dave78 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Hi, After almost a year of being together my girlfriend broke up with me. The main reasons was that she thought the relationship was very one-sided. She was the one giving and I wasn't giving much back. When we fought I always had to be right and get the last word. I was miserable at work and negative at this time, never really giving her any space to feel down and comforted. She says she always had to be happy when seeing me, that I drained her of energy. I also had some jealousy issues that weren't called for. Basically she feels that she did everything she possibly could to adapt to me and to make things work. Eventually she had enough and broke up with me. In hindsight I feel that most of this is true. She is a bit demandning, but I've come to realize a thing or two about myself. I was very egoistic and took her so much for granted. It was a very passionate relationship. We always had great sex, the best I ever had, but when we fought it was also the biggest battles. When we were happy it couldn't be better, but fights and sadness always loomed around the corner. For several months now I've been trying to get her back. By analyzing myself and my actions (on her request), doing everything I possibly can to make her believe I can be better. Telling her that the breakup really made me realize that I love her. Slowly she has accepted me back in her life again and I've stayed at her place quite a few times the last month. We also slept together a few times, but mostly it's been just sleeping. Sleeping is actually the best time as we both can relax and don't risk another fight. She's still angry. Mostly because she doesn't dare to trust that I can be this good guy that I am telling her I am. I on the other hand have become very submissive. I do everything for her, agree with her, say that I am sorry to everything - to the extent that it becomes pathetic and she doesn't like that either. A few months of self-analyzing and believing that everything I did was wrong has made me into a somewhat scared, self-loather that feels that he screwed up a great thing. And now to my question. A few weeks after I first met her a year ago, I briefly dated another woman. Me and my ex-girlfriend hadn't said that we were a couple yet at this time, but still, this thing is gnawing on me. It was great from the start when I met my ex-girlfriend, amazing passion, but I still had a previous relationship behind me and didn't want to run into something new. So the "old me" wouldn't necessarily think I did a bad thing by seeing this other woman. But when I look back I believe that my ex-girlfriend probably felt we had something serious going on earlier than I did. And the "new me" feels lousy about this as well. To the extent that I want to tell her about it. It feels like I've cheated on her although we weren't officially together at the time. And this at a time when after several months of trying to get her back I've finally managed to come to the point where I believe it might actually happen. Am I just being self-destructive, overly dramatic, just wanting to clear my conscience (again egoistic), or what? Should I tell her about this ? I just want us to begin a new potential relationship with a clean slate. I don't know how she will react if I do. I'm afraid however that she might just end whatever we managed to build up again.
chados Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Hi, After almost a year of being together my girlfriend broke up with me. The main reasons was that she thought the relationship was very one-sided. She was the one giving and I wasn't giving much back. When we fought I always had to be right and get the last word. I was miserable at work and negative at this time, never really giving her any space to feel down and comforted. She says she always had to be happy when seeing me, that I drained her of energy. I also had some jealousy issues that weren't called for. Basically she feels that she did everything she possibly could to adapt to me and to make things work. Eventually she had enough and broke up with me. In hindsight I feel that most of this is true. She is a bit demandning, but I've come to realize a thing or two about myself. I was very egoistic and took her so much for granted. It was a very passionate relationship. We always had great sex, the best I ever had, but when we fought it was also the biggest battles. When we were happy it couldn't be better, but fights and sadness always loomed around the corner. For several months now I've been trying to get her back. By analyzing myself and my actions (on her request), doing everything I possibly can to make her believe I can be better. Telling her that the breakup really made me realize that I love her. Slowly she has accepted me back in her life again and I've stayed at her place quite a few times the last month. We also slept together a few times, but mostly it's been just sleeping. Sleeping is actually the best time as we both can relax and don't risk another fight. She's still angry. Mostly because she doesn't dare to trust that I can be this good guy that I am telling her I am. I on the other hand have become very submissive. I do everything for her, agree with her, say that I am sorry to everything - to the extent that it becomes pathetic and she doesn't like that either. A few months of self-analyzing and believing that everything I did was wrong has made me into a somewhat scared, self-loather that feels that he screwed up a great thing. And now to my question. A few weeks after I first met her a year ago, I briefly dated another woman. Me and my ex-girlfriend hadn't said that we were a couple yet at this time, but still, this thing is gnawing on me. It was great from the start when I met my ex-girlfriend, amazing passion, but I still had a previous relationship behind me and didn't want to run into something new. So the "old me" wouldn't necessarily think I did a bad thing by seeing this other woman. But when I look back I believe that my ex-girlfriend probably felt we had something serious going on earlier than I did. And the "new me" feels lousy about this as well. To the extent that I want to tell her about it. It feels like I've cheated on her although we weren't officially together at the time. And this at a time when after several months of trying to get her back I've finally managed to come to the point where I believe it might actually happen. Am I just being self-destructive, overly dramatic, just wanting to clear my conscience (again egoistic), or what? Should I tell her about this ? I just want us to begin a new potential relationship with a clean slate. I don't know how she will react if I do. I'm afraid however that she might just end whatever we managed to build up again. i kinda see myself here. this happens all the time, don't ever beg her to forgive you and tell her that you can change. and when she dumps you this is critical mistakes. she wants you out of her life in that point. and you have to accept it. tell her you accept it. then move on, dont contact her if she isn't the one initiating contact. and improve yourself. think of the problems in your relationship and think about how to solve them. dont just say it. prove it. you dont wanna say, "look i have changed", she has to see for herself. i would tell her. i know why things got messed up, and i do understand why we broke up. then leave it to her.
othersideofthepillow Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 i was in your same situation when i was with my now ex-girlfriend last year. we were starting to talk and get to know each other and i had another woman propose that we hook up. now i took the other road and decided not to do it. even though i didnt do it, i know how you feel. now....think about it this way - when she broke up with you EVERYTHING from that current relationship was OVER...INCLUDING the thing with this other woman (and even tech you guys were not yet a item i understand your conscious dilemma) so let that die along with your old relationship. If you have a serious chance to be together, than leave the past were it is - the past. im sure that you 2 aren't gonna talk about who you were with since the split since you got together so it's best to not even think about it anymore. for all you know she could have been doing the same thing when you first starting getting to know each other as well. worry about the future you to may have and go from there...hopefully you guys get another chance!
ChelseaLS Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 In all honesty I think it's best not to say anything. You guys were not together so really you have nothing to feel guilty about. Othersideofthepillow is right, she could have been doing the same thing... and neither one of you did anything wrong. I was reading a self help book and they mention telling your partner too much. In this case I think its too much... as in it happened before you two were together. I don't condone lying and secrecy, but honestly this has nothing to do with the time you two shared together. It will just start fights over something that happened before you guys dated. I do feel you need to set boundaries and not become so submissive to her. I realize she is angry and looking for you to change, but you can't give up who you are and morals. Keep us posted on the reconciliation Good Luck.
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