Author wow123 Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 If you read my posts, I went back to her when I saw that she was with someone else. Did that bother the hell out of me? Of course it did. If that's insecure than I'm pretty sure everyone on here including myself has that same insecurity. It's hurtful to be replaced in a few days time. The advice I'm looking for is why did seeing that she's with someone else trigger me to contact her and fight to get her back. I'm trying to figure out if I made a mistake ending things, or I want what I can't have.
wilsonx Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 The advice I'm looking for is why did seeing that she's with someone else trigger me to contact her and fight to get her back. Im going to tell you why your feelings changed the way they did, its your mind. One of the most basic human drives in life is the desire to feel important. You are showing that right now. You no longer feel important, so when I pinpoint your insecurity and show it to you, you backlash on me. You no longer feel important to the person you were with for so many months straight. You said yourself, you were doing fine for a couple months and then you go back and shes moved on. Guess what, you no longer feel important and you are here. When you broke up with her, she no longer felt important to you so she went off and found someone that gave her that need of importance. Now here's the kicker, if you feel important to your own self, you don't need anything or anyone else. You can find somebody that compliments and not supplements you. And that is love, not what you posted. You are not going to get a better definition of that then this ^^^^^^^^ Read it, walk away for a day or two and come back and read it. If you love somebody, you let them go, there's no desire or drive to try and fight for them back. Let them go. Fighting for her back now is ego driven basically you want what you cant have. This is not love, this is a selfish need I'm trying to figure out if I made a mistake ending things, or I want what I can't have. If neither one of you were happy then it was not a poor decision. This again is an insecurity that you will overcome in the long run. You have to learn to trust yourself. Once you reach that level of trust in yourself, you will be unstoppable. Give yourself time and the ability to realize you make mistakes and the opportunity to grow
geegirl Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) Wow123, I think it's just a case of your ego getting bruised. You can't stand the fact that she has moved on when you're the one that broke up with her. You expected her to be crying, begging and hurting and that would have been validation of her feelings for you and some way you may have felt a certain power over her. The fact that she hasn't shown you that and has moved on to someone else, you've lost in some way a grip over her and her moving on is invalidating you. Look, she was pushing you away when she was clingy and needy. She will always be this way. If that is a trait that was unattractive to you, if she ever came back, that trait would still be unattractive to you. She would still push you away. You may choose to ignore it for the time being if you got back with her, but in time when that comfort level sets back in, and she starts to cling, it will annoy you and push you away again. You broke up for a reason. That reason will still be there. She will behave the same way with her new boyfriend and if he likes that, he will accept her for the way she is. Unfortunately, you can't tolerate those behaviors, so you ended it. You only went back to her because you could not stand the fact of being replaced. It's your ego. You made the right decision. Edited November 21, 2011 by geegirl
wilsonx Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Geegirl dont post anymore You are now 1337 (leet) haha =)
Author wow123 Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 Wilson-I appreciate the advice. I do miss her love and attention. I will not deny that. Neither of us were happy at the end. I'm just not sure exactly why. That's the tough part. GeeGirl- Thank you for your response. I didn't exactly expect her to beg for me. We both said we'd probably get back together in the near future. I was shocked/upset to see that she started seeing someone else a few days later and was in a relationship within a months time. It definitely was hurtful/a shot to my ego. For some reason I now have myself convinced that either she won't act that way again. I pulled away and she chased/acted needy. Or, I think I will like it an/or can handle it for the sake of being with her. I guess that doesn't really matter now since she: A-Is happy with someone else and wants nothing to do with me. B-I have pushed her so far away that she will never come back no matter how that relationship pans out. C-Is with someone else, something I may not ever be able to get passed.
geegirl Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Geegirl dont post anymore You are now 1337 (leet) haha =) Aw rats! I promise I wasn't following you . You boys need to be separated.
geegirl Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Wilson-I appreciate the advice. I do miss her love and attention. I will not deny that. Neither of us were happy at the end. I'm just not sure exactly why. That's the tough part. GeeGirl- Thank you for your response. I didn't exactly expect her to beg for me. We both said we'd probably get back together in the near future. I was shocked/upset to see that she started seeing someone else a few days later and was in a relationship within a months time. It definitely was hurtful/a shot to my ego. For some reason I now have myself convinced that either she won't act that way again. I pulled away and she chased/acted needy. Or, I think I will like it an/or can handle it for the sake of being with her. I guess that doesn't really matter now since she: A-Is happy with someone else and wants nothing to do with me. B-I have pushed her so far away that she will never come back no matter how that relationship pans out. C-Is with someone else, something I may not ever be able to get passed. Well, don't take me using the word "beg" so literally. You expected her to pine and show hurtful feelings of loss. She may have found someone that caters to her behaviors, enables and encourages it and to her that is exactly what she needs. You will never be able to do that for her because it's a trait that is unattractive to you. You will get past it. Just give yourself time. Remember, you chose to break up with her for a reason. Go back and revisit why you felt the way you did and why it prompted you to end it. Once you stop reacting based in your ego and once you stop idealizing her, you will be able to see why you did what you did.
Author wow123 Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 GeeGirl- You're absolutely right. I'm idealizing her. Right now she is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me (in my head). So I ask myself why I broke up with her and those behaviors are all I can really remember. So much time has passed that I don't remember what I felt like when we broke up. I just remember being unhappy. It's so hard not thinking I made a mistake.
geegirl Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 GeeGirl- You're absolutely right. I'm idealizing her. Right now she is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me (in my head). So I ask myself why I broke up with her and those behaviors are all I can really remember. So much time has passed that I don't remember what I felt like when we broke up. I just remember being unhappy. It's so hard not thinking I made a mistake. And when you think emotionally, you will react this way. Once your emotions start to settle, you will begin to think rationally. When that happens, you will be able to grasp the reality of her and your relationship better. That is when you will remember why you made the right decision. It feels like a mistake because she is with someone else. If someone else can love her and torelate her behaviors, then I can too so I must have made a mistake. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe she's not so bad. All the maybe's are flooding your head. It's not a mistake. It's just your ego taking control of your mind and heart.
love is dangerous Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 basically your wanting what you cant have you never wanted her until she got with someone else. im so happy she moved on and is happy after you hurt her. why did you push her away in the first place if you had such a wondeful six months you have to ask yourself that because that probably made her cling on tighter to you because she thought she was going to lose you . if i was her i wouldnt trust you again not to leave and hurt her again if you dont even know why you did that yourself. that guy seems to compliment her if his obssessed with her. allow her to be happy and stop letting your ego get in the way , move on and learn from it .
smokey bear Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I would give up on this one, the same things are being asked over and over and he aint listening, then he askes why he is acting the way he is and wilson gives him a straight, honest and accurate answer and he still doesnt listen. This forum is for people advising each other, sharing their stories and venting. not repetition, not listening to advice, more repetition. It wasnt enjoyable reading this post and im surprised wilson and geegirl had so much patience, i ran out!!!!!! WOW, listen to the advice you have been given, it is very wise advice from people who have been through what your going through and came out the other end. If you don't, they may not be there to give advice in the future when you need it.
Author wow123 Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 GeeGirl- Thank you so much for answering the question that I asked. Your insight is much appreciated. Smokey Bear- I'm sorry you lost patience. I'll talk to those with more.
wilsonx Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Just because I'm right doesn't mean I'm right. Sometimes I forget that. I don't speak emotionally, geegirl said the same exact thing I said but she spoke compasionately with emotions. Its ok. In a couple months he will see that too
Author wow123 Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 Just because I'm right doesn't mean I'm right. Sometimes I forget that. I don't speak emotionally, geegirl said the same exact thing I said but she spoke compasionately with emotions. Its ok. In a couple months he will see that too People come here to get the truth AND to feel better. There's nothing wrong with a little compassion when advising people who are hurting. In fact, it sounds like a pretty good idea. I thank you anyway for your time and advice. Everyone has a different approach.
wilsonx Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) This thread is amazing on so many levels, you have to have the ability to think outside the box on this. I was running and I remember smokey bear's post and everything just focused in perfectly inside of me. This thread has 3 elements here and this is what we battle everyday in life. There's the person (wow123), the intuition (wilsonx), and the mind (geegirl). The thing is the mind always wins with most people. Everyone should read this thread and see if they can what occurred in this thread between the 3 elements that we battle everyday in life. wow123 posted his story and something inside of him called him a nutjob and then something inside of him said "we want what we cant have" etc etc. All my posts were mirrors of this. I was that little voice inside of him telling him everything was that happened was right. I was his confidence. What did he do with all my suggestions, completely deflected blocked and took them personally and geegirl stepped in and said something completely funny on accident but the mind does this all the time. She said "I'm separating you boys" She focused on his feelings, showing compassion, focused on his ex. I (his intuition) focused on him learning to trust himself and his decisions. I did not bring up validation reasons for ending the relationship. This is something the mind needs and you don't need this. His own intuition called him a nuttjob, he posted himself before I even entered the thread. I just agreed with him because its true. Somebody that is crazy has an extreme insecurity with themselves. I posted his desire to feel important and he mirrors what I said in his own words and then dismisses me when I reposted what I said. This is mind driven insane (insecure) behavior. People all the time say they need closure, you don't, your mind needs closure, it tricks you into holding because the ego does not want to let go and be hurt or bruised. That's why there are threads all the time in the coping section its been years and Im still not over my ex. Its because your mind is tricking you into not letting go. I don't speak compassionately in real life or on the forums. I speak with confidence. All my friends when I text them jokingly say they can see me talking to them just how I type. People here assume that what I say is harsh or torn because I dont speak compassionately. I just enunciate what that little voice inside of everyone is already telling them. Compassion is confusing especially for people dealing with breakups. Yes we have all feelings but look what happens when we stop listening to ourselves and rely on our feelings, we all end up here. I am guilty of this, a lot of older posters are guilty of this, and its ok, it makes us human. But I have said this before on several other posts "To Let Go is To Love Yourself" It has nothing to do with closure or talking about your ex or relying on other people to show you compassion and make you feel better. You are responsible for your own happiness in the grand scheme of things Edited November 21, 2011 by wilsonx
Author wow123 Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 Wilson- Again, I appreciate your time and effort. I do not see how you consider telling me I'm insecure and a nutjob advice. If you believe those two things are true, advice would be ways to change that. You can tell someone to be more secure with themselves, trust their decisions, and act more rationally. You're making judgements about how/what I am rather than helping me improve and feel better. Isn't that why we're all here?
geegirl Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) Very insightful Wilson. But I do believe it's just a simple case of presentation. It's much easier for someone on the outside extending advice based on how they see it or view the OP to expect comformity. There are OPs that are in repetition mode for months and while some posters may call it quits, I do believe that there is not a set time for a person to grasp the truth nor is there a set amount of advice given that will make them see the light. Each will walk their own path, in their own time. Healing is all about repetition. It takes more than just a few posts to change a mindset or to reframe habits. Sometimes people need to be told 100 times why it is bad for them before they realize it is and some only need to be told once. It's a poster's choice to throw their hands up in the air and alienate the OP, and move to another thread if they feel advice is falling on deaf ears and the issue is futile. This is my point based on Smokey's post. I believe Wow grasped things the way he did because while already dealing with the confusion, desperation and hurt, the last thing he needed was the cold hard truth delivered in a way in which it was presented. Granted he knew it in his mind and you were reinforcing his every thought, trying to grasp it when presented in the way it was by someone else was difficult for him to hear, especially in his current state of mind and emotions. I believe you can deliver the cold hard truth with a balance of compassion and facts, no matter your style or presentation, especially when there is a sense that someone is hurting and fragile. Compassion does not confuse a poster if it is presented with a clear message. Coddling is what confuses a poster. Coddling and compassion are two separate things. I believe you showed him the facts and while it probably resonated in him, he couldn't grasp it because he's wounded. I have been told by my friends that I have a compassionate way about how I listen and present myself but that does not mean it eliminates the truth and facts of my message to them, and it doesn't matter the content or type/style of advice. I don't believe the OP needed compassion or hand holding to make him feel better but just YOUR truth and advice delivered in a gentler way. Truth in the saying - Kicking me when I am down and out comes to mind. That is why he reacted that way. I do believe that at some point when his defenses are down and his emotions are low, he will read your posts and view it in a completely different light. Edited November 21, 2011 by geegirl
Author wow123 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Yes, I am extremely hurt right now. I do believe the truth and facts can be delivered in a compassionate way. I think a lot of people on here are in the same boat as me. Not only looking to improve, but wanting to feel better. We want to break out of the miserable state they are in. LoveIsDangerous actually sided with the ex telling me she's happy that she's doing what she's doing even though I'm hurting. Is that your opinion? Yes. Is that helpful to my healing? NO. Thanks but no thanks. You made me feel worse. You don't know her. You shouldn't be happy for her. The problem is you are relating to her.
wilsonx Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Now I feel like a nutjob! From your own post.... This is a quote from you.... I am a lot further ahead in the healing process as you and I do have a slight advantage in a lot of things. Im not making a judgement. You are taking what I say to heart. Im saying what that voice deep inside you outside of your racing mind is saying. You just can't hear it because your mind is racing. Your actions and the words you use on this forum are clear indicators of what you are going through. You should have seen my posts 6 months ago. I was dropping f bitch bombs left and right. I was extremely insecure and hurt. You were one step ahead of me though, you ended the relationship when both of you were clearly unhappy. Im trying to show you you have the confidence in you, you just have to stop your mind from racing. People would tell me, its not your fault you did this you did that right etc etc. That was a temporary bandaid for something I needed surgery for. Nothing people told me helped at all. It helped me for a day maybe 3 tops. In 3 days, you are going to have the same hurt that you had when you posted this original thread. Its ok. I was just trying to show you a shortcut through the process. Dont focus on the ex, focus on you. Look in a mirror, accept all the feelings that you have right now, angry, hurt, sad, lonely whatever they might be, just accept them and dont try to put a meaning behind them. Get back in the gym, focus on a better job/better grades in school, focus on new hobbies, focus on new friends. Will your ex still be in your mind, absolutely, but the more you focus on you, the less you find yourself focusing on the past and suffering from it. This is a long process and it takes a lot of time to heal from but if you have the desire and drive to focus on you and keep that focus, you will blast through this. The goal of my original post was to say trust your instincts. Admit that maybe you might be insecure. Once you start being honest with yourself, you see things and can fix them and improve yourself
Author wow123 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Wilson-Thank you for your recent post. That's my problem. I'm so focused on her and her new relationship. It kills me. It all happened so fast. I definitely need to focus more on myself. Did I sense some compassion in this post? lol. Can't be right?
Author wow123 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Wilson- I knew you had it in you. I think this is part of your recovery. Step something is compassion I believe. Appreciate your time/help man.
Author wow123 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 Woke today feeling awful. 4th really bad day in a row. Not sure how I'm going to get better. Hurting so bad.
Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I still think it's unhealthy that she managed to find someone else so fast. Especially as a dumpee. But that's not the OPs problem anymore.
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