Question for those of you who are children of divorced parents

[Woggle]

My parents split up when I was 12 after my mother got more and more involved in her misandrist cult. She dated a mobster once who was actually the only man I ever saw her show an ounce of kindness to but that is it. Nowadays she has pretty much alienated everybody except for a few people from her misandrist cult. She seems utterly miserable.

 

My father was just defeated after their divorce. He didn't know why my mother turned on him and was just shell shocked. A few years after that though he loved being on his own without her criticizing his every move. After that he really blossomed and is having the time of his life. He dates women all the time but has no desire to ever commit to one again. He is retired now and is having the time of his life. I respect him as well for looking me in the eye and apologizing for doing nothing about my mother's abuse.

[setsenia]

So, how did this develop? Is he still married to this woman? If yes, for how long? Do you still like her? Or did she collect the green card and one day didn't come back from the grocery store?

 

Well, they were together 5 years and she obtained her citizenship earlier this year and filed for divorce a few months later. Divorce was finalized in September. My dad acts like he's so heartbroken even though he got himself into that mess and even made it clear to all of us that he only married her to help her obtain her green card and get her daughter into the U.S. I think he sponsored the daughter. They are stil friends surprisingly. My dad knew what he was getting himself into, because he otherwise doesn't believe in marriage. He even told me one time before marrying her that he didn't plan to get married again.

Edited December 14, 2011 by setsenia

[RecordProducer]

I come here for guidance like everyone else, not to be judged.

I don't know why you think I was judging you by noticing that you sounded sad. We judge people for being or doing something bad. Being sad doesn't make you a bad person.

 

He dates women all the time but has no desire to ever commit to one again. He is retired now and is having the time of his life.

Is he really happy just dating and not committing? I'm just curious because I wonder if single people realize that 'not committing' actually means they'll be alone when they're 70, 80...

 

Well, they were together 5 years and she obtained her citizenship earlier this year and filed for divorce a few months later.

I knew it! Sorry, it's not funny, but your dad consciously decided to help a woman half his age and her daughter. I think that was very noble of him to do it. (AND he got some free ass while doing it. )

[Negative Nancy]

What's your story?

 

How old were you when your parents split up? Did your parents re-marry or live with someone? How were you treated by either involved party? How did things affect you? Please, tell me as much detail as possible and how you felt about your situation. Thanks.

 

I will post my story (and my kids' story) in a bit (I need to leave the house now).

 

i was 2 or 3 when my parents split up, so i did not really notice anything about it. my dad stayed in the same town and came around every weekend and during the week, so i did not really miss anything with regards to not seeing him as much anymore. my parents also split amicable, so there was never any hate or a post-divorce war going on. why they split? i dont know. my mother says my father cheated and my father said my mother cheated. what it boils down to i guess is that both were too young and maybe not compatible.

 

my mother remarried when i was 8, and this man brought my stepbrother into the family and we moved into his house. objectively i must admit he is a good man, but subjectively i never accepted him cos he tried to take on too much of the father role and stuck his nose too far into my business, and my mother was on his side most of the time. my father never remarried.

Edited December 14, 2011 by Negative Nancy

[Woggle]

My father is very happy single. Anytime a woman starts remotely referring to commitment he dumps them. He loves being able to live life without being screamed and being forced. to apologize for his existence like he was when he was with my mother. He is in remarkably good shape for a man his age and is a player. He never lies to women or misleads them though.

[RecordProducer]

my mother remarried when i was 8, and this man brought my stepbrother into the family and we moved into his house. objectively i must admit he is a good man, but subjectively i never accepted him cos he tried to take on too much of the father role and stuck his nose too far into my business, and my mother was on his side most of the time. my father never remarried.

Hm, that's interesting. Did you feel he loved you? Because father role doesn't mean anything without fatherly feelings.

 

He loves being able to live life without being screamed and being forced. to apologize for his existence like he was when he was with my mother.

But, not all women are like your mother. Woggle, I have a question for you: did you ever feel that your mother loved you? Are you just chronically angry at her because she was far from perfect or because you genuinely feel like she didn't love you as much as she should have?

 

He is in remarkably good shape for a man his age and is a player. He never lies to women or misleads them though.

But you are happily married, right? And you married relatively young. So, you probably favor that warm and cozy feeling of being with someone you know well, someone you can trust and rely on. Don't you think people who are players are missing on a great thing? I mean, dating around is nothing more than temporary fun. Those people are not going to offer you support, comfort and help when you most need it. They're not going to be by your side when you're sick or still go to bed with you when you're broke. What do you think?

[Woggle]

My mother was truly a sicko. This is a woman who used to come in my bedroom with a knife and threaten to give me a sex change because she hated having a boy.

 

I don't believe all women are like my mother but my father gave twenty years of his life trying to make her happy and being a loving, faithful and supportive husband and this is how she repays him. I don't blame him one bit for not wanting to share his house with a woman again. He goes home and doesn't have to apologize for his existence anymore and he will never give that up.

 

I am very happily married but I know that what we have is a truly rare thing. When I view the marriages some others have I would take being a player any day over that. My father truly seens happy for the first time I have seen in his life and is having a ball. What is so wrong with that?

[Pyro]

What's your story?

 

How old were you when your parents split up? Did your parents re-marry or live with someone? How were you treated by either involved party? How did things affect you? Please, tell me as much detail as possible and how you felt about your situation. Thanks.

 

I was 14 when I first found out that my mom was sneaking behind my Dads back with her boss (he was sneaking behind his wifes back as well). I was angry and disliked my mom for many years. For the sake of us kids (and being married 18 years at the time) they did try to work things out but my mom continued to sneak around.

 

My Dad had enough and found work out of state. I wanted to follow because I did not want to see my mom but I was hesitant to switch schools but I eventually decided to and I was gone and it was great......at first. I then discovered that my Dad was a drug user and he was a liar.

 

At this point I was angry and had no direction. I didn't know what to do as I didn't want to be with either parent but I chose my Dad as the lesser of two evils as my mom had just moved in with her boss to a new condo. This was part of the reason why I started smoking weed and experimenting with other drugs.....to get away from my parents.

 

My mom eventually remarried her boss and they are still together (11 years married) but he is a drunk loser, but for the most part he has been nice to me and has been nice to CE.

 

My Dad is a workaholic but everytime I see him he is in a good mood. I am pretty sure he has come to terms with his marriage ending and enjoys being by himself. I haven't seen or heard of him having any sort of GF since the marriage ended, but if he is happy then more power to him.

 

I finally came to terms with my Moms actions. She was wrong for doing what she did but she is a better place now and my Dad was no angel either (he was in a motorcycle club for years and often came home in the middle of the night, plus with all the lying he did...). Her and my Dad together never seemed natural to me. They are two different people.

[bean1]

My parents divorced 2 years ago. I am a mother myself (18 months). I am 27. All I thought for the past 20 years was "why don't you just divorce". All I learned as to keep a family together no matter how miserable everyone was. I would not do that to my child, I feel it probably had a worse outcome than the divorce itself.

 

My mom married her "other man" but at 25 with my own family (I was 9 months pregnant when I found out), I had no time or interest in him, and still don't. Besides, he's younger than me, why would I want anything to do with that.

[Stung]

I'm not sure I agree with the position that a stepparent should never be in a position to discipline a stepchild. I do appreciate that pretty much everybody who has contributed to this thread had an awful dynamic with their stepparent, but fortunately that's not always the case, and that's the kind of thing that really needs to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis IMO. A fully-involved stepparent is also taking responsibility for that child, is probably often going to be alone with them and in charge of them, and it's not really practical or desirable to have an adult taking responsibility for a child while incapable of ever meting out any discipline. Obviously, you shouldn't marry someone who you would worry about being in a position to discipline your child--someone who doesn't like them, or someone with a personality disorder, or a brutish lout, or an alcoholic or whatever, shouldn't be in ANY position of authority over a child. Another variable to consider is the age of the child involved, and the length of time the stepparent has lived with them--I would be rightfully uncomfortable trying to discipline a teenager I'd only known a year, for example.

[RecordProducer]

At this point I was angry and had no direction.

Pyro, that's such an interesting story, a little sad, though. It's weird to find these things out after knowing someone for years on LS. The good thing is you're not messed up (although, I should ask your lovely wifey about that!)

 

I would not do that to my child, I feel it probably had a worse outcome than the divorce itself.

But you were in your 20s. It's different for children who need their parents on an active basis - not just as crying shoulders like when we're adults.

 

I'm not sure I agree with the position that a stepparent should never be in a position to discipline a stepchild.

I agree. Any adult living in the house (a much older sibling, granparent, nanny, etc.) should be able to discipline as necessary - but not beat the child.

[Pyro]

Pyro, that's such an interesting story, a little sad, though. It's weird to find these things out after knowing someone for years on LS. The good thing is you're not messed up (although, I should ask your lovely wifey about that!)

 

nothing more than the ordinary for me.

 

I was 15-16 at the time so it really was the best time IMO if it had to happen that way. Plenty of time I had to mature and grow from it and I did.

[setsenia]

I do agree that stepparents should be seen as an authority figure, yes. But a biological parent who sits back and lets the stepparent do all of the disciplining because they don't want to take responsibility as a parent, no. My husband didn't live with his mother until he was 16, when his father passed away. His mother did no disciplining, let her husband do it all. Considering the age, and the fact that his stepfather had no kids of his own nor experience raising a child, I don't think it was appropriate.

[Trimmer]

I'm not sure I agree with the position that a stepparent should never be in a position to discipline a stepchild.

 

I do agree that stepparents should be seen as an authority figure, yes. But a biological parent who sits back and lets the stepparent do all of the disciplining because they don't want to take responsibility as a parent, no.

I generally agree with the above. Now, note that my own situation is one that is free of drugs, abandonment, abuse, etc. and pretty much free of drama... My kids' sorta-step-father (my exW's long-term partner, but not married) is from a little older generation and sometimes would tend to have a slightly different approach than we would. We have agreed that WE (the biological parents) will discuss and set family policies and our parenting philosophy, but we've made it clear to our kids that he is to be respected as a parental figure, and exW has made it clear to him that we set the philosophy, the tone, etc.

 

So basically, our take is that the step-parent's authority as a parental figure is granted and backed up by the biological parent(s), within the framework of how they want the family to run. For me, as the parent on the outside, I feel really strongly about that - that our condition for that is that WE (the bio parents) set the policies and philosophies. This way, the kids know that their parents are on the job and making the decisions, but the step parent still has respect - and when needed, authority - to help keep things running safely and smoothly. YMMV, but it works for us. (It also helps that our kids are generally pretty low-drama.)

 

This avoids the problem setsenia alludes to, in which the bio parent goes passive, and yields primary authority to the step parent. I agree, that's not a scenario I would like to be involved in, from any participant's perspective.

Edited December 20, 2011 by Trimmer

[setsenia]

I really love your take on this, Trimmer! That is a great way to keep things running smoothly. Having your partner enforce the existing rules set up by the biological parents is a good way to prevent issues a stepchild may have with their stepparent. When they take their authorative role, they should be enforcing and supporting the rules set by the other parent, that way the children will know that both parents are in agreement with the rules set forth rather than the stepparent going off and making their own rules and decisions, breeding resentment. This is a really good key for stepfamilies to follow!

[Stung]

I generally agree with the above. Now, note that my own situation is one that is free of drugs, abandonment, abuse, etc. and pretty much free of drama... My kids' sorta-step-father (my exW's long-term partner, but not married) is from a little older generation and sometimes would tend to have a slightly different approach than we would. We have agreed that WE (the biological parents) will discuss and set family policies and our parenting philosophy, but we've made it clear to our kids that he is to be respected as a parental figure, and exW has made it clear to him that we set the philosophy, the tone, etc.

 

So basically, our take is that the step-parent's authority as a parental figure is granted and backed up by the biological parent(s), within the framework of how they want the family to run. For me, as the parent on the outside, I feel really strongly about that - that our condition for that is that WE (the bio parents) set the policies and philosophies. This way, the kids know that their parents are on the job and making the decisions, but the step parent still has respect - and when needed, authority - to help keep things running safely and smoothly. YMMV, but it works for us. (It also helps that our kids are generally pretty low-drama.)

 

This avoids the problem setsenia alludes to, in which the bio parent goes passive, and yields primary authority to the step parent. I agree, that's not a scenario I would like to be involved in, from any participant's perspective.

 

I agree that this is good strategy, in general--and in fact it's pretty much what we practiced WRT my SD for years, although our approach is a bit altered now. Obviously, it works best if all parent-figures involved are emotionally healthy, stable, and reasonable people, and if there are no other children involved.

 

Because of all the variables involved, I still maintain that each situation needs to be evaluated separately, and there should be some flexibility. Rigidly adhered to, this strategy could quickly evolve into a situation where the stepparent, while an equal partner in their household in terms of finances and actual childcare and responsibilities, has zero say in any child-rearing practices in their own home, even ones they might have a problem with. This can be a tricky area especially if the stepparent and bio-parent have another child of their own, and there are conflicting ideologies. Sometimes ALL of the adults are going to have to be consulted about policy, and sometimes ALL of the adults are going to have to compromise.

 

Obviously I see this from the stepparent angle, colored by my own experiences. Sadly, my own situation has proven not to be drama free, and we have many troubling questions about the emotional stability of SD's other parent, so while we try to keep things as civil as possible for SD's sake, we have adopted some different policies in our household and no longer automatically put up a united front with her mother. Sometimes it is the bio-parent whose motives are suspect, unfortunately. Please don't misunderstand--in our house, my husband is the final word on discipline and parenting SD, as he is her father, and he is the one who enacts the majority of disciplinary action, when necessary. I absolutely believe that should be the case. Still, I am consulted on decisions we make about her, I do help set policy as we don't want her to be raised in a separate ideological bubble from her little brother, and I will go ahead and bust her when I catch her doing something she knows she's not supposed to.

 

It makes me sad to read through all the horrific stepparent stories on this thread. In our house, it's just a joke...when we got our new house, SD made me one of those fashion/character keys, in the form of the Wicked Stepmother Queen from Snow White (and yes, I am absolutely sure she was joking). I LOVE it.

[Trimmer]

I agree that this is good strategy, in general--and in fact it's pretty much what we practiced WRT my SD for years, although our approach is a bit altered now. Obviously, it works best if all parent-figures involved are emotionally healthy, stable, and reasonable people, and if there are no other children involved.

I very much agree with your entire post, notably that each family's situation is different, and deserves to be worked out and evaluated according to its own merits, obstacles, and the particular participants involved. I also grant that discussion of these kinds of "ideal", cooperative working relationships depends on everyone being sensible and stable, and pulling in the same direction toward the same general goals of providing good homes for the children.

 

Our situation is indeed a more simple one - I can totally appreciate your scenario where the step-parent and the bio parent also have another child of their own, and that this adds another layer (at least!) to the whole situation.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not saying that a step-parent should be frozen out or just be a mindless nanny following orders... In our case, my ex's partner definitely discusses child rearing issues with my ex, and she passes along some of those comments to me, too. (He and I have even talked about stuff sometimes...) And my ex and I will discuss his input, his perspectives, and his experiences (he is a parent of grown kids who are not a part of my ex's household), and it becomes a part of what we consider as we make our decisions. It all works for us, pretty sickeningly well, actually... And I'm very thankful for that, on behalf of my children, which is the whole point.

[Stung]

I very much agree with your entire post, notably that each family's situation is different, and deserves to be worked out and evaluated according to its own merits, obstacles, and the particular participants involved. I also grant that discussion of these kinds of "ideal", cooperative working relationships depends on everyone being sensible and stable, and pulling in the same direction toward the same general goals of providing good homes for the children.

 

Our situation is indeed a more simple one - I can totally appreciate your scenario where the step-parent and the bio parent also have another child of their own, and that this adds another layer (at least!) to the whole situation.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not saying that a step-parent should be frozen out or just be a mindless nanny following orders... In our case, my ex's partner definitely discusses child rearing issues with my ex, and she passes along some of those comments to me, too. (He and I have even talked about stuff sometimes...) And my ex and I will discuss his input, his perspectives, and his experiences (he is a parent of grown kids who are not a part of my ex's household), and it becomes a part of what we consider as we make our decisions. It all works for us, pretty sickeningly well, actually... And I'm very thankful for that, on behalf of my children, which is the whole point.

 

Trimmer, I didn't think that's what you were trying to say. I was just clarifying, myself--fleshing a few of the potential variables out a bit, as it were.

 

I'm so glad your situation, while perhaps not ideal to start with, is working out so well for you and your children.

Edited December 23, 2011 by Stung

[Mutant Debutante]

What's your story?

 

How old were you when your parents split up? Did your parents re-marry or live with someone? How were you treated by either involved party? How did things affect you? Please, tell me as much detail as possible and how you felt about your situation. Thanks.

 

I will post my story (and my kids' story) in a bit (I need to leave the house now).

 

My mom's on her 5th husband but Ive only met him once. I'm her oldest kid, from her 2nd husband. He took off when I was really little and I have only seen him a couple times since then although he used to send Xmas cards, like every other year when he remembered. My sisters are both technicaly my half sisters. Mom's 3rd husband was a gross man who liked young girls, but he went to jail for dealing drugs (the drugs are why she married him, she's a total addict).

 

Now her 4th husband, my baby sister's bio-dad and our favorite stepdad, was the guy we all think of as our real dad. I have no idea how mom managed to get him to marry her, he was a good guy, he really tried to make things right for all of us. I think he thought he could save mom, white knight syndrome. He died, and I miss him every day. Our life was SO MUCH BETTER when he was there.

 

Anyway, I ran away after he died and basically lived in squats for a couple years but eventually I got work and got custody of my sisters. Middle sister now in college, baby sister is a year behind in school but she's caught up realy well. We all live together and we're doing okay, we're really really close. Have a restraining order against mom and mostly live totally seperate from her but she does call sometimes or come around when she's messed up, which kinda messes with my baby sister's head.

[RecordProducer]

Urgh... Mutant Debutant, your post made me cry. So sorry your Dad died and for all the bad experiences. It's wonderful that you took care of your sisters. Nice that your Mom calls. She is probably sorry about everything. Sadly though, the glass is broken and it's hard to fix it. Would you consider forgiving her?

 

Some things are not people's fault in the sense that they decided to be bad parents. Motherhood is so natural and instinctive that I think mothers who fail at what nature has made our job #1 are not doing it on purpose. I hope you find peace with your mother. We children are bad at forgiving our parents.

[Mutant Debutante]

Urgh... Mutant Debutant, your post made me cry. So sorry your Dad died and for all the bad experiences. It's wonderful that you took care of your sisters. Nice that your Mom calls. She is probably sorry about everything. Sadly though, the glass is broken and it's hard to fix it. Would you consider forgiving her?

 

Some things are not people's fault in the sense that they decided to be bad parents. Motherhood is so natural and instinctive that I think mothers who fail at what nature has made our job #1 are not doing it on purpose. I hope you find peace with your mother. We children are bad at forgiving our parents.

 

Aw, didn't want to make anyone cry. Buck up, RP. You sound like a great mom, you really care about your kids obviously.

 

My mom does call, but mostly only when she's high and she yells and threatens a lot. Sometimes she does say she's sorry, when she goes through her down times, but then she's mostly feeling sorry for herself, not for what she did to US. Most of the time I think she's glad to have my sisters off her hands, but sometimes she gets really PO'd about it and that's when she calls screaming that she's going to take my baby sister back. There's no way in hell that's happening, though...like they say, 'over my dead body'. She's still just a kid and I would run away with her to South America before I would let our mom ruin her life, if our mom somehow got custody back in court, which I'm pretty sure could never happen anyway. Srsly, the 3 of us living together without our mom was the best decision I ever made and the best thing that ever happened to us, after Dad died.

 

I don't think I could ever forgive her, but maybe if she got sober at some point and actually admitted the things she did, who knows? She's got a lot of things wrong with her besides her addictions...toxic personality, the works. I feel sorry for her sometimes because she's a ****ing mess but I'd never be stupid enough to trust her, I know her way too well. But, I didn't report her to the police last time she violated the RO, so I guess I do have a forgiving streak .

[RecordProducer]

My mom does call, but mostly only when she's high and she yells and threatens a lot.

She's very sick, whether it be due to the drugs or her personality, she is sick and you should think of her as such. She's not just some selfish mom who left the kids and went to live with her BF. Believe it or not, your mom is actually better than that.

 

Sometimes she does say she's sorry, when she goes through her down times, but then she's mostly feeling sorry for herself, not for what she did to US.

Well, she's in denial and completely incapable of thinking rationally.

Most of the time I think she's glad to have my sisters off her hands,

Because she knows she can't take care of them and she does want what's better for them.

 

but sometimes she gets really PO'd about it and that's when she calls screaming that she's going to take my baby sister back.

See, she does love you and need your love back. That's good.

 

I don't think I could ever forgive her, but maybe if she got sober at some point and actually admitted the things she did, who knows?

Have you told her this? Would she go to rehab? How does she support herself?

But, I didn't report her to the police last time she violated the RO, so I guess I do have a forgiving streak .

I'm pretty sure phone calls are also breaking the ROs.

[setsenia]

 

My husband's mom has claimed that she never had a maternal instinct and he's actually forgiven her many more times than she ever has him. In fact, she is the one who stops communication with people over really stupid incidences and we actually tried to smooth things over and his mother wanted no part of our lives like she always has. My husband and rightfully so, has every right no not make any further effort with her. She's disappointed him too many times and it's at the point where it's not going to change. She only changed temorarily when she thought she was dying and when she went into remission from cancer, threw everyone back under the bus. She has claimed to feel more maternal with his friends. It's disturbing that mothers like her exist.

[setsenia]

 

Some things are not people's fault in the sense that they decided to be bad parents. Motherhood is so natural and instinctive that I think mothers who fail at what nature has made our job #1 are not doing it on purpose. I hope you find peace with your mother. We children are bad at forgiving our parents.

 

My husband's mom has claimed that she never had a maternal instinct and he's actually forgiven her many more times than she ever has him. In fact, she is the one who stops communication with people over really stupid incidences and we actually tried to smooth things over and his mother wanted no part of our lives like she always has. My husband and rightfully so, has every right to not make any further effort with her. She's disappointed him too many times his whole life and it's at the point where she's not going to change. She only changed temporarily when she thought she was dying and when she went into remission from cancer, threw everyone back under the bus. She has claimed to feel more maternal with his friends. It's disturbing that mothers like her exist.

Edited December 24, 2011 by setsenia

[Trimmer]

...eventually I got work and got custody of my sisters. Middle sister now in college, baby sister is a year behind in school but she's caught up realy well. We all live together and we're doing okay, we're really really close.

Well, I'm not going to talk about your mom - but as for you... you're my hero for today, girl.