Are you friends with xMM/xMW/xAP? Why?

[Lemon Drop]

 

Never ever in the history of everdom will this SOB use me again to soothe his ego or to stoke the fires in his ridiculous farce of a marriage. I am DONE.

 

I can breathe again.

 

Lilith, GOOD FOR YOU. I love the use of Never ever in the history of everdom... it is so final. In what world do these guys think they can get away with this stuff? I wonder if they believe the BS they dish out?

 

I think your experience and actions are going to help me get over my xMM.

[Lilith Crane]

Hello There (((Anne)))!

 

I am so glad you took my post in the spirit which it was intended.

 

I actually feel as though I should thank you. This is something that's been gnawing at me and your post made me want to finally let it all go.

 

I'm sitting here smiling while I type this.

[red shoes]

My xMM was one who made MANY, MANY promises to me and always spoke of the future in terms of us being together. He referred to BW as his xW and would say things like he was just "technically married". Every day - this is not an exaggeration - every day he told me just how much he hated her.

 

When d-day occurred he flew to her protection and completely villified me to appease her. He turned on me very abruptly. I was deeply disappointed; and, I have no doubt he was probably telling her just how much he hated me. That still has me seething.

 

So, because of my particular experience, when I saw this:

 

 

 

I had to take a very deep breath and count to 10; several times actually. I think I can almost get my head wrapped around why this innocent post made such a flash of anger bolt straight through me.

 

As the OW, I felt a huge sense of betrayal too. xMM was just too busy putting on the "Happy Married Couple Show" to notice.

 

HOWEVER...

 

xMM has come around twice now under the guise of "friendship". The first time was about 3 months after d-day. He was very passionate in telling me how worried he was about me but he never really properly apologized for hurting me or for LYING. In his mind, his actions were about just doing what he had to in order to keep all his precious stuff in tact. I was just the lesser amount of collateral damage.

 

My head was still spinning and I was trying to separate out the real truths. So, even though I never let him so much as lay a finger on me, I was far too gentle with him. We were "friends" for something like 8-10 weeks. Though I didn't recognize it at the time, I know now it was just a continuation of the deeply connected and emotional part of our relationship.

 

Then, his wife went bat-crap crazy (deservedly so). Drama - drama - drama ensued. He was gone again.

 

Several months go by without so much as a whisper. I thought he was gone from me forever at that point.

 

Astonishingly enough, two weeks ago, I posted that xMM had come around once again. This time was so different. His effort was pathetically minimal and I was nowhere near gentle. I shut him down very coldly. I was actually a bit surprised at myself, but I know it was the right thing do.

 

Never ever in the history of everdom will this SOB use me again to soothe his ego or to stoke the fires in his ridiculous farce of a marriage. I am DONE.

 

NO - in a situation such as mine, my suggestion is to NOT ever attempt to be friends.

 

**Ahhhh!** Thank you for allowing me that rant. It was actually cathartic! WOW - I really feel better!

 

HA! I guess I am healing a little faster than I thought!

 

I can breathe again.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I hope you're on your way to recovery already.

 

You don't need breadcrumbs. And that guy is a coward.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Even APs need to be "in love" with the xMM/xMW to be in a "relationship" with them, no?

 

Not at all. If people can be married without being "in love" with each other, why can other relationships not exist without the participants being "in love"?

 

Just as some marriages are based on convenience, resources, political alliances or conforming to expectations, some As are based on factors other than love: a need for affirmation, sex, intimacy, excitement, or rebellion.

[East7]

My xMW tried very hard to remain friends with me. It resulted in nothing less than a form of EA. We always ended up telling "I love you-s" and being romantically connected.

 

I finally cut the ties because I think it is very illusionary to stay friends with someone with whom you have been so much romantically involved. There is too much hurt, the memory of pain, broken trust and broken dreams and other consequences of the A that make you look at the person in a different way.

 

Other than the hurt, I think the chemistry is something that doesn't really dies. It can be put in the corner of the mind but rekindles everytime you have the opportunity to be physically together. If I meet my xMW again, I think I would die to kiss her . And I think she would feel the same. So yes we can't be friends. It is a situation of all or nothing.

 

I wish her well, she was a part of my life, albeit a painful one. Friendship is a lame excuse to force things that aren't meant to be. We may loose one day people that we love, it is part of life.

[red shoes]

Not at all. If people can be married without being "in love" with each other, why can other relationships not exist without the participants being "in love"?

 

Just as some marriages are based on convenience, resources, political alliances or conforming to expectations, some As are based on factors other than love: a need for affirmation, sex, intimacy, excitement, or rebellion.

 

I usually think people marry for love. It was after time that they fall out of love.

 

Though I can see it from your point of view as to there being more reasons to get into relationships that that.

[red shoes]

My xMW tried very hard to remain friends with me. It resulted in nothing less than a form of EA. We always ended up telling "I love you-s" and being romantically connected.

 

I finally cut the ties because I think it is very illusionary to stay friends with someone with whom you have been so much romantically involved. There is too much hurt, the memory of pain, broken trust and broken dreams and other consequences of the A that make you look at the person in a different way.

 

Other than the hurt, I think the chemistry is something that doesn't really dies. It can be put in the corner of the mind but rekindles everytime you have the opportunity to be physically together. If I meet my xMW again, I think I would die to kiss her . And I think she would feel the same. So yes we can't be friends. It is a situation of all or nothing.

 

I wish her well, she was a part of my life, albeit a painful one. Friendship is a lame excuse to force things that aren't meant to be. We may loose one day people that we love, it is part of life.

 

So the one that feels more in the affair/relationship will tend to pull away and not stay as friends?

[East7]

So the one that feels more in the affair/relationship will tend to pull away and not stay as friends?

 

Well, sometimes I think I loved her more, even if I'm sure she loved me a lot too. But this is not a factor to taking a decision not to stay friends. I explained her why we can't be friends and she was convinced. She agreed that she would be always romantically attracted to me and she would end up cheating her H all over again. That already happened !

 

So yeah, our friendship was "romantically dangerous". We are safer off

[Lilith Crane]

I think your experience and actions are going to help me get over my xMM.

 

Lemon Drop, I will be cheering for you!

[Lilith Crane]

^^^^ This! ^^^^

 

and this:

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I hope you're on your way to recovery already.

 

You don't need breadcrumbs. And that guy is a coward.

 

Thanks, Red. Baby steps, but I do feel better every day.

 

xMM is a coward and that is what keeps me away from him. He will not have another chance to disappoint me.

[MissBee]

My exAP was not married. I do think that also plays a huge role in how things transpired and the aftermath.

 

I had tried the "friendship" thing while the A was in full swing. I tried to pull it back and just be friends, that did not work. We then had an entire year of NC that really broke things down and allowed us to detach from each other.

 

We're now friends....in that we're amicable and we can still speak sometimes but we don't speak often (maybe a few times a year via email and there might be an odd phone call on his part). Yesterday was his birthday and I dropped him a note. Things like that. I do not believe he is still with the longterm gf (and mother of his child) he was with at the time we had the A, but we don't talk about it. There is zero chance of us ever resuming an A and we're still amicable because after all was said and done, after the year of NC, he came back with a genuine apology, things didn't end as badly as with some As and there was not that much that happened that built up overwhelming animosity. Overall, I do believe he truly did love me but the situation was messed up and I think we're going to always care for each other but now we interact once in a while and there are more clear boundaries.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry, no (see, no sense) I was in love with xMM and that's why I couldn't just be friends with him. The relationships I didn't care about were previous 'normal' relationships.

 

Did the xMM want to be friends with you?

 

When we split he wanted to be friends, I did not.

 

I didn't because:

I knew we would re-enter a loving relationship (which is what happened)

I knew his marriage had suffered greatly because his wife had continued to keep her MM in her life and I didn't want to be contributing to that mess in a similar way

I would have found it too hurtful to have the feelings and never be able to acknowledge them, or to acknowledge them and never be able to act on them

I thought keeping him in my life as a 'forbidden fruit' scenario may stop me from considering letting other men in to my life as I felt so paired to him in so many ways, no one else stood a chance

I wanted him to suffer by not having me in his life. Not genuinely to hurt, I wanted him to be happy, but I also wanted him to realise what he had when he had it, and then what he had lost. I thought it might spur him on to make changes and strive for more, all the while he had me to turn to he had no need to make harsh evaluations and even less to make significant changes

 

A friendship would never have worked. Now... I think now we're on our own, so to speak, and there's no one else in the picture, if we didn't work out I think I would consider staying friends. But I'm not sure.

[red shoes]

From your experiences, is it weird to you that when the AP says they can't go through with the affair and the MM/MW stop all contact, leaving no room for friendship then?

 

It seems that LSers here seem to have a lot of pull and push situation before one finally breaks.

 

Anyone has a story to share in which it was a clean cut? A resolute NC?

[mzdolphin]

Married affair partners offering friendship are just trying to keep you tethered until you have a weak moment.

 

Cut the cord, and free yourself from the madness.

[MissBee]

From your experiences, is it weird to you that when the AP says they can't go through with the affair and the MM/MW stop all contact, leaving no room for friendship then?

 

It seems that LSers here seem to have a lot of pull and push situation before one finally breaks.

Anyone has a story to share in which it was a clean cut? A resolute NC?

 

For me it was...he initiated NC and it was an entire year of No Contact....no calls, texts, emails, IMS, he had no social networking pages to stalk, messenger pigeon etc. I emailed him once during that entire year and he did not reply. It was only after a year of complete NC that we got back into contact and are now amicable.

[red shoes]

Married affair partners offering friendship are just trying to keep you tethered until you have a weak moment.

 

Cut the cord, and free yourself from the madness.

 

So it's all about the "affair?" If all they want is hang around and break you down?

 

No "real love" or relationship to speak of?

 

Do married affair partners not want to waste time (so they could find someone else to cheat with) or they feel too much pain/hurt from the broken affair?

[red shoes]

For me it was...he initiated NC and it was an entire year of No Contact....no calls, texts, emails, IMS, he had no social networking pages to stalk, messenger pigeon etc. I emailed him once during that entire year and he did not reply. It was only after a year of complete NC that we got back into contact and are now amicable.

 

May I ask if you were the xAP or xMW? He was the xAP or xMM?

 

Why do you think he initiated NC? Would you have wanted to be in contact if he hadn't initiated NC?

[anne1707]

Red Shoes

 

I am curious. What is your motive behind this thread? All you are doing is asking questions without actually adding anything to the discussion. Are you involved in an affair? Do you have opinions about those involved in affairs? What are you hoping to establish from this thread?

 

At the moment, this just seems like an interrogation to put it bluntly.

[mzdolphin]

So it's all about the "affair?" If all they want is hang around and break you down?

 

No "real love" or relationship to speak of?

 

Do married affair partners not want to waste time (so they could find someone else to cheat with) or they feel too much pain/hurt from the broken affair?

 

 

I'm talking about the married person trying to keep their affair partner tethered. Of course some married people might love their affair partners, but for the most part if they truly loved the person, they would either end their so-called bad marriage or they wouldn't want to put their affair partner through the pain of hanging on and watching them remain in a marriage.

 

Could you imagine claiming to love a guy yet expect or even be ok with him waiting for months and years while you break things off with your live-in lover who you continue to have sex with? Could you really do that to somebody you love?

[MissBee]

May I ask if you were the xAP or xMW? He was the xAP or xMM?

 

Why do you think he initiated NC? Would you have wanted to be in contact if he hadn't initiated NC?

 

Neither of us were married...he had a longterm gf whom he had a child with and I was single.

 

I complained many times about our relationship and not being satisfied and had tried to still be friends....but none of us ever decided to just cut each other off. I did not know why he initiated NC when he did. I just felt like he was being cruel...as I went from hearing from him daily, to weekly, to not at all with no explanation. I had to make up my own reasons: he was found out and decided to just let it go, they got married and he didn't want to tell me so disappeared, etc. A year later he returned and said that he did it because the situation wasn't enough for me, I deserved more and he wanted more but he couldn't give it so he felt like it was best he just disappeared, as he couldn't be friends amicably as his feelings would continue to grow, he said he thought about me all the time, didn't stop loving me, wanted to say something but didn't know what to say and it was difficult for him to do what he did as well. However, I'll never know if part of it was also that he was forced because of a dday between him and the gf.

 

At the time I was upset...but it makes sense and I thank him for it and respect him more for choosing that route. I had tried the friend thing...it didn't work, we always fell back into a romantic pattern (even now, we speak occasionally, and I think there will always be chemistry and romantic undertones). If he had not initiated NC and stuck to it, I wouldn't have been able to let him go and also grow in a way I needed to. It couldn't be halfway it had to be black or white...we're together and going somewhere or not. I don't know if his reasons were as altruistic as he says...part of me is suspicious that the gf played a role in that choice as well....but whatever it was, I am glad it happened as it did as when I compare that to my other relationships that had that back and forth one day you're in NC, one day you're not...this one allowed me to heal quicker, I respect him more and we're friends now.

[18Years2Late]

My xMM was one who made MANY, MANY promises to me and always spoke of the future in terms of us being together. He referred to BW as his xW and would say things like he was just "technically married". Every day - this is not an exaggeration - every day he told me just how much he hated her.

 

When d-day occurred he flew to her protection and completely villified me to appease her. He turned on me very abruptly. I was deeply disappointed; and, I have no doubt he was probably telling her just how much he hated me. That still has me seething.

 

So, because of my particular experience, when I saw this:

 

 

 

I had to take a very deep breath and count to 10; several times actually. I think I can almost get my head wrapped around why this innocent post made such a flash of anger bolt straight through me.

 

As the OW, I felt a huge sense of betrayal too. xMM was just too busy putting on the "Happy Married Couple Show" to notice.

 

HOWEVER...

 

xMM has come around twice now under the guise of "friendship". The first time was about 3 months after d-day. He was very passionate in telling me how worried he was about me but he never really properly apologized for hurting me or for LYING. In his mind, his actions were about just doing what he had to in order to keep all his precious stuff in tact. I was just the lesser amount of collateral damage.

 

My head was still spinning and I was trying to separate out the real truths. So, even though I never let him so much as lay a finger on me, I was far too gentle with him. We were "friends" for something like 8-10 weeks. Though I didn't recognize it at the time, I know now it was just a continuation of the deeply connected and emotional part of our relationship.

 

Then, his wife went bat-crap crazy (deservedly so). Drama - drama - drama ensued. He was gone again.

 

Several months go by without so much as a whisper. I thought he was gone from me forever at that point.

 

Astonishingly enough, two weeks ago, I posted that xMM had come around once again. This time was so different. His effort was pathetically minimal and I was nowhere near gentle. I shut him down very coldly. I was actually a bit surprised at myself, but I know it was the right thing do.

 

Never ever in the history of everdom will this SOB use me again to soothe his ego or to stoke the fires in his ridiculous farce of a marriage. I am DONE.

 

NO - in a situation such as mine, my suggestion is to NOT ever attempt to be friends.

 

**Ahhhh!** Thank you for allowing me that rant. It was actually cathartic! WOW - I really feel better!

 

HA! I guess I am healing a little faster than I thought!

 

I can breathe again.

 

Amen Sista Lilith!!!!...I also have a bat $hit crazy BS on my hands 4 months later...

 

OP...H&LL 2 THE NO!!!...if xMM were the last man on god's green earth, I wouldn't pi$$ on him if he were on fire in the middle of the street...

 

I mean really...do people normally choose to remain friends with someone who lies, cheats, steals, and abuses them for their own selfish gain (xMM or otherwise)???...I think not...

 

Good riddance buddy boy...don't ever come back!!!

[Lemon Drop]

Lemon Drop, I will be cheering for you!

 

And me to you, Lilith! You are a Gladiator!

[skylarblue]

MM and I have only been over for 3wks. We decided that we would maintain a platonic friendship. I guess the main reason is because MM wants to, and I think I owe it to him. He did put a lot on the line for me and was loyal to me. I don’t think he has an ulterior motive, although I do think at this moment he hopes it may keep the door open for us to get back together. I think it’s because he loves me and wants me to be in his life even if we’re only friends. I think it ultimately it would be best for us not to be friends simply because of the nature of our R. He had a LTA on his W. It just doesn’t seem appropriate or comfortable. I also think it prolongs and increases the emotional aspects that came with the R, the feelings that I have about him and his M and the wondering what’s going on between them now that I’m not a factor. It just seems like I/we have to work on us being friends than just being friends which I think is the difference between a “normal” friendship for me. I don’t have mental time schedules on the frequency I call my friends like I do with MM. I don’t prepare myself (what’s off-limits to ask, what shouldn’t I say) or become nervous or wonder if I’m behaving correctly when I call my friends like MM. And my friends don’t have to hang up, not answer or whisper to me if their mate is in the room/house when I call.

[jj33]

MM and I have only been over for 3wks. We decided that we would maintain a platonic friendship. I guess the main reason is because MM wants to, and I think I owe it to him. He did put a lot on the line for me and was loyal to me. I don’t think he has an ulterior motive, although I do think at this moment he hopes it may keep the door open for us to get back together. I think it’s because he loves me and wants me to be in his life even if we’re only friends. I think it ultimately it would be best for us not to be friends simply because of the nature of our R. He had a LTA on his W. It just doesn’t seem appropriate or comfortable. I also think it prolongs and increases the emotional aspects that came with the R, the feelings that I have about him and his M and the wondering what’s going on between them now that I’m not a factor. It just seems like I/we have to work on us being friends than just being friends which I think is the difference between a “normal” friendship for me. I don’t have mental time schedules on the frequency I call my friends like I do with MM. I don’t prepare myself (what’s off-limits to ask, what shouldn’t I say) or become nervous or wonder if I’m behaving correctly when I call my friends like MM. And my friends don’t have to hang up, not answer or whisper to me if their mate is in the room/house when I call.

 

Skylar what a great post. You were with MM for so long hope you are OK.

 

So many things you said ring so true. I just put the karate chop to the friendship a few days ago and its so strange. he was so upset oh why cant we be friends blah blah blah, translated oh why cant I call you and get a big ego boost every time I speak to you.

 

Skylar honey you owe this man NOTHING. He was good to you in many ways but you were great to him as well. You dont owe him your friendship. You can wish him well in your heart and hope he finds happiness in the future but now that its over you dont have to be there for him emotionally unless it works for YOU.

 

I would assume you are going to need time to heal too. this is about you now. Not him.

 

Take care

[confusedinkansas]

My XAP & I have been over with the affair for years. Probably close to 4 with the actual affair. 3 years since we hung out & attempted the friendship gig. We gave that the ole' college try for about a year.

 

Anyway - He still pops into my life via email from time to time asking to 'be friends'

Funny thing is - I actually (at first) believed him. That he wanted to be friends.

This last round of email exchanges tells a whole different story.

The only time he wants to be friends is when his current live-in-wants-to-get-married-but-he-doesn't-girlfriend goes out of town. Poor lonely boy doesn't have anyone to hang out with

Then & only then does he talk of "friendship" & 'let's get a drink & catch up.'

Fraud! Yes. Apparently he thinks I'm stupid - Not as stupid as I was 6 years ago - That's for sure.

 

My feelings on total NC - I think it's necessary at the very beginning. If you can be friends after that then GOOD FOR YOU - Truly!!! I wish he & I could be friends - Just ain't gonna happen at this time in our lives at least.