sickofmyself Posted May 25, 2004 Posted May 25, 2004 Hi All, Well, I have been in a serious live-in relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. He is very much in love with me, or so he says. I never really believe that, although he has given me no reason not to. He is very sweet and caring towards me, but for some reason I just don't feel it. Perhaps it is because I can't get him to talk to me, really open up about himself (he had a crazy-sad childhood), or maybe it is me. I just don't feel that connection. I don't think I'm in love with him, but I'm at a loss at how to break this up-- our little apartment with the cats and houseplants and discussions about the future-- I feel like I'm in too deep to end it. I met him about 6 months after getting my heart broken by my first love. The first time I met my current boyfriend, let's call him Joe (such a friendly and harmless name, plus easy to remember) I thought, that is the man I am going to marry. The thing is, I had the realization with no excitement or anticipation, just the way a person accepts any mundane fact, like "it will be overcast today." Well, now Joe and I are going to be engaged, just like I always knew, and I have that same "whatever" feeling that I always did. I fantasize that he will do something horrible, cheat on me or beat me up, anything to give me a good excuse to leave and feel justified. Lately it seems like something inside of me has dried up and shriveled away, and I often just feel cold and empty towards him, even hateful. I'm not the person he deserves, but when I try to explain this he only says "I will never leave you, so if this ends, it will have to be you." I have tried to broach the topic of a trial separation, but his face takes on such a shattered look that I stumble over my words then take them back, I lose my nerve, and in spite of how empty I sometimes feel about us I don't want to hurt him. The thing is, my behavior is getting more and more bizarre as the relationship progresses. I set traps for him to test him, do stupid and sometimes dangerous things to see if he really loves me (if he did would I stay?). I go for walks at midnight in a bad neighborhood (Does he love me enough to be at home, pacing and biting his nails, wondering if I'm OK?), or go hiking and walk way too close to the edge of a cliff (Does he love me enough to pull me closer, maybe switch sides so he's on the dangerous side). I even once even "tripped" and fell in a river (albiet a small one. Maybe more like a large stream) to see if he would come "save me" (I'm actually an excellent swimmer...). When he fails I take it as proof that he doesn't love me, and when he "passes" it still isn't good enough. I don't know what advice anyone could give (other then the obvious suggestion to perhaps check out some of the local psych wards in the neighborhood, see if their is anything I like....), but writing has always felt good, and diaries are slightly disappointing because nobody gets to read them but you (by you I mean me, of course), with the exception of famous people and serial killers, neither of which I am likely or hopeful to be. So, here is the therapy for all the tormented, non-insured, minimum-wage earners out there. I salute you! And request your advice, input, opinion, or perhaps just irritation at my long and rambling post. J.
hurtingandconfused Posted May 25, 2004 Posted May 25, 2004 Okay so you don't think he loves you. Hrmmm If you do not love him stop wasting his time . Break up with him already and give him his closure.
look forward Posted May 25, 2004 Posted May 25, 2004 stop torturing yourself its not fair on you or him.. you cant keep doing these silly tests it always ends the same you don't love this guy enough to spend the rest of your life with him.... it doesn't make you a bad person that's just life.. be strong and tell him its over so that he can find someone who does want to be with him make him happy... the longer you leave it the harder it will be...it wont be easy either but its what you will have to do Good luck
bluechocolate Posted May 25, 2004 Posted May 25, 2004 I feel like I'm in too deep to end it. What are you waiting for then? Mortgage? Children? The longer you stay the deeper it's gonna get. You're doing him a great disservice by letting him stay in this relationship that you don't want. Testing him & playing games is silly & childish. You can't be responsible for his feelings but you should be responsible for your own & do the right thing. You know what that is.
chachagirl Posted May 25, 2004 Posted May 25, 2004 You are not a bad person - you know what you are doing is wrong for both you, and your soon to be ex. I know it's expensive to get therapy, but maybe you can get a book on why you feel this way - but in the meantime, don't kill yourself trying to see if he loves you, when you really don't love him...good luck
Sunflower2179 Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 Originally posted by sickofmyself Hi All, Well, I have been in a serious live-in relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. He is very much in love with me, or so he says. I never really believe that, although he has given me no reason not to. He is very sweet and caring towards me, but for some reason I just don't feel it. Perhaps it is because I can't get him to talk to me, really open up about himself (he had a crazy-sad childhood), or maybe it is me. I just don't feel that connection. I don't think I'm in love with him, but I'm at a loss at how to break this up-- our little apartment with the cats and houseplants and discussions about the future-- I feel like I'm in too deep to end it. I understand how you are feeling about being in too deep to end it. That is how I am feeling with my current live in boyfriend, also. I know he isn't the one I'm going to marry. Plus, I'm tired of being the one that does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He said once I got a full time job he would help with the "chores", I'm still waiting. But once we moved in together he stopped (within 2 weeks) telling me that he loves me. He never says it, & most of the time I don't feel it. The only time he hugs, touches, & etc, is when he wants sex. Which he doesn't get often, once a month if that. Yet, I don't leave. I'm not scared to be single. I just know I'll feel guilty about leaving, because I know 1. I'll hurt him; & 2. He can't afford to live alone in the apartment. In a way I am waiting to have a big fight and use that as an excuse to leave. I know it's selfish and a cop out. I guess I don't want to be the bad guy. The lease is up in 2 months on the apartment, I'm leaving then. Originally posted by bluechocolate You can't be responsible for his feelings but you should be responsible for your own & do the right thing. You know what that is. I like what you said there; it makes me think and want to be responsible for my own feelings. Thanks!
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