Am I just being insecure?

[LSgirl]

Me and my bf have been together over 10 months. Hes a very independent guy with different groups of friends. Im more of an introvert and like to stay home and always make time to see him. I also do hang out with my own friends. However, im used to hanging out with my exes all the time when we were together, but that was in my early 20s and we didnt have too many things to do.

 

Im 26 now and bf is 27. We hang out around 3 times a week. Last night i spent the night at his house and he said to his roommate that they were going to go and shoot guns at the range. My work schedule changes weekly so he doesn't know (or ask) what my schedule is like. We both ask each other to hang out on different nights so it's not just one-sided. I know his roommate is leaving in two weeks and prob wants to spend time with him, but it bothered me that he doesnt usually tell me his plans until that day or night before. Like i said earlier with old exes id sleep over and wed spend that whole next day together. Also, he was in an 8 year relationship with his ex-fiancee before, so I know he's not as oblivious as I may make him out to be.

 

Today he got a call from his work to come in for a couple hours at 3pm (this is true bc i saw part of a text message from his work pop on his iphone screen) then i overheard him telling his roommate after his work they can head out to the gun range if they have time but when I asked him how long he's working for, he said probably til 9pm so I don't think they'll be going. But then my bf also told me his friend invited him to a BBQ and wished he would have not said okay to work. So, he had an option to go in or not? That would mean he didn't hang out wtih me or his roommate, but would have still wanted to go to the BBQ later? ugh. The thing is, he knows ive always wanted to shoot guns but he didnt invite me, nor invite me to the bbq if he was going to go. Sometimes he invites me, sometimes not. I dont usually invite him out with my friends/coworkers bc they have nothing in common and i know my bf has lots of other ppl to hang out with and it doesn't bother him. Im glad he does invite me out other times tho. Am i just being needy?

 

Also he went to get takeout breakfast for us down the street on his motorcycle but didnt invite me to come. I know he's in a hurry since he still has to drop me off before going into work. I guess im more used to exes including me in everything, i want him to have fun but i know he has other friends he wants to see. And plus, he sort of changed plans on his roommate last minute since work came up. Understandable. Anyone else get like this though? Otherwise hes very caring, humanitarian, intelligent ( but quite the drinker lol) so i dont want to overlook his good qualities. I miss the honeymoon days when he'd text me "goodmorning sunshine" but I know most people on here have said that it can be exhausting to keep up honeymoon ways and that it's good he's comfortable. Most of the time I see him, I give him back rubs bc I know how much he likes them. He knows I like massages, but doesn't really do it back. Is he too comfortable though? It seems like when he was dropping me off, he had a lot of things on his mind, he was getting his gears for work, there was traffic, and we got to my place and he tooked off his helmet, I kissed him and said to call me later and he said he would.

 

How do i stop worrying hes having fun without me? I'm at home, and I've been feeling a bit sick/feverish so I will stay home even though it's Saturday. I almost feel sort of jealous he has so many things to do, so many people to see. I like staying at home so it doesn't bother me too much. I guess I just wish I was so fun he'd want to spend most of his time with me. Also, I try to come off more confident in person when I'm around him than how I show myself on here lol. What do you guys think? Relax and let him have his fun and try to keep busy myself? Or think he's getting too comfortable?

Edited November 20, 2011 by LSgirl

[toastboy]

Talk to him and be honest! Your over 10 months into a relationship, it's going to be really tiring the longer you have to pretend to be more confident around him. After the honeymoon period you're supposed to be comfortable around each other. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong, different people prefer to spend different amounts of time with their partners. If you're unhappy the way things are you need to discuss it with him.

[LSgirl]

Hi, thanks for replying. I feel like this is the first relationship that I'm not displaying as much insecurity/neediness and feel like his independence is a good challenge for me. I do trust him, so that parts not the issue. I just think that maybe I'm the one who's being insecure and need to let him have his fun. I don't think he's doing anything wrong either, it's just not what I'm used to. Maybe his last 8 year ex was very free-spirited and did her own thing, too. I'm just more of an introverted/grounded than he is, and maybe that's okay too. It'll make me appreciate my own independence and not be co-dependent on him? I'm just confused as to whether he should be spending more time with me, or that I should be less insecure about his outgoing/free ways. The last thing I want to do is push him away. He's not the type to open up his feelings, as his actions show more than his words.

[baguette]

You don't sound insecure at all. It's just a difference in relationships styles. You should date somebody whose lifestyle is similar to yours, otherwise you'll always feel dissatisfied about it.

[grkBoy]

How do i stop worrying hes having fun without me?

 

Get a personal life.

[LSgirl]

So, I'm even more confused now. Since he dropped me off on Saturday afternoon, I e-mailed him that night saying how I still felt a little bit sick and that I was going to sleep. I attached a song that reminded me of him and gave him a kiss on the e-mail. He never called that night but I assume it's bc he read the e-mail and thought I would be sleeping which is fine. The next day I never heard from him (yesterday) the e-mail didn't require a response but it would have been nice if he did reply.

 

So then I call him around 7:30pm last night. He was very drunk (which doesn't bother me, he likes to drink/relax on the weekends) and he said he was watching a show "The Walking Dead". I shouldn't have kept talking to him since he was drunk anyway. I asked him how his day was and I couldn't really hear what he was saying, he just said he had a busy day. Then I asked about the show and then talked about a show I recommended and he interrupted and said sort of jokingly "I'm trying to watch the show" and then I said "okay well I'll talk to you later" and he said "you know im just kidding. are you mad?" I didn't want to keep talking to him when he was drunk. He said he'd call me in 30 min but I didn't expect him to since he was too drunk to rememeber and he never did. Then this morning I e-mailed him around 10am (he goes to work at 8am) and I wrote "Hey how are you? I called you last night but you didn't sound too good" and no reply. That was 3 hours ago. I know it was only 3 hours ago, but i feel like I haven't really from him since he's dropped me off on Saturday. It's Monday today. I think I'm just over-analyzing and being paranoid about this. I was thinking about texting him but I don't want to bother him anymore. Maybe he's busy at work even though he's usually pretty good about responding to e-mails. Should I just not bother him anymore and wait for him to contact me?

 

Tonight his roommate's band is opening for another band I want to see. Last week he said he might try to get free tickets, but haven't talked about it since. I would think he wouldn't go to it without me since he hadn't even heard of that band and knows I like them. If I don't hear from him at all today, then I know something's up. We usually talk to each other at least once a day so I'm just worried. It's about 1PM now and i hate how much I let these paranoias effect myself. I should just not even think about it and carry on about my day.

[nixa]

It sounds like you've done all the initiating in the last 3 days. I wouldn't contact him again, it makes you look insecure. Wait for him to get ahold of you.

[Million.to.1]

So are you guys back together?

 

LSgirl.... whenever i read your posts, I think of my own relatonship.

Please update us on what happened after he told you didn't see a future with you,broke up with you, broke your heart, then wrote you an email and you went for coffee, but still didn't know what was happening.

 

What did he say? You are taking things slow, yes? But back together?

 

If you are back together.. what has changed? Sounds like you are back to where you were 2 months ago.

 

You read into things way to much, as do I. You need to think through why you have these fears and what the underlying message is.

 

My boyfriend will not break up with me because he cannot not look within himself and see what motivates his behavior and the things he says. I do, and can see that the bottom line is that he doesn't love and probably never will. But I'm fun and convenient and that's all he needs right now.

But I need more!

But I am scared of being alone.. and that's why i put up with it.

[snowflakes88]

Yes, you sound needy and insecure. However, I checked your post history and I think it's justified. This man told you to stop chasing love from him because he'd never love you, and recommended you find it elsewhere. Of course you're insecure. Who cares if he decided he was open to reconciliation? I think any woman would wonder how he really feels, whether he only came back b/c your relationship is comfortable, if he's only in it until something "better" comes along, etc. I can understand your desire to be back in the relationship, but I don't see how you could ever feel really secure with someone who has told you they aren't ever going to love you and you should find another man who can. I doubt anyone could.

[RiverRunning]

Almost a year in and he says he won't ever love you. What can you possibly do to change his mind? nothing - that's something that has a chance in the first few months but at this point it's obvious that he's probably not going to be with you long-term. At your ages, I really do believe in the idea that around the year-mark, you know if you are with a long-term/potential lifelong partner or not. Not always, but generally. You're at that point and he's still balking. The only thing that will happen to you is that you'll spend several months or years more chasing after his love.

 

You mentioned something in your earlier posts that gave me the impression that you've behaved like this in past relationships. Did somebody cheat on you? It seems like you are constantly hovering over this guy's shoulder and you over-analyze when he hasn't responded to you over a period of a few hours. You over-analyze when he doesn't invite you to participate in something. Some of this seems to be justified given the history of the relationship - but some of it might also indicate a long-standing insecurity within you.

 

My honest feeling is that it's time to bail though, given what I mentioned in the first paragraph. If you hope to have kids, you can't waste anymore time on a guy who says he can't love you after a year together.