Devoted33 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Last January, my wife and I found out that she was pregnant. Shortly after that, she admitted that she had cheated on me with a coworker and that the baby could be his. I made the decision to forgive her and be there for her and the baby. I continued to go with her to all of her prenatal doctor appointments and I was present for the birth in September. I have since been to almost every doctor appointment for the baby. I was under the impression that the cheating had been over since the first incident until about 2 weeks ago when my wife told me that she had been cheating on me since last November with the same guy. She told me that she loved both of us and that she was not happy with me. I of course didn't take it very well. The night she told me that she had still been cheating she came home and asked if I would take her back. I agreed to take her back because I do still deeply love her and the baby. Things have seemed to be going sorts in the right direction, but tonight I made a comment that she only stayed with me during the affair was for my paycheck. This of course did not make her happy and now she says she doesn't think our marraige will work if I keep holding things over her head. I badly want things to work out even though we just got DNA results back confirming that I am not the father. Is there any hope or does anyone have any suggestions as to how to make things better?
sadcalifornian Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I say, walk away. First of all, she is a serial cheater, although with the same OM. Secondly, she does not seem remorseful at all, which is shocking considering she is pregnant with OM's baby. She has no respect for you and this shows the state of your marriage. Lastly, DNA test showed the baby is OM's. I don't know what positive quality she has that you seem not being able to get over, but you don't have much left in this relationship that you can salvage. I am sorry. Sometimes D should be the right answer to save your sanity.
Darren Steez Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 What suggestions could anybody possibly give you to make things better after your wife cheated, had a baby with another man and still continued to cheat. the fact you come on here asking for suggestions like a wet towel should tell you all you need to know about yourself. You are a doormat, husband to an unfaithful wife, father to a child that's not yours and you continue to sail through life with your eyes closed and a heart full of good intentions. But good intentions won't make your wife respect you, nor will looking after a child and being a stand-up guy. Get a divorce, that will make you feel better, otherwise continue on whistling in the wind.
Lemon Drop Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Can this even be a real question? Just in case it is, let's look 18 years down the road. You have spent countless nights and days raising the child and waiting for your wife to come home. Not only is she cheating with this guy, she's cheating with consecutive ones. You've invested time, money and love on the child who can be ripped away from you if your wife chooses to (Is there another post that the child is not yours, here it says may not be). Your wife is chewing you up and spitting you out and using you while she goes out and lives her real life. Is that OK with you? And you love her, why? What happened to you in your childhood to make you accept being treated like this? Absent father, strong mother? IC would be a good way for you to get your life back in balance. Probably a male counseler. Good luck.
Bryanp Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I don't mean to be harsh but are you out of your mind???? Your wife cheats on you and gets pregnant by her lover and puts your health at risk for STD's. You forgive her (?) and stay with her through all of her appointments. She then tells you that she never stopped cheating with her lover and you take her back? This is what you have: 1. A cheating wife who continues to cheat on you and lie to your face. 2. A cheating wife who continues to put your health at risk for STD's. 3. A cheating wife who is pregnant with her lover's baby and expects you to pay for it for the next 18 years. Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? Only a masochist would stay in this so-called relationship. She is staying for your paycheck. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Stop being a doormat and see AN ATTORNEY NOW. She is absolutely toxic to you. How can you not see this? There is nobody as blind as someone who refuses to see.
Spark1111 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 It takes anywhere from 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity; perhaps a lifetime if you are raising another man's child. It takes the cheating spouse to be hugely remorseful and willing to anything and everything to heal the spouse they betrayed. IC and MC too! You, I am sorry to say, have not mentioned any of this. Beware the cheater who says you have to get over it anytime before you are ready to. I think your wife IS using you for your paycheck. I am not convinced it is over with the OM, or the OM has temporarily run away from her now that he has fathered a child with her. For the rest of the child's life, you will have NO legal rights to raise and care for the child as it is not your own. That means the OM can claim visitation and custody. I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of future heartache. You have a cheating and unremorseful spouse who is then very likely to cheat again, and a child you have no claim to. I rarely advise this, but I think you need to divorce and find a woman who loves you and cares for you and wants to raise your children with you. That's who deserves your paycheck, your respect and your love.
norajane Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 You can't fix your marriage by yourself. And your wife isn't interested in fixing your marriage. She wants to continue cheating, and likely will since she knows you'll keep taking her back. What does she need to do before you choose to walk away?
The Straightener Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 This chick is a waste of space and you should drop her like a hot potato. It's unfortunate for the child. But that's her fault, not yours. So she and her OM can take care of their kid.
robf1971 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Do you have a Cuckold fantasy or something? Seems like you have zero pride and just continually accept the bullcrap she keeps jamming down your throat - and you come right back begging for more. If I were you, I'd try to find out why you have no pride or dignity at all and continue to play doormat for this worthless woman. Wow Listen to this OP Yes you need to go to counselling and find out why you are allowing her to do this to you. You are not repsecting yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? Throw this woman out now....
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Things have seemed to be going sorts in the right direction, but tonight I made a comment that she only stayed with me during the affair was for my paycheck. This of course did not make her happy and now she says she doesn't think our marraige will work if I keep holding things over her head. I badly want things to work out even though we just got DNA results back confirming that I am not the father. Is there any hope or does anyone have any suggestions as to how to make things better? She is threatening you? And your scared enough to just take it? You need to somehow find your testicles again and kick her out. Nobody in their right mind would accept this kind of treatment.
RobD70 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Last January, my wife and I found out that she was pregnant. Shortly after that, she admitted that she had cheated on me with a coworker and that the baby could be his. I made the decision to forgive her and be there for her and the baby. WHY? Whywhywhywhy would you do that? The only sensible course of action is to tell them to GTFO! She got knocked up by an Alpha and she wants her Beta BS to raise the kid. Why on Earth would agree to be disrespected like that? The night she told me that she had still been cheating she came home and asked if I would take her back. I agreed to take her back because I do still deeply love her and the baby. No, you are co-dependent and lack self esteem. You are afraid to be alone. She is only with you because she sees you are a provider for her love child. She has no respect for you and I'm sure is happy you became a doormat instead of standing up for yourself after being caught screwing another guy. Things have seemed to be going sorts in the right direction, but tonight I made a comment that she only stayed with me during the affair was for my paycheck.Duh. This of course did not make her happy and now she says she doesn't think our marraige will work if I keep holding things over her head. She is trying to manipulate you, she will never leave you because she needs you but she knows she can bluff you to keep you in line. I badly want things to work out even though we just got DNA results back confirming that I am not the father. Is there any hope or does anyone have any suggestions as to how to make things better?Why would you want to stay with her? You can make things a million times better by getting the hell out. If you stay things will not end well for you. She is now going to be tied to the OM because of the child and will probably screw him for the next few years, assuming she doesn't leave you for him eventually. Not all marriages should be saved and if anyone had a good reason to get out its you. If you stay, you will just be used more.
road Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Time to have your name removed from the BC and have the OM legally and financially responsible for the OC. Time to divorce WW and let the OC be raised by it's bio parents. Time to find a new wife.
reboot Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Time to have your name removed from the BC and have the OM legally and financially responsible for the OC. It's too late for that. In the USA anyway.
Chi townD Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Nah, he can still fight getting his name off of the birth certificate. It will cost a pretty penny, but he has proof that the kid isn't his. Dude, time to walk. She told you that she's in love with the BOTH of you...i.e. she's in love with someone else. She has no respect for you because you don't have any respect for yourself. Wake up call!!!! How long are you going to put up with this behavior? Would she still be around if you were the one cheating and fathered someone else's kid? I highly doubt it. You need to start looking out for yourself!
nofool4u Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) I made a comment that she only stayed with me during the affair was for my paycheck. probably not so much for a paycheck as it is for convenience, not wanting to go through divorce, moving out, etc. This of course did not make her happy LOL, ya, well tough sh**. She didn't make you happy, why does she get to be shielded from the consequences of her actions? and now she says she doesn't think our marraige will work if I keep holding things over her head. So basically she wants a free pass and wants you to just drop it eh? I think you need to contact a good divorce attorney and don't let her know about it until the day she is served papers. I badly want things to work out even though we just got DNA results back confirming that I am not the father. Wow, just wow. She cheats on you, has a baby with another man, tells you to basically shut your mouth and get over it, or she will be the one holding the cards? Boy, she has successfully gaslighted you. Is there any hope or does anyone have any suggestions as to how to make things better? Sure there is hope. If you shut your mouth, take her abuse and cheating, and agree to raise, and pay for, another man's child. Edited November 21, 2011 by nofool4u
Calif_hope Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Posters on here are putting to much weight. In all of our 50 states and territories - the husband, in a marriage (mo matter the status) is the presumed father - NO MATTER WHO IS LISTED ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. He us the husband of this wh***, he held himself out to be the babies father pre/post birth...he is the dad. As it stands now, if they divorse, he is on the hook for child support and anything else his state puts in their orders. The DNA test does not matter unless he obtains a finding of paternity order (called different in different states)..... The longer he stays in the marriage and assumes the role of father to the community the harder it will be to overturn the presumption of paternity. In my state their is a infamous case of a married woman who had an affair, reconciled and husband knowingly became father to a child that was not his by genetics. Six months later she is back with her affair partner, divorces her husband and gets custody. Husband has to pay childsupport, fights it and loses, judge said too late to change in "the best interest of the child". Ex wife and new husband have their second child, she is into drugs, they divorce. She goes to jail, second husband gets custody of both kids. The first husband, the legal father of non-bio child is now paying child support and 1/2 medical bills to the bio-father...... Look into the future my friend, odds are against you. Your paycheck comment was right on....you are the better provider, than her AP. She came back to you with OM because of $$$$. You know your marriage is nit going to work out, believe me she knows the law and that getting a good CS order agaisnt you will be more lucrative than from her deadbeat AP. Tell your wife that you are willing to reconcile but you insist on getting the legal paternity issue cleared with the courts NOW.....non negotiable (imagine paying c/s to her after she gies back to her AP.... If you want, tell her after the marriage is more stable and secure you maybe willing to move up from step-dad to legal dad through adoption. Move know, time is critical, there is a point of no return.....once it's crossed. Your daddy no matter how many DNA test
nofool4u Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Posters on here are putting to much weight. In all of our 50 states and territories - the husband, in a marriage (mo matter the status) is the presumed father - NO MATTER WHO IS LISTED ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Thats not true. What happens is the husband ends up being the one listed on the BC, and even it it comes out later, or the husband knew and signed the BC anyway, will still be considered the father by the courts. And the *****ty part is, if a husband finds out later he is not the father, and they know who the father is, the courts will not free the husband from child support and go after the real dad. He us the husband of this wh***, he held himself out to be the babies father pre/post birth...he is the dad. Then this would assume the husband's name is on the BC. As it stands now, if they divorse, he is on the hook for child support and anything else his state puts in their orders. This IS absolutely true. Sucks, but its true. Thank goodness I know my kids are mine. Because after all these years, if I found out I wasn't, I couldn't abandon them. I have grown to love them and they are innocent in all of this. Six months later she is back with her affair partner, divorces her husband and gets custody. Husband has to pay childsupport, fights it and loses, judge said too late to change in "the best interest of the child". Well then there should be a law that if a husband, who isn't the bio dad, finds out, should be able to divorce, and assuming he is a fit parent, should be able to get custody from the mother. Because after all, it isn't in the best interest of the child to be raised by a wh0re who will lie and commit fraud to get another man to pay support. Just another reason why men are marriage shy these days.
Chi townD Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Cali is right....The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be. Do it quickly....then sue the real father for back child support. But this might be a dead thread....OP hasn't come back on. Hard to hear the truth sometimes.
riverman Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Talk to a divorce lawyer asap and see if it's not too late to solve the kid problem. It's not your child no reason to pay child support for 18 years,it can be hard to avoid unless you start the fight now. It was obvious she using you for a paycheck,she mad that you called her out on it. Like the op said she wants to sleep with an alpha and have the Beta pay all her expenses. She might have some love for but she gonna continue to use u and cheat again,just end the relationship and in the long run things will work themselves out.
scatterd Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 An Honorable man deserves a respectable honest woman to stand by his side. Be with someone who compliments your life rather then uses you and brings you down.You called her out on what she wants from you and she gave you disrespect in her answer.Where is her compassion for the pain she has caused you? Their is lovely woman out their who can make you happy and respect you. dont allow her to hurt you anymore.I wish you the best.
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