BardoPond Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Hey all, Been lurking here for a couple of weeks, reading about people experiences has become a bit of an obsession, but I thought it time to see if the same magic could be worked for me. So my gf broke up with me about a month a half ago. I'm twenty and she's eighteen. She said that she loved me but she has been with me since she was so young (we've been together for nearly three years) and she doesn't want to be afraid of it just being her and on top of that she had just started collage and with work and that there was a lot of stress and she didn't think she could handle it all. The next day she runs to my house in the pouring rain and tells me she doesn't want to be without me etc etc. I spend the next two days at her house as her folks have gone on holiday, I cooked and was around for general comfort as she was doing collage work. I'll left at the end of the second day and we started texting but she was very distant and cold and after spending what felt like forever trying to get a straight answer out of her she told me the same problems were still there she can't do it anymore. She said she was sorry and then didn't reply. I was obviously quite upset, this has essentially been my first love and while I'm sure it seems quite naive we had our life planned and such so it was quite a shock, but I had decided to respect her decision to give her her space so I didn't contact her. I would like to point out that at this stage in the break up I had read nothing I didn't know about NC and what have you. We didn't the facebook status change and all that and I was generally a broke individual the whole time, I hadn't cried in a very long time before this but good lord I cried my little heart out for the first week. This is where things started getting difficult. The break up had been pretty amiable and while I was upset I was still behind her decision and I guess to a degree I thought we would end up back together but a week after the break up I saw her come on msn and decided to give her a shout and see how she was doing, I genuinely wasn't looking for anything other than to see how she was doing as I still cared about her regardless of the situation, but during the conversation she was really ****ty with me for no reason and just left the conversation with no reason. I was pretty angry after that but I said nothing, my thinking was she was probably stressed or tired or what have you and thought it best to not start something over nothing. I went about another week of not talking, she had mentioned in the conversation that she wouldn't be at home on halloween so I used that as an opportunity to drop her stuff back to her. About a week after that I accidentally deleted her off of facebook (I really don't know how to use facebook, I was trying to block her as I was pretty sure she had blocked me but when I tried to unblock her it deleted her) and I thought I shouldn't bring it to her attention so I left it. A day later I was told by a mutual friend that she had noticed and she was annoyed so I sent her a text to tell her it was accidental and I added her again and left it at that, she didn't accept the friend request and I took the request back this week after it being there for the past two or three weeks. She then dropped all of my stuff back about a week after that while I wasn't at home, she said nothing to any of my family when she was here, she just dropped it off and left. She gave me back everything but the jewelery I had bought for her, she even gave me back a blu ray player I had bought her a few weeks prior to the break up which I had no use for. I decided to send her a text to tell her she could take the blu ray player back. She outright ignored both of those texts. At this point I was kind of confused, I hadn't do anything really wrong and I couldn't understand why she couldn't at least tell me she didn't want to talk, it wasn't like we ended on bad terms and all the anger and negativity was coming from her. Again I decided to leave it go, at this point I had read enough to know of NC and decided to give that a go and just focused on me for the time being. About a week passed by with NC. And then everything went to ****. I woke up on a sunday morning to find out that she had a facebook confirmed boyfriend. I was devastated, I felt a bit betrayed by the fact that it only took her a month (that's how long the break up was at that point) to move on but while I felt quite angry I was mostly just depressed and I went to a friends house and got everything off of my chest there and said nothing to her (I was quite proud of myself). My friend had to go do sound for a gig that day and we planned to meet up for a cup of tea later that evening and it was there that I found out that she had started seeing this guy a week after she had broken up with me but that wasn't it. I figured out that the guy she was going out with now was a guy that she had spent two weeks with in Holland while she was going over to visit her brother. I was confused, angry and very upset. While I don't think that she physically cheated on me I find it very hard to believe that there was no emotional connection made with him before she broke up with me. I'll have to apologise now but I sort of snapped. I told her that she was a selfish bitch and she made me sick (I honestly don't feel it was harsh, I think it's the truth but I feel I let myself down by saying it to her) and I asked her to make some time for me to explain herself. I would like to point out here that she had broken up with me through text and had made no effort to meet face to face or talk me through exactly what happened to us as I thought her reasons for breaking up with me were vague at best to begin with. But she then sent me an e-mail telling me that she didn't love me anymore and that she didn't want to deal with me anymore (more on that in a minute) was the real reason for breaking up with me and that her new boyfriend makes her happy. She's like to be friends but she understands if I don't want to. I couldn't really give an accurate description of this without talking a little about me. I suffer from some sort of emotional disorder, bi-polar or just general depression, and I go through down time I become really depressed and I can be very quiet but I would like to stress that I've never been abusive or violent. I don't think I'd ever win an award for world's best boyfriend but when I'm in my right mind I think I'm a great boyfriend. I'm supportive, affectionate and generally fun to be around (not trying to sound cocky, I am fully aware I'm not perfect). She would get worried about me when I was down and I understood that but she had helped me a lot and I thought I was getting better and I wanted to be better for her and when I was right I openly told her that. And I would like to say that I have since gone to the doctors about it and have started taking medication and am looking at therapy. At this moment I haven't talked to her in a week and a half and it upsets me to say that I really hate her for what she has done and how she has handled this. People have told me that she may well end up coming back, I read an article about GIGs and it sound pretty spot on really as her character has completely changed since the break up, but I really can't see us ever being okay. I don't think I was ever perfect but I loved her more than anything in the world and I told her as much and I thought she loved me too but everything she had done since the break up has seemed immature and disrespectful. I've ceased looking for closure from her and have started trying to work on myself (got a job, picked back up my spirituality) but there is still the gaping disconnect in my life and I guess I'd like some feedback (if anyone could actually be bothered reading all of this little essay). Am I wrong to be so angry? Is she in the wrong for doing things the way she has? Did she really leave me for this guy? Is that relationship real now? I am confused on most aspects of this and any insight would be greatly appreciated as I think it's really holding me back at the minute. Thank you in advance.
Veryconfused12345 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Hi There, Sorry to hear you're going through all of this drama, I can imagine you're feeling really frustrated and if anything like me, have devoted waaaaay more of your emotional energy than you have on thinking through every aspect of the breakup. I know it's pretty empty right now, but take some comfort from knowing every person on this forum is going through a similar set of emotions. It sounds like your ex is very awkwardly (as can be expected from a girl still finding her way around relationships at the age of 18) attempting to explore the dating scene. It sounds like you've been a supportive and kind boyfriend so stop yourself from examining too deeply what if anything you had to do with this. She's probably enjoying being the focus of guy's attention and while she might be very attached to you, unfortunately it sounds like her ego is coming first in all of this. So the bad news is, and this is from personal experience having once been an 18 year old girl, that she's trying to push you to get angry and freak out at her so she can feel justified in ending things with you. If someone doesn't have the emotional maturity to end things kindly and with finality then that's more a sign that they don't want to take the responsibility to be "the bad guy". So the good news is, if you can keep your cool and distance yourself completely from the situation (and this means keep it polite and as NC as you can) I have a feeling that she will revisit your relationship at some point and regret how she's treated you and the relationship. You don't want to be the angry ex watching her every move. Nothing drives a girl more crazy than if a guy is so confident in himself and his worth that he doesn't come after her. Suddenly it becomes, "wait, I thought you were infatuated with me, why aren't you chasing after me?" Let her date this new guy, I have a feeling it probably won't last all that long. On the other side of this you can revisit the relationship and what happened but you need to be patient and just remind yourself that you need to be the mature one, if only for your own dignity. Whether this relationship works or not, you'll find yourself in another relationship at some point where you're going to be very happy with yourself for navigating this situation with your integrity intact. Good luck with all of this!
Author BardoPond Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 Hi There, Sorry to hear you're going through all of this drama, I can imagine you're feeling really frustrated and if anything like me, have devoted waaaaay more of your emotional energy than you have on thinking through every aspect of the breakup. I know it's pretty empty right now, but take some comfort from knowing every person on this forum is going through a similar set of emotions. It sounds like your ex is very awkwardly (as can be expected from a girl still finding her way around relationships at the age of 18) attempting to explore the dating scene. It sounds like you've been a supportive and kind boyfriend so stop yourself from examining too deeply what if anything you had to do with this. She's probably enjoying being the focus of guy's attention and while she might be very attached to you, unfortunately it sounds like her ego is coming first in all of this. So the bad news is, and this is from personal experience having once been an 18 year old girl, that she's trying to push you to get angry and freak out at her so she can feel justified in ending things with you. If someone doesn't have the emotional maturity to end things kindly and with finality then that's more a sign that they don't want to take the responsibility to be "the bad guy". So the good news is, if you can keep your cool and distance yourself completely from the situation (and this means keep it polite and as NC as you can) I have a feeling that she will revisit your relationship at some point and regret how she's treated you and the relationship. You don't want to be the angry ex watching her every move. Nothing drives a girl more crazy than if a guy is so confident in himself and his worth that he doesn't come after her. Suddenly it becomes, "wait, I thought you were infatuated with me, why aren't you chasing after me?" Let her date this new guy, I have a feeling it probably won't last all that long. On the other side of this you can revisit the relationship and what happened but you need to be patient and just remind yourself that you need to be the mature one, if only for your own dignity. Whether this relationship works or not, you'll find yourself in another relationship at some point where you're going to be very happy with yourself for navigating this situation with your integrity intact. Good luck with all of this! Thank you very much for your time. You are right, I understand what she's doing but the way she is doing it has disgusted me to be honest, I believed her and I believed in her and it all seems to have lead to me being the butt of a big joke to be honest. I do feel I shouldn't have said anything to her after I found about her new boyfriend and you're right there I would like to be able to keep my head held high when all is said and done and I'm quite sure that I won't be making any more attempts to get in contact. I'm starting to move forward but I can't shake the sick feeling in my stomach when I think about them together, and even now she is constantly on my mind. I just hate that I can't see through it yet. Again, thank you very much for your reply, I know a lot of people here were dealing with the same stuff and I've found it pretty comforting to know I wasn't alone in this.
Lowib Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 okay man, first thing, take a deep breath. I'm 25, and I just went through the exact same thing you did. My ex was 20 and left for another guy and created her emotional bond with him while with me. I know it stings. You feel useless, worthless, and your relationship was a joke. But, don't feel that way man. I am only 3 weeks NC and I am starting to feel better. It's normal to feel hurt and betrayed but she isn't the whole world. Trust me, I thought that about my ex, and so do 100's of others on here. So, really how can we say she was the world's greatest girl when 100 other guys are claiming the same thing? Bottom line, there are a whole ton of girls out there who can replace this immature 18 year old. The best thing for you is to take time and focus on you. Just simply forget about her. DO NOT CONTACT HER. Go to the gym, starting playing an instrument, and join some group or class. The point is to get busy and start improving yourself. By doing this, you will be so overwhelmed with the new things you're doing that you will think about her less and less. You might also meet someone by getting out there and meeting new people. If it's meant to be, it will happen. They come back when you care the least. So, if you really want her back, stop giving her the attention she doesn't deserve and I guarantee by the time she comes back, you won't want her back. You're 20, go have fun buddy, you're free!
Author BardoPond Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 okay man, first thing, take a deep breath. I'm 25, and I just went through the exact same thing you did. My ex was 20 and left for another guy and created her emotional bond with him while with me. I know it stings. You feel useless, worthless, and your relationship was a joke. But, don't feel that way man. I am only 3 weeks NC and I am starting to feel better. It's normal to feel hurt and betrayed but she isn't the whole world. Trust me, I thought that about my ex, and so do 100's of others on here. So, really how can we say she was the world's greatest girl when 100 other guys are claiming the same thing? Bottom line, there are a whole ton of girls out there who can replace this immature 18 year old. The best thing for you is to take time and focus on you. Just simply forget about her. DO NOT CONTACT HER. Go to the gym, starting playing an instrument, and join some group or class. The point is to get busy and start improving yourself. By doing this, you will be so overwhelmed with the new things you're doing that you will think about her less and less. You might also meet someone by getting out there and meeting new people. If it's meant to be, it will happen. They come back when you care the least. So, if you really want her back, stop giving her the attention she doesn't deserve and I guarantee by the time she comes back, you won't want her back. You're 20, go have fun buddy, you're free! At this point I don't really see her coming back, I don't really know where the trust is supposed to come from now and she doesn't even seem like the same person anymore. But I've gone complete NC, I haven't even looked at her facebook page this week so I'm quite proud of myself. The biggest problem is that I'm not a very social person. I think that was one of the things I liked most about her, we were very happy (or at least I thought we were) hanging out and what have you. I know I need to get out there but it's going to be a serious change and I don't really know how to go about it. I've made a lot of changes since the break up, hopefully all of them for the better. I no longer expect anything from her but I can't shake the feeling that if she does choose to contact me again, it'll be at the worst possible moment for me. I hope you're right though, thanks for the advice.
Lowib Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I know what you mean man, my ex was a social butterfly. I am not as social either but I`m finding ways to be more social. She may never contact you again, but keep the attitude that you don`t care and you`ll believe it soon. You sound like a good guy and you`ll do fine. Keep me posted how things shape up. Best of luck man.
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