lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I phoned him because I thought it was silly after 25 years not talking. It started out ok then he gets irate with me(didnt say anything wrong just that eggshell thing). He says how happy he is and he is trying to make life for himself. He has no feelings to the fact that I am struggling or find it hard especially Christmas. Why o why can someone be like this who you have spent 25 years with. He wasn't like ihis before the OW/ I know we are going to end up hating each other which is not what I wanted to happen as we have adult children 20 and 23. I feel so alone today
ChelseaLS Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I think people end up going this way after a break up as a coping mechanism. I went that way with my ex before this ex. I find it silly how close people can be one day and then the next it's sooo different. So I understand why you called him. This weekend has been a crappy one for me as well. We will get through it. Monday is a new day!
Author lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 I felt ok this morning too. Is it because Christmas is coming up and I want the family to be together? I am not even asking for a relationship, I just want us to talk normally but its not going to happen and that is what hurts.
ChelseaLS Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I bet a lot of that has to do with the OW. I know it's tough now, but it may be a blessing in disguise. It will give you time to heal more. If he was willing to talk and be friends it would always be in your face that you're no longer together and I would think that would be hard... like me and my ex working together lol.
M2155 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Is it because Christmas is coming up and I want the family to be together? I am not even asking for a relationship, I just want us to talk normally but its not going to happen and that is what hurts. You have to accept for now at least, that the "family" is not the same. There is no point in having a family together for the holidays if it's just a front and there are underlying tensions (trust me, my family is much happier when we don't force the holidays for the sake of it being a holiday). Talking "normally" is not going to happen because "normal" is changing right now. He wants things different, you want them the way they were. You shouldn't be calling him, it's not silly to not talk. He didn't respect you by getting with another woman, why should you give him continued effort? 25 years is a long time and he will never not be part of your life. But don't force talking and holiday time. You need time to move on and regain independence. Why not take a trip for the holiday? Go to a resort, go on a mission to help people with their English, go volunteer at a shelter...do something for you. Stand your ground until he starts making some effort to normalize your relationship.
ruffianheart Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Hi Lolita Jade, I read your post and just had to reply. I can relate to your situation since I, too, am no longer in contact with my best friend who I have known for over 25 years. I understand why you would want to "take the high road" as it were and contact him. And I'm so sorry he didn't respond as kindly as you hoped. I have been struggling myself to try and cheer up this holiday season. What I decided to do is to decorate my house the way I always wanted it to be, focus on helping those in need, and appreciating those people who are still in my life. Please know you are not alone!
Author lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Hi, It has been an awful weekend of feeling low. Lots of people on this site feel the same. I am most of the time positive but on the odd I dip and that is when I contact him. I know you are all right. It is change I am struggling with at the end of the day. I am struggling with the change of Christmas. I guess it is just a hurdle and next year it will be the norm. On boxing day (dont know if you have that in US? The day after Christmas. I am going to my daughters for a meal/ caberet in a casino, followed by silly games and drinks round he boyfriend's family's house. The last two years I have gone with my husband and as about 30 people there was dreading the 80 mile drive and the going out single thing. But I have decided to buy an amazing dress to wear and go out to really enjoy myself. I am really looking forward to it now. I think that is the key to going out single. Buy an amazing dress!! I will look at decorating my lounge too. To improve my home. Life will get better I know. Just need to jump through a few hoops first.
ChelseaLS Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Do it! Buy that dress and look amazing. That is what I am doing for my work Christmas party (which you know, my ex works with me)... but I am not doing it for him (though it will be nice to show him I am fine and beautiful), I am doing it for me. To feel good. I already bought the dress... its plum purple and hugs your body (in a good way). I think I look pretty good in it lol.
Author lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 PS------M2155, You are right about 1 thing. I need to stand my ground and not be such a wimp. He has hurt me so much and I am letting him hurt me further. I will not contact him and I will become harder towards him and not such a pushover. Why should I make it so easy for him to put me down and upset me.--- He has the oh so happy new life and I am left picking up pieces. You are right I must get selfish as he is being. I wont be rude or in any way hostile. Just make it clear I am a survivor. I am sure the big steps will soon get bigger than the little ones and we will all get there
Author lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Good for you Chelsea. Dont get too pi**ed and make a fool of yourself---stay looking hot. Thats what I aim to do. not to mention a bit of mild flirting Only fun.
Rorschach64 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Jade, Been there...the urge to break the silence just out of common decency, love, care, and all that sunshine lollipop rainbow stuff. then the lovely ls people made me realize that while I was coming to these conclusions my ex wasn't because she doesn't have an ounce of care about me....so why should I care anymore? That was the end of the longing to reach out. Youre ex needs to be removed from the pedestal on your own realization and the guy seems to be insecure with his choices thus his need to reassure himself by telling you that he is happy every time you talk. Youre helping him by contacting him so stop
ChelseaLS Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 ... I forgot to mention before, but as it goes for your kids... they are old enough to understand the situation and why mom and dad aren't talking or are bitter to each other etc. I was 13 (brother 14) when my parents split. Even at that age we understood... perhaps it was a bit harder, but we understood. We didn't even see any issues between them. One day dad just said he was moving out. Dad fell flat on his face, drinking and showing up with guns threatening the family and male suitors even after 1 1/2... but mom was always there.. head on her shoulders. Thank god for mom. Thats all I know.
Author lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Rors, I know you are right. you are quite strong with me. If I feel the need to contact him I should contact you to talk me out of it :) It is only on down times but damaging to me nonetheless.
Author lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Chelsea, My parents split before I was 10. I didnt know anything was wrong. The first I knew of it I was told my Dad had gone away for the summer and when he then came round my Mum got a carving knife out of the kitchen to threaten him. He had moved in with OW. My kids understand but I feel like a failure because of my parents I wanted to keep my family together. Silly I know but it is something that haunts my low times. No matter how old the kids are. This is something I need to let go. Guilt is a dreadful thing to live with. I know my ex found someone else but we had split prior to that as in a dreadful rut.
M2155 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 If your kids grew up healthy, safe, productive and have two caring parents, I would pat yourself on the back;). Your boxing day plans sound great. Rock that dress and yes, you have every right to enjoy a little selfishness!
Author lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Yes kids grew up ok. A bit of bad atmoshphere and stuff to endure but yes very proud of them. With me it is change and living alone I find hardest to cope with. i hate my own company but when postive ok.
ChelseaLS Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Chelsea, My parents split before I was 10. I didnt know anything was wrong. The first I knew of it I was told my Dad had gone away for the summer and when he then came round my Mum got a carving knife out of the kitchen to threaten him. He had moved in with OW. My kids understand but I feel like a failure because of my parents I wanted to keep my family together. Silly I know but it is something that haunts my low times. No matter how old the kids are. This is something I need to let go. Guilt is a dreadful thing to live with. I know my ex found someone else but we had split prior to that as in a dreadful rut. That makes me smile. You are just like my mom. She still to this day tells me she never wanted us kids to have to live through what she went through. She wanted to give us a home with two loving parents and the whole deal. She still beats her self up over it and I feel horrible. I have tried time and time agin to tell her that you know what, I had a great childhood. I am proud of who I am today and I am SO thankful she was as strong as she was and gave me the life I have and I owe it all to her. Mom always said that if she didn't have us kids, it would be a million times harder and probably wouldn't have done as well. I love my little family of 3
M2155 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Yes kids grew up ok. A bit of bad atmoshphere and stuff to endure but yes very proud of them. With me it is change and living alone I find hardest to cope with. i hate my own company but when postive ok. Well you were with someone for 25 years! I think it's fair to say it'll take some time to readjust. I've never been married, I grew up with 4 brothers and couldn't wait to live alone. Now I can't imagine living with a man. I mean I look forward to it but the thought of me integrating with another person sounds like it will be major growing pains. I get tired of visitors after a day or two lol.
Author lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Chelsea, That is lovely. Yes when you are a mum you put everyone else first but yourself. It is something I will probably always beat myself up over. Learning to put myself first is soooo hard M2155, I hear so many single women say after living alone for a while that they do not want to live with any men. That frightens me, I don't want to be like that. My mum was on her own until she died and said she was lonely. It is not until you have experienced life you realise how she felt. I dont want to end up like that. My children have their own lives and dont understand how I feel and if I am a little down they get annoyed so I have to remain positive and upbeat Even if dying inside. As a parent you have to act so strong.
M2155 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Oh no I WANT to, I can't wait:p I just figure doing so will be a super-major adjustment as it's been my way for over 10 years. So I can imagine going from being with someone for that long will be an equally challenging adjustment. I was like that with my mom but now in my 30s I'm a little more empathetic since I've experienced a bit more. You're still such a kid in your 20s Its more difficult to relate but they can be understanding if you tell them what you need. But yes, I am sure as a mom you want to remain strong and I'm sure you do a fine job of it!
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