I'd like my ex back..

[AwptiK]

Alright, well here's my story.

 

I really appreciate any and all advice. I know there's a lot of flags in who I chose to go after, but this girl's been worth everything.

 

I'm 20 and I was on and off with a coworker, 22, who's also a single mother of a two year old, for the past 5-6 months. The main story lies in the past 3.

 

We've been together, minus three speedbumps:

 

I won't really go into detail, to save space and reading, but the first two were due to us agreeing to go slowly, because of her past and her situation as a single mother. The first time she wanted to slow down and I overanalyzed things and we ended up stepping back too. The second time I was a pushy ******* who was exclusively dating this girl, but was too insecure to go without the titles. After the second time, she flat out stated she was done. In a few weeks time, things seemed to be developing again and I called her one day and said I missed her, apologized for how I was and stated i'm much more chill about the things in my life. Instantly, things turned back around.

 

 

Then the final bump, two Saturday's ago, we hadn't talked all day. This isn't a big issue normally with her busy life, but following two days of constant talking, this was on my mind a lot. That night, I made myself more upset through having a few drinks with my friends. I tried to call her around 1am, 3 times I believe. She never answered. When I woke up I called and left a message apologizing for calling, before I knew i'd done anything more than that. She texted me later in the day to say she was extremely mad about last night. I apparently woke up her son, who was awake until 6am. All day Sunday, he kept trying to fall asleep on her and she was unable to do anything the entire day. I do find the incident pretty petty for what ended up happening.

 

I sent an apology via text. The following Tuesday we worked together. At that time she stated that she forgives me, but "as far as going back to things being how they were, that's a no." She followed that up with, "I've given you three chances already." The rest of the work day was rough, to say the least.

 

Thursday, she texts me to ask if I still have my iPad I mentioned selling. I said "Sold it. Sorry. Please don't text me again for a while...I love you and I am pretty upset with myself for what happened. I did so much for the past three months to have it taken away so quickly."

 

Saturday, I go in to work and there's a note on the desk, stating what to do, but it's headed with, "Since you're not talking to me". I sat in the office and when she came in, I asked about it and she said "You haven't spoken to me." She left shortly after, we didn't talk again.

 

Sunday, yesterday, I was the one who opened and she was coming in to close. When she came in the office I said "How's it going" and we talked for a good 5-6 minutes. As I was leaving, I said, "I'm sorry for not talking to you, I just needed some time and space. I'm alright now." She responded, "It's cool, you have all the time and space you need."

 

She texted shortly after I left asking about switching days on the schedule, then called me later on to ask a work-related question.

 

--------------------------------------------

Where do I go from here?

 

I know all I can do right now is to be myself and hope she misses me, but i'm trying somewhat to determine the level of hope for the situation.

 

Through all those speedbumps, we have always continued to talk normally at work and she has always come around and continued to have feelings for me. Each time though, except for this one, there was some space on both our parts before we resumed talking normally at work. She was definitely not alright with not being talked to, since she "called me out" with her note.

 

I know the things through conversing that attract her and i'm fairly good at doing them to her, as the past shows.. This is why i'm confused as to her current mindset though.

 

For example, one of the main things that lures her in is teasing. Everyone likes to be teased, but i've gotten very good at teasing her through conversation with the perfect amount of sarcasm. Her response is always a half smile-half smirk.

 

So, back to the second speedbump, after we resumed talking, she wouldn't respond to being teased. She'd become distant to the conversation, talk about something else, etc. It took a lot of time before she came around to responding well.

 

But even Sunday in our short conversation, I teased her and she responded really well. So I don't have a gauge on where things stand.

 

It's almost like she still wants things, but she wants a little time away. She simply can't be totally moved on and away from her feelings that quickly. It was a petty incident and in time I like to think she won't remember that much.

 

 

She was as invested as I was with her feelings. After the first speedbump she's the one who opened things up again, stating she missed me and it was "hard to go from talking so much to only seeing me at work a few times a week". And as things were this time prior to last Saturday night, she was the one always wanting to talk, always texting first, she was the "pushy" one persay and I enjoyed it.

 

 

Alright, i'm done typing before I go into more sentences. Bottom line, I don't see how we can go straight into this talking-friendship at the level it's at now, without her having feelings and wanting more again.

 

 

One edit, I also just remembered the night of the breakup, we talked a little afterwards about everything and she said something along the lines of "You can still talk to me if you want, if not that's fine." Yet, she didn't truly agree with her statement after I said I didn't want her to text me for a while, lol.

Edited November 21, 2011 by AwptiK

[AwptiK]

130 Views and no insight? At least 20 of those had to read the entire book haha.

 

 

Since writing this I have realized and come to agree with that quote: "If you love her, let her go. If she comes back - she's yours"

 

She did come back last time after all. I don't think she will this time though, but there's nothing I can do aside from being myself when we see each other and hope she misses me.

[ChelseaLS]

130 Views and no insight? At least 20 of those had to read the entire book haha.

 

 

Since writing this I have realized and come to agree with that quote: "If you love her, let her go. If she comes back - she's yours"

 

She did come back last time after all. I don't think she will this time though, but there's nothing I can do aside from being myself when we see each other and hope she misses me.

 

 

It's a very common theme here... space, time and more space... and more time.

I too work with my ex. We lived together for 4.5 years and then we split up. At work I keep it LC, business only if possible. Throw my shoulders back and smile.. be confident. I have never broken NC... er LC in my case, he always has. Reached out to be a good 4 times in 6.5 weeks.

 

I am wondering if her reaction wasn't a knee jerk angry move. I don't really understand how she is so upset with you, after the break up for not talking to her when she was the one who intiated it.

 

My advise.. space, time, patients. No I highly doubt she has no more feelings for you. No one drops feelings that fast.

[AwptiK]

Thanks for the reply! We DO have to talk at work, about whatever is going on work-wise. I don't know how LC I should be though.

 

From knowing her for half a year, she's an "accepting" person, she'd choose to go along with me not talking to her, before she'd attempt to make anything happen herself, despite however she may feel personally.

 

 

A little news: A coworker talked to her about things today, I was simply told that my ex basically said (AGAIN), that she wants to be friends and talk to me, but "he hasn't talked to me." She already told the same coworker on Friday, in response to my text, that "I was going to talk to him at work." Makes me think she just expects me to text her? I haven't seen her since Sunday, so that's the only form of contact there could be.... I just have a huge inability to do that, I can't text her as a friend should, because I look at her as much more.

 

 

I guess if she does expect that, normal conversation at work is still LC. As I said before though, it's hard to determine how LC I want to be. With my feelings, of course I want to talk and make good use of the time I do see her, but I don't want to do too much or too little.

 

 

-I feel like all of this is her responding to the lack of attention i'm giving her now. I know she loved that and i'm sure she misses it now.

-I'm sure she still has feelings, or she wouldn't make this big a deal over talking as friends.

-I understand the whole concept of "chasing" and wanting what you can't have, but can I change her mindset at all from wanting attention from a friend, to from the fact she still has feelings for me?

 

I'll see her Friday, which will be a rare day we don't have to talk, because she's opening with our manager - whom i'll have to talk to instead. Right now I intend to say "Hey how's it going", if I see her, and if she starts a conversation i'll stay around for a minute and talk to her. Otherwise, i'm not going to seek her out for a conversation.

[BCCA]

I'm going to break it down for you...

 

People dont want 'space' or 'time away' from people they see as a long term partner. They dont need to just be friends and take it slow when theyve found someone they really like. It sounds to me like she isnt really interested romantically, but its an awkward situation for her, working together and such, and she's trying to get out of this relationship without there being a huge blowout or having to feel guilty. Trust me, Ive seen it time and time again, guys mistake a womans guilt for there being 'something still there', when the reality is the girl just doesnt want to feel like a cold hearted bitch that broke some dudes heart.

 

-I feel like all of this is her responding to the lack of attention i'm giving her now. I know she loved that and i'm sure she misses it now.

 

I feel like youre reaching for whatever you can grab. I think she is more concerned about you not hating her (again, she feels guilty). She might miss having someone who cared about her around, but she seems to have decided that she would be better off going in another direction.

 

-I'm sure she still has feelings, or she wouldn't make this big a deal over talking as friends.

 

Do yourself a favor, accept that you dont know what she is thinking. You arent 'sure' of anything that goes on in her head.

 

Being friends is how women get over a relationship without feeling guilty. If youre her friend, that tells her that her breaking your heart wasnt that bad of a thing to do, and she isnt a mean person because of it. It also allows her to move on with a safety net, since if she meets someone else and he turns out to be a douche, she can always call you for an ego boost.

 

NO ONE wants to just be friends with someone they have a romantic interest in, thats not it at all.

 

-I understand the whole concept of "chasing" and wanting what you can't have, but can I change her mindset at all from wanting attention from a friend, to from the fact she still has feelings for me?

 

She doesnt have 'those' feelings for you, Im sorry to say. You ever hear the saying 'friend zoned'? There are feelings you have for friends and feelings you have for a lover, and theyre very different. She doesnt see you as a romantic partner, she sees you as though you were a brother or close friend, which is not where you want to be. NOTHING you do can change anything, it is what it is. Again, youre assuming you know things that you just dont, like that she still has romantic feelings for you. If she did, you wouldnt be posting on this site and looking for any sign of hope you can find.

 

I dont mean to sound like an ass, but Ive been here a while, and Ive seen tons of stories like this, and theyre all the same. Everyone wants to think that their own situation is different, and that one day, a girl who you had THREE break ups with on top of this latest one is going to suddenly decide she wants to marry you, but thats unrealistic. People just dont dump people they want to spend their life with, Im sorry. Taking it slow and just being friends or whatever is her way of trying to tell you she isnt interested romantically without sounding too harsh. Women are indirect, its just how they are, you have to read between the lines. Right now, youre just assuming things that make you feel better, and hoping that against all odds this will somehow work. Basically, youre expecting a 100 yard hail mary TD with 0:01 left at the end of the game. Its not likely, catch my drift?

[AwptiK]

Thanks, I appreciate the bluntness.

 

I'll take your advice and move along.

 

There is one correction i'll make though. She doesn't want space or time apart. I'm the one who wanted that at first. She's making a reasonably large deal out of me not talking to her. She wrote that line about not talking to her, on the note in the office, because she knew i'd respond to it.

 

 

I'm not saying you're wrong in the big picture, everything you've said fits with my situation and i'm not going to think about things anymore or grasp at straws.

 

I will guess, not assume, that her making a big deal out of not talking at all, has to do with her guilt? Fits with: "If youre her friend, that tells her that her breaking your heart wasnt that bad of a thing to do, and she isnt a mean person because of it."

 

 

So what do I do from here? Honestly, I don't have the capacity to be her friend for a while. Thankfully she leaves our work after December, so i'll just avoid any non-work related conversation between now and then.

 

Thanks BCCA.

[BCCA]

There is one correction i'll make though. She doesn't want space or time apart. I'm the one who wanted that at first. She's making a reasonably large deal out of me not talking to her. She wrote that line about not talking to her, on the note in the office, because she knew i'd respond to it.

 

I'll take a guess that youre the one who wanted space after she wanted to just be friends? If so, I see where youre coming from, but I think youre doing it for the wrong reason. There is no magic formula to make her change her mind, and in fact, its unlikely she ever would. If Im wrong, than Im rambling on about nonsense here, but always remember that your wants and needs come FIRST, so if she isnt giving you what you want/need, shes a waste of time - bottom line.

 

So what do I do from here? Honestly, I don't have the capacity to be her friend for a while.

 

The truth of the matter is that she really doesnt want to be your friend, she just doesnt want you to be upset at her, which would make her feel guilty. Ask yourself this, if she started dating another guy tomorrow, how important do you think her 'friendship' with you would be? Not very.

 

What you do is treat her like a stranger off the street, talk to her when/if you have to, and be as brief as possible. She doesnt need to know what goes on with you any more, its none of her business. At the same time, being rude and bitter doesnt do anyone any good, so just try and be brief but somewhat pleasant, never ask her whats going on with her (you really cant handle it, to be honest) and always act like you have more important things to do (which, eventually you will, but fake it till you make it).

[Ninjainpajamas]

My assessment is she is just trying to play the hot and cold game with you but she clearly wants you to chase and put in the effort. She just doesn't want to roll over and let you back into her life without you having to make an effort.

 

Both of you sound like you're playing immature like, which is ok you are still young. i know this is harsh of me to say but honestly I don't think it's wise for you at your age to be involved with a single mother, they tend to have a lot of baggage and the raising of a child is no easy task, she is reminded of her ex on the daily and likely still very hurt, insecure and bitter over a lot of things in her life.

 

I would try and act as a gentlemen and just try and handle things maturely and cancel out the bull****, be straight up and honest and if you feel she's playing a game with you she probably is...flirtation and teasing is fun thing to do but I wouldn't bite too hard on it and disregard it for the most part If I were you. I would just be respectful and try to go on with my life at work, even though I'd expect her to cause some drama, just try and do the right thing then at least you know you did your part.

 

Otherwise I'd try dating someone new.

[AwptiK]

Thanks for your input. At this point i'm really not doing anything either way.

 

Not that I can do anything, I haven't seen her since last Sunday. According to the work schedule, I won't see her again until next Saturday. Two weeks will be the longest we've ever gone without seeing each other. Perhaps she'll miss me a bit in that amount of time. In the meantime, I haven't attempted any conversation via other resources. We did exchange Happy Thanksgiving's, via text on Thursday though.

 

 

I do feel you're right in her wanting me to work for her. She's definitely been that way in the past, but right now I feel like this is IT, as far as anything is concerned.

 

I simply plan to just go on with my life at work. If she misses me, she'll make it obvious.