and remembering what the early days were like. HB cannot last forever, it is like being in a whirlwind. Talk to your H x
Spark1111 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 What Seren said.....but specifically, think hard about what caused the shut down. Why did seeing the OW shut down your libido? Had you not known or seen her before?
PhoenixRise Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 What Seren and Spark said... And take some time to focus exclusively on yourself. It can be a scary thing to do when you are afraid for the survival of your marriage but IMO it is absolutely necessary for your personal healing and for your marriage to survive your healing is not optional. Take some time to reconnect with who you are as a woman, beyond your role as a wife and mother. Take some time to just feel what you feel about the affair, about your husband, about the OW, about your life. Take some time to catch your breath and process this blow to your marriage. 3 months since dday is NO TIME. Are you and your husband seeing a MC to help process what happened to your marriage? Are you seeing an IC to help process what happened to you?
nofool4u Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 It has been a little over three months since I found out about my WH's afair. At first we seemed to be having "hysterical bonding" because my sex drive went crazy. It stopped suddenly when I ran into the OW, and now I have NO sex drive. Like none at all. Is this something that will pass? I really do want to try and work it out, we have two young kids and have been together 12 years... But I have no idea how to get past this? Thing is, no matter if you end up staying with him, you will always look at him with contempt from time to time, if not all the time. And that is understandable. So how do you get past it? I can only tell you for sure what worked for me. Because I was the same as you, a little short lived hysterical bonding, followed by me not being able to look at her face without seeing the big C word written across her forehead. So I divorced her, started dating again, and boom, got past it and wondered why I didn't dump her from the get go. I know divorce is probably a scary thought for you, just telling you how I got past it. In my opinion, and only time will tell for you, I don't believe you will ever TRULY get past it. I think you will wonder if there is a better life for you out there.
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 It has been a little over three months since I found out about my WH's afair. At first we seemed to be having "hysterical bonding" because my sex drive went crazy. It stopped suddenly when I ran into the OW, and now I have NO sex drive. Like none at all. Is this something that will pass? I really do want to try and work it out, we have two young kids and have been together 12 years... But I have no idea how to get past this? What is your husband doing to make you feel better, to regain your trust and faith again? Is the OW completely out of his life? No talking, no emails, no calls, no seeing eachother? Is he remorseful and does he own his selfish choice in cheating on you? Betraying you? What is he doing to make things right? 3 months isn't that long so I hope you two get to marriage counselling.. It'll help.
Breezy Trousers Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Thing is, no matter if you end up staying with him, you will always look at him with contempt from time to time, if not all the time. And that is understandable. So how do you get past it? I can only tell you for sure what worked for me. Because I was the same as you, a little short lived hysterical bonding, followed by me not being able to look at her face without seeing the big C word written across her forehead. My experience does NOT match NoFool4u's. I never look at DH with contempt. I feel insecure sometimes. I deal with it. We talk it out. I remember those days of hysterial bonding sex. Hysterical bonding sex is oddly similar to affair sex --- fear of abandonment tends to give body clutching, toe-curling, headboard-banging sex. Now you're in the work-of-real-relationship stage. It's so much harder for people who have been betrayed because the wounds are gaping and the feelings are tender. Be patient. You're early in the healing process. Healing takes time. It happens, but never on our time table. It's also not linear. It's the two-steps-forward, two-steps-back kind of thing. You can survive this. DH and I have a happy sex life. The sexual bond was restored but it took time, patience, trust and WORK. I do agree with other posters: What is your husband doing to repair things? My husband went into overdrive to show me he wanted our marriage. He still shows me that. I never stopped loving him -- even as I was walking out the door to protect myself -- so that helped too. Every situation is different. This deep wound will heal but it will always remain and must be continually navigated. That doesn't make it bad. It's just reality. If you love your spouse and value your marriage, you learn to manage it. Fact is, even if you move onto a new relationship, you will still have to deal with that wound. Better to manage it now, where you're at. The gifts infidelity has given me -- yes, gifts -- have been amazing. Having said that, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You're in my prayers, Hurtingwith2.
seren Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 Breezy hit the nail smack bang on the head. At 3 months out I couldn't imagine that 4 yrs later I would be in a better relationship with H than I was before. Mind pictures fade to be replaced with our own, HB gives way to intimacy and a new 'taking time to snuggle' relationship, the anger has gone to be replaced with, yes sadness and regret, but a realisation that we have weathered the biggest storm our marriage will encounter and know that we are both where we want to be. It isn't easy, some relationships don't recover, but , if you both really want it to work it can. The strengthened relationship means our marriage is stronger, battered, a few repaired cracks, but still strong. When it works, it really works. Takes time, lots of it, work, lots of it, truth always. My advice for anyone is never settle for easy just because it is easier, go for what you want, despite the journey needed to get there. Give it time, if it really isn't working, then discuss it and make plans to make the break as easy as possible and don't compromise your values for an easy life. HB while fantastic, would be wearing in the long term, the wooing and old fashioned romance comes after and for me, it is that, that is important, not the frantic Martini sex (anytime, anyplace anywhere), if you are having problems don't let it drift and become the norm, talk about it, say what you need to happen to change any situation you feel isn't working for you. Boundaries and what needs to change. I know that for some they cannot imagine that there can be a marriage or relationship after an A, for others, myself included, there can and the personal measure of that is my happiness and our marriage feeling strong again. I would also add, in my world another A would mean he was out, no question of that.
Author Hurtingwith2 Posted November 26, 2011 Author Posted November 26, 2011 Thanks for all the replies. I don't know what H is doing to make it better, really. He has stopped (supposedly) seeing her, given me all his passwords and phone etc, and checks in with me if he's out , all of that. He's more checked in to the relationship... But... he expects me to go back to the way things are, and gets annoyed when we aren't having sex.. As though none of it happened. I don't know why seeing the ow set me back, other than finding out details about stupid decisions he made that affected me, particularly when I was pregnant. Its just.. hard. We aren't doing mc. Our work is super strict with hours and we are stretched thin enough with the kids and no family. I was doing ic, but found it exhausting. What if I don't want him to woo me back? And yes, right now I definitely look at him with contempt.
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 (edited) The gifts infidelity has given me -- yes, gifts -- have been amazing. Having said that, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You wouldn't wish gifts on anyone? If you wouldn't wish it on anyone, then your H's infidelity isn't a gift in any way shape or form. And looking at it like that is to surrender to emotional blackmail, IMHO. If your M survived, thats great. If things are good, that is wonderful. I'm happy for you. But to say your H's infidelity gave you "gifts"? And I never feel that a M isn't salvageable after cheating, I just think its rare that it does, or should be salvaged. Depends on how remorseful and willing the cheater is to right their wrong. And even then, it better be a HUGE effort on their part. But I will always put it as I see it from, again IMHO, the viewpoint of the odds. Even when people stay married after cheating, I wouldn't exactly call it recovery, or that the marriage survived. Depends on the definition. I think too many that stay in a marriage after infidelity are miserable or at the very least never at peace being married to a cheater. Not all, but too many I believe. I don't call that surviving. Edited November 28, 2011 by nofool4u
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Thanks for all the replies. I don't know what H is doing to make it better, really. If you don't know, then he isn't doing enough. Simply ending the affair doesn't cut it. He has stopped (supposedly) seeing her, given me all his passwords and phone etc, and checks in with me if he's out , all of that. He's more checked in to the relationship... But... he expects me to go back to the way things are, and gets annoyed when we aren't having sex.. As though none of it happened. Yup, he wants you to simply get over it and doesn't want to suffer any consequences of his actions. Instead of getting annoyed at you, he needs to understand the mental cruelty he has put you through and understand that it will take time. What if I don't want him to woo me back? And yes, right now I definitely look at him with contempt. Then, based on my experiences, and that of most, you will always hold a little level of contempt for him if you stay. I'm not saying you will be fuming over it, but you might look at him from time to time and think, "liar", or "ahole" ". Its natural. When you have been betrayed in the way you have, especially now that he gets annoyed with you instead of being patient and understanding, how could you NOT have contempt for him? Having said that, it all depends on your husbands actions, and so far, they aren't the actions of a man willing to do whatever it takes to right his wrong and prove he wants to save the marriage. I think you need to sit him down and talk to him about his attitude of expecting you to just get over it, and put divorce on the table as an option. He needs to know how serious his efforts need to be and that you aren't going to just lay down and cowtow to his demands.
SBC Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Thanks for all the replies. I don't know what H is doing to make it better, really. He has stopped (supposedly) seeing her, given me all his passwords and phone etc, and checks in with me if he's out , all of that. He's more checked in to the relationship... But... he expects me to go back to the way things are, and gets annoyed when we aren't having sex.. As though none of it happened. I don't know why seeing the ow set me back, other than finding out details about stupid decisions he made that affected me, particularly when I was pregnant. Its just.. hard. We aren't doing mc. Our work is super strict with hours and we are stretched thin enough with the kids and no family. I was doing ic, but found it exhausting. What if I don't want him to woo me back? And yes, right now I definitely look at him with contempt. What are you doing to make it better? No sex, looking at him with contempt, not going to IC... I know it is hard, but a reconciliation takes both people. If you are not helping, you are hurting. So, you need to make a choice --put the past behind you and move forward with your husband as if none of it happened, or not. If not, time to move on. And maybe you need time to figure it out --ok, how long? Your H is probably wondering this very thing.
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 (edited) What are you doing to make it better? No sex, looking at him with contempt, not going to IC... She is suppose to want to have sex because of her feelings of betrayal? Sorry, her H doesn't get to demand sex and get pissed off when he doesn't get it after he royally f####d her over. He needs to give her time. You don't get to mentally abuse someone, then expect them to just get over it and give in to their desires. I know it is hard, but a reconciliation takes both people. Yes it does, but it has to start with the WS, and part of that is not expecting their victim to just get over it. If you are not helping, you are hurting. So, you need to make a choice --put the past behind you and move forward with your husband as if none of it happened, or not. So she is just suppose to throw her emotions aside and have sex with the jerk even when she doesn't feel like it? Wow, its good to be a cheater in this day and age. Screw someone over, expect them to get over it, and expect sex on tap, even though the person you expect it from is hurting from their actions. And maybe you need time to figure it out --ok, how long? Your H is probably wondering this very thing. Yes, he is probably wondering how long, like a spoiled little child from the sound of it. He doesn't want to suffer any consequences. He wants her to et over it and skate without having to take her feelings into consideration. All he cares about is that he gets sex when he wants it. The OP should just force herself to have sex with him out of fear he will get mad if she doesn't:rolleyes: Give me a break Ah, but I understand now that you are/were the OW. OP is hurting at the actions of her H and a woman like yourself. Now I understand why you wrote what you did. Edited November 28, 2011 by nofool4u
SBC Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 (edited) She is suppose to want to have sex because of her feelings of betrayal? Sorry, her H doesn't get to demand sex and get pissed off when he doesn't get it after he royally f####d her over. He needs to give her time. You don't get to mentally abuse someone, then expect them to just get over it and give in to their desires. Yes it does, but it has to start with the WS, and part of that is not expecting their victim to just get over it. So she is just suppose to throw her emotions aside and have sex with the jerk even when she doesn't feel like it? Wow, its good to be a cheater in this day and age. Screw someone over, expect them to get over it, and expect sex on tap, even though the person you expect it from is hurting from their actions. Yes, he is probably wondering how long, like a spoiled little child from the sound of it. He doesn't want to suffer any consequences. He wants her to et over it and skate without having to take her feelings into consideration. All he cares about is that he gets sex when he wants it. The OP should just force herself to have sex with him out of fear he will get mad if she doesn't:rolleyes: Give me a break Ah, but I understand now that you are/were the OW. OP is hurting at the actions of her H and a woman like yourself. Now I understand why you wrote what you did. I never said she should have sex with him even if she doesn't feel like it. Yuck. But if she doesn't feel like it now, will she ever? And if she doesn't, then she should move on or prepare for him to move on. And from her description, it sounds like her WH has tried to make attempts at reconciliation --giving the OW up, sharing emails and numbers, checking back into the relationship, etc. At some point, she has to give a little too, or this thing is going no where. Does she want it to go anywhere or not? Unlike you, I am not taking sides here. I don't care either way --I am just stating the obvious --both sides must accept the situation, choose what is best for them and act on it. If what the WH is doing is not enough for the OP, then she should stop complaining about it and move on. I don't understand what my being the OW has to do with anything I have said. and personal attacks for the sake of a personal attack is unbecoming. Edited November 28, 2011 by SBC
SBC Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Ah, but I understand now that you are/were the OW. OP is hurting at the actions of her H and a woman like yourself. Now I understand why you wrote what you did. Oh and have you ever wandered over to the OM/OW forum and read their pain there? And the so few MM and MW who post too --of their pain? suffering in this is not the sole domain of the BS.
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Oh and have you ever wandered over to the OM/OW forum and read their pain there? Why yes I have. But you can break them down into 2 categories. People that are the OM/OW and didn't know they were the OM/OW And those that knew from the get go. The ones that didn't know have all my sympathy. Those that did brought the pain on themselves and IMO is well deserved by helping to cause someone else pain. And the so few MM and MW who post too --of their pain? Sorry, but I could care less about their pain. They can at least get a divorce and set their victims free. Then they can deal with their pain as they wish without dragging someone else down with them.
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 I never said she should have sex with him even if she doesn't feel like it. Yuck. But if she doesn't feel like it now, will she ever? Nope, not IMO. That was the point I was making in my first post. And if she doesn't, then she should move on or prepare for him to move on. I agree. And from her description, it sounds like her WH has tried to make attempts at reconciliation --giving the OW up, sharing emails and numbers, checking back into the relationship, etc. Sorry, that doesn't cut it. That is doing what the BS wants thinking that is all they have to do. Thats not an attempt at reconciliation, that is the bare minimum that a WS should do because they got caught. Reconciliation takes more than ending the affair and electronic disclosure. At some point, she has to give a little too, or this thing is going no where. Does she want it to go anywhere or not? Again, simply ending the affair, giving up account passwords isn't giving anything. Its what is expected as the first step. THEN the WS needs to show they did so because they wanted to, not get pissed when the BS is hurting and not feeling like sex. Unlike you, I am not taking sides here. I don't care either way --I am just stating the obvious Nothing obvious about it when H treats her like she just needs to get over it. --both sides must accept the situation, choose what is best for them and act on it. If what the WH is doing is not enough for the OP, then she should stop complaining about it and move on. And there you go, dismissing her pain as complaining. I don't understand what my being the OW has to do with anything I have said. Defense of the MM, even when its obvious he just wants her to get over it. Too many OW/OM, and cheaters, come to the Infidelity section to dismiss the BS pain of being cheated on.
SBC Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Your advice is a recipe to keep the OP in misery. You are advocating that she be allowed to wallow in her pain and then drag it out. All I am saying is, recognize and accept the situation as it is --And then decide if you can live with it or not. If the damage done was too great, or is continuing, then move on. If not, then accept that what happened is in the past, and go forward from there. I am not dismissing her pain at all. NOT AT ALL. I know it is very real. But, no one can change the fact that she got hurt, all I can do is offer hope and a direction toward healing -- and staying in a situation all the while wishing it were different is not it. See it for what it is, not for what you want it to be.
SBC Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Sorry, that doesn't cut it. That is doing what the BS wants thinking that is all they have to do. Thats not an attempt at reconciliation, that is the bare minimum that a WS should do because they got caught. Reconciliation takes more than ending the affair and electronic disclosure. Again, simply ending the affair, giving up account passwords isn't giving anything. Its what is expected as the first step. THEN the WS needs to show they did so because they wanted to, not get pissed when the BS is hurting and not feeling like sex.. examples, please.
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Your advice is a recipe to keep the OP in misery. My advice always will be to get rid of the source of the BS's pain, which is to get rid of the cheater. You are advocating that she be allowed to wallow in her pain and then drag it out. And just where did I say that? She asked how we thought she'd feel. I never told her to stay with him and be miserable. I told her that it is my opinion that IF she stays, she won't ever look at him the same. Therefore, IMO, no good will come of staying with such a person. I am not dismissing her pain at all. NOT AT ALL. When you take someone's pain and call it "complaining", yes, you are.
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 examples, please. Examples of what? Just stopping the affair, and giving up passwords, void of any remorse or understanding of the pain a cheater has caused is not the road to reconciliation. She stated he stopped the affair, gave up passwords, but isn't showing anything in the way of emotionally wanting to save the marriage.
SBC Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Sorry, but I could care less about their pain. They can at least get a divorce and set their victims free. Then they can deal with their pain as they wish without dragging someone else down with them. This is junk too. If they *did* divorce, anyone would that would complain about them staying and cheating would also complain about being *abandoned* by them. What they want is for everyone to continue on as if it weren't broken, when it is indeed already broken --otherwise there would be no cheating, or leaving.
SBC Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Examples of what? Just stopping the affair, and giving up passwords, void of any remorse or understanding of the pain a cheater has caused is not the road to reconciliation. She stated he stopped the affair, gave up passwords, but isn't showing anything in the way of emotionally wanting to save the marriage. How do you know he is not? OP said he had checked back into the marriage. If that is not enough for you, then give me concrete examples that would explain what you are suggesting that the OP should be looking for from her WS to *prove* he is truly attempting reconciliation please.
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 This is junk too. If they *did* divorce, anyone would that would complain about them staying and cheating would also complain about being *abandoned* by them. Nice try. Absolutely not. I have even told those that have cheated who said they left that at least they set their BS free from them. I don't see a cheater leaving the M as abandoning their spouse. I see it as setting them free. No junk here. What they want is for everyone to continue on as if it weren't broken, when it is indeed already broken --otherwise there would be no cheating, or leaving. You obviously haven't read much of what alot write here. I don't see anyone, except for the cheaters, wanting people to stay and pretend that everything is ok.
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 How do you know he is not? OP said he had checked back into the marriage. If that is not enough for you, then give me concrete examples that would explain what you are suggesting that the OP should be looking for from her WS to *prove* he is truly attempting reconciliation please. Read the bolded parts. I don't know what H is doing to make it better, really. He has stopped (supposedly) seeing her, given me all his passwords and phone etc, and checks in with me if he's out , all of that. He's more checked in to the relationship... But... he expects me to go back to the way things are, and gets annoyed when we aren't having sex.. As though none of it happened. He is checked into the marriage, but nowhere does anything she has written indicates that he is checked in emotionally, or at the very least wants to help her with her pain. He just wants her to get over it. And you say its not enough for me, but if you could read, you'd see its not enough for her, and for obvious reasons. He wants it to be just dropped. He doesn't want to right his wrong, just wants her to drop it as if it didn't happen. Sure, that works for him if she could do it, doesn't do much for her. Here endeth the lesson.
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