Question for those of you who are children of divorced parents

[RecordProducer]

What's your story?

 

How old were you when your parents split up? Did your parents re-marry or live with someone? How were you treated by either involved party? How did things affect you? Please, tell me as much detail as possible and how you felt about your situation. Thanks.

 

I will post my story (and my kids' story) in a bit (I need to leave the house now).

[RecordProducer]

So, my story... My parents split up when I was 6.5 and were divorced when I was 9. My mom left my dad for another man and took me with her, but when thye got officially divorced, the court gave custody to my dad. I lived with him for 5 years then wentback to my mom's. Both my parents were loving but my mom's second husband, with whom she stayed for 17 years was a monster. I have a huge trauma from the existence of that abusive piece of garbage. My dad re-married some crazy lady and had a son with her, but since I was 18 at the time and lived 400 miles away, this entire event (he never lived with the woman) had left me unaffected. Altogether, I think my parents' divorce and everything that transpired from it has messed up my life big time. I wish I had a normal childhood and I wish my parents never divorced.

 

Unfortunately, I am twice divorced myself. My sons were 2 when my ex left, but he saw them regularly. Then I met my second ex and the kids and he clicked really well. I re-married and we moved to the US, but the marriage failed because my ex doesn't like staying with one woman for longer than a year or two. Looking back, thank God my marriages failed. The funny thing is I tried very hard to save both marriages. I don't understand what was there to be saved: the pain and suffering? Nonetheless, I think it's very bad for my sons that their "first dad" is 5000 miles away and their second dad and me are in bad terms. He is dating some new woman now and I wonder howthe kids feel about it. They won't tell me anything bad about her. I hope to move to a different city (I hate the one where I live now) and I hope they'll want to come with me - otherwise, I'll be stuck in this ugly city for another x number of years. I wonder if the kids are going to stop spending so much time with my ex if the new GF moves in with him and starts acting like the "mistress of the house." Cuz, right now, she is just a guest.

 

Anyhoo, I tried to keep this short, but you guys feel free to unwind your story in great detail if you wish.

[RecordProducer]

Anyone?

Edited November 21, 2011 by RecordProducer

[turnera]

I was 12 when my dad left. Mom never remarried, thank god. Dad picked me up for weekly visits for a year or two, then tapered off. When I turned 16, he told me if I wanted to see him, now that I could drive, I could go to his place. It went downhill from there.

[RecordProducer]

I was 12 when my dad left. Mom never remarried, thank god. Dad picked me up for weekly visits for a year or two, then tapered off. When I turned 16, he told me if I wanted to see him, now that I could drive, I could go to his place. It went downhill from there.

Did your dad see other people? How far did he live? Are you comfortable sharing more? Thanks.

[ladyravenloft]

I was a year and a half old when my parents split. She moved, remarried, had it annulled, married again to a military man who adopted me when I was three (my birth father says he didn't answer the papers because his state didn't recognize the rulings of the state I was in).

 

I didn't know the adopted father wasn't my birth father until I was 9 and I found my original birth announcement showing both my birth parents. My mom told me that my adopted dad was my real dad and threw away the announcement. I didn't get the truth until her parents stepped in and told me the truth; my parents had married young; i.e. shotgun wedding-me.

 

After I knew the truth my adopted father changed and started behaving badly, then wound up cheating on my mom and took off, giving her belongings to his now wife.

 

I met my birth father when I was 19 and have no contact with my adopted father at all. My mom and I are close, even though I do not like the fact she tried to hide the truth from me.

[RecordProducer]

After I knew the truth my adopted father changed and started behaving badly,

Hm... why would he do that, any idea?

I met my birth father when I was 19 and have no contact with my adopted father at all.

Do you communicate with your birth father?

[ladyravenloft]

My adopted father decided that, once I knew the full truth, it changed our relationship dynamics. In his exact words, "we're not blood, so it doesn't matter." He and my mother began having relationship troubles and so he began to take them out on me since she was either at work or at school earning her degree and rarely home.

 

I do have contact with my birth father, although limited since both he and my mother have been of the "He's lying/she's lying" mentality. Essentially they want me to fully believe them and not the other and I can't do that. Somewhere in the middle is the truth so I refuse to pick a side.

[RecordProducer]

My adopted father decided that, once I knew the full truth, it changed our relationship dynamics. In his exact words, "we're not blood, so it doesn't matter." He and my mother began having relationship troubles and so he began to take them out on me since she was either at work or at school earning her degree and rarely home.

That's so sad. Was he a good dad while you didn't know he was not your biological father (that would be from age 3 to 9)?

 

Some actress said once that men love children when they love the woman, even if the kids are not theirs - and they don't love the kids if they don't love the woman, even if the kids are theirs. So far I've found this to be true.

 

I do have contact with my birth father, although limited since both he and my mother have been of the "He's lying/she's lying" mentality. Essentially they want me to fully believe them and not the other and I can't do that. Somewhere in the middle is the truth so I refuse to pick a side.

Why do you have to pick sides? Why can't you have a relationship with both of them without turning against the other one? My parents do the same to me and it's really weird to try to figure out which one of your parents was a jerk. I just ignore it. After all, I make my own judgments about their parenthood; and their marriage, which ended when I was 7, is none of my business.

 

So, you ended up living with your mom after your dad left? May I ask, how old are you? Are you a woman? Sorry for asking so many questions. I am going through a difficult phase with my teenage kids and I am totally depressed about it.

[Trimmer]

Some actress said once that men love children when they love the woman, even if the kids are not theirs - and they don't love the kids if they don't love the woman, even if the kids are theirs. So far I've found this to be true.

Whoa, what? Is this implying that after a divorce, a man would love his kids less?

 

Not in my case, either from my own father to me, nor from me to my kids. I have always felt such a strong love for them, and that didn't change a bit through our divorce - if anything, it clarified my need to continue to be a strong, loving parent, but it didn't decrease my love for them in the least, at all, period.

 

As for me, my parents split up when I was around 16. Neither remarried in the following decade or so; they both continued to live in the same house for a short while until my mom eventually moved out. I didn't feel like either of them loved me any less (even in retrospect) although I think maybe they were both generally weary of being parents by that time.

 

I was old enough that I was pretty much ready to go out on my own anyway. Not to say that it didn't have its effects on me, but I didn't fall off a cliff or anything, developmentally.

 

Why do you have to pick sides? Why can't you have a relationship with both of them without turning against the other one?

I was very lucky as a child of divorce that my parents didn't put me in this position, and created a respectful environment. As a divorced parent, I strive to do the same, and very appreciatively give credit to my ex that she does as well, so we don't put our kids in that position. I think that sucks, and it's a pet peeve of mine when parents are so immature that they put their kids in the middle, having to decide loyalties, etc...

[Stung]

Whoa, what? Is this implying that after a divorce, a man would love his kids less?

 

 

I have not noticed this to be the case, either. Not in quality men, certainly.

 

I am not a child of divorce but I am stepmother to one. Not technically, I suppose, as her parents were never officially married. My now-husband dated and lived with her mother for a couple of years, they split when the baby was a year old, but my husband has always been there for his daughter and he loves her deeply. Her mother is...difficult. Stressful, aggravating. Probably personality disordered, although that's a layperson's armchair diagnosis. They broke up ten years ago, and he's definitely not holding a torch. But we put up with all the BS and we try to do it with a smile, because that's his daughter and he loves her and will do whatever is best for her. We have joint custody, and my husband has turned down lucrative, life-altering job offers because they would require us to move and potentially lose custody. I would think so much less of him if he didn't make those kinds of decisions, to us family is most important.

 

My stepdaughter's mother married when my SD was still very young, and is now going through an ugly divorce. She has cut her estranged husband out of SD's life completely, which is very hard for SD, she considered that man a second father for most of her life. So in this regard I would say SD is twice a child of divorce. It's been a tough time for her.

[trippi1432]

How old were you when your parents split up? Did your parents re-marry or live with someone? How were you treated by either involved party? How did things affect you? Please, tell me as much detail as possible and how you felt about your situation. Thanks.

 

I was 12 when my parents split up. In those 12 years, I recall them being perfect, but then I was sheltered from what was really going on underneath the marriage. I never heard my parents fight, but they did. I do recall one time when I was 10, my mother tried to leave my dad and I pitched a fit....I was a daddy's girl. I'm not sure if that was the time she caught him having an affair or if her own affair was discovered. I do know that when I was 12, she was hiding my ex-boyfriend's father in the closet when my dad was out of town. My dad sent her a dozen roses and cut her loose in the note card.

 

That was the first time my mother ever beat me, the day she got those roses. I cleaned my room as I was asked but threw my stuffed animals on the floor, crying...knowing my dad wasn't coming home. She saw the mess in my room, threw me on the floor and throttled me. Things like that continued until I was 15...I withdrew inside myself, found a world of music and kept as far away from her and her boyfriend as possible. He hated me, even though I was his son's girlfriend for four years from elementary school to middle school.

 

I was angry, withdrawn and it was nothing to roll my eyes and get back-slapped or thrown in the floor and beat. The only time I had any protection was the few times I got to see my dad. My mother drank heavily for a couple of years due to her issues of not being able to trust her boyfriend who was a truck driver. When I was 14, he wrecked his rig and almost died (shame he didn't). He was home all the time, and at 14, he molested me several times until I told my mom. I ran away after I told her, she found me and beat me again several times until she had a nervous breakdown and admitted herself for treatment after I found her with a gun crying in her room one day. She later told me she was going to shoot me and then herself. Even to this day, my mother "adopts" other people and pretends to mother them....she and I get along, but I did go several years and didn't speak to her. As part of my therapy these past couple of years, she finally apologized that she did not protect me during those years as a parent should. It was a healing experience for us both.

 

I went to live with my dad for several months, where he finalized the divorce finally and gained custody of me, but then was returned to my mom because my dad was moving for a job and couldn't take me with him. He was also splitting up with his girlfriend at the time, who was a very nice lady, mainly because she didn't want to move with him and uproot her daughter. Other than that, they got along nicely and my dad would have married her.

 

My mother and now sex-offending step-father as she married him while I was with my father, moved us to another town, and my step-father never laid a hand on me due to a child hood friend who threatened to kill him. At 15, when I was supposed to visit my father, my mother decided I should go live with him. So she and my step-father drove me to his work and plopped me in his lap with no warning. He was in a new relationship with a woman half my age who had no children and didn't want any. She took it upon herself to let me know I was trash since I was molested and basically my life was a jail sentence. Since I was no longer a virgin, she told me that I would bring shame to my father and would ultimately be a whore. I don't know if my father ever knew she said these things to me when he wasn't around, but he seemed to agree with her "parenting" so I eventually left home at 16 and went out on my own.

 

I met my first husband in high school shortly after that, he became my best friend and eventually my boyfriend. We married at 19 and had our daughter. He cheated a lot and we broke up several times because of it, the last time at the age of 22 and I wouldn't let him come back because he had gotten a girl he cheated on me with pregnant.

 

I met my second-husband at the age of 26, we were together for 15 years and had a son together. I didn't marry him for 12 years because he was verbally abusive to myself and the kids. We were only married for three years before he decided what I already knew, we really didn't love each other and were incompatible. I had fallen out of love with him years earlier due to the verbal abuse and inability to not fight in front of the kids...there is way more to that story and he is still like that (yelling and screaming, drama, the whole 9 yards) in his new marriage. He married the woman he cheated on me with. My first husband is on his 3rd marriage, the second wife cheated on him.

 

Both of my parents are on their 3rd marriages now...my mother divorced her second husband when I was in my mid-20's. She threw him out at gun-point after he beat her and nearly killed her. My father divorced his second wife in my late 20's after she was cheating on him...but I think he may have been cheating on her as well with my new step-mother who was single at the time. My mother went on to marry her old high school sweetheart who is the most wonderful man in the world and when my mother gets a "stick up her arse" I remind her how lucky she is to have such an amazing man considering the he*l she went through. My dad is happy with his 3rd wife and she takes wonderful care of him...he knows he is lucky...he doesn't need reminding.

 

Even though both of my parents cheated in their marriage, I hold a firm boundary on cheating...it's not something I would do nor something I condone. It takes a lot for me to trust a man, and once I give that and it's broken, there is nothing more to talk about.

 

So there ya go....adding to the many horror stories of childhood divorce trauma and the results it brings into our own lives. My children, I'm sure, have their own stories as they are now children of divorce also. Even though we survive our childhood, it's influence does shape our lives.

[trippi1432]

Since I can't edit...I should note that my dad was in a relationship with a woman 10 years older than me and 10 years younger than him instead of half my age. Wow....would have made it Jerry Springerish...eeps!!

[RecordProducer]

Whoa, what? Is this implying that after a divorce, a man would love his kids less?

 

Not in my case, either from my own father to me, nor from me to my kids.

The "rule" doesn't work as an on-off switch button. A lot of a father's love for his children depends on his feelings for their mother- and a divorce doesn't stop those feelings, even though he may not be in love with her anymore. The fact remains that many men who were great dads cut their own kids off when they leave the mother. On an instinctive level, the actress's "rule" makes sense - it's a different story that people have evolved to the point where they function well in complicated circumstances.

 

I am not a child of divorce but I am stepmother to one. Not technically, I suppose, as her parents were never officially married.

You are her stepmother because you are married to her father. It doesn't matter that her parents were never married.

 

When I was 14, he wrecked his rig and almost died (shame he didn't).

 

I am so sorry for all your experiences. I was molested too by a step-monster. What I did notice though throughout your entire post is this huge strength inside you. You've grown to accept that all these people were wrong and you're not beating yourself up about what you did wrong. I think that's awesome. Thanks so much for sharing.

[Stung]

 

You are her stepmother because you are married to her father. It doesn't matter that her parents were never married.

 

 

Sorry if I was unclear. Yes, of course I am her stepmother, quite proud and happy to be so. What I meant was that she isn't technically "a child of divorce", since her parents were never married to each other. Also since they split up when she was a baby, she doesn't have any memory of them actually being together. She does, however, have the common experience of growing up in two households--and now that her mother is divorcing her stepfather, she is experiencing some trauma from THAT divorce as she was close to her stepfather for most of her formative years.

[RecordProducer]

Sorry if I was unclear. Yes, of course I am her stepmother, quite proud and happy to be so. What I meant was that she isn't technically "a child of divorce", since her parents were never married to each other. Also since they split up when she was a baby, she doesn't have any memory of them actually being together. She does, however, have the common experience of growing up in two households--and now that her mother is divorcing her stepfather, she is experiencing some trauma from THAT divorce as she was close to her stepfather for most of her formative years.

Is her step-dad seeing her now that he and her mom have split up? Is he interested in seeing her?

[Stung]

Well, her mother has cut him out of her life on her side, but we feel like that was irresponsible on her part because he is a good man and they miss each other. As her step-parent myself I am sensitive to that, to how I could lose her if, for instance, anything happened to my husband. So we arrange for them to see each other over at our house sometimes, all doing activities together. He doesn't really see her on a 1-to-1 basis much anymore, but at least they have seen each other for some street fairs, for 4th of July, etc. He's coming over this weekend for our town's tree lighting ceremony. She doesn't really understand the complexity of the whole situation but she likes knowing that he still cares about her and wants to spend family time with her.

 

If he was a bad influence or had been a bad stepfather, we wouldn't take that step, but we didn't feel it was good for her to have him just cast out of her life completely. They had been pretty close, for several years, and he is the father of one of her brothers.

[debtman]

My parents got divorced when I was 3 and my brother was 5. My mom took us and moved several states away with my step-dad. My dad got remarried shortly after that to a woman with 2 boys of her own that were our age.

 

We lived with my mom and step-dad (who was a pretty good guy, although a bit distant, OCD and a yeller) and went up to see my dad and step-mom for the summers. My step-mom is a very nice lady and we got along great with her kids.

 

My mom and dad always got along, would see each other from time to time on the occasions when my dad would drive down to get us instead of flying us up.

 

I'm sure I had some issues during my childhood that wouldn't have happened if I had a closer relationship with my dad, but, after college, I got a job offer near my dad, and have lived up here ever since. I have a great relationship with my dad and my mom is my best friend and we talk every day.

 

Last year, when my W told me she wanted a D, I was devastated, mostly because I felt I suddenly lost 1/2 of my kids lives. That's still the worst part of the whole situation, but, I feel I have a better relationship with them now than ever because we appreciate the time together so much more and take advantage of it.

 

My stbx and I have an amicable relationship (mostly because I bit my tongue a LOT in the beginning when she was with OM) and we share time with the kids almost 50/50, which I'm very thankful for and it makes it completely worth dealing with her in a non-confrontational way.

 

While D can certainly be one of the most traumatizing things for kids, I don't think it needs to be a defining factor in their lives. I think the impact on the kids can be lessened if the parents are careful to not bad-mouth each other (AT ALL), can keep open lines of communication regarding the kids and, if they both stay focused on providing the kids with everything they can.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[trippi1432]

I am so sorry for all your experiences. I was molested too by a step-monster. What I did notice though throughout your entire post is this huge strength inside you. You've grown to accept that all these people were wrong and you're not beating yourself up about what you did wrong. I think that's awesome. Thanks so much for sharing.

 

Hey RP - catching back up on posts. Thank you and I am so sorry you had to go through something like that too. In the end of it all, parents aren't perfect and those that set out to intentionally hurt a child do not deserve any power over our lives...that being denying us of living our lives and finding some sort of happiness.

 

It did take both of my parents three marriages to finally find the right person for them, but I am the lucky only child of four parents now.

[RecordProducer]

While D can certainly be one of the most traumatizing things for kids, I don't think it needs to be a defining factor in their lives. I think the impact on the kids can be lessened if the parents are careful to not bad-mouth each other (AT ALL), can keep open lines of communication regarding the kids and, if they both stay focused on providing the kids with everything they can.

This sounds too good to be true! In your case, things developed really well though at least without trauma and much drama. I am sorry about your divorce. You have a great attitude. Keep it up.

those that set out to intentionally hurt a child do not deserve any power over our lives...

True!

It did take both of my parents three marriages to finally find the right person for them, but I am the lucky only child of four parents now

 

Hey, I am at my divorce #2. Next time is my lucky one.

[setsenia]

I was about 4 or 5 when my parents' divorce was final. My brother went to live with my dad and I went to live with my mom for a period of time before going to live with my dad. All my life, my parents never got along. My dad holds a grudge against my mom for having my brother "against his will" before they had me. I've had to listen to my dad talk bad about her the entire time I lived with him and even now. He would even go as far to say, your mother was so horrible to you, she must have not loved you. It's gone on for nearly 20 years since their divorce. My dad didn't remarry until I was 17, to someone here on visa, who was 20 years younger than him. She was always respectful and I liked her, but it was irritating how he made these comments about her "being my stepmom" when she's only 7 years older than me and 2 1/2 years older than my brother. My mom was with her long term boyfriend for 18 years until they recently married a year and a half ago when I was 20. I give my parents credit for not allowing the stepparents to interviene when disciplining us, because I feel it is the biological parent's responsibility first and foremost. My husband's mother never raised him until he was 16, and then all of a sudden let the stepfather do all the disciplining, even though he doesn't even have kids of his own or experience being a father.

[BrettLost]

Wow.

 

I came here to possibly get a glimpse of what my daughters may face in their lives, now myself and their mum are divorced.

 

My parents are still together, not that I'm completely unaware, I know of the road, just never been down it.

 

I became very emotionally affected by these stories, the spiraling out of control nature of life, you all faced, at one point or another. All of you are indeed true survivors.

 

As a father, I feel almost empowered to do my best under such circumstances, but at the same time can't help but feel the chips are stacked against me. I am blown away by the overall complexities the family structure faces and how it can change.

As if it all takes a life of it's own, and you just ride it out. I am purely

speculating here, but I assume as children, what other options did you have.

 

I'm torn now whether trying to find someone new (for me) is actually not worth the potential difficulty it can create amongst my relationship with my kids.

 

Best of luck to you all.

[setsenia]

Kudos to you, Brett, for putting your kids first! I am sure you will find a way to make your love life and a relationship with your kids work. You have to put your kids first, but don't forget about yourself and your own needs, that is perfectly acceptable. In my experience, my dad shared his resentment towards us for things he wasn't able to do because he felt having children prohibited him from doing so. His priorities were mixed up, but I think he had good intentions overall. My relationship with my stepparents is very good overall. I know people who get along and people who don't get along with their stepparents. I think one of the main things people should avoid in order to have a positive relationship is for that stepparent to "not take the place of the other parent" and/or discipline them. I think these are the most important keys that determine a positive relationship between stepparent and stepchild. Authority figure, yes. Respecting them as your stepparent, yes. But never put the stepparent into position to discipline your child. It puts them and the child in an uncomfortable position and can be destructive to the relationship. I think this is why my stepparents and I got along is because I never had to worry about any of this. My parents placed much emphasis that they were the ones to handle the disciplining. My husband's mother made his step-dad discipline him and always put him first in her life before her child. I think that is a big no-no, because my husband never trusted his stepfather. Needless to say, we aren't speaking to them anymore and a big factor is because she lets her husband control her and her relationship with her son.

 

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction, Brett. You will be able to have your needs as long as you know your kids are always first. Hope this advice helps! Good luck!

Edited December 13, 2011 by setsenia

[RecordProducer]

My dad didn't remarry until I was 17, to someone here on visa, who was 20 years younger than him. She was always respectful and I liked her,

So, how did this develop? Is he still married to this woman? If yes, for how long? Do you still like her? Or did she collect the green card and one day didn't come back from the grocery store?

 

I became very emotionally affected by these stories, the spiraling out of control nature of life, you all faced, at one point or another.

Brett, I read your other thread and I think you're in a bad emotional place right now. I am too, but I've been in much worse emotional places than you with respect to my two divorces. Sadly, I never saught professional help. I actually did a couple times in my life (totalling 2-3 sessions) but had such bad luck with counselors who were dumb jerks that I just figured I'd have to spend hours and hours repeating my stories and answering stupid questions before I come across a normal psychologist. But I should've done that, and I will. I will look for the right counselor until I find him/her. I think you sjhould do the same because you're very sad right now.

[BrettLost]

Setsenia,

 

Thank u for ur kind advice. Just want their lives to be enjoyable, and for me to remain as involved as possible.

 

Recordproducer,

 

I come here for guidance like everyone else, not to be judged. Every post or thread one wishes to post, is a direct reflection on how they feel that day, week etc. Some are optimistic, others hopelessness.

I am actually doin pretty well, not sad, not in a bad emotional place. I have seen counsellors, like u i found that they reached a certain point where the gains were minimal so i stopped.

This thread only caught my attention as a glimpse into what may become of my daughters future. Anything i can learn off the experiences very honestly expressed here, is worth alot to me.