Question for those of you who are children of divorced parents

[Sark]

My mom and dad got divorced when I was 17. My mom, now, regrets going through with it. I almost want to say my dad does too.

[Soxfaninfl]

My mom and dad got divorced when I was 17. My mom, now, regrets going through with it. I almost want to say my dad does too.

 

How come they never reconciled then? Divorced couples some times get back together.

[somedude81]

My parents divorced when I was three and my brother and I were raised by our mom who never remarried.

 

She was mentally, emotionally and somewhat physically abusive.

 

When I was 13, she had some major health issues and my brother (10 years old) and I moved in with our dad and his new wife. Within a month of moving, in the step-mother was pregnant. Naturally she was more concerned with her baby than my brother and I.

 

A few years later my Dad and step-mother did the stupidest thing and bought a three bedroom house. Since neither my brother nor I wanted to share a room with a toddler we shared a room till I moved out at 22. And because we had absolutely no privacy and were always stuck with each other, we started to hate each other. Even now eight years later I moved out, my brother and I don't talk.

 

I feel that my parents divorcing and what happened after that pretty much screwed up my life. I recently realized that maybe the reason I'm desperate to get a GF is so I can get the love from a woman that I believe didn't get from my mother or step-mother. My mom and I talk and I know she loves me, but it's just not enough. My brother and I can't stand each other and he tried to kill himself a few years ago.

 

I know the divorce was unavoidable but I really wish my parents put me in therapy when I started showing negative signs as a kid, and there were many. I was an extremely unhappy child. My dad and step-mother screwed up for having a kid so soon. She pressured him, wanting to keep the kids ages close or some crap. Yeah, there is already a 10 year gap between my brother and half-brother, a 15 year gap wouldn't make any difference. Letting my brother and I have our own rooms would have made things in that house so much more bearable. If that wasn't possible, then they should have split us up and have my younger brother stay with our mom.

 

I have no doubt that my childhood really screwed me up and I am struggling to make things work.

Edited February 15, 2012 by somedude81

[RecordProducer]

And because we had absolutely no privacy and were always stuck with each other, we started to hate each other. Even now eight years later I moved out, my brother and I don't talk.

I am so sorry. Thanks so much forsharing your story, SD.

 

I feel that my parents divorcing and what happened after that pretty much screwed up my life.

I think divorces bring the worst in people. Once faced with a situation where you have strangers in your home (anyone other than your parents or siblings), you start to feel anger and hatred due to the innustice done to you - feelings that bring both destructive and self-distructive urges.

 

I recently realized that maybe the reason I'm desperate to get a GF is so I can get the love from a woman that I believe didn't get from my mother or step-mother.

Maybe the "desperate" extent of it, but basically, that just means you're a healthy guy who needs the love of a woman. Love is a very strong need. Nature made it so so we can reproduce. Don't listen to people who tell you that you have to first be happy on your own and a woman is just an addition to your life - like a deck that you build after you've paid all your debts. Love is a major emotional and existential necessity, don't think of it as a problem.

 

My mom and I talk and I know she loves me, but it's just not enough.

It's enough for a mother's love, but can't replace a GF. Forgive your mom for whatever "mischief" she committed in your mind - your life will be easier.

My brother and I can't stand each other and he tried to kill himself a few years ago.

Your relationship is not like that because you lived together in the same bedroom as teenagers. You two obviously can't get along, you're different characters and this is why you couldn't stand each other then, as well as now. In other words, the shared bedroom is not the cause of your dysfunctional relationship. I know plenty of kids who shared bedrooms (almost everyone in my former country where almost no apartment has more than two bedrooms). I also know way too many siblings who don't talk to each other as adults.

 

I know the divorce was unavoidable but I really wish my parents put me in therapy when I started showing negative signs as a kid, and there were many. I was an extremely unhappy child.

I was too, but i kinda doubt therapy helps with kids. I'd like to hear from an adult who thinks therapy helped him or her as a child.

 

My dad and step-mother screwed up for having a kid so soon. She pressured him, wanting to keep the kids ages close or some crap.

Letting my brother and I have our own rooms would have made things in that house so much more bearable.

True. But what if your parents remained together and you shared a room with your brother anyway?

I have no doubt that my childhood really screwed me up and I am struggling to make things work.

So sorry. You have to find a way to let go of the past and move on.

[zengirl]

ETA: I should add probably the reason my parents had a marriage that lasted 9 years (3 before me) was because they worked different shifts for 2nd-7th year. After 2 years of being back on the same shift, they hated each other pretty badly. Time spent apart did them good in the beginning. I can never remember them happy, but, like I said, I was only 6 when they split up. Lots of fighting first, though not volatile fighting like my Dad/stepmom---more normal stuff.

 

Interesting reads. I'm sorry to hear that so many of these seem so sad.

 

I'm a 'child of divorce' and our life improved greatly after the divorce. Well, my biological father's life didn't quite improve greatly, but it didn't get worse and got better for awhile. He's three times divorced now, but my mother was his first marriage, and I'm his only child.

 

My story: Parents divorced when I was 6 because they are ill-suited, never got along, and my father chronically cheated on my mother. My father has been unfaithful at other times to women, but he was faithful to my first step-mother for the whole marriage (his longest) so I do not necessarily chalk up ALL the problems in my parents marriage to my father's cheating. He was also an alcoholic (still is, though he's always been able to hold a job and such; he's high-functioning) and my mother had her own batch of problems. For one, she suffered from OCD for much of my life and crushingly low self-esteem until she got counseling after the divorce; she was also abused (emotionally and physically) as a child.

 

Mom got counseling prior to leaving my father and continued it for the bulk of my childhood, getting gradually better, filed papers when I was 6 and we moved out together. My father moved in with my stepmother, got minimal custody of me, saw me every other weekend for awhile until an incident with my stepmother caused him to lose visitation (they had a physical altercation while I was present---neither one had the upper hand there; they were both physically violent, so they were abusing each other; my step-mother ended it by throwing a mirror at him, which was when I called my Mom and asked to go home). But divorce didn't make those things happen---divorce gave me a safe place to go away from those things. Having a ****ty person as a father made those things happen; thank goodness I had a great mother.

 

Meanwhile, Mom re-married when I was 8. Stepfather was awesome---best Dad in the world---and I had a reasonably happy and uneventful childhood for awhile. My father and stepmother got counseling and both stopped drinking (her for good, him for awhile) and seemed happy; they launched a successful business---heck, he was even a millionaire for a time, though things got harder later with the volatile economy---and they stayed married for awhile longer. I visited them sometimes when I was in middle and HS again but not super-regularly as I was a busy kid and we already had lost the feeling of being close family. Honestly, they feel more like an uncle and aunt to me or something. Anyway, I had a great family---only one was a bio-parent, but that's okay. I thank the universe every day that my parents got divorced when I was still young enough to get a proper family.

 

We all have dysfunction. My mother was no less dysfunctional and ****ed up than my father---she just chose to get better. My father didn't. Sometimes marriages aren't about people not being 'better' at all, and the marriage creates the toxicity, but I don't think staying stuck in toxic situations helps anyone. Whenever someone says a family should stay together "for the kids," it makes me cringe. But we all have our own experiences.

 

Nor do I think my father was a terrible dad because he didn't "love" me. I'm sure he does. He just sucks at it, just like he sucks at loving anyone, including himself. I'm not angry at my dad; I pity him. Maybe I would be angry if I didn't get a great Dad (my stepdad) out of it, I guess. I was lucky. And I think even if my Mom and Stepdad had ever divorced---in fact, I know it, because we talked about what would happen if Mom died or they got divorced---my Stepdad would still try to be my Dad (nowadays, he just still would be, of course, because there's no need to fight for custody of an adult, so no "trying" necessary).

 

I'm not sure I agree with the position that a stepparent should never be in a position to discipline a stepchild. I do appreciate that pretty much everybody who has contributed to this thread had an awful dynamic with their stepparent, but fortunately that's not always the case, and that's the kind of thing that really needs to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis IMO. A fully-involved stepparent is also taking responsibility for that child, is probably often going to be alone with them and in charge of them, and it's not really practical or desirable to have an adult taking responsibility for a child while incapable of ever meting out any discipline.

 

Agreed. My Stepfather disciplined me on many occasions---always in accordance with the way he and my mother had discussed raising me, of course, but all parents should make those choices together---and it never created any problems in the relationship. If you have a real relationship with your step-parents, they're going to act like parents. Discipline is just one form love takes with kids.

Edited March 5, 2012 by zengirl

[standtall]

My parents got divorced when I was 12 after cheating on one another for a while. I don't know who cheated first, and I have asked/teased them(as an adult) and they both say the other started first.....who knows. They got along much better divorced than married. My mother was a dish chucker who wanted an alpha male, and my father is very passive, so they were not suited for one another. My mother remarried within a year or 2, and has been married since...25 yrs or so. Step father was an old hard ass. We got along OK as a teenager, but much better as adults. My dad remarried a few years after her and had 2 more children. His 2nd wife was/is a narcissistic nut job, and I have come to the conclusion that he has bad taste in women and allows the little head to do his thinking. Now everybody gets along and actually have meaningful relationships with one another, except for his 2nd ex wife. If the industrial world collapses and we go cannibal, I'll eat her first.

Edited March 7, 2012 by standtall