Janesays Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I'm almost 33 years old. I've been dating since I was around 15. And since then, I've never spent any significant period of time without a serious boyfriend or a husband. I think the longest I've ever spent single was about 8 months when I was around 19. This has never been a purposeful thing for me. It's not as if I've ever actively searched for a relationship. I really truly never minded the IDEA of being single. It's just never worked out that way for me. I've always just started off hanging out with guys or casually dating only for things to progress pretty organically. Likewise, my relationships usually end on good terms and we remain friends. With one exception... I've been married twice. My first marriage didn't work out. No one's fault, just wasn't meant to be. My second marriage lasted for 7 years. And at the end of that, he burned me. Bad. Very bad. I've never been burned that bad by a man before. I've never been hurt or betrayed or walked through such relationship dysfunction. And the end result of that is I suddenly feel....trepidation. When my ugly ugly divorce finally ended, I decided that I was going to just be single for awhile. I might date around, meet people, just for company and friendship, but no relationships! You know all the books and movies say that sometimes just being by yourself is very 'healing' or whatever and you get to 'know yourself.' So, I figured that's what I was going to do. Yeah. That lasted about 6 months. Then I re-met up with my current boyfriend. (Old friend from grade school) We actually just started hanging out as friends, things progressed, and now we're in a "serious relationship." And I am totally, completely, head over heels in love with him! He's so sweet and romantic and loving and patient. Super smart and funny. Quirky and adorable and honestly? I could go on and on until you all puked... But, see, I'm worried. I'm worried that since I didn't take that time to be single, that this will all go up in flames. In my past, I never had the FEAR of relationships that I do now. After my ex, I have all sorts of nightmares and anxieties.....suddenly, I'm a woman with BAGGAGE. Horrible, horrible baggage. And I try my best to bury it deep inside, but part of me wonders if I'll ever be fully capable of opening myself up like I was able to in the past. I really never took the time to look inside myself to find out. Anyone ever been through something similar?
Cee Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 My situation was almost exactly the same. Except I was married once. From age 16-34 I was always in a relationship. When I left my ex husband, I decided to be single. That lasted only 3 months. I went into therapy and got a lot of help. I was a love addict and had to have a man around. I'm not saying you're an addict, but I was. It wasn't easy to break the pattern, but I did. I knew I had to do it. My choices of men were pretty horrible. I was single for several years. It was incredibly hard and lonely, but it is my proudest achievement. Finally I became my own person. When I met my boyfriend, I had been single for 6 years. No baggage, no drama. It was like a clean slate. In a way, it feels like my first relationship because it is the healthiest.
mammamia1 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Question for Cee and maybe Janesays: I'm a 20 something years old girl and I want to spend an extended period being single too. I do have some emotional baggage and also because of my work.. But my underlying fear is that... If I wait until later (late 20s, early 30s) to start dating again, will my chance of finding a great guy decrease (because I'll be older)??? Right now I'm 20ish and attractive, it's fairly easy for me to find a guy. That's my only fear, otherwise I would feel more comfortable to not have to look, and focus on other things. I had bfs and guys chasing after me in the past, there's nothing that I haven't done.
jobaba Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 There's lots of people like you. Especially women but men too. I know several women who have been in relationships their whole lives. It just means you're attractive and probably not the pickiest person in the world. Which is good. My one good male friend from college had been in relationships ever since the 8th grade and had never been rejected (except at clubs) in his whole life. He would just pick and choose from the women he knew liked him. I think you're reading too much into it. I've had to claw and scratch for every single scrap of attention from the opposite sex my whole life. I sure wish I had your 'problem'. 1
Els Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I don't think it's the exact period of time that matters per se. If it all came naturally and you genuinely fell in love, it's probably fine IMO. I don't see the point of enforcing a strict 'no relationships' time if a person feels right. On the other hand, there probably are people who just grab the nearest interested person they can find, regardless of whether or not they themselves are genuinely interested. Those are certainly setting themselves up for failure.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I was pretty much always in a relationship from 14-32. Like you, I never looked for relationships, but they found me. Then, after I broke up with someone at 32, I decided to take a full year off from dating and relationships. It's been 3 years since that breakup, and though I am now open to meeting someone new, I haven't met someone who's a good long-term match yet. But I am meeting new people again, so I think it'll happen eventually. But, see, I'm worried. I'm worried that since I didn't take that time to be single, that this will all go up in flames. In my past, I never had the FEAR of relationships that I do now. Probably the most valuable thing I've gotten out of being single for 3 years is that I really have learned to be independent and take care of myself. I was pretty strong before, but now I'm so much stronger. I'm not afraid of anything, really. And that means I can view a relationship as a wonderful addition to my life, rather than any kind of crutch to support it. And this means I don't fear its end. It takes a huge amount of pressure off things to KNOW that you can take care of yourself if you have to.
Sugarkane Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Janesays- I just want to ask with all the people in the breakup section that got dumped coz of GIGS or their exes wanted to be single, why have you never dumped someone coz you wanted to be single? Why did you stay? Just curious
Author Janesays Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 I guess I'm just afraid to get married again or even live with someone. But at the same time, I'm 33 years old, so if I'm ever going to have a family, it's time to put up or shut up. I'm not worried that I can't take care of myself because I'm taking care of myself right now and doing well. But I was hurt so badly in my last relationship, the very THOUGHT of that happening to me again gives me large amounts of anxiety. I'm worried that even though my boyfriend is totally wonderful, if I'll ever be able to make that level of commitment again. I guess I just wish I would have hooked up with him first. Janesays- I just want to ask with all the people in the breakup section that got dumped coz of GIGS or their exes wanted to be single, why have you never dumped someone coz you wanted to be single? Why did you stay? Just curious Because I don't believe in throwing people away.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 But I was hurt so badly in my last relationship, the very THOUGHT of that happening to me again gives me large amounts of anxiety. What are you afraid of exactly? Life is full of pain. We all get hurt. If you get hurt, you'll grieve and then get over it. I think if you are more specific about what you are afraid of, you can figure out how to bust through your fears.
dasein Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I'm wary of women who have never spent a significant time in life single, probably similar to women who are wary of men who have never had LTRs or much sexual experience. Relationships are a part of life, not the heart of life IMO. If you look back on your life to date, and it has been defined in terms of a series of relationships, time to make a change towards other life goals. Moreover, relationships aren't just something that "happens" to people out of their control, I find many women have that attitude and it's immature. Thinking of time spent single as an opportunity to pursue every bit as important as the work one puts into relationships is a good first step.
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