ThsAmericanLife Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) I get where you are coming from but I think your Hypo is a fail... In your scenario BOTH of those people have an equal capability or deserving of being forgiven and both deserve it the same.. To not think so would be extremely cold..IMO.. In order to forgive someone who is a drunk you must first separate the person from the alcoholic.. then all is equal. I'll reword that... Who is a better risk for a relationship? Who is a worse risk for repeat behavior? Both are deserving of forgiveness (I happen to believe in personal redemption). However, I don't need to be the one doing it (forgiving) unless perhaps it was my child the person killed. In that case, I'd forgive them so I could get on with my life. ... and I'd still argue that forgiving #2 would be alot easier to forgive than #1. In other words, I would not consider dating #1... no matter what. Edited November 21, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife
Pierre Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) It is much easier for married women to cheat. Men need to find a woman that does not mind the fact that he is married. A man still needs to court the potential woman that will help him cheat. OTOH, married women can easily find men that will have sex with them despite the marital status. Furthermore, when a woman wants sex she gets sex. If she gives the right signal there will be a line of men waiting to do her. Edited November 21, 2011 by Pierre
2sunny Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Many times - an AP is chosen (even subconsciously) by their level of vulnerability. This vulnerability doesn't always show exactly why he/she may be vulnerable at the time - but just that lone decision to act on the need for attention (thinking that it's "love") shows how broken the person is on the inside. Affection doesn't mean love Attention doesn't mean love Sex doesn't mean love Compromising integrity within oneself will never equate to love or loving behavior. The union of two is toxic from the start because one or both has betrayed their moral compass in order to justify engaging with the other person on a level that shatters their own sense of self.
Quiet Storm Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Person #1 has been a drunk for years... regularly drinks and drives. It is pure dumb luck they haven't killed anyone in the past. Person #2 just found out their spouse/parent/child died. In a fit of desperation, they head down to the local bar and end up having a few too many. Has never happened before. Not the sloppy drunk or the driving. They do their time, pay the fines, and it never happens again. (I guess I'm kinda thinking of the guy on It's a wonderful life... the one who almost kills the kid because he prescribes the wrong medicine). Which person is more capable or deserving of forgiveness?? I could see reasons for forgiving both. #1 may view the accident as their "bottom" and use it as a catalyst to turn their life around. I understand that some people may consider an episode of cheating as an abberation. For me, it is a question of character. A person's true character shows when they face a conflict, a crisis or a dilemma. A person may only cheat once due to special circumstances, (so it seems like an abberation) but they often exhibit other behaviors in their life related to poor boundaries or conflict avoidance. I can say with 100% certainty that I will never cheat. There would be no circumstance that would ever make that a possibility for me. Just like I know that I will never slap an old lady, steal from my mother, rip an IV out of a sick person's arm, poke a baby in the eye...you get the picture. As for forgiving a cheater...if my husband cheated on me and was willing to address the issues that led to that choice, I would remain married to him. However, I would question his character and there would be no blind trust. We have built a happy life together and have three great kids. I would not turn their lives upside down because of their father's mistake. I could move on from it, but you can't unring the bell. I would know what he is capable of. I also think the circumstances would play a part in my willingness to forgive. I would be more willing if he confessed and it was one incident. If it was a continuing affair that involved many secrets and lies, I would be less optimistic.
nova_guy123 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 You know I don't think I'd care if a girl cheated on me, as long as she still wanted to stay married or in a relationship I'd let her do what she wanted. Wow. That's pretty pathetic. Why would you do that to a woman, let her cheat on you like that? That's worse than cheating to me.
EasyHeart Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 With female cheaters some of them consider it to be some act of female empowerment. They were the poor little wife all those years in their mind and now they are finally doing something for themselves and reclaiming their identity. They put their husbands in the position of being the patriarchal oppressor so it is easy for them to betray him.I call people like this "Revenge School" feminists. But I doubt a lot of women actively seek out and affair in order to feel empowered. I suspect it's more likely that a woman becomes attracted to a man and wants to have an affair, so she rationalizes that the affair is justified because of centuries of men oppressing women's vaginas. (or, even more likely, her female friends encourage her to have an affair as a sign of being progressive and enlightened). But I think the affair probably comes first -- the feminist rationale is just used to give the woman justification for the affair.
EasyHeart Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 You are young and naive. There is no such thing as an "accidental" cheat. No conscious thought is involved with accidents. I think what you meant to say was "mistake" - but even that's a stretch.All my gray hairs beg to differ with you, but thanks for the compliment!!!
Woggle Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I call people like this "Revenge School" feminists. But I doubt a lot of women actively seek out and affair in order to feel empowered. I suspect it's more likely that a woman becomes attracted to a man and wants to have an affair, so she rationalizes that the affair is justified because of centuries of men oppressing women's vaginas. (or, even more likely, her female friends encourage her to have an affair as a sign of being progressive and enlightened). But I think the affair probably comes first -- the feminist rationale is just used to give the woman justification for the affair. This is true but when it happens you have a society that is ready to cheer them on with a you go girl attitude yet a man looks at some porn on a computer screen and it is a horrible sin.
joystickd Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 This is true but when it happens you have a society that is ready to cheer them on with a you go girl attitude yet a man looks at some porn on a computer screen and it is a horrible sin. The funny thing is the woman that usually cheer are single so usually this comes for a place of jealousy that they dont have anything good to go to at home.
oaks Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 7. Past history: Most cheaters cheat again. Definitely agree with this one. Eternal Sunshine, assuming you generally date people around your age then they're probably old enough to have had some relationship experience already... so find out how/why those relationships ended. (Not sure if this relates to your current guy - I hope not.) Oops I forgot multidaters: They are high risk for cheating since they already have all the practice they need. Pierre, yes, I was surprised you missed this from your list!
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I am curious to find out what do you think are personality traits/behaviors that make someone more prone to cheating in a relationship (male or female). Tell me if you are talking about male or female and then give me the list From my experience... Being female seems to be a top indicator that someone is prone to lieing and cheating.
aj22one Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 You know I don't think I'd care if a girl cheated on me, as long as she still wanted to stay married or in a relationship I'd let her do what she wanted. You really should have some self respect. Would you really be ok with a girl cheating on you? I suspect not.
oaks Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 From my experience... Being female seems to be a top indicator that someone is prone to lieing and cheating. That's a good point. No guy has ever cheated on me.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 That's a good point. No guy has ever cheated on me. I thought you were a guy. I'm sure that if I dated men... my experience would be flipped.
Chubbi Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Saying that everyone can cheat assumes that everyone will have a partner to cheat on at some point in their life. Hasn't it been proven already that the underlying assumption is false?
oaks Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I thought you were a guy. I'm sure that if I dated men... my experience would be flipped. Oh, I am! And the only people who have ever cheated on me have been women! I'm definitely seeing a pattern here!
OliveOyl Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think there are different reasons for cheating and therefore there is no one typical profile you can look at to determine risk factors for cheating. I think anyone is capable of cheating if there a perfect storm of events happening in one's life.
shocked_confused Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Hey guys! I don't think this was covered yet, but how about if a boyfriend's father has a history of cheating and has been married several times? Would the boyfriend be prone to following his dad's footsteps or would it have the opposite effect? What do you think?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 Interesting responses. My boyfriend doesn't have ANY of the risk factors mentioned. I, on the other hand have 90% of the risk factors :/
oaks Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 My boyfriend doesn't have ANY of the risk factors mentioned. I, on the other hand have 90% of the risk factors :/ Your bf sounds great with the way he puts up with your crazy. He's a keeper. Don't you dare cheat on him!
freestyle Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Low self-esteem---It can lead to a need for external validation......
anne1707 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Interesting responses. My boyfriend doesn't have ANY of the risk factors mentioned. I, on the other hand have 90% of the risk factors :/ So what do you plan to do about that? Do you think you can be proactive rather than reactive?
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Interesting responses. My boyfriend doesn't have ANY of the risk factors mentioned. I, on the other hand have 90% of the risk factors :/ Are you probably going to cheat because of the "low passion" relationship combined with all your risk factors?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 ......, no comment PS hot pic TC!
Eclypse Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 They tell you they'll never cheat on you without being prompted.
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