KathyM Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think that just show's a severe lack of communication in the marriage. There are marriage councilor's that help with those issues, unfortunately there are a lot of people who neglect to take a look at the whole picture and fail to realize consequences. Lack of communication, lack of attention, lack of caring. People neglect their marriage and their spouse, and that is what fosters going outside of the marriage. People should invest their time and attention on their spouse, and the more they do that, the more attention they will receive in return. I think cheaters aren't necessarily unaware of the consequences, but they believe the affair will not be discovered, so they don't believe there will be any negative consequences for them.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 It's like I have said again and again, life long monogamy is not the norm for animals like us. For too too long it paid off evolutionarily to mix and match as many kinds of DNA as possible. Only for the last...6000 years or so has anyone practiced supposedly life long monogamy. Yes, some birds mate for life. Some of those birds cheat too. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/02/0214_030214_birddivorce.html There is no romance and no forever.
Nexus One Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 There is no romance and no forever. There is, but only for a relatively few. It's like I have said again and again, life long monogamy is not the norm for animals like us. For too too long it paid off evolutionarily to mix and match as many kinds of DNA as possible. Only for the last...6000 years or so has anyone practiced supposedly life long monogamy. Yes, some birds mate for life. Some of those birds cheat too. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/02/0214_030214_birddivorce.html If someone can't transcend their horniness out of loyalty to their partner, then they're an unworthy partner. We're animals yes, but we're the most advanced ones, we can differentiate between right and wrong. To hurt your partner is wrong. If you can't stay loyal, then don't get into a relationship, or break it off, but don't devalue your SO and the relationship to the level of your own animalist cravings. Sex is not the end all be all, it's not worth hurting the person you supposedly love most over. If you can hurt the person you love most, then what is left?
KathyM Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 It's like I have said again and again, life long monogamy is not the norm for animals like us. For too too long it paid off evolutionarily to mix and match as many kinds of DNA as possible. Only for the last...6000 years or so has anyone practiced supposedly life long monogamy. Yes, some birds mate for life. Some of those birds cheat too. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/02/0214_030214_birddivorce.html There is no romance and no forever. Nonsense. I know many people who have great marriages and that stayed married to the same person for a lifetime. It is possible if both partners aspire to lead a life with integrity.
Nexus One Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 It is possible if both partners aspire to lead a life with integrity. Agreed, except it seems as if such attitudes are becoming increasingly rare.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Heh, that's one of the most retarded online articles that I've had the displeasure to read. And anyone that actually believes it rather deserves to marinate in its' retardation. Having lived this twice... I'd say it's not exactly far fetched.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 @ Nexus and Kathy M Sure there are exceptions to every rule. As for fighting ones urges. That is like fighting gravity. Gravity is always pulling us down. Yet no matter how strong, no matter how stalwart we all end up laying down eventually. Sure as the day ends, and the last breath leaves our body. Gravity will win. If you ask such people, like my parents, you will find that cheating has occured. The difference is they forgave their partner. One key to a long marriage seems to be accepting that it's not going to be a perfect fairy tale and cheating will happen at some point.
dasein Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 There is no romance and no forever. I agree, lifetime marriage is a religious construct that came from a time of life expectancies half of today's, not suited to the realities of modern culture.
Nexus One Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 As for fighting ones urges. That is like fighting gravity. Gravity is always pulling us down. Yet no matter how strong, no matter how stalwart we all end up laying down eventually. Sure as the day ends, and the last breath leaves our body. Gravity will win. I have never cheated, how do you explain that? Are you saying that before I take my last breath I will cheat, because I will not be able to control myself? One key to a long marriage seems to be accepting that it's not going to be a perfect fairy tale and cheating will happen at some point. I don't believe that. I'll believe it happens in a lot of marriages, the majority even, but not all.
Nexus One Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I agree, lifetime marriage is a religious construct that came from a time of life expectancies half of today's, not suited to the realities of modern culture. I'm not religious (agnostic) and I believe in love for life, how relatively rare it may be. (1 in 10 couples according to a study)
RiverRunning Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 My views of marriage have changed so drastically over the last few years. At one time, I thought I couldn't live without it. Now as I get older I care less and less. It doesn't seem viable to be with one person throughout an entire lifetime. It's hard enough forgiving the repeated offensive things that our partners do, let alone major things like affairs. I have had multiple thoughts of cheating, but I never have. Every time these thoughts have surfaced, in past and present relationships, it has been because of a lack of validation, a lack of affection, etc. The guys I've dated just seem to get complacent and then virtually ignore me. I put dinner on the table, and then they're always off doing their own thing. I'm always the one pulling the weight, trying to figure out joint interests, etc. I feel bad for the women out there who HAVE worked to improve their relationships, but inevitably the guy just doesn't take 'em seriously or just doesn't care while he continues doing whatever he would like. Sadly, that's probably why the cheating so often happens. I'm not blaming the partner who gets cheated on...but usually there are dysfunctional patterns in the relationship before an affair happens, especially for women, since it's so often to find an emotional connection. It's every partner's responsibility to try and meet his partner's emotional and physical needs as much as possible. If you don't do that, you don't DESERVE to get cheated on, but you shouldn't be totally surprised when your partner does cheat. In a perfect world, an unhappy partner would just leave. But often there are financial attachments, there's still love there, etc. The cheating partner hopes to fill the void left by his/her partner, but still get to come home to the person they truly want each night. 65% of women cheating seems VERY high, if you ask me. That statistics gotta be skewed. I've seen far more conservative estimates of around 30-40% of women admitting to cheating and something like 50-60% of men cheating (sorry guys - never have seen any statistics that suggest that women cheat more).
Mrlonelyone Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 If you have never cheated then you are very rare. Could it be you just had the decency to end it before moving on? Take a look at the marriage of say... Bill and Hillary Clinton. Met young and have been married longer than most people will ever be. Yet both of them have certainly cheated with other people. The difference is forgiveness. Being faithful when your partner is too is a virtue, being forgiving when your partner isn't is the true test.
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Having lived this twice... I'd say it's not exactly far fetched. This was apparently published in 2005, and the "statistics" are not backed up... at all. But *people* do cheat for a variety of reasons. AND LONG HAVE................. I would think that's already blatant knowledge though
ja123 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 That's why I won't ever re-marry. I have been reduced to keeping all women at arms length. It doesn't matter how good they are, how beautiful, good girl, promiscuous girl, just doesn't matter. I will never look for another life partner, just a bunch of "mean times" to fill the void. I don't hate or dislike women, I just don't have faith in relationships. I would rather just have a fwb. I feel bad about that because the girl i'm with now wants to marry me and have a life together. I love her, and she is a very attractive, good girl with good values. Quite a catch. I just find myself hitting the proverbial wall whenever it comes to commitment. I'm not even interested in other women, I just can't find it in me to go any further. The really sad thing is, I know in my heart if I hadn't been married before I would have without a doubt proposed to her by now. For those women out there who complain they can't find a good guy, take note....I was a good guy until one of you crushed me. I'm sorry you were treated poorly by your wife; however, adopting protective cynicism may prevent you from truly fulfilling love. Why not share your trust issues with your current SO, and maybe visit a counsellor? Good luck!
KathyM Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 How can we give you the validation that you want when you don't come out and say that you want it. You expect us to be mind-readers and do everything. Learn how to express what you want, without all of the passive-agressive bull**** associated with it and then we can talk. It's common sense that, in order to keep the relationship on good terms, you interact with the SO, not ignore them. You show appreciation for what they do and who they are. You compliment them when it is deserved. If you have to ask your SO for it, then it's forced, and not genuine.
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) It was probably her own statistic done by contacting women. And you realize how ridiculous it is to suggest that encompasses all or even most married women, right? 'Cause at least most people within this thread have taken it and ran with it without inquiry (even if it's not her own very limited "statistic") There was no mention of "how many" (besides 12 ) who were included in this "65%"... nor where they came from, etc. In any case, it's impossible to truly know. People have been cheaters/deceivers/liars... and ultimately just *selfish*... probably since human kind began --- it's nothing "new". And they will probably continue to be until it ends. Assuming it began and will end, that is Edited November 21, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
FL Lady Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Agreed, except it seems as if such attitudes are becoming increasingly rare. Indeed. Woman here. Been married. Cheated multiple times. Mostly in the last 2 years of our 8 year marriage. The real reason? My husband let himself go, went to bed early in the evenings and just generally lost his "spark" with me. What surprised me was that even though guys KNEW I was married & they were single - they would actively pursue me. Go figure.
FL Lady Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think the "real" cheating statistics are similar between the genders.
Ginger Beer Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Lol my comment on this thread wouldnt matter since I am considered scum by some men on here because I have at one time had sex with married women. I have stopped and am committed to only doing single women and women with boyfriends. A homewrecker with morals, I like it.
loversquarrel Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I'm sorry you were treated poorly by your wife; however, adopting protective cynicism may prevent you from truly fulfilling love. Why not share your trust issues with your current SO, and maybe visit a counsellor? Good luck! I'm not trying to adopt that way of thinking. It feels like its automatic. I feel good in a relationship then when its time to move further....say....moving in together, It's like I hit a wall and stop. I don't mean to, it just happens.
Severely Unamused Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 A homewrecker with morals, I like it. The cheating wife/gf is the homewrecker. He just happens to be a willing participant. The enabler.
Wolf18 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I slept with a married woman when I was 18. It was a pure lust thing and I did feel horribly guilty afterwards, her husband started coming into my job at the time and he was a really nice guy ( I had no idea that he was her husband until later), he even brought me a turkey sandwich once when i was working a double shift on thanksgiving. I get ill just thinking about it. I would always take off 30% off his purchases when he came into my store, and he would always ask why hahaha, ease my conscience. She was like 15 years older, she should've known better. I guess it's not her fault, her husband is somehow to blame right ??
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 And people wonder where my trust issues come from. Both sexes are capable of cheating so it really based on personality and selfishness. One sex is no better than the other when it comes to choosing to do this. Woggle, but you trust your wife..Right? Hopefully that's a yes and that's all that should count.
the wizard Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Its the funniest when people blame their SO for their own moral shortcomings. You cheated on your SO because he didn't do this, or did that, or etc. Lmao, no my love, you cheated because you're a filthy whore. Shut up already.
xxoo Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 "In talking to these women, I learned that every woman thinks about leaving her husband. Or cheating on him. At least once. A woman who says she’s never thought about these things is either not married or in denial. Or she’s too afraid to admit it." She talked to a dozen cheating wives and concluded that ALL married women think about cheating or leaving....or else are in denial. Sheesh. Books like this make me feel better about my life I want what I have. I am so thankful for my husband, and the life we share.
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