EasyHeart Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 He was into smoking spliffs a lot, and was apparently drunk and stoned with this female friend (who also enjoyed her dope) when he cheated. If somebody's the type to put themselves in that position (ie drunk, stoned and alone with an opposite sex friend) then I think they're probably going to cheat.Absolutely. Now that I think aboot it, I think that putting yourself in a position in which you have the opportunity to cheat is probably the best indicator. It's normal and healthy to be attracted to other people when you're in a marriage or relationship. The difference between cheaters and faithful people is how they respond to it: faithful people keep their distance from the people they are attracted to because they realize the potential to cheat; cheaters allow themselves to get into situations in which they have an opportunity to cheat. So now I think the biggest indicator of someone who might cheat is a person who thinks he/she will never cheat!
Taramere Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I never though I'd have a high risk of cheating on anyone (should I ever actually date anyone), but that's interesting, the whole insecure thing. I guess that explains why women run the other way: they know I have a high tendency to cheat, even if I never knew this. I don't know if women generally have that concern. I've heard some other women say it, though. It's often easier for a man to get sexual attention from other women if he already has a girlfriend. That's when female friends can suddenly get competitive and flirtatious. You've heard of women acting as men's "wing woman." So if it's a guy who gets "friend zoned" a lot...then yeah. I would be wary about the prospect of these female friends suddenly taking an interest in him on account of another woman having given him the "seal of approval...." and the sudden attention going to his head a bit.
fortyninethousand322 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I don't know if women generally have that concern. I've heard some other women say it, though. It's often easier for a man to get sexual attention from other women if he already has a girlfriend. That's when female friends can suddenly get competitive and flirtatious. You've heard of women acting as men's "wing woman." So if it's a guy who gets "friend zoned" a lot...then yeah. I would be wary about the prospect of these female friends suddenly taking an interest in him on account of another woman having given him the "seal of approval...." and the sudden attention going to his head a bit. I guess it's a catch 22, you'll either end up alone, or as a cheater.
Taramere Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Absolutely. Now that I think aboot it, I think that putting yourself in a position in which you have the opportunity to cheat is probably the best indicator. It's normal and healthy to be attracted to other people when you're in a marriage or relationship. The difference between cheaters and faithful people is how they respond to it: faithful people keep their distance from the people they are attracted to because they realize the potential to cheat; cheaters allow themselves to get into situations in which they have an opportunity to cheat. So now I think the biggest indicator of someone who might cheat is a person who thinks he/she will never cheat! That was that guy! You're supposed to trust the person when they're putting themselves in these situations, but it puts a great strain on a relationship. I'd already asked him about that friendship...because I knew they were having alone time, and when I met her (she was one of his work colleagues turned friend) she was quite flirtatious with him in front of me. He said that this little cow had referred to my "insecurity" (evidenced bythe fact that I'd asked him if there wasn't a likelihood of something happening between them when they were forming this close a friendship) had been a self fulfilling prophecy. Somehow I magically made it happen by expressing my feelings about the matter. Which is bull, of course. AS you say....while it's fine for opposite gender people to be good friends, that "alone together while drunk and stoned" situation is not a scenario anybody planning on staying faithful to a partner should be getting into. I think sometimes people get sucked into the business of pretending they're okay with things like that for fear of sounding jealous or insecure....but common sense decrees that if you want your relationship to work, neither of you should be getting into situations likethat.
tigressA Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Absolutely. Now that I think aboot it, I think that putting yourself in a position in which you have the opportunity to cheat is probably the best indicator. It's normal and healthy to be attracted to other people when you're in a marriage or relationship. The difference between cheaters and faithful people is how they respond to it: faithful people keep their distance from the people they are attracted to because they realize the potential to cheat; cheaters allow themselves to get into situations in which they have an opportunity to cheat. So now I think the biggest indicator of someone who might cheat is a person who thinks he/she will never cheat! This is a really great point. This is what my ex said to me. Lo and behold, he cheated. I think I may have said that at some point before too...and I cheated.
Emilia Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 On the face of it he was very chilled out, but I think there was a passive aggressive side to him. This. I know a guy that cheated on his wife for years and his self-pity and general self-absorbed tendencies were astonishing: 'she drove me to cheating by being horrible to me'. He also had the habit for sneaky little passive-aggressive come-backs as opposed to being upright and honest.
O'Malley Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I like American Life's and Taramere's lists, good insights. Compartmentalizing their relationships, keeping their family and social life separate. Especially if they have friends who repeatedly cheat, are 'players', or frequently indulge in drinking or other drugs. Someone who does not want to introduce you to or regularly socialize with his/her family or friends. Someone of either gender who subscribes to a 'boys will be boys' mentality to excuse and rationalize certain behaviors. Keeping in regular contact with exes (co-parenting is a different matter). There generally is some residual attraction remaining, either mutual or one sided. It can bring out the competitive instinct in the ex that Taramere mentioned.
Emilia Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Keeping in regular contact with exes (co-parenting is a different matter). There generally is some residual attraction remaining, either mutual or one sided. It can bring out the competitive instinct in the ex that Taramere mentioned. The person Taramere mentioned isn't an ex I keep in touch with most of my exes and I never sleep with any of them. I think it's generally a red herring if considered by itself without the personality traits mentioned on this thread.
RiverRunning Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 In men, I think risk factors for cheating include: an excitable/spontaneous personality (a craving for variety), a high opinion of himself (I'm attractive, I can get more women), a partner who others would see as less attractive than the man (men are happiest when the partner is better-looking than they are), Secretive Liar/Throws guilt back at you Opportunities to cheat - he knows a lot of women or he's close to women In women, affairs tend to be more often about revenge or reclaiming/building self-esteem for a perceived or actual affair committed by her partner. If she's spending more time taking care of her appearance than usual (and there is no other explanation for it), gone more often and letting go of other responsibilities (taking care of the kids, etc.), etc.
EasyHeart Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think we have to distinguish between different types of cheaters. There are predatory cheaters who fully intend on cheating and don't feel any remorse about it. There's nothing you can do about that sort except run away from them. (Of course, since they are practiced at cheating, they will do whatever they can to throw you off the trail). But I think most people who cheat honestly don't expect to cheat and are surprised when they do. I think of them as more 'accidental' cheaters. I think pretty much anyone has the potential to cheat.
Severely Unamused Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think of them as more 'accidental' cheaters.Is "accidental" really the best word to use? I "accidentally" ate that muffin while I was on my diet.
BeyondtheClouds Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think we have to distinguish between different types of cheaters. There are predatory cheaters who fully intend on cheating and don't feel any remorse about it. There's nothing you can do about that sort except run away from them. (Of course, since they are practiced at cheating, they will do whatever they can to throw you off the trail). But I think most people who cheat honestly don't expect to cheat and are surprised when they do. I think of them as more 'accidental' cheaters. I think pretty much anyone has the potential to cheat. I have been thinking of these types and how to avoid them. I was reading another message board about infidelity. One of the posters admitted that her husband was a serial cheater and I could not understand why she would want to salvage the marriage. For the other type of cheater, I could understand wanting to work things out when there are children. So what would be the early warning signals of a serial cheater. I was thinking someone who even after the vow of exclusivity and the meshing of two people's lives, he or she still insists on never opening e-mail, FB and cellphone accounts. OR what do you guys think?
O'Malley Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 The person Taramere mentioned isn't an ex I keep in touch with most of my exes and I never sleep with any of them. I think it's generally a red herring if considered by itself without the personality traits mentioned on this thread. I'm aware of that, but I am specifically mentioning it in the context of an ex turned friend. I don't doubt that there are some exceptions to the rule, but we've all witnessed the ex turned friend situation, where one of the parties involved is using the pretense of friendship as emotional or sexual leverage. I'd be cautious of any situation where there was still an ex regularly in the picture and would want to see the interaction between them before I became further involved.
Taramere Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Here's a list in wiki (again) which seems fairly comprehensive in relation to circumstances that could apply very generally Opportunistic infidelity occurs when a partner is in love and attached to a partner, but surrenders to their sexual desire for someone else. The opportunistic infidelity is driven by irrepressible, situational circumstances and/or opportunity, and sometimes, pure risk-taking behavior. Obligatory infidelity is based on fear that refraining from someone's sexual advances will result in rejection, and being unwilling to handle such rejection, resulting in surrender to them. Some people end up cheating solely on the need for approval from somebody, even though they still hold a strong attraction to their committed partner. Romantic infidelity occurs when the cheater is in the process of "falling out of love" with his/her partner. The person's self-perceived obligatory commitment to the relationship's tenets and overall life-meaning is likely the only thing still keeping them with their partner in this example. Conflicted romantic infidelity takes place when a person both falls in love with and has a strong sexual desire for multiple people at one time, even though s/he may already be committed to a partner. In this circumstance the person feels s/he cannot tell his/her committed partner about what has happened, but is in any unable to resist the compulsion; this lack of open discussion is usually what separates conflicted romantic infidelity from things like a well-defined open relationship or polyamory. Commemorative infidelity occurs when a person has completely fallen out of love with their spouse, but is still in a committed relationship with them
Pierre Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I have been told anyone can cheat in the right situation. For example a married upright honest married man marooned in an island may have sex with an available female. However, lets leave the exceptional cases out of the equation: Risk factors are: 1. Family of origin (FOO or memes). 2. Dishonesty in other areas. 3. Insecurity. 4. Extreme need for external validation. 5. Ability to lie well and how to live in two different compartments. 6. Ability to rationalize and justify. 7. Past history: Most cheaters cheat again.
Pierre Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Oops I forgot multidaters: They are high risk for cheating since they already have all the practice they need.
loversquarrel Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think we have to distinguish between different types of cheaters. There are predatory cheaters who fully intend on cheating and don't feel any remorse about it. There's nothing you can do about that sort except run away from them. (Of course, since they are practiced at cheating, they will do whatever they can to throw you off the trail). But I think most people who cheat honestly don't expect to cheat and are surprised when they do. I think of them as more 'accidental' cheaters. I think pretty much anyone has the potential to cheat. You are young and naive. There is no such thing as an "accidental" cheat. No conscious thought is involved with accidents. I think what you meant to say was "mistake" - but even that's a stretch.
Quiet Storm Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 conflict avoiders poor boundaries impulsive seeks outside validation I don't think that everyone has the potential to cheat. There are no "accidental" cheaters, IMO. A person with strong boundaries will not cheat. I am married and never put myself in a position where a line could be crossed. Saying that cheating happened accidentally is just an excuse for having poor boundaries. It is normal to be attracted to or intrigued by others. If you find yourself in that position, you have two options. You can feed that attraction by engaging, talking, flirting. Or you can recognize that the attraction poses a danger to your relationship, and distance yourself. Conflict avoiders won't address issues in their relationship, because it makes them uncomfortable. They will look to others to meet their needs, because it is easier than confronting their problems. Many women cheaters seek outside validation and are easy to spot. They are flirty and seek men out for attention. Shy guys often end up with these types because men don't have to approach these women...they come to him. He will just think she is just friendly and outgoing, but his attention alone will never be enough for her. Women with Borderline Personality Disorder or Histronic Personality Disorder (or traits of these disorders) will often cheat. These women are very dramatic and moody. One day they'll love you, the next day they'll hate you. They'll cheat on you to avenge some perceived wrong, then when you try to break up with them, they'll cry and play the victim. Many men don't consider cheating as a threat to their relationship if they are only seeking variety. They love their wives, but feel entitled to have flings on the side. They have no plans to leave their primary relationship and often consider themselves "happily married". They don't consider their wife's feelings, and will say she is overreacting if she is upset by it. If his wife cheats, he will be devasted.
Pierre Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think we have to distinguish between different types of cheaters. There are predatory cheaters who fully intend on cheating and don't feel any remorse about it. There's nothing you can do about that sort except run away from them. (Of course, since they are practiced at cheating, they will do whatever they can to throw you off the trail). But I think most people who cheat honestly don't expect to cheat and are surprised when they do. I think of them as more 'accidental' cheaters. I think pretty much anyone has the potential to cheat. You can post stuff like that till the cows come home. However, at some point the cheater needs to cross a line and at that point the cheater is aware that he (or she) is crossing the line. Crossing the line is not an accident.
Woggle Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 With female cheaters some of them consider it to be some act of female empowerment. They were the poor little wife all those years in their mind and now they are finally doing something for themselves and reclaiming their identity. They put their husbands in the position of being the patriarchal oppressor so it is easy for them to betray him.
fortyninethousand322 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 You know I don't think I'd care if a girl cheated on me, as long as she still wanted to stay married or in a relationship I'd let her do what she wanted.
blueskyday Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Gosh, I hope not. You deserve better than that, and if you love someone deeply, you won't want to share them or hurt them... That said, fidelity is a decision, not a feeling. I heard that some time ago, and it is true.
phineas Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I am curious to find out what do you think are personality traits/behaviors that make someone more prone to cheating in a relationship (male or female). Tell me if you are talking about male or female and then give me the list I havn't figured it out with women i'm seeing. I can suspect someone a cheater (man or woman) out of people I know to have a signicant other just by observing them around the opposite sex (and usually am right) but I can't go out with someone & pick up on a red flag that they will cheat on me.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Well, since I'm in an unfortunate position to consider the life histories of men from all walks of life in my pursuit of a relationship... I have to admit there are situations where I might give a guy a chance if he cheated before... especially if it happened a long time ago. Even the US government stops at 10 years on their security clearances. I smoked pot a few times when I was in my early twenties. That was nearly three decades ago. Pretty sure I'm not a druggie. So, here's a hypothetical. Lets say there are two people... they get sloppy drunk one night, drive home drunk, and end up killing someone. Both were drunk. Both made a choice to drink. Both are responsible. Person #1 has been a drunk for years... regularly drinks and drives. It is pure dumb luck they haven't killed anyone in the past. Person #2 just found out their spouse/parent/child died. In a fit of desperation, they head down to the local bar and end up having a few too many. Has never happened before. Not the sloppy drunk or the driving. They do their time, pay the fines, and it never happens again. (I guess I'm kinda thinking of the guy on It's a wonderful life... the one who almost kills the kid because he prescribes the wrong medicine). Which person is more capable or deserving of forgiveness?? In the case of cheating... I would take into strong consideration if it happened a long time ago, they had a history of successful, faithful relationships since then, and, this is probably the biggest one... they confessed to the person they cheated on and tried to make amends. If all those things are in place, I'd consider giving them a chance.
Art_Critic Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Which person is more capable or deserving of forgiveness?? I get where you are coming from but I think your Hypo is a fail... In your scenario BOTH of those people have an equal capability or deserving of being forgiven and both deserve it the same.. To not think so would be extremely cold..IMO.. In order to forgive someone who is a drunk you must first separate the person from the alcoholic.. then all is equal.
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