lilyblue Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 A common theme I read about on here besides NC are variations of working on yourself/finding yourself/figuring out your happiness. These are all so vague to me and I've never connected with terms like these. I am post break up. I feel bad about myself, the situation, finding someone new, and the list goes on and on. Mostly though, these things relate to relationship failure. What does "working on myself" mean in this context? All I have to go on are relationship failures (this last one being a bad one) - how would I even think postively about things? Any insight would be appreciated. I read very passionate posts about this topic it seems, but it all reads so hollow to me. Thoughts?
smokey bear Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Making yourself happy ALONE is the holy grail to moving on and letting go. I was like you and didnt take much notice of this although i did acknolodge many people saying it. Working on yourself- You have to look at your relationship and figure out what you done wrong, too needy etc, it could be anything, and fix that. Thats working on yourself. Then you have to make yourself happy, you cant rely on someone to make u happy, and you cant be happy in a relationship if your not happy with yourself. You need to figure out what you enjoy, what your boundaries are, what your morals are, what makes you smile, what gets your head and heart interested and fulfills you. Once you figure that out put ations behind it and start doing those things. At the same time you will figure out what makes you unhappy. Cut these things out your life. With inner happyness you will find closure, letting go and moving on. The important thing is to hold onto this throughout your life and in your next relationship, don't sacrifice these things to make someone else happy.
ChelseaLS Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Making yourself happy ALONE is the holy grail to moving on and letting go. I was like you and didnt take much notice of this although i did acknolodge many people saying it. Working on yourself- You have to look at your relationship and figure out what you done wrong, too needy etc, it could be anything, and fix that. Thats working on yourself. Then you have to make yourself happy, you cant rely on someone to make u happy, and you cant be happy in a relationship if your not happy with yourself. You need to figure out what you enjoy, what your boundaries are, what your morals are, what makes you smile, what gets your head and heart interested and fulfills you. Once you figure that out put ations behind it and start doing those things. At the same time you will figure out what makes you unhappy. Cut these things out your life. With inner happyness you will find closure, letting go and moving on. The important thing is to hold onto this throughout your life and in your next relationship, don't sacrifice these things to make someone else happy. Its a time of re-discovery, learning new things, realize your own areas of work and actually working on them. It a time to learn to love yourself and who you are, set boundaries and decide what you want and don't want in a future relationship.
Author lilyblue Posted November 19, 2011 Author Posted November 19, 2011 Thanks for the replies. I'm trying to figure out why it still doesn't make sense to me and I think it's because I feel like I haven't been walking around my whole life not knowing what makes me happy. Now there's just a big chunk missing (the relationship), which there isn't a replacement for. I don't think figuring out what I did "wrong" applies to this situation necessarily - he blindsided me and left me for his exwife. Things were going great between us and I don't think he would say otherwise either. I guess I'm still a little lost.
mike588 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Thanks for the replies. I'm trying to figure out why it still doesn't make sense to me and I think it's because I feel like I haven't been walking around my whole life not knowing what makes me happy. Now there's just a big chunk missing (the relationship), which there isn't a replacement for. I don't think figuring out what I did "wrong" applies to this situation necessarily - he blindsided me and left me for his exwife. Things were going great between us and I don't think he would say otherwise either. I guess I'm still a little lost. Been there done that. My ex. left me for her ex., I was blindsided too and I know the feeling. There are obviously strong feelings between the two of them,let them be,what's done is done. Don't worry or even think about a replacement at this time. You have to heal from this experience 1st, learn from it and move on. Give it time because there IS a replacement for you in the future,you just don't see it now because your hurt and shattered. I know that feeling also. I don't know if you want him back or not? If you do then bugging him,texting,calling etc. will only push him further away!! Your best chance of ever getting back together is again to just leave him/them alone,, they broke up once before,, they may break up again.
M2155 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 First, Smokey bear's response is Excellent;). Remember there was the Lilyblue that was happy before you ever engaged in a relationship with this man. You didn't lose her overnight, you won't get her back overnight either. We give a lot of ourselves when we get in relationships and start thinking in terms of us instead of me, which is normal. Now that it's over your whole outlook is messed up and we feel alone, especially when the rug was just pulled from under us. You need to find something else to put all that energy into (volunteer work, working out, a hobby, side-business, travel etc...) to help you get your mind off of it and get some positive results. That will in time make you feel better and more empowered. Also, I know your story but I would be surprised if it was story-book perfect, no relationship is. Don't dwell on it, but there were probably things looking back you know you should have responded differently or red flags you didn't aknowledge. Things he may or may not have done that you don't want in your next relationship. Just arm yourself with that valable experiene. It's just time catching up with Lilyblue and transitioning into a more optimistic attitude. It's no cakewalk and we all have bad days when the ex pops back on the mind, but it happens less and less. I've been where you are and it really will get better.
Berlington Bob Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 It's all about evaluating your self and changing things you would like to change. This is the best oppertunity and the best motivator you will ever have. I had a major addiction to PC gaming. I haven't even wanted to play a game since the B/U because I get discusted when I think of how much of my life I threw away and how it had so much to do with her loosing interest. I started running every day. Something I have never really kept up. It makes me feel more energetic and for about 1 hour a day while running and about an extra hour after that I don't think about the ex or how sad I am. Also little things, this is a time to treat yourself like you should treat a S/O. Go tanning... It's like a 20 minute vacation (for us northerners). Get a teeth whitening kit. Go get a haircut and change your style. Just don't do pull a B. Spears and do something drastic with it. Join an online dating site. You don't have to talk to anyone on there but its really good for showing you that there are other, more compatable people out there and that she wasn't really that good for you in the first place. Go out and go clothes shopping. Look up current fassions online and go spend a couple hundred bucks so you can look good. Look good and you will feel good. Like smokey said, you have to learn to be happy alone again before you can be happy in a relationship. Something my ex won't learn now but that I get to.
Author lilyblue Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Thanks, I guess I do kind of understand the theory. I just can't see how to apply it to me. I don't think I was happy before I got in the relationship. I don't even really remember the last time I was happy before that. This relationship was the first time I hadn't woken up with anxiety (relationship related) or sad in a long long time. I actually wouldn't go back and change any way that I was in this relationship. No relationship is perfect, I agree, but we didn't make it far enough for things to go wrong. The only thing I can think of when trying to come up with something is being more of whatever he wanted (which I know is dumb, just all I can come up with). He drank probably more than I am comfortable with in general, but it never impacted anything negatively. I don't mean to be dismissive, at all, but none of the things that everyone always offers as ways to distract myself ever work for me. I don't know how to be optimistic when I keep getting negative reinforcement that things will not work out, men don't like me, and I'm going to be alone, which is not what I want.
ChelseaLS Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Its not just about to be working on yourself because of the relationship, its about doing things you always wanted to do, before, during or after the relationship. If there was any time in your life where you wanted to work on your something like for me it's confidence, and hell now is a great time. You said you weren't happy before you got in the relationship... then work on your happiness. Find things and do things that make you happy... get happy again. It doesn't have to something related to the relationship, but for many of us, we lost who we were in these relationships or developed bad habits, etc.
january2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I don't think I was happy before I got in the relationship. I don't even really remember the last time I was happy before that. This relationship was the first time I hadn't woken up with anxiety (relationship related) or sad in a long long time. Now that you have more time on your hands, it's time to find out what will make you happy other than just being in a relationship. I actually wouldn't go back and change any way that I was in this relationship. No relationship is perfect, I agree, but we didn't make it far enough for things to go wrong. The only thing I can think of when trying to come up with something is being more of whatever he wanted (which I know is dumb, just all I can come up with). He drank probably more than I am comfortable with in general, but it never impacted anything negatively. It made you uncomfortable, that's a negative impact. I don't mean to be dismissive, at all, but none of the things that everyone always offers as ways to distract myself ever work for me. Everyone else's suggestions are starting points. You have to find out what works for you through trial and error. You have time. Find your 'flow' activities, which are usually related to your childhood. What keeps you absorbed and content for hours without watching the clock or feeling bored? I don't know how to be optimistic when I keep getting negative reinforcement that things will not work out, men don't like me, and I'm going to be alone, which is not what I want. Life is tough but perception is everything. In my experience, not many people feel optimistic soon after a breakup. And if they do, it's normally faux optimism brought on by the shock. Most people feel like they've failed and they despair at the thought of having to fill the void that's left by the departing partner. Others can only spare a limited amount of time to help you with this. You need to pick yourself up when you're ready and just keep moving forward with your plans for how you want to live your life. Make lists. Keep trying things. Trial and error until you find what it is that you need and want. Find something that you enjoy? Keep doing it.
Author lilyblue Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Obviously I'm just so sad. I don't feel like any "thing" is going to change that. I know people's ideas are just jumping off points, but they never spark anything in me. It's not that I sit around all day and do nothing. But the things I do, even things I love don't distract me enough. Chelsea - you mentioned working on confidence. How are you doing that if you don't mind me asking?
ChelseaLS Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Working on my confidence has been a struggle. But I am coming along... definitely further along then I was even at the beginning of my relationship 6 years ago. I force myself to step out of my comfort zone and its awkward at first and sucks at the time, but it feels damn good afterwards and get easier each time.
M2155 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I don't think I was happy before I got in the relationship. I don't even really remember the last time I was happy before that. This relationship was the first time I hadn't woken up with anxiety (relationship related) or sad in a long long time. This is your cue. You probably were ok with yourself before the relationshp but you can't remember anything before him right now- especially as he left during the early stage of the relationship (which wouldn't have lasted). The good times with your ex were so high that the crash was 10 times harder. But if you were not happy just in yourself, no relationship would have kept you happy long-term. You have to find the answers for yourself. But I will tell you post-breakup for me there were no distractions. It's all I talked and thought about and my friends just brushed it off and got tired of it. You need to do that though. Cause eventually YOU will get tired of talking and thinking about it. I started to feel lame (especially knowing he is living it up) so I started looking for things to do. I didn't have enough going on personally before the relationship so he was my world and that was one of my lessons learned. One thing that helped me was meeting new people (easier said than done). I didn't meet anyone I connected with or anything like that, but just seeing other fish in the sea helped. I started volunteering with a childrens organization, kids are refreshing and annoying at the same time I joined a soccer team too even though I can't play- it didn't last but it was really fun and competitive and so glad I I did it; you don't think about the ex during sports. It's very interesting when someone says what do you do for fun and you can tell them something cool. Also, make a bucket list of things you want to do- one of mine is sky-diving and learning a launguage. I've done some of the things on my list and it's just a good feeling to check it off. It won't make you forget about your ex, but you'll feel good about yourself accomplishing goals which I think boosts confidence. Now if anyone else has any tips on confidence I need to hear them because I am shy:o Don't expect to feel better, confident, happy, optimistic etc...as a result of something all of a sudden. It's personal growth. Like ChelseaLS said, every time you make an effort to get out of your comfort zone is a step forward.
betterdeal Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Have you considered CBT? It can give you a foundation for making positive changes in your life. It can be quite effective and carry across into many areas of life. It's a form of learned positivity. And whilst you're sad at the moment, you might as well give it a try, right?
Author lilyblue Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 It's not just that I don't remember being happy before him, I wasn't happy. And I think the reason I am unhappy is that I can never find a fulfiling relationship. Doesn't that just become a lacking factor at some point? If I hated my job but everything else was fine I wouldn't be happy... because I hated my job, a specific reason. I feel like this is the same. I think I'm fine with myself, but you can only think so much of yourself if all you get is negative feedback from others. That is one of the ways we evaluate ourselves. By the way, I'm really not trying to be argumentative at all, I appreciate all the support so much, I'm just trying to understand everything. I totally understand what you say about your friends getting tired of it. I've probably mentioned it elsewhere, but I feel the same. I restarted therapy recently which hopefully will at least give me someone who has to sit and listen to me. Good for you for getting out and meeting new people. I work full time, I coach kids sports another 15-20 hours a week, I work out every day. Working out has worked for me in the past, not at all this time because we did it together a lot and had plans of running in the alps, etc that just make me think of that. I need to think of things I want to do. I just can't. Nothing sounds appealing and everything sounds better with a partner.
betterdeal Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Take a holiday and have a holiday romance if what you think you need right now is a lover. It doesn't have to last forever.
M2155 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I understand the challenge of finding things you like to do. I have been searching for my "passion" forever. It's hard to find a hobby:confused: I really think you have to be happy without a relationship-or at least not dependent on a relationship. I've hated my job in the past but I believed in myself. Of course our lives will feel more complete when we have someone to share it with, nothing replaces that feeling. But I'm sure you would want to attract a man who is equally comfortable and confident with himself... But why do you keep getting negative feedback from people around you?
lolita jade Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I dont think there is any quick fix to happiness. Other than if we keep fixated on our ex's it will last a lot longer maybe years. You hear of older people living their life saying if I can't be with so and so then I won't be with anyone. I don't think any of us on here feel that strongly. It is liitle steps and big steps. Soon the big steps will outweigh the little ones. Join a website for making single female friends. I have made alot and it helps when they are in the same boat as you. In England the site is called fishing for friends. Make a better you. Try to become an empathic person too. Keep very busy with anything. I am waiting for the heartache to go and acceptance has to be the key. Its a waiting game. I think when the heartache goes we will be happy.
lymtal1 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 i changed jobs and locations. i went to school for the job change. made that happen and now i am lucky enough to have gotten a job in the new industry. now here is the real kicker. the job offer i received puts me exactly one quarter mile from where the ex now lives, i moved 200 miles to get away from her. so i have this dilema. take the job or put myself in a very uncomfortable situation. so i guess my answer to the "working on yourself" question was i changed careers and went back to school. it has been very rewarding and did help with my moving on a bit. now this.....................prehaps another post:)
Author lilyblue Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 Thanks for the ideas. I actually did just go on a vacation and met a nice guy who has kept in contact and told me he was really attracted to me. The novelty of that was nice for about 3 days after I got home, but now seems boring since he's a 5 hour plane ride away. I can't even make myself email him back. It's true what you say lolita about not feeling that I can't be with anyone if I can't be with him, just right now (hopefully not for toooooo much longer???) that would definitely be my strongest preference. I'm tired of being sad about it all the time, tired of crying about it every day. It's been two months now since the last time he texted me. I keep wondering if they are going to be done soon? Or if things are going really well. M2155 - I guess by negative feedback I just mean that no one wants to be with me. Even this guy - who was one of my best friends and put so much effort into pursuing me and, at first, dating me, didn't last more than a month. I do absolutely love coaching, which is usually helpful. It usually puts me in a good mood the instant I walk into a gym. Right now it's taking about 2 hours of a 3 hour practice to even get me to a neutral mood. I generally leave the gym feeling good, but assuming it lasts half an hour after that, that's about an hour a day that it helps.
dicky_fish Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 AI read very passionate posts about this topic it seems, but it all reads so hollow to me. Thoughts? It all seems so hollow because frankly it is. If people were meant to be happy on their own then everyone would be a hermit. It's a human condition; we thrive on company and it's with others we find our best "self" and finding someone who loves you can bring out sides to you which you never knew you had, and losing that is really hard on you.
M2155 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 It all seems so hollow because frankly it is. If people were meant to be happy on their own then everyone would be a hermit. It's a human condition; we thrive on company and it's with others we find our best "self" and finding someone who loves you can bring out sides to you which you never knew you had, and losing that is really hard on you. It's hollow because she's hurt, everything is at that point. Totally agree with the latter part of your comment, but since we spend a portion of our life single, I'd hate to think we spend it depressed and unhappy. Of course we are better when we find our match. But if you aren't ok with your single-self or your confidence hangs on attention from the opposite sex, you won't be in the best position to attract someone right for you. Just my opinion.
radiodarcy Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 It's a human condition; we thrive on company and it's with others we find our best "self" and finding someone who loves you can bring out sides to you which you never knew you had, and losing that is really hard on you. i don't disagree with this. but what happens when that person decides they no longer want to be with you? or that they have found someone else they click with better than they did with you? there really is no guarantee that because you have found that special someone who helped you find your "best" self feels the same. so it's better if you can start to refine and cultivate your own sense of self so in the event that that does happen - - you'll have a more solid base to fall back on: you.
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