KunFuZed Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 My boyfriend and I broke up a few month ago. Unfortunately we still live together but the good part is we have separate bed rooms. That's how its been since I moved in with him, we never slept in the same bed because we live in the basement of his mothers house, even tho she doesn't live in the house, we don't share a bed nor do we share a room. Any who, now that we've decided to be single he still thinks its ok for us to continue to have sex n gets upset because I disagree and turn him down. I turn him down on a lot of things that we use to do when we were bf/gf like kissing, cuddeling, rubbing and touching. I don't see him as my bf any more, I think of him as a friend/room mate. But I think he is hurt by me not treating him like he is my bf. I do it because I don't want t be with him and I don't want to give him any reason to think we might get back together. How can I get him to back off and understand that we are done with out hurting his feelings too bad untill I can move out in a few months?
wilsonx Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 move out now? who dumped who, this isnt a mutual breakup. You're leaving out a lot of the story. If I had to guess, you broke up with him.
EgoJoe Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Look at her join date, her signature and then read the post again, Wilson.
Author KunFuZed Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) Look at her join date, her signature and then read the post again, Wilson. You know what I'm going to stop coming to this site for advice on my relationships. I started coming to this site when I was a sophomore in college and now I've been out of college for almost 6 years. For as young as I was, I think that has been plenty of time for me to jump in or out of relationships as I please. I'm an adult now but still not old enough to have the wisdom that most of you on the web site may possess and that's why I turn to this forum for advice on hiccups I encounter in my relationships. But I always have some one like you who wants to go thru my past post about past relationships and judge me on that. Things I did when I was 19 or 20. Yes I've been on this forum for a long time but check the # of post I have for me to have been coming here as long as I have. I had this account for 7 years n have 52 post. So really what does that say about me? And what does it say about you who hasn't been on this forum for a year and has over 600 post? Yet you want to judge a 27 y/o on things she did when she was 19, like create a signature from a stand up comedy by Kat Williams? It says to me you got some f'ed up mess going on in your love life or u just dont have one at all and you come to judge those of us who do. Too bad they don't sell "a life" a walmart because you need to go get one. I don't come to loveshack.org to be judged I come for advice, but it seems that there are many like yourself who are here to judge rather than give advice. Is that why you yourself signed up on the love advice forum is to judge or is it because sometimes you need advice yourself? Edited November 21, 2011 by KunFuZed
EgoJoe Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Uh, well, I was trying to get Wilson to take a second look. I don't even want to articulate a proper insult or swear at you. We all know what is really going on in your head no matter how much you try to deny it or rationalize it. Enjoy the rest of your life.
Author KunFuZed Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 What is going on in my head? What am I tryin to deny? Please tell me since you seem to know me so well from reading the few post I ve placed on this site. If you didn't have any advice to give on my post you should have just read it and kept it movinu because you had no positive input. How are you responding to Wilson when he/she is not the original poster? Telling him/her to look at my past relstionships which has nothing to do with the current one. You sound dumb trying to justify youself... you are now dismissed.
Jono85 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Uh, well, I was trying to get Wilson to take a second look. I don't even want to articulate a proper insult or swear at you. We all know what is really going on in your head no matter how much you try to deny it or rationalize it. Enjoy the rest of your life. dude what on earth are you talking about i don't see how her join date, and her sig, tell ANYTHING as to what happened in this relationship. as for OP, ur doing the right thing and it's probably very hard on u, but keep it up until u can move out (preferably VERY soon). it must be very hard for him to keep living with u after u've broken his heart, so try to understand where he's coming from. can u not move back in with family or friends until u find another place?
fucpcg Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think the title of thread very telling. Move out now is the answer. Ill leqve it at that.
wilsonx Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I gave you the simplest solution to end your complaint on this thread, move yourself out of that situation. At the same time, egojoe does need to stop second posting me. I'm glad that you actually caught this and said something, its been needing to be said for a couple months now. I agree, if you do not have anything constructive to say to the person asking for advice, stay out of the thread. Now going back to this thread and you, your attack on him is cowardice and selfish. You are judging someone based on the number of posts they have compared to you. That does not make you any better of a person then he is because your join date/post ratio is low. He's offering advice, you are offering insults. Most of the people here, dumpers, dumpees, broken hearted people like to point the finger and be angry at everyone else but will not get angry at themselves. They won't look in the mirror and admit that they allowed themselves to be put in a situation. If you want something, you go out and get it. You do not sit in someone else's basement and complain about some other guy not getting it because you are not getting it either. I'll teach you a little secret, if you have had the same problems with the same types of guys for the past how many years? Its not the guys. You need to look in a mirror, fix your insecurities and then go out and get you want, what you think you deserve. There's a saying "Water Seeks Its Own Level" and its absolutely true.
EgoJoe Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) Wilson: I only "second post" you to encourage or to try and reign you in when you're in angry mode because you're a smart guy but sometimes we all need a perspective adjustment. Hence the, "Hey! Look again at her post count and join date." The data was pertinent and I'll touch on it a little at the end of this. OP: I wasn't going to bother because I'm not invested and don't really care about your opinion because just by skimming the titles of your previous thread, this thread and reading the original post plus the subsequent ones. I gathered a cursory idea; not a judgment. What do I think is going on in your head? Denial, projection and deflection. Oh and for the record I don't have to justify anything hence the uninvested matter of fact way I am addressing you. Why didn't I offer you advice or even try to other than to help Wilson see things a little differently? Because I knew you'd get combative instantly while you postured until you hear what you want to hear. "Why doesn't he get that it's over?" Because you're still there and he probably has genuine feelings for you. Furthermore, it's likely that he's in denial TOO. Simultaneously, you appear to be completely incapable of seeing things from someone else's perspective and at the DROP OF A HAT are in lash out mode. Because and I'll reiterate this: you jumped down my throat when all I said was, "Wilson to look at that other data" because I didn't have the time at the time to be helpful and sometimes we all want a big post full of advice, perspective and comfort (even if it's tough love) as soon as possible. Wilson has a very good point with the water seeks it's own level rhetoric. You could go further and say like attracts like or that your idea of love is skewed etc. and I could go on and on with generalizations, lash outs or make fun of your grammar and sentence structure. That is not what I'm about. You and your Ego need to recognize that I'm not fooled. You appear to be absolutely clueless as to the impact of your actions on others otherwise you wouldn't be asking such a foolish question. You came here looking for validation and you think that because I actually tried to help you by trying to help Wilson take a step back to look again that I was trying to take a shot at you? Grow up. I'm here to help people because when I snapped out of my funk I realized alot of things. For the record a sarcastic, "please tell me" followed by, "you sound dumb trying to justify yourself" and then a, "you are dismissed" is an indicating example of an unorganized lashout designed to do nothing other than incite an angry response. But, I'm not your Ex and I don't care what you think or how you feel. So powertrip elsewhere, Troglodyte. I'm not mad at all though as a matter of a fact I am laughing at you but still a little sad to see you suffer so much. I'd rather see you wake up and realize that your Ex is scrambling to avoid hurt by trying to reconnect with you in any way he can. I'd rather you realize that you are deflecting alot of things so that you can avoid pain. That is what I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is going on in your head. I know logic is an alien concept to someone like you but I'll drop a hint not all reasoning is based upon justification or rationalization. Your apparent inability to stay objective, open and understanding belies your use defense mechanisms which in turn allude to your emotional maturity which places all sorts of connotations on any communication you partake in. For anyone who wants to know why I said to look at the post count and join date in conjunction with the thread title and content. I think it's obvious that she is more inclined to take than give at this point. Final Note to the OP: I think it's sad that because of how low you are in life you're trying to hop up by attacking me. I know it sucks that you live in your Ex's Mother's basement but you can make it out of this and become a better person if you try. I know you can. Also, something you might not know is that very few people like a should-er. Edited November 21, 2011 by EgoJoe Typo.
Author KunFuZed Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 First I'd like to thank everyone for their input on my on my original post. Also I would like to apologize if I offended any one. It just gets annoying when you go to these forums to seek advice or to help your with a situation and you have so many negative people wanting to put in their two cents. I'm not sure if it is always the same person who is always wanting to refer back to my past post but it becomes frustrating sometimes. Ok so back to the matter at hand: Unfortunately I am unemployed due to my company going out of business and do not have and friends or family I can stay with. But I signed up with a gov't program that sends me to learn a new skill/trade and I will be done with that program in the next few months. They say a job is guaranteed before or by the end of the program. I am grateful that he is allowing me to stay here with him until the program is over. But I don't want to allow certain things to happen for it to seem as tho I am trying to lead him on only to get his feelings hurt at the end of the day. I have maybe 2 more months until I can move out.
Jono85 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Ego Joe: i'm still not sure how simply looking at her join date and sig tell the whole story. So b/c she's been hoping for the right guy for 7 years and has been mistreated, means what exactly to you?? It's not my place but i'll say it anyway. if you read your whole post EgoJoe, when you're in a better place, or simply more mature, you'll realize how pathetic it is. You come off all high and mighty critisizing the OP for her mistakes, yet you take tons of below the belt shots yourself. You sound like a very bitter individual who has been scorned by women quite badly, and is now taking it all out on women looking for help on msg boards. You instigated this whole thing, and clearly you finished it, not once looking more mature/intelligent/wise than anyone. Take a step back and understand what you're so upset over.
Lis007 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 It sounds like you are using him... The best thing for everyone would be for you to be independent, responsible for yourself and move out.
flitzanu Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 You know what I'm going to stop coming to this site for advice on my relationships. I started coming to this site when I was a sophomore in college and now I've been out of college for almost 6 years. For as young as I was, I think that has been plenty of time for me to jump in or out of relationships as I please. I'm an adult now but still not old enough to have the wisdom that most of you on the web site may possess and that's why I turn to this forum for advice on hiccups I encounter in my relationships. But I always have some one like you who wants to go thru my past post about past relationships and judge me on that. Things I did when I was 19 or 20. Yes I've been on this forum for a long time but check the # of post I have for me to have been coming here as long as I have. I had this account for 7 years n have 52 post. So really what does that say about me? And what does it say about you who hasn't been on this forum for a year and has over 600 post? Yet you want to judge a 27 y/o on things she did when she was 19, like create a signature from a stand up comedy by Kat Williams? It says to me you got some f'ed up mess going on in your love life or u just dont have one at all and you come to judge those of us who do. Too bad they don't sell "a life" a walmart because you need to go get one. I don't come to loveshack.org to be judged I come for advice, but it seems that there are many like yourself who are here to judge rather than give advice. Is that why you yourself signed up on the love advice forum is to judge or is it because sometimes you need advice yourself? defense *clap clap* defense... it's curious that you'd get so worked up over such a vague comment from a poster. however, for your situation i'd agree there's not a whole lot to go by, but it seems pretty simple. you tell him "no" and remind him you're not together? also move out of his mother's basement quickly. you're leading him on and prolonging this by staying. also don't care about excuses or financial blah blah. if you want to leave, you FIND a way to leave. stay with a friend, move in with family, etc. something other than living with your ex. you need to take initiative to get away from him if that's what you're wanting to do, otherwise you're not even showing HIM that the breakup is "real".
EgoJoe Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Ego Joe: i'm still not sure how simply looking at her join date and sig tell the whole story. So b/c she's been hoping for the right guy for 7 years and has been mistreated, means what exactly to you?? It's not my place but i'll say it anyway. if you read your whole post EgoJoe, when you're in a better place, or simply more mature, you'll realize how pathetic it is. You come off all high and mighty critisizing the OP for her mistakes, yet you take tons of below the belt shots yourself. You sound like a very bitter individual who has been scorned by women quite badly, and is now taking it all out on women looking for help on msg boards. You instigated this whole thing, and clearly you finished it, not once looking more mature/intelligent/wise than anyone. Take a step back and understand what you're so upset over. Way to generalize. You are incorrect. I am not bitter and I am aware I took shots but they weren't to make me feel better or make her feel worse. I was being objective for a reason. Simply because you don't think I see the "bigger picture" doesn't mean I am not seeing one that you yourself are missing. Despite the fact that I iterate it again and again that it has nothing to do with the complete post history just an example of a MINDSET which belies the use of defense mechanisms. I'm willing to argue when I'm right because I don't assert anything but observations and if applicable factual knowledge. I have an Ego too I'm aware of and friends with mine though.
happypanda21 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 The best way to show him that you serious is to move out. If you at all cannot do that, then start paying rent, puchase your own food, and do not rely on him for ANYTHING. If your financially dependent him him, he will have control. Sell you blood, walk neighbors dogs, do anything you can to make money to move out. Your actions speak louder than words. You have control, you just need to do it.
Author KunFuZed Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 I jumped up and became defensive and lashed out at you because I felt you were trying to be negative and judgmental. If you wanted to inform Wilson to take a second look, you could have simply sent him a private message with a link to this thread. But then again, who are you to influence feed back from him or anyone else? If other commentators see what you write and follow what you say, then I wont get the help I came to seek. There is no indication of where any of my relationship begins or ends, so using my past post and signature to give feed back on this current situation is unnecessary. When I start a thread I welcome all post positive and negative. I don't come here looking to advise to dictate my life. I pick and choose which advice I think would benefit my situation most and move on and yes I am guilty of taking and not giving advice on this forum. I'm not good at giving advice. I am more of a good listener, the friend that you vent to when your upset and need a listening ear and not looking for any feedback in return. Its funny to me that you think you can tell so much about me from the few times that I have stopped at this forum to drop rants about experiences and hiccups in my relationships. I don't post everything that goes on in my life and I am usually vague on details. I don't come here to fool anyone, I come here because just like you I'm not perfect. Sometimes we need to seek input from the outside world, people who are not friends and family. People who are'nt going to tell you what you want to hear. I know that have have things within myself that I need to work on. I'm still young and have alot of life ahead of me. So as I grow old I learn things about myself, learn what I can, change and move on with life. Lastly, F.Y.I. I am a very educated black woman, who started a prestigious college at the young age of 16. I have 2 degrees and currently working on a Masters at the same time leaning a trade so I can get back into the work field. I live in my ex's mothers basement right now because the American economy has gone to the ***** house I don't really have much of a choice right now. I'm 27, no kids, never been married, never been arrested and never done any drugs. I'm a rose that grew from concrete and I still have some hood tendencies so sometimes I do start my sentences with things like "please tell me" and end then with "you are dismissed". This a forum not a business meeting I don't have to be prim and proper here. I can get my point across without all the necessary punctuation's. I am smart enough to know this is not what I want and this is not where I'm going to stay. I know I deserve better. So "Don t play yourself" (That's hood lingo for don't fool yourself.) Long story short the point of my original post was to get feed back on how to saver his feelings with out looking selfish and ungrateful, because I do try to put myself in other peoples shoes and think about their feelings. I am not one to intentionally hurt someone.
Author KunFuZed Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) The best way to show him that you serious is to move out. If you at all cannot do that, then start paying rent, puchase your own food, and do not rely on him for ANYTHING. If your financially dependent him him, he will have control. Sell you blood, walk neighbors dogs, do anything you can to make money to move out. Your actions speak louder than words. You have control, you just need to do it. The only thing I rely on him for is this warm bed to sleep in. I take care of my self, have my own money, buy food and cook for the both of us and still keep the house clean. I guess I'll just have to wait these few month out Edited November 22, 2011 by KunFuZed
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