colombiana28 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 You've got this guy. Mid-twenties. Super nice, charming, makes friends with everyone. Has some issues with alcohol, drugs, and theft - basically this guy's got a record, but he's a physical specimen and is in a band, so as you know, it doesn't matter, he could get any woman he wants. Dated the same girl for 6 years. Finally, he breaks up with her, saying she's too clingy and controlling. The girl doesn't give up. She knows this is the most spectacular guy she could ever land, criminal record notwithstanding. She tells him that she still believes in them and will never give up on their love. She's gonna marry this guy. She pines away for a year, obsessively monitoring his Facebook, texting him, searching for little clues that he's coming around. He doesn't want to be tied down to her, but he loves the fact that she's still obsessed with him. Her friends (semi his friends) push him to get back together with the woman who loves him more than anything. She has made it known to everyone that she will eventually marry this man, whenever he's ready. So whenever "Gabe and Anna" are mentioned, it's kind of implied that they've always been together and will always be together, despite her having much stronger feelings for him. Meanwhile the guy is enjoying single life, dating multiple women (including the ex...I mean, she drops EVERYTHING to become available for him, anytime, so why wouldn't he?). He's having his cake and eating it too. If he's lonely some night, he can just call up his ex, who will come running to console him. Meanwhile he's telling other people that his ex is crazy, that he broke up with her several times but got back with her because she's relentless, that he'll have to leave the country to eventually get away from her, blah blah. He says the more he thinks about it, the more he doesn't want marriage and kids. Fast forward five months. After being rejected a couple times, the guy realizes that this chick is seriously the one he needs to be with. They're familiar with each other, they like each others' families, they have the same hobbies and interests. He feels safe with her, loved. So they get back together. A couple months after being back together, the guy gets drunk and makes out with someone else. The girlfriend finds out. She's super pissed and hurt, and tells the dude that if he really wants to be with her, he needs to act like it. Suddenly, he's the world's perfect boyfriend. Leaving gushy messages (public, of course!) on Facebook, acting like the Casanova he was in the beginning of the relationship. Being outrageously thoughtful, going out of his way to cater to her every whim. She is obviously loving every second - her dream man is finally the perfect boyfriend again. She's telling her friends that she can't believe how far he's come, he's really turned the corner, etc. He's been supercommitted a solid 4 months. Question: How likely is it that this relationship will last? Is it typical for a guy to commit to someone he's dumped multiple times in the past?
Yookie Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Since both parties seem tp thrive off of drama, this situation could drag on indefinitely in cycles... On again.... Off again... And so on. The guy will always have one foot out the door since he is only with the current girl out of convenience.
dasein Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 The best predictor of human behavior is past behavior, so the likelihood of him changing tune and becoming a good relationship partner for this girl is slim. But couple questions, you say he is a guy who has it all and has had some criminal issues. Are these "youthful devil may care" type criminal things? or "pattern of criminal behavior" type things. If pattern of criminal behavior, the chances of him committing to this girl until he hits rock bottom are slim, but then if and when he does, she has a real winner of a specimen, a guy who has trashed his life and is looking for someone to lean on. Just like women who "have had my fun" make crappy relationship partners, this type of man does also. Finally, is she on par with him? You say he is very good looking, talented, charismatic, has his choice of many women. Is she the same? If she is lesser, then no, he's not going to come around unless he's stupid, why should he? If she is actually better situated in the dating pool than he is, then maybe he could come around. Somehow I feel this is one of those "why won't the top 5% FWB settle down with someone who is not top 5%?" issue seen so much here.
Taramere Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Question: How likely is it that this relationship will last? Is it typical for a guy to commit to someone he's dumped multiple times in the past? It's a mess. You're not the girl, are you? From what you outline he doesn't think she's good enough for him. To not be considered good enough by a guy who has substance abuse issues and a criminal record is hardly a position from which healthy self esteem will flourish. If it is you, then maybe you should read up on co-dependence.
shayla Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Ugh free yourself from foolishness and nonsense! This "relationship" is a doggone train wreck! I don't think that men ever have the upper hand in a relationship unless a weak willed, low self esteem woman gives him the upper hand. Take my opinion for what it's worth. Anyway, this man will not change because he sees that he doesn't have to in order to get whatever he wants. She only thinks he is spectacular, ugh, even I can see that he is not. But as long as she believes this, the longer he can use her.
norajane Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Question: How likely is it that this relationship will last? Is it typical for a guy to commit to someone he's dumped multiple times in the past? Well, maybe until he ends up in jail. Or for as long as she keeps taking him back after he runs off to other women for a while, or cheats on her. No, if a guy dumps you multiple times, he's obviously not in it for the long haul. He just likes coming back for the validation the girl continues to offer no matter if he cheats on her. He will cheat again. Happily ever after? No.
BlissfulBarb Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I believe you're either the "battered wife" in question or a woman quite interested in this thug. In my opinion, both positions seem unfortunate to be in. You should get out while you can. I agree with Yukon, on your view of women as being insulting. That he could get any woman he wants is beside the point. It sounds to me like this guy has major conflicts to work within himself, perhaps from an ugly childhood or traumatic event(s). A few questions. Were you close friends, maybe even the person he drunkenly made out with...? If so, and he is committing to this crazy ex again, have you considered the sides to his story that were fabricated/exaggerated? From my experience with the criminal-minded, however "small" the crime, there is an instinctive need to lie. It's a sickness and seems like a problem this man may have developed. I have no doubt he could be equally as crazy as she. After all, it takes two to tango. I would say it's a doomed relationship, with two large exceptions. I had to re-read what Dasein typed to soak it in and he brings up a decent point. Is she on par with him? If she is a catch and a specimen herself, she might be a challenge for him. Although I'm a bit older now, I was in a similar situation when I was a young lady (minus the criminal/drug/alcohol record issue). My now husband & I had a nasty break-up post-college, after 4 years together. I was proclaimed the crazy bi*ch. BUT only to his friends and that's obviously because they're his friends; it's what he wanted them to hear in his weak moments of anger, confusion and hurt. I was guilty of dubbing him certain names, as well, in my close circles. After a year or so of seeing others and developing our own identities, we came back to one another with a passion unmatched. He had decided to work more hours, follow his culinary school dream & begin a healthy relationship with me again, leading to marriage and our 3 wonderful children. The Main reason he and I reconnected was our faith and that is still the main reason we have made it thus far. Different strokes, different folks. We still have our moments (certainly) but have since maintained different ways to approach problem spots. Bottom line: If he's making the effort, in-front of both friends & family, after this long...it sounds like the end for them may not come, so I hope you aren't twiddling your thumbs, waiting. If he is truly a bad person and using others, what goes around, comes around. Good luck to you!
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