Scumz Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Okay, so here it goes. The last couple of days I have been searching for advice regarding my partner (ex - clarification further down), and I keep coming across this forum, so what better place to ask? I'll certainly try to keep this as short as possible but there is a lot to get through. I met my partner through work and we became really close friends. At the time, she was in a physically abusive relationship. One night things got crazy and i received a phonecall at 4am, her crying into the phone. I told her to go somewhere well lit and stay there and i'd be there as quick as possible. I helped her get her belongings from her ex and as she had no where else to go, I offered her a room at my place. Slowly she was recovering and at the time I had no intention of starting a relationship. One night, about a week or two after this event, We slept together. We didnt start dating for about a month after that, but we slept together regularly. When we did start dating I was elated like never before. I had found a beautiful, kind and caring woman who could make me laugh like no one else. we moved out of that place (my mothers) and at the time this was a big step for me because I had never really had a serious girlfriend before. So to me, this was big. Thats when things started to change. I am loathe to admit it, but I was a jerk to her. I didnt hit her or put her down, what i did was worse. I chose video games over her. Not all the time, but thats irrelevent. She has since told me that during that time she had considered leaving me. about 3 months after we started dating, she had an appointment to see her gynochologist, as she suffers from fairly intense period pain (bed ridden for at least 2 days sort of pain). While there she asked him if she would ever be able to have kids, and the response she received I remember exactly: "Lets work on whats going on down there first, then we can talk about having kids". She was devastated. All she ever wanted was a family and to be loved. around 2 weeks later, we found out she was pregnant. Now, knowing that she might not be able to have kids, there was no way I was going to deny her this oppourtunity. I may have not been ready for a child at that time, but before our beautiful little girl was born, I embraced the idea of becoming a father. Throughout her pregnancy she suffered from hypermesis (intense and acute morning sickness). This can last from anywhere from a couple of weeks to the entire pregnancy, my partner was the latter. She had to quit work because she couldn't remain upright for long periods without vomitting. I have emptied a spew bucket more times in 9 months than most people have their entire lives. Prescribed medication was costing a fortune, around 90$ for 10 tabs to be taken once a day. They were the best we could get, and they use these pills for patients undergoing chemotherapy, just to put it into context. I endured this hardship as it was now me being the sole breadwinner. Eventually, we had to move back to my mothers as the place we were at was not really ideal for a baby, neither was my mothers but when you have no options on a fixed income, theres only so much you can do. Our daughter was born and things were going okay. We argued as couples do but we always worked through them. The topic was always the same however. I was not motivated to look for a better paying job, as I was happy where I was. I believed that being able to enjoy what you do was important. I had just started working for a new company and it was refreshing to be doing something different. I earnt a bit more money then my previous job so i felt as if I was progressing. With my daughter in the picture I had to change from the job i had to a career, no and ifs or buts about it. This however took time, and I had been in my 2nd job for almost a year before accepting an offer to an entry position in company that would launch my career. During this time, I had proposed to her in a very unromantic way, I wish i could do it again to make it special. During this time I have been studying as well, nearly wrapping up my course on computer forensics. I will confess that my time became a precious commodity. There was only so much time in a day and I selfishly chose me time over spending time with her. She felt neglected and rightfully so. Eventually we moved out of my mothers into our own place, paying an exhorbent amount of money on a weekly basis. To say we were doing it tough is an understatement. It was when we were in a better place, as my mother has an irritanting habit of butting in and never compromising, and this has pissed my partner off no end. The straw for her was when her grandfather died, and that same day my mother started an arguement about something stupid. She has never forgiven my mother for that, and i can't say I blame her. I asked her to marry me, after much discussion, it wasn't as romantic as i liked, but she agreed, and I was elated once more. She used her time as a stay at home mum attending to the house and our daughter. when i came home from work she would want to talk about the wedding and I selfishly again wanted a bit of me time. I don't think it was to much to ask for 10-15 to unwind, but when I ended up taking hours, once again neglected her, she rightfully got upset with me. I promised to change and for a while I was. It wasn't long before I delved back into my ways and the cycle commensed again. Skip forward to 2 months ago. We had a big argument where we let out alot of issues. I am really not good at expressing my emotions, which in turn didnt show her how much I valued and appreciated her. I always have, but I never could show that appreciation. Sure i'd say it, but actions are always louder than words. She tells me its over, and she can't keep doing this. I plead for forgiveness and promise to atone. I have never been so frightened in my life, because I know i have pushed her to this point. a month after this argument, she went out with some of her friends to go clubbing. I stayed at home and looked after our daughter. I get a phone call from her stating this exact comment: "I know we argue honey, and I know I can be a bitch sometimes, but you are all I want, and i want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you so much" She was quite drunk I might add, but I always felt that this brought out the honest feelings of her. a few days later we got into an argument and she took her ring off and said that she was done. Since that phonecall I have been doing everything I can do within my power to show her that I have changed. I rarely spend time on my computer at home, I leave work early just to spend time with her. The hard part is I am making all this effort, and she says its to late. I accept and own my failings, and she has put up with alot of crap from not just me, but my family as well as her own. I can't lose her, because she brings out the best in me. She is what drives me at work. For her and my daughter I bust my backside to try and score a much deserved payrise. I wrote her a poem on a card I made myself, and i am fairly sure she read it, as I made sure it was in a place she could see. I cooked her breakfast and bought her flowers. Cheesy I know, but i have never done this for anyone before, and I think its a start. The worst part of this is the following. She made friends with this guy through a mutual friend. He earns way more than I do, he is nice and funny and he cares about her alot (so im told). Today I she told me that she has slept with him twice. Once today and once two days prior. I know we arnt together at the moment but I am adament that we can save this relationship. I'm not going to sit there and hate her for her actions, she's ashamed enough as it is. The sad part is, this whole week i have been trying to spend time with her, but she keeps hanging out with this guy because he gives her the emotional stimuli that I havn't in the past. I am trying my hardest to be the sweet and loving man I used to be, and I can overlook the sex with this guy because we wernt together and I drove her to a point with my neglect that she felt she couldnt get appreciation and friendship from me. Technically its not cheating because we wernt together, but it feels like that to me. She tells me she doesn't see it that way because to her its been over for 2 months. Now normally I would have just accepted this act, and moved on. letting her do what she wanted, except theres one other issue. Her entirely upbringing is laced with traumatic events. Her father committed suicide after a lengthy bout of depression, and she suffers the same depression. Her step father was physically and emotionally abusive and her biological mother chose her step-father over her when this incidents occured. she was kicked out of the house at 16 and told by her mother the stepfather didnt want her in the house. She has been in relationship after relationship until the present day, alot of them being physically or emotionally abusive. She has been cheated on by her boyfriend of 5 years with her sister. Suffice it to say, theres alot of issues swirling around her head, and I know this has an effect on her. She needs to be loved, and I know I can give that to her. She needs to be appreciated and I know I can show her. She needs to have someone with her that is working towards the same goal, and I want everything she does. I may not have wanted it as quickly as she did, but I am hungry for it now. I am trying to give her space as we still live together, as she doesn't want to take our daughter away from me. I am a great dad (so im told) and losing both the woman I love and my daughter would be devastating. She says she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. When she told me she slept with this guy, I told her I want to go to couples counselling. She resists the idea, but I believe it can help. I have also, at her request, arranged an appointment with a psychologist to help her address her past issues. I know I can't take back everything I have done, but I can make up for my mistakes now, if only she would let me in just one more time. The infedility is going to be hard for me to overcome, but my love for her is stronger. I don't expect it will be an easy process, but I pray each night that she will look into her heart and will see that our relationship is worth fighting for. She needs to be independent a bit, as currently she relies on me for everything. Financial support, transport, food everything. I don't know what more I can do, and honestly, she tells me she thinks its done and dusted. I feel that the presence of this other guy, who is giving her everything she wants is taking away from the oppourtunity for us to save our relationship so we can be a family with our daughter. I will always be connected to her because of our daughter, but I don't want to be a weekend dad. I want to be a partner who is loving and attentive, providing and nuturing while still being passionate and loving. I have always tried to fight for her, but now I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle. If this ends I want to be able to say, I fought to the last for her, because she deserves that. Really what im after is advice or suggestions, because at the moment I feel adrift and lost. Sometimes she tells me she needs to sort her stuff out which gives me hope, other times shes adament that its over. If you got through all of that, Thank you so much for your time. TL:DR I was a jerk for years to my partner of almost 3 years. we have a kid together and she's getting emotional reprieve from someone else who she has slept with while we were seperated.
Poppydog Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Hi, I cannot comment on why you neglected your girlfriend or what made you withold your feelings from her. Only you have the answers to that. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I met somebody who went all out to show me what a great person he was, attentive, caring, considerate. Then once he had "caught" me, he flet he no longer had to show these traits. I stayed with him for almost x5 years, listening to the problems he was having with his ex-wife, children, work colleagues, family etc etc. I listenend and I tried to help and support him. He wanted me to look after his children, clean his house, cook his meals, would not phone me when it was not our day to see each other, was busy when I visited and seemed to always have something bettter to than to spend time with me. Stupidly, I let this go, telling myself he deep down he really did care. But you can only fool yourself for so long. I left when I finally realised there was nothing I could give to the relationship which would make him feel like he could trust me enough to let go his feelings and relax enough with me to show me how important I was. After a while, the only option is to stop making excuses and look at the actions at face value - he was treating me like I wasnt important to him, therefore I am not. I left. A few weeks' afterwards he started to tell me how much he loved me, missed me, appreciated me, would do anything for me...... What can I say? Too little too late. Actions speak louder than words. If I truly meant something to him he would have shown me this a long time ago. Also, anybody can tell you, anyone will put on a show of their best behaviour when they want something. Once they get it, why keep it up?
Author Scumz Posted November 19, 2011 Author Posted November 19, 2011 (edited) I feel for you and your situation. I know that this my decision to address this is in the final hour, and I know I have tried showing her my emotions a couple of times. She has done things to me which i responsed by retreating within myself. She gets angry quickly and has physically hurt me, throwing things at me, putting me down etc I attribute this to her upbringing where she was forced to fend for herself at an early age. I have forgiven her readily for these instances, knowing that she has done so in a moment of weakness. I honestly believe that she is who I want, and I know that I have stuffed up royally. I have always thought so, so to me i see it as a case of this situation pushing me towards what I want. I have always believed that you should fight for what you want, and that anything worth having doesn't come easy. I know for a fact that if she were to try and fix our relationship, I would not lapse. I value her so much, and it disgusts me it took this situation to give me the kick in the butt i needed to be able to show her. I don't want our relationship to end, not just for myself but for our daughter. I just don't know what I can do that will show her that this is a change for life. EDIT: I should point out that we agreed to me working and providing for the family, she would attend to the house and our daughter. My career has the potential of earning a 200k+, and im not stupid by any measure. I know i can provide for her, i just need to finish my course to faciliate the commensement of my career. I have always given her everything I can in terms of things she wanted or needed at the detriment of myself. I eat toasted cheese sandwichs at work so we have a bit of extra money to do something. Edited November 19, 2011 by Scumz
writergal Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Have you two considered attending couples counseling or speaking with your church priest about counseling sessions? That may be the best route to take at this stage of things. A professional counselor will help you two sort out your issues and help you find balance and to come up with a plan where you both can meet each other's needs and have your needs met without feeling resentful like you have to sacrifice everything for that other person.
Author Scumz Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 when she told me yesterday about sleeping with this other guy, I controlled myself looked at her and said we need to go to counselling. She feels terrible about hurting me despite us not being in a relationship. I have been suggesting it for a while now, at least a year, because I know we need help. I just don't think I can convince her that it is a benefit. Its the last throw of the dice for me I believe.
writergal Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 when she told me yesterday about sleeping with this other guy, I controlled myself looked at her and said we need to go to counselling. She feels terrible about hurting me despite us not being in a relationship. I have been suggesting it for a while now, at least a year, because I know we need help. I just don't think I can convince her that it is a benefit. Its the last throw of the dice for me I believe. It sounds like you've both been through a lot. But if you both want to be together than counseling will definitely help repair the damage. I would agree that it's your lost option at this point. Maybe you should set up the appointment (be proactive) and then tell her when it's scheduled for so she can meet you there. Good luck!
Author Scumz Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 I think thats probably the best idea. I would like her to be receptive to the idea, but I know that I can't force the issue. I will make the appointment and see how things go. I hope and pray that this will help.
writergal Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I think thats probably the best idea. I would like her to be receptive to the idea, but I know that I can't force the issue. I will make the appointment and see how things go. I hope and pray that this will help. Well since you've been asking her to go to marriage counseling with you for one year, being proactive and making the appointment now will force her hand. If she gives you an excuse about why she can't go then you have your answer about her true feelings. There is no excuse she can give to justify not going to couples therapy with you at this point, if she really loves you. If she doesn't really love you then she will continue to hem and haw because she's being emotionally abusive and manipulative which would be unfortunate. Then it's up to you to decide what you want because you have a right to be happy with your life; even if that means letting her go so that you can open yourself up to someone who is a better match for you. There's no reason why you should compromise yourself to make someone else happy, because then you're just sacrificing your own needs so that someone else's are met. Don't live with those relationship dynamics because that's unbalanced when someone has more power than the other. Both people should have the same amount of power in a healthy relationship.
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