Can't cope with this hurt

[Doug83]

Firstly I've been using site for the past year in helping me with my break up, it has provided me with great insight in how to cope and ultimately the steps needed to move on. However, I suppose Ive finally posted as things ultimately I'm struggling and keep having moments of weakness. I basically need support as I feel I can't talk to my best friend about it anymore.

 

I was with my ex girlfriend, who is 21, for over 3 and a half years. Things were great but difficult at times due to her eating disorder and mental issues. She was very dependant on me and to be honest i dedicated a lot of time to her but at the same time i never had enough time to do things on my own or with friends. As well as that our sex life was poor, she was only comfortable when drunk and she had issues being naked. You guys are prob thinking 'this guy wants to be relieved it over'. Well I am but as lot you know it still doesn't make it easy.

 

Now I was her first boyfriend, I met her while she was recovering from her anorexia. Although I didn't know much about the disease I helped her and things were fine despite the mentioned above. We were both very much in love and decided to get married. The venue was paused for, wedding dress bought we were both looking forward to the big day. Then just over 13 months ago I got the bomb shell 'I don't know what I want, I want no regrets 5 years down the line'. We broke up for 3 weeks before deciding to have a go again. Needless to say it was a disaster and we split up just after Christmas. From coming on here I recognised it was classic GIGS, Homebrews fantastic post helped me understand it. But ultimately I understood it too as being 28 I knew what it was like being that age.

 

So I went NC. I had too. As soon as we split she was seeing someone after three weeks, it obv turned out to be a rebound and as soon it ended the texts started appearing on my phone. I never replied. She then appeared at the gym where I work out, unusual for her as she hates exercise. We then started having little contact and she confessed to be feeling the same since we split up, 'I don't know what I want'. Foolishly by me we tried again. But as you know the same thing happened, we split up a month later. This time though I got ' I need to be by myself while I get better'. At this time she was suffering depression, she was on the wrong type of medication and her moods would change constantly. So anyway I went back in no contact.

 

A few weeks later I discovered she was seeing someone again. It was harsh but that was the situation. I just got on with it. Then one night I was out enjoying myself with friends when I bumped into her. I wish her and the new partner the best but explained that I can't ever be friends and that she needs to stop texting me, which I forgot to add she was doing again. She then asked 'do you want some fun'. Being drink and so bloody stupid I don't need to explain what happened. The next day I was back to square one. Nightmare and through my own actions.

 

This was two months ago, after that we were in LC and she continued to see the other lad. About 6 weeks ago I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and didn't want her. For two days I got over 55 missed calls and 60 texts to my phone. Everything from 'I can't cope without you, I cant settle, I'm scared in going to do something silly'. On the third day she ended up banging on the door, begging for a chance again. We tried again but a month later it was me who decided to end it this time.

 

I ended it basically because of trust issues, I discovered she had tried to contact the lad she was previously seeing through text and calls while she was out one night. He never replied but I had enough. I was tortuing myself over the last year and it was me who had to break the cycle. I was mentally exhausted. I deserve better. However now I'm annoyed, she's in a relationship with the lad she was previously seeing and who she wastrying to contact while we were together.

 

Now I would like to apologise for the length of the post, I've tried to cut it down but so much has happened. I live in a small town so contact can be frequent. I bumped into them both last night and they looked so happy. Why do I feel bitter when I should be relieved and free of her? Im also anxious of what might happpen in the future, her behaviour isn't healthy and I'm basically dealing with someone who is mentally and emotionally unstable. I have anxiety that I won't be strong for when she comes calling again. Basically I know her inside out, I know she does have feelings for this new boyfriend but I also know she hates that im not there. Has anyone ever dealt with someone who is mentally ill? Do they eventually stop or is it a constant rollercoaster? She even said to me three weeks ago that she was scared of being alone and that her mind changes all the time. I suppose she has no confidence in her decision making abilities. She also added that she can't imagine me not being there. I guess she wants me as the carer to her problems as she won't tell the new boyfriend of her mental issues. Seeing them last night was a blow to the guts, I hate it. I hate thinking about her and I want this hurt and anxiety to go away.

[EgoJoe]

Who cares what she thinks or how she feels? Oh, you do...well thats very normal, nice and mature of you.

 

Sadly, she is not in the same place.

 

If you say you can't guess what, you won't. Now...if you say you can you will. Time, space, and distance will provide perspective. Come here to vent. You are not alone in this dark time.

 

You will come out of this stronger, more aware and better equipped to deal with ALL of your future relationships platonic, interpersonal and beyond.

 

EJ

[Berlington Bob]

Well if you've been reading threads on LS you probably know what people are going to tell you but it's good to get your feelings written down. It is said that if you can write something, you give yourself permission to let go of it.

 

As for the relationship, I would be of the opinion that you should do NC again and just learn from your mistakes, if she tempts you with a good time kick yourself in the nuts mentaly and remember that that's what got you back into this in the first place. I doubt you'll get contrasting advice from people on here considering how much you tried to make it work. In the end you have to decide how many more times you're going to get burned.

 

As for the mental illness part, I'm no Dr. but I would say she has major bipolar issues and she doesn't seem to be able to be alone. I would also be willing to bet there was some sort of physical/sexual abuse in her past especially considering the eating disorder. My ex has OCD with an emphasis on the O. She had pills she was supposed to take but when she wouldn't she would take the smallest problems in our relatinoship and turn them into major "we have to fix this or we can't be together" ones. Then she decided to go off her meds for 3 weeks. She met a guy at a bar for 2 hours and obsessed about him for 4 or so days and then decided that she wanted to date him. So you can try to work through issues like that as I thought I could but the reality is that she will probably be unhappy for a very long time and if she isn't willing to get help for the issues it most certainly won't work.

[nu464]

How to cope with horibble gas and pains while on campus. I am hurting and can't go home. Help.?

 

I have tried going to the restroom, laying down in a comfy chair, and doing other things. But I am having very bad gas pains. Is there anything I do, eat, or drink to make this go away or at least managable until I can go home. I am on campus and I can't leave. I feel like crying.

[JudgeJuryExecutioner]

Doug83, I am going to give you advice at odds with general consensus. Your situation is virtually identical to my own. If you actually love her, you'll get sucked into the emotional vortex- that is the cost. The behavior will not continue indefinitely but it will certainly repeat itself (correct clinical treatment being the necessary precondition). Your choice is as follows: self-preservation or long protracted madness. Some may argue against "one-sided emotional rescues" as counter-productive and futile, however, soul-search, and the conclusion might be love in opposition to personal egoism (not the parasitical type, addiction, etc). Disconnect yourself, then love her. The higher the emotional risk the bigger the payout, yet the higher probability of emotional bankruptcy. PS: look up BPD.

[Doug83]

Wow, thanks for the feedback. I've looked up certain things and can definately relate it to her mental behaviour. I suppose that's the only thing I stuggle with, comparing the break up between a healthy and non healthy relationship. I'm in no doubt she won't tell her new boyfriend of her mental condition, hence why she's has been desperate to remain friends. She's obv trying to live a normal life. At the same time I don't know how much of her illness anything to do with this, prob not a lot. I suppose being in her condition it would be daunting knowing that she's wants other things but is scared as losing me because she's dependent. Nevertheless I ended it for my own sanity. I just need to stay strong and regect her when the predictable behaviour returns even tho its been over month of NC.

[JudgeJuryExecutioner]

Don't sacrifice your own personal dignity on the altar of her emotional needs anymore. That's exploitation. No self-respecting man ever would allow a woman to exploit him for her own emotional support while she maintains the luxury to have sex with other men. Love her and yourself by being above this.

[Downtown]

Doug, I agree with JJE and Bob that the behaviors you describe sound like strong traits of BPD or bipolar disorder. But it sounds closer to BPD traits than bipolar. I say this because several traits you mention -- fear of being alone, clinging behavior, not knowing who she is or what she wants, lack of impulse control, a rapid cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, and an "I am a victim" mentality -- are hallmarks of BPD. I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of my bipolar foster son for much longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists in weekly visits for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found six clear differences between the two disorders.

 

One difference is seen in the frequency of the mood changes you say your exGF has. Bipolar mood swings typically are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. A second difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours).

 

A third difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action from you. A fourth difference is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry. Granted, meds can give relief to the side effects such as depression and anxiety but meds cannot repair the underlying issues.

 

A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. The vast majority of BPDers act out, releasing their anger in temper tantrums and verbal abuse. Yet, because you don't mention those two behaviors, I note that a small share of BPDers "act in," i.e., they turn their anger inward on themselves and punish their partners with passive-aggressive remarks and icy withdrawal. These folks are often referred to as "quiet borderlines" or "waif borderlines."

 

A sixth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period -- even though they sometimes may claim otherwise. I caution that, although the red flags for BPD and bipolar traits are not difficult to spot, only a professional can determine whether your exGF has such severe traits that she has full-blown BPD or bipolar disorder. I also caution that a small portion of BPDers suffer from bipolar disorder too.

 

Doug, I agree with the other posters who are advising you to stay out of that toxic relationship. Yet, even if you do that, you are at risk of running right into the arms of another woman just like her. I say this because caregivers like us are strongly attracted to women who project vulnerability, indicating that they desperately need us. Our problem is that our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). I therefore suggest that you read more about BPD traits so you know what red flags to look out for. An easy place to start reading is my post in Pat's thread concerning his GF. It starts at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3736365#post3736365. If that discussion rings a bell and you have questions, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to good online resources. Take care, Doug, and welcome to the LS forum.

Edited November 24, 2011 by Downtown