Skyrim Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 My ex and I hung out for the first time in 3 months last Thursday, she came over to my house and had brought some wine and ciders. Before we started drinking we were being playful and flirting and laying on the bed together, until we started tickling then that lead to cuddling then that lead to sex. After that everything was fine and was like we were together again. We had given each other oral and had sex another 2 times. She was saying she loved me again and even started crying about how much she missed me showing her my Video games (sounds a little silly, but meh) Anyway, after that day things were decent, we knew that it was a risk getting back together because of the past and decided we'd take things slow. Which is fine by me, I don't want to rush her into it but because of the past I'm finding that I've been having a hard time coping and trusting her again. I haven't seen her since because shes been "out with friends" and everytime we speak now I get the feeling shes loosing interest (shes telling me shes not, but the feelng is still there) and I texted her earlier with my new number while she was out and didn't seem happy to hear from me one bit. In the past she lied, cheated and used me and its damaged me a lot. I'm still not over it all. Should I just calm down and take things slowly? I don't know what to do, a minute I'll be thinking "she's not even bothering to make an effort, she's not worth it" other times I'll think "Its only been a few days, just take it easy" I plan to talk to her about it when we see each other again, but ehh I can't control my emotions now. What can I do??
jordjones Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 If she has cheated on you before, she will invariably cheat on you again. It might be in a few weeks or a few years, but I generally believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mantra.
smudge21 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 It will take time for her to rebuild all the trust she has destroyed by her actions, and I'm sorry to say it, but it doesn't sound like she's really that bothered in doing that. More likely she just wanted to feed her ego and find out if she can get you back whenever she wants despite how she's treated you - which by having sex with her, you've proven that. Plus, you sound like you're the one making all the effort here. Surely as she dumped you, it should be her coming to you, chasing you? I wish I could give more positive here but going from what you just said, it doesn't sound to good to me. I reckon you should've taken things slow, but it's too late for that now - you jumped into bed straight away. That's like saying "it's okay, you do whatever you want to me honey, I'll still be here for you..." and then she's off out with her friends and being a bit distant. I think you already know where this is heading. If you want this to work, then you need to be a lot stronger than you are being. At the moment you are in danger of becoming her reliable doormat. Is that what you want? Fair enough, you'll get her company, the sex, etc etc, but she'll never respect you, love you or be honest with you. The relationship may last a long time, but it will never be real. Just a convenience for both of you.
stunned8165 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 My ex and I hung out for the first time in 3 months last Thursday, she came over to my house and had brought some wine and ciders. Before we started drinking we were being playful and flirting and laying on the bed together, until we started tickling then that lead to cuddling then that lead to sex. After that everything was fine and was like we were together again. We had given each other oral and had sex another 2 times. She was saying she loved me again and even started crying about how much she missed me showing her my Video games (sounds a little silly, but meh) Anyway, after that day things were decent, we knew that it was a risk getting back together because of the past and decided we'd take things slow. Which is fine by me, I don't want to rush her into it but because of the past I'm finding that I've been having a hard time coping and trusting her again. I haven't seen her since because shes been "out with friends" and everytime we speak now I get the feeling shes loosing interest (shes telling me shes not, but the feelng is still there) and I texted her earlier with my new number while she was out and didn't seem happy to hear from me one bit. In the past she lied, cheated and used me and its damaged me a lot. I'm still not over it all. Should I just calm down and take things slowly? I don't know what to do, a minute I'll be thinking "she's not even bothering to make an effort, she's not worth it" other times I'll think "Its only been a few days, just take it easy" I plan to talk to her about it when we see each other again, but ehh I can't control my emotions now. What can I do?? Mine cheated too. it's a little more complicated. In my heart, I want her to come back. Mainly because I miss my little family. She has two kids I got attached to. On the other hand, I know it's better to just let it go because I don't know if I could ever trust her again. I don't think she even trusts herself. I think this is the worst break up I have ever experienced. 6 months out and I'm still screwed up. Maybe I just want that upper hand back.. I don't know. But I DO know I miss and love the kids so much. My life seems empty with out them... Take it slow my friend, protect your heart. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/
Author Skyrim Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 Thanks for the replies. We were together for 2 years, and during that time we spent almost every day together. She'd stay at my place on Weekends and come over during the week a couples times, during Holidays she spent every day here. We were very close with one another, it was always just us and we kept to ourseleves and it worked great. Their were times when I'd guilt her into not going out and spending the night with me, I realise I was at fault there and have told her that things will be different in that aspect. I'm really not bothered if she goes out, as long as I know shes safe then I'm fine with it. I miss her so much and love her very dearly, even with all the pain and suffering she's caused. Its been 8 months since our break-up and during that time we were in constant to minimum contact. About 2 weeks ago I decided I'd had enough and deleted her off Facebook, saved her number so I could ignnore it when ever she called. Then a few days later she tried speaking to me, I ignored and left it. Then a few days later she called and said shes "ready to see me again" My emotions got in the way of my better judgment and answered and agreed. I really do want this to work out with her and like I said next time I see her I'm going to bring this up. Their has to be a balanceand fairness in this or we're not going to get anywhere. I don't have anyone to speak about this type of stuff with, like to keep to myself a lot and don't converse with many people. Now things have onverwhelmed me so much I'm starting to slip into a depressive state and need some where to vent. Thank you.
smudge21 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 This place is great to vent - no one here will judge, only offer advice where needed (but do remember, none of us are professionals. Just people like you going though the hell that is relationships). I think you need to make it clear to her how you feel and get her reaction. She'll either understand or she'll turn things around and re-direct any faults on to you. I reckon that will give you an answer. Either way, you can't be jumping into bed with her should she start with the flirting. As I said, you run the risk of becoming her reliable doormat or just a friend with benefits. Stick to your guns and say what needs to be said - don't worry about consequences or hurting her feelings. She left you. You have nothing to be worried about. If she wants back, then she will move heaven and earth to prove that to you and nothing you say will put her off.
flitzanu Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Thanks for the replies. We were together for 2 years, and during that time we spent almost every day together. She'd stay at my place on Weekends and come over during the week a couples times, during Holidays she spent every day here. We were very close with one another, it was always just us and we kept to ourseleves and it worked great. Their were times when I'd guilt her into not going out and spending the night with me, I realise I was at fault there and have told her that things will be different in that aspect. I'm really not bothered if she goes out, as long as I know shes safe then I'm fine with it. I miss her so much and love her very dearly, even with all the pain and suffering she's caused. Its been 8 months since our break-up and during that time we were in constant to minimum contact. About 2 weeks ago I decided I'd had enough and deleted her off Facebook, saved her number so I could ignnore it when ever she called. Then a few days later she tried speaking to me, I ignored and left it. Then a few days later she called and said shes "ready to see me again" My emotions got in the way of my better judgment and answered and agreed. I really do want this to work out with her and like I said next time I see her I'm going to bring this up. Their has to be a balanceand fairness in this or we're not going to get anywhere. I don't have anyone to speak about this type of stuff with, like to keep to myself a lot and don't converse with many people. Now things have onverwhelmed me so much I'm starting to slip into a depressive state and need some where to vent. Thank you. dude, i hit this "stage" too. honestly i don't think anyone can give you realistic advice on this one. the only tip that will be useful, is, you CANNOT be weak. girls smell fear and hate weakness. she wants you to be arrogant and dominant right now and NOT care how she's acting. the second you cry, whine, or go emo on her, she's going to start pushing away again. i hate to say it man...but just be aloof and even a bit of a dick. she already proved that she has you under her thumb, since you slept with her when she came over. now in her mind she has you to be the doormat as suggested, and you need to show that you're not. again, i can't stress enough, if she smells weakness on you, she's going to rip you apart.
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