What kind of girl would do this?

[harvej]

I had an earlier post, but it was poorly written,so I got no responses or advice.

Nutshell.

Met a girl at my office, and fell in love with her while I was seperated from my wife. (no kids). We dated 5 years before I was able to get some clues about her past from her ex's. She admitted all of this. Child out of wedlock, moved into new house with new boyfriend immediatly. He gave her STD. She was once married. Cheated on me three times, each time saying she thought "we were broken". Went dark on me last month after I told her I was diagnosed with stomach cancer, and broke up with me last week after the prior night I caught her coming back from shopping with an old client of hers (she is a LMP) I asked her WTF? and she said that she thought we were broken up. She apologized after I left via text, but when I went over the next morning to discuss this, she broke up with me,said she just started dating this guy last week, and there was no love for me for a along time, so she said "i was over you and gone, when you told me you had cancer, so I did not abandon you". I was on my way to get her daughters birth certificate to create trust fund for her in the event I die. I have not heard from her since, but saw that she stayed the night with her new boyfriend ALREADY!? She is 40, I am 49.

I am devastated but dont know why I feel this way when clearly she has low self esteem and is obviously a "have to shack up fast with any man" type. Apparently she is never alone between boyfriends. She is also bi-polar. My question and need for advice is.

1. Is she a clinical narcassist? Over 5 years she has never apologized fro anything, blamed me for our break up, never did remember my Birthday, although she always crammed hers down my throat.

2. With her past being so ghetto, what type of woman does this?

3. Why do I feel dumped and hurt? I actually think I want her back sometimes, am I just acting out due to the horror of her dumping me in my time of need?

4. How can she move on so fast? Rebound?

5. I have gone NC, and hope I can heel fast enough to get rid of her, vs seek her back.

I have stage 2 which can go stage 3 pretty fast, so I dont really need to leave this world depressed because some class less lady did this too me, so I am trying to move on fast and get over the multiple reasons for my depression. Also, I feel like driving past their houses but have stopped that after one time. When my father was ill and passing, she cheated on me

at that time too.

I know I sound like a loser too, by putting up with this, but I found out much of this stuff and confirmed it when she dumped during our break up discussion. Sick and depressed.. I need "get over her " advice and somebody else telling me what I also feel to drive it home about her low class low self esteem behaviour and why I should leave her to the ghetto.

I say that because she comes from a poor background and seems to like it there, as I have been quite successful. I never let her move in with me and I stopped paying all her bills when she started behaving this way.

[perfectlyflawed459]

Wow, I don't even know what to say...I am so sorry for everything you are going through I wish you well in your battle with cancer first of all, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Secondly, that woman is so heartless. Please, now that you are out of that relationship, stay out and surround yourself with the people in your life that do love and care about you. You deserve way better than that. I know someone with a similar past to hers and that person is very messed up, so I do believe her past plays a huge role in her terrible behavior. Which brings me to my next point, although you say you love and such, you cannot hurt yourself like this in order to please her. I encourage you to move on with your life, allow yourself to grieve this relationship, and then bury it deep within the past. Unfortunately once someone is messed up like her due to a troubled past, it is really difficult to save them, and it is not your job to do so.

[harvej]

I saw that you gave great advice to another poster,and I am so enlightened that you responded so quickly. I am still disappointed in my choice to get in a relationship with her. I think I was more attached to the idea of having a step daughter, as I was unfortunate and did not get to have any children,and she was the closest thing. Her mother came off as a mellow loving type, but had i known her past, i would have never succumbed to her advances. She started by saying she used to love my music and had seen me perform in concert when she was in high school, and I must have been going thru a midlife crisis and was vulnerable to her type. Belly dancer/LMP, bad combo if I ever didnt want to be a jealous type. My fault, my bad. I think I will leave a trust for he daughters education, but not tell her mother. perhaps oen of us can get something good from this mess. God bless, and thank you!

[wilsonx]

You can't judge someone saying "If I would have known her past." You still would have done the same thing. Trust me on this. You are lying to yourself.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through and I know you are a good guy at heart but you made a poor decision with her. She cheated on you multiple times and you kept allowing it. The fault is not hers. You looked past the obvious red flags because you wanted a step daughter more then the love for yourself.

 

Her issues probably have to do with low self esteem. But you can not judge her and say negative things about her. You will hold on to that anger even longer and will never let it go.

 

If you want to move past this, accept that you made a poor decision and then you have to forgive yourself for making poor decision with her. Everybody makes mistakes and its ok. Live and learn. If you are looking at the quickest route possible to healing from this, focus on you and your well being only. This takes time but the more focus you put on you, the less focus you put on her and the more you will eventually forgive yourself and move on.

Edited November 21, 2011 by wilsonx

[RecordProducer]

Dude, this woman

• cheated on you,
  
• dumped you when she learned you have cancer, and
  
• never remembered your birthday.
  

SHE DOESN'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT YOU! SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU.

 

she comes from a poor background and seems to like it there, as I have been quite successful. I never let her move in with me and I stopped paying all her bills when she started behaving this way.

She wanted you while you were paying her bills, but she only wanted your wallet, not you. She's bad news. Stay away from her. She might even find a way to kill you to get to your money since you're so naive to give it to her daughter in a trust fund. But she's so dumb, she hasn't even thought of it yet - don't worry, the idea will eventually cross her mind - and there she'll show up at your door with some chicken soup and a "How ya doin' babe? I missed you so much."

 

I am so sorry to hear about your medical condition. I hope you heal well and quickly and find yourself a decent woman. Stay away from this woman and her daughter.

 

What is LMP?

And what STD does she have?

[harvej]

You are both right. All along I must have put on blinders. Her STD is herpes in the wrong place, (not vaginally) apparently her last boyfriend was apparently abusive when I pressed. I had already had a blood test last month and lucked out as I also dont practice that sort of thing. LMP means Licensed Massage Practioner. Another red flag was before I learned all the other stuff, was once her car got broken into,and her purse and LMP records were stolen. I encouraged her to let her clients know,because their credit card numbers were in there. She never did let them know their CC's were compromised.

 

I am feeling less pain this morning, although I only slept 3 hours. Thanks for the kind words. I guess I was blind,and stupid, desperate and ignorant, but I can go on encouraged by your words and make quick changes. Thank you!

Edited November 21, 2011 by harvej
Spelling

[stunned8165]

You are both right. All along I must have put on blinders. Her STD is herpes in the wrong place, (not vaginally) apparently her last boyfriend was apparently abusive when I pressed. I had already had a blood test last month and lucked out as I also dont practice that sort of thing. LMP means Licensed Massage Practioner. Another red flag was before I learned all the other stuff, was once her car got broken into,and her purse and LMP records were stolen. I encouraged her to let her clients know,because their credit card numbers were in there. She never did let them know their CC's were compromised.

 

I am feeling less pain this morning, although I only slept 3 hours. Thanks for the kind words. I guess I was blind,and stupid, desperate and ignorant, but I can go on encouraged by your words and make quick changes. Thank you!

 

 

She must be related to my ex... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/

[RecordProducer]

I guess I was blind,and stupid, desperate and ignorant, but I can go on encouraged by your words and make quick changes. Thank you!

Please stay strong and don't let her back in. I always - ALWAYS! - wonder what the other side of the story is when I hear sad love stories. However, in your case there is no other side of the love story. She may be in need of a man whom she can use as it fits her and she may have been hurt and abused and whatnot. But, she doesn't love you. She wouldn't have done the things she did if she cared one bit about you. Unless you beat the crap out of her and insulted her regularly, you didn't deserve those things. A woman who loves doesn't forget her partner's birthday and doesn't dump him when he tells her he has cancer. Please, move on and never look back.

[mike588]

You are both right. All along I must have put on blinders. Her STD is herpes in the wrong place, (not vaginally) apparently her last boyfriend was apparently abusive when I pressed. I had already had a blood test last month and lucked out as I also dont practice that sort of thing. LMP means Licensed Massage Practioner. Another red flag was before I learned all the other stuff, was once her car got broken into,and her purse and LMP records were stolen. I encouraged her to let her clients know,because their credit card numbers were in there. She never did let them know their CC's were compromised.

 

I am feeling less pain this morning, although I only slept 3 hours. Thanks for the kind words. I guess I was blind,and stupid, desperate and ignorant, but I can go on encouraged by your words and make quick changes. Thank you!

 

Tell me what you meant after you said she's a LMP? another red flag? Sounds to familar

[harvej]

Licensed Massage Practitioner.

[mike588]

Licensed Massage Practitioner.

 

I understand that, but what did you mean another red flag that she was a LMP?

[harvej]

Record Producer, thanks for your kind words and advice. I thought I was going to end it when you replied and woke me up. I wish I could tell you everything, but it makes me look foolish to have fallen into a relationship with her. We did have some good times, but her endless request for money and financial support was too much. I would kill myself before physically hurting a woman. In fact, when we did have that "break up" text, I absorbed all the blame on purpose as to not hurt her feelings even after she did this. I am just freaking out over the type of person she is, vs what she did and is doing. She has not contacted me since, and is now apparently spending the nights with her new boyfriend. She is 40 yrs old, so its not a adolescent person we are taking about. Her friend keeps texting me this stuff because she is also horrified by her actions. She was the one who told me about her past where she is NEVER alone between relationships and always rebounds and moves in with the very next guy she meets. What i dont get is that the previous two guys were flat broke,and faking medicaid injuries, and this new guy plays guitar for a living. I did too at one time, but its not a living,and I had airplay success.So she has had 4 relationships in 10 years and several affairs between all of us. She allowed one to abuse her sexually, and the others mentally. I my case, I was always supportive, and I was polar opposites of the others. I have two sisters and 3 brothers who raised me right,and I would never allow myself to abuse a woman in any fashion. I would bow out well before that. So I know I am naive, but cannot for the life of me figure out what kind of person does this to another? Low esteem? desperate single mom, narcasist? bi-polar? What bugs me now worse than anything is she appears to be happy and living it up with her old massage client!

[harvej]

I should have said she was an LMP who used her table to get men. Her apparent current boyfriend was a long time client.

[mike588]

I should have said she was an LMP who used her table to get men. Her apparent current boyfriend was a long time client.

 

Sounds familar,, my ex. was a LMT,, Licensed Massage Therapist.

[hoping2heal]

I had an earlier post, but it was poorly written,so I got no responses or advice.

Nutshell.

Met a girl at my office, and fell in love with her while I was seperated from my wife. (no kids). We dated 5 years before I was able to get some clues about her past from her ex's. She admitted all of this. Child out of wedlock, moved into new house with new boyfriend immediatly. He gave her STD. She was once married. Cheated on me three times, each time saying she thought "we were broken". Went dark on me last month after I told her I was diagnosed with stomach cancer, and broke up with me last week after the prior night I caught her coming back from shopping with an old client of hers (she is a LMP) I asked her WTF? and she said that she thought we were broken up. She apologized after I left via text, but when I went over the next morning to discuss this, she broke up with me,said she just started dating this guy last week, and there was no love for me for a along time, so she said "i was over you and gone, when you told me you had cancer, so I did not abandon you". I was on my way to get her daughters birth certificate to create trust fund for her in the event I die. I have not heard from her since, but saw that she stayed the night with her new boyfriend ALREADY!? She is 40, I am 49.

I am devastated but dont know why I feel this way when clearly she has low self esteem and is obviously a "have to shack up fast with any man" type. Apparently she is never alone between boyfriends. She is also bi-polar. My question and need for advice is.

1. Is she a clinical narcassist? Over 5 years she has never apologized fro anything, blamed me for our break up, never did remember my Birthday, although she always crammed hers down my throat.

2. With her past being so ghetto, what type of woman does this?

3. Why do I feel dumped and hurt? I actually think I want her back sometimes, am I just acting out due to the horror of her dumping me in my time of need?

4. How can she move on so fast? Rebound?

5. I have gone NC, and hope I can heel fast enough to get rid of her, vs seek her back.

I have stage 2 which can go stage 3 pretty fast, so I dont really need to leave this world depressed because some class less lady did this too me, so I am trying to move on fast and get over the multiple reasons for my depression. Also, I feel like driving past their houses but have stopped that after one time. When my father was ill and passing, she cheated on me

at that time too.

I know I sound like a loser too, by putting up with this, but I found out much of this stuff and confirmed it when she dumped during our break up discussion. Sick and depressed.. I need "get over her " advice and somebody else telling me what I also feel to drive it home about her low class low self esteem behaviour and why I should leave her to the ghetto.

I say that because she comes from a poor background and seems to like it there, as I have been quite successful. I never let her move in with me and I stopped paying all her bills when she started behaving this way.

 

My condolences on your cancer diagnosis - I hope it is treatable and that you beat it. Please, get the best treatment you can, I have known people beat stage 3 cancer on a hangnail - so do everything you can to do right by yourself.

 

As for this woman, well - she's bad news and you know that. Of course, it takes a little bit more than knowing someone is trouble or bad for us in order for us to move on from them. I think people who have been victimized by their dating partners like I suspect you have end up with a whole other set of wounds related to another person manipulating you and exploiting at every turn and knowing someone you cared about and put your trust in just took advantage of you - that hurts. No matter how terrible we deem a person to be in hindsight - it still really hurts to know we've been treated this way.

 

She doesn't deserve your pity - but you might find some for her anyway because unlike you? This woman will likely never have love or happiness. She will repeat a cycle of survival that results in manipulating and exploiting men repeatedly and she will never know of the bliss that comes with loving another person and having them love you. She will likely just go from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship since she is already 40 and hasn't sought help for her behavior by now I would say chances are slim she ever will. You at least sound like you have some sensibility and have a shot at having a fulfilling and healthy relationship in the future - this woman will probably never have that. She can't, she doesn't know how it is just a never ending cycle of dysfunction.

[harvej]

Thank you for the encouragement. I am still reeling from her departure with another guy. What kills me is my ignorance. You see, three years ago, she cheated on me when i was on a business strip. When i came home early, she was not home. (6am) I waited and she showed up. After pressing her she admitted to getting drunk, and sleeping with an older man who owned a resturaunt where she used to belly dance for dinner and $25. Her what to have become canned excuse was "i thought we were broken up"? I reminded her that we spoke the previous night, all was well,and she said she loved me. Here is the kicker. While I was there was a knock on the door. It was the same guy she is now with today less than 5 days of breaking up with me. Last week she said she had known him a long time and that he was a great guy. Apparently she was seeing him while I was in the hospital, or just started back up with him. Tonight they are together, and spending the holiday together. I asked her friend to not send me anymore text as I dont want to know. Again, i find it horrific that she has not even called me since breaking it off to even see how my treatment is going. I have been reading about sociopaths and narcacistic behaviour disporder,and they say these types cannot feel remorse or pity except for themselves and children,but later drive their kids nuts too. Does anybody know how long this type of heartache even over a loser like her last? I cannot stand thinking of her anymore and it comes over me in waves. My doc says that this isnt good because of the added stress and the discomfort in my stomach where my cancer is. Its tied in knots, but is worse when i get emotional about this woman. I went NC and have stayed true to the strategy in order to heal, and I was doing great last night, but today a huge depression set in and I in turmoil. I did decide not to set upa trust fund for her daughter as she displays similiar ME ONLY behaviour and I dont want to reward her mother for her behaviour either. What a bad situation all around. What clinical diagnosis would you say this woman has? She has never apologized for anything no matter how big or small ever, and her ex once told her he had never known a more self entitled person in his life. She acts sweet when providing LMP services, ( i never knew her to be the type that offers sexual favors like you hear about), but I do think she uses her practice to seek new boyfriends.

[hoping2heal]

Thank you for the encouragement. I am still reeling from her departure with another guy. What kills me is my ignorance. You see, three years ago, she cheated on me when i was on a business strip. When i came home early, she was not home. (6am) I waited and she showed up. After pressing her she admitted to getting drunk, and sleeping with an older man who owned a resturaunt where she used to belly dance for dinner and $25. Her what to have become canned excuse was "i thought we were broken up"? I reminded her that we spoke the previous night, all was well,and she said she loved me. Here is the kicker. While I was there was a knock on the door. It was the same guy she is now with today less than 5 days of breaking up with me. Last week she said she had known him a long time and that he was a great guy. Apparently she was seeing him while I was in the hospital, or just started back up with him. Tonight they are together, and spending the holiday together. I asked her friend to not send me anymore text as I dont want to know. Again, i find it horrific that she has not even called me since breaking it off to even see how my treatment is going. I have been reading about sociopaths and narcacistic behaviour disporder,and they say these types cannot feel remorse or pity except for themselves and children,but later drive their kids nuts too. Does anybody know how long this type of heartache even over a loser like her last? I cannot stand thinking of her anymore and it comes over me in waves. My doc says that this isnt good because of the added stress and the discomfort in my stomach where my cancer is. Its tied in knots, but is worse when i get emotional about this woman. I went NC and have stayed true to the strategy in order to heal, and I was doing great last night, but today a huge depression set in and I in turmoil. I did decide not to set upa trust fund for her daughter as she displays similiar ME ONLY behaviour and I dont want to reward her mother for her behaviour either. What a bad situation all around. What clinical diagnosis would you say this woman has? She has never apologized for anything no matter how big or small ever, and her ex once told her he had never known a more self entitled person in his life. She acts sweet when providing LMP services, ( i never knew her to be the type that offers sexual favors like you hear about), but I do think she uses her practice to seek new boyfriends.

 

I won't comment on her clinical diagnosis because only someone who was evaluated her can possibly do that with accuracy. She certainly seems to care only about herself and her needs though.

 

I just want to tell you that NC includes no checking up on them, no hearing about what they are doing and with whom etc. So yes, make sure you know nothing of her life and what she is doing and whom she is doing it with. She's happy tonight yes and why? She's happy because she found someone else to con - how sad for him. When his purpose has run its course she will be finished with him too and it will be onto the next one. It's cold and its sad but its sad for her too. There are great things she'll never have and there is clearly an emptiness inside of her. Oh well - her problem.

 

How long will it take? I don't know. You will move on when you've come to accept the relationship is finished and that it is better for you two to be apart. Not just something you recognize on an intellectual level with your brain - but something that has registered with your emotional self too. Your head and your heart will line up to understand this was a dead-end relationship that involved mistreatment, infidelity, and an overload of nonsense and that isn't really going to make you feel good long-term anyway. You will realize its futile to wonder why she doesn't care or bother with it because that just isn't who she is. Your heart is going to catch up with your head one of these days, promise .

[harvej]

I tend to analyze things for the understanding of the human condition, while my heart is screaming for help to understand what just happened. I must say it is mainly my fault for trying to rescue this person, and you are correct about NC. Had I not opened my text, I wouldnt have learned all the gory details of her sleepovers and fast moves beyond me. This has been areally strange month. I hung out with the band Journey a week before,and met the lady who was the whitehouse crasher and desperate wives of WAsh DC, (She left her husband for Niel Schon the guitarist) and she apparently is a golddigger too. Only my ex was poor, and chased losers with no jobs (bad boys) and rich guys.

 

PS: Should she text which she likly wont, would you tell her off or not respond? NC forums say act cool and collected, and others say run. I tend to think to just block her text and seek treatment outside the area for cancer, so I can keep away from her in the event her mother insist on visiting me. Thinking I should move away.

[hoping2heal]

I tend to analyze things for the understanding of the human condition, while my heart is screaming for help to understand what just happened. I must say it is mainly my fault for trying to rescue this person, and you are correct about NC. Had I not opened my text, I wouldnt have learned all the gory details of her sleepovers and fast moves beyond me. This has been areally strange month. I hung out with the band Journey a week before,and met the lady who was the whitehouse crasher and desperate wives of WAsh DC, (She left her husband for Niel Schon the guitarist) and she apparently is a golddigger too. Only my ex was poor, and chased losers with no jobs (bad boys) and rich guys.

 

PS: Should she text which she likly wont, would you tell her off or not respond? NC forums say act cool and collected, and others say run. I tend to think to just block her text and seek treatment outside the area for cancer, so I can keep away from her in the event her mother insist on visiting me. Thinking I should move away.

 

You are already dealing with Cancer treatment I wouldn't make a decision at this time about moving. It might feel comforting now - but think of how you will feel when the dust has settled and you are over this relationship - will you still be glad you're gone? If you decide to move and have a change of pace okay - I just would give it time and think it through.

 

If she texts? Don't answer her. Block her - in fact, I would block her now before she even has the chance. There is no point in telling her off or interacting with her, it will accomplish absolutely nothing except give her the impression she still has a shot at conning you and likely make you feel worse. You don't need anymore bad feelings - this relationship has given you plenty of those

 

Is it your fault for trying to rescue her? Yes, but so what? You are just human like all of the rest of us. You're going to make some bad decisions and pay the consequences for them. Why kick yourself when you're down? You wanted to believe your relationship was the exception to the rule - you wanted to believe it really badly, too badly but now you have lived and learned and you see it isn't realistic. You probably won't do that again! Don't be so incredibly hard on yourself for having compassion for people - be thankful you have that quality, it is a good one! I don't doubt there was some very major manipulation on her behalf which strung you so deeply but you'll learn from this.

 

Unfortunately, some people just exploit others and take advantage of their kindness but not everyone is that way. You let your feelings take the lead meanwhile your logic was lying dormant. I don't think any person is immune to experiencing that in their lifetime.

[harvej]

You are exstremely insighful and articulate. You should have your own web site forum and provide counceling for a living!

 

Thank you. You gave me the best night sleep I have had in weeks. Thanks for being that light at the end of a tunnel, especially on Thanksgiving!

[hoping2heal]

You are exstremely insighful and articulate. You should have your own web site forum and provide counceling for a living!

 

Thank you. You gave me the best night sleep I have had in weeks. Thanks for being that light at the end of a tunnel, especially on Thanksgiving!

 

Happy Thanksgiving and I am happy to hear you slept well!

 

I can't take credit for that restful night of sleep, though. Everything I say (write) would fall on deaf ears unless people are able to consider it and apply it to their situation. So, you were the light at the end of the tunnel I just provided some realistic thinking points. Thank you for the encouragement though! I am a student in the field of psychology so it is nice to hear kind things. If you have any trouble in the future or feel like you need someone to talk to feel free to reach out.

[harvej]

You have a great career ahead of you!

[RecordProducer]

Does anybody know how long this type of heartache even over a loser like her last? I cannot stand thinking of her anymore and it comes over me in waves. My doc says that this isnt good because of the added stress and the discomfort in my stomach where my cancer is.

It will last for as long as you it allow it last. Love is really just a BS type of feeling. Imagine if you suffered amnesia today and couldn't remember her at all, you wouldn't love her anymore, right? But if your leg (or even hair) were cut off, you would still not have it, amnesia or not. What I'm trying to say is it's all in your head. Love is not a tangible thing. Try not to think about her at all. Just stop your thoughts about her and have a few thoughts "in reserve" for when you start thinking about her. I find it helpful to watch upbeat, inspirational movies and to read jokes or listen to comedians (there's plenty on Yutube). Try to be around people, especially family and friends. Get a dog or a cat if you don't have any. Do something creative, find a new hobby, as much as your medical condition allows you currently. When you get better, you will find a new woman, a good one. You can enroll in some activity (e.g. dancing) where you can have fun, socialize, meet new people and find the love of your life. You really don't need this woman. You deserve better. Trust me, you do.

What clinical diagnosis would you say this woman has?

Trash - that's her clinical diagnosis. And the pill I'd prescribe for you is called "Stay Away." Who cares? Stop analyzing her. She's not worth a minute of your time. We are talking about her because we care about YOU - but why are YOU talking about HER?

 

I tend to analyze things for the understanding of the human condition, while my heart is screaming for help to understand what just happened.

Whatever you do or feel, don't let her back into your life. She's hurting you. Do you think you're so unattractive you can't find another woman?

 

Now go take care of yourself and have only pleasant thoughts, even if it means pure fantasy, okay?

[harvej]

I am a musician and will try to book more shows. I made huge progress tonight and did not drive anywhere near her house which was down the street for the venue I was performing at. Leaving town for week to save an old theater and will be away as well. Than you for the candid advice, I know I should not have gotten involved with her. I do know I can meet other women pretty eaisly. I was hit on several times tonight by some hotties. One was only 21 and beautiful and I am 49! LOL! Staying away from rebound though. I love the "trash" comment! LOL. I seriously did not know half of her past until recently, and I guess I did allow the cheating to fester. My bad. Getting my mojo back. Thank you for the support!

[RecordProducer]

You're welcome. Good attitude! If you feel down again, come here, but please don't chase after her. And don't grieve over her - there's nothing to miss in her. You know the truth about her now, so use it to move on and forget about her. I know it's easier said than done, but millions of people have gotten over other people- you probably have had a broken heart before, too - so you can do it. The biggest enemies of the healing process are ignorance (about your ex's personality, i.e. idealizing her), false hopes (that she'll change or that she loves you), low self-esteem, loneliness, and pessimism.

 

Train yourself to have dignity and not take her back. Train yourself to love yourself and not tsettle for less than you deserve. Have faith in the future. I recently heard in a movie "Faith is when all odds are against - and you still believe."