I need impartial answers !

[Hotforteacher]

This is fairly long, but worth the read, i promise. I am 22 years old. I met a girl my age while on exchange together in Bangkok, Thailand. She is from Singapore and I am from Canada. The minute I met her, I was in love. Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend she loved back home. We instantly connected and became best friends and inseparable from the first week. She asked me to join her and her mother (in town to help set her daughter up) for dinner the second day we met, and we all just connected so easily. I obviously held back my feelings for a long time because she had been with this guy for over a year and a half.

 

As school started we began to travel together, watch movies, text all the time, and after a couple months, even shared a bed while on an island trip in southern Thailand. *I didn't touch or initiate anything with her for 4 nights. We got home and things got a little awkward but we talked about it and I told her I didn't want to jeopardize her relationship with her boyfriend. She said "i get it" and brushed off my comment by continuing flirting/texting.

 

We continued partying with all the exchange students (this is Bangkok, remember) and started sharing a bed again back at the apartment complex we both lived at. 6 nights passed with only talking, spooning, a little kissing, and sleeping. I made sure every step of the way, that it was something she wanted and she talked about the reasons she didn't see herself having a happy life with this guy, why I was the most amazing guy she'd ever met, and how nobody had ever wanted her to follow her dreams in life more than I did. What was I supposed to do? I was in love with this girl from the start. She made me believe it was mutual. We spent about a month together 24 hours a day, and really talked so much about how difficult it would be to stay together and the exchange possibly being an escape from real life, making the return to real life together disappointing and a mistake. We were madly in love after becoming best friends for 5 months.

 

When she left for home, she broke up with her boyfriend. She told him she only made out with and had feelings for someone. (didnt have the heart tell him the truth) He was pissed but was willing to forgive her if she wanted. She picked me. I visited her and her family 10 days later for a week with my brother and some exchange friends. They were hesitant about the idea at first but quickly grew to believe she and I were meant to be together. *she came back to visit me in Bangkok for 4 days to see me off before I left for Canada. We talked and talked about whether our feelings were real, or if they were just heightened by the euphoria of the holiday semester abroad. Our relationship was one stronger than I have had with anyone in my life. We both felt it was so worth it to wait 6 months and I would find an internship in finanOce in Singapore after finishing school, something I had planned on doing in Bangkok, Singapore or hong kong anyway. We told each other we loved the other, and had a beautiful tear-free goodbye in Bangkok.

 

When I got home, we talked every day, skyped regularly, and our feelings for each other grew so much stronger... Something we didn't think would happen so easily She made me beautiful elaborate cards, I mailed letters back every second week, and we were counting down the days we would see each other again. It would be her visiting for her first white Christmas ever.

 

I started to plan a surprise trip down for her birthday which coincidentally was during my study break and thus began messaging her mom to straighten out logistics. Two days before I buy my flight, we have our regular amazing chat, she goes out with friends and for the first time in months runs into her ex. She realizes she has feelings for him still, they hook up. She called me the next day and told me.

 

I was obviously crushed, but Through the dissappointment, I understood how she still had feelings for him, as they broke up so suddenly and he was her rock for a long time. I wanted her to take time to figure out what she wanted and tell me when she'd made up her mind. She wanted to be alone for a while to figure herself out, which i understood. Unfortunately, she never told him we were still together, and as he sent me a hate-message when he was cheated on, my "nice to see we practice what we preach" reply to him when this happened made him realize what she had done.

 

I dont think she really ever wanted to be alone to think and grow. She started throwing herself at him because she felt bad for what happened before. (and in my opinion, because she had never been honest with him, he lived in Singapore, and it was easier to mend things) He used her for a while and then told her he just wanted to be friends. Honestly, in his situation, I might've done the same. She is a beautiful girl.

 

I removed the whole family from Facebook to clear distractions and be sure I still wanted her too. Because of how much her family cared for and wanted me in their daughters life, her mother secretly started messaging me, swearing me to secrecy, telling me she was so sorry, how her daughter is in denial about my feelings for her now, how the family really thought we were meant to be together, how she's been throwing herself at the other guy, how they suspect he's "taking her for a ride", how she is not a happy person these days, and how her mother attends church and prays every night that her daughter will come to her senses. Strange she would say these things, as blood runs thicker than water, and as someone she had only physically spent 10 days with, would obviously not say things to me she thought wouldn't be best for her daughter.

 

My conversations with my ex slowly became disjointed and mostly useless unhealthy "small talk". I sent one long email explaining why I thought it would've worked out, what she did wrong, and how I still felt. I had decided that I could forgive her, even though the long distance relationship would be so difficult to mend. It was worth it to me. I left it open ended, saying if she didn't reply, I would leave her alone. She immediately texted me after reading the email saying she wanted to reply, I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but she had a ton of schoolwork and exams that would prevent her from replying immediately. I took that as a good sign.

 

A week later, she replies saying it was the best time of her life, but the holiday did add to her feelings (even though we exhausted that *conversation topic a hundred times) and we wouldn't have happened if she wasn't away from home and her boyfriend. She got erked at me telling her how she messed up, then said she still thinks about me all the time and would hate for us not to talk... Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

It's fair to assume his words were influencing/clouding her judgement at this point, but what can you do?

 

I was disgusted with the reply, because I was ready to leave in June without her being mine. Not happily, but I would accept it eventually. She decided she wanted it as much as I did. And to go and say those things just seems like a way of not being able to swallow pride and admit to a mistake.

 

She recently told me her heart still skips a beat whenever I text, and I just cut off communication after that, because IMO she is just poking to see if she is still wanted or if I have moved on. I can't do anything from the other side of the world, but I honestly feel our paths will cross again, and it will either be disastrous or beautiful. I have to make my dreams come true in the meantime. I can't tell somebody how I think they should change. They must do it for themselves.

 

I would love any insight from impartial people. I know I'm 22, an awesome guy, and I have plenty of girls and experiences ahead of me. It just sucks to not understand something, and be unable to figure it out because of logistics. (distance)

 

Thank you for reading.

[wildgeese]

It sounds to me like you're a pretty level-headed individual who is aware of the facts. In my opinion, and from my own experience, the holiday did add to the intensity of the affair. I think you're aware of that but need to fully admit it and accept it. Being removed from your daily life and atmosphere can create some highly romanticized situations. That's why they always say never to get married while on vacation.

It sounds to me like she is not someone who can be alone/unwanted for very long. She, for some reason of her own, cannot either be alone or with someone who is out of sight. She really would not be the best choice for a long distance relationship, considering she would most likely cheat again and you would always have a giant trust issue between you. Relationships without trust are doomed.

 

What I really dislike about this entire thing is that they she willingly cheated on two separate individuals. That doesn't speak love or integrity to me, especially since she never came clean with her Singapore boyfriend about what happened.

 

I think that if you took away the distance element there would still be problems with the relationship, including trust issues. Distance does magnify worries but trust me, most couples can survive distance alone - it's all the other issues that are the problem. I can understand that you want to blame it on that but I really don't think that you should.

 

It sounds like she is a passionate individual, which is great. But until she can honestly be alone and figure herself out, she's just going to keep up the same bad habits. Maybe she will grow and you two will meet again. Maybe it was just a nice holiday fling and you need to accept that - you'll still take something away from the experience including the knowledge that you can feel that intensely about someone.

[Hotforteacher]

Thank you for your reply. I respect everything you say. This is all very recent, so time might make things better. I don't know whether I should go cold turkey and resist my urges to talk to her, or just speak my mind. I am in the end, the victim here. I know that even if I 100% moved on, I do one day want to work and live in Singapore. Having her as a friend would be great, as we were truly amazing buddies before anything sexual or emotional got in the way. Of course, I don't need her in my life today, or in the near future. But I might one day.

 

I don't think about getting back together or anything now, and I don't even know if I miss HER, or US, if that makes sense. I am just dumbfounded at how she can be managing, and I'm curious to know if she has learnt any lessons from this.

 

Suffice to say, 2011 has been the best and worst year of my life. 6 weeks left to end on a good note.

 

Please offer any other insight you may have!!

[creighton0123]

I agree with the first comment by wildgeese, but not necessarily the last. After walking away from this relationship with her, you can fix quite a few negative emotions you have towards her by simply recognizing that you didn't have a relationship that ended in failure. You had a relationship that ended successfully. You might, in the future, have a few more relationships that end successfully.

 

If you are interested in life-long monogamy, you will inevitably find someone who can be not only a great lover, but your best friend, and have another relationship that will not end until you're both old and grey.

 

In the future, when you think back on this girl, don't think back on the fact that you attempted a long distance relationship. Instead, see it as a wonderful vacation romance. And, in the future, go for the single girls ;-)

[Hotforteacher]

I don't really know what you mean when you talk about a relationship ending in success or failure. In my opinion, a non mutual break up is failure, no?

 

I suffered so much not making a move with this girl, obviously if I could control my feelings, I would have focused my attention on a single girl. I was possessed though. Something ive never felt before. It's a shame that I am paralyzed here and the only way of even attempting a mend would be expensive and risky.

 

We will see where time takes me I guess..

[creighton0123]

Not necessarily. We all know that most people have multiple long term relationships in their lives and, in the pursuit of a life-long monogamous relationship, many prior relationships won't work out for whatever reason.

 

Why, though, must you consider those relationships ending in failure? They could, perhaps, end successfully with both sides going their own way, learning any number of lesson about love, romance, and sex, that can work to their advantage in making their next relationship easier and better.

[Hotforteacher]

I agree with what you say.. I am allowed to hurt though. It just sucks at the moment. She is obviously struggling as well, with the pressures of not understanding why she did it twice, being alone now, disappointing 2 guys she loved and her family, etc. although he was the only guy it could've happened with, she did allow us to build a relationship while they were still together. That could've happened again, I guess. The long distance part has made it extremely difficult to move on. I will though, in time.