the wizard Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 (edited) I've been dating this lady for about three months, she's Colombian with an accent and moved here her Sophomore year in high school, very conservative. We both work in the same department at work and she's the ony woman, the rest of us are guys. All of them aren't single except for one. Before I guess it didn't bother me because it wasn't as prevalent and my feelings for her aren't like how they are now. At work, they don't know about her and I as we agreed to keep it that way. The problem is she's been losing alot of weight, and becoming more attractive generally speaking. The other guys have noticed and now they come around way more often than they used to and joke around with her, get playful with her, make up cute little nicknames for her ( and her them). They sometimes come by and get playful with her and touch her. Play with her hair or push her, hit her. It eats me up inside. The problem is she's so friendly with these guys. She'll play along with them thinking its all innocent fun and her being a generally nice person and that they're just being friendly with her but I don't think its the case at all. We've talked about this alot and she knows that it bothers me alot. She said she can see it on my face and that when it happens she knows I'm mad because I get cold and quiet towards her (which is true, its my natural defense mechanism). Lately the guys at work have been touching her more often and since she knows it bothers me and she says she doesn't like it either, so she told the supervisor about it so he could put an end to it. We talked about it more and she said that shes friendly with everyone like that I just haven't seen her around women. Also she said she wants to not put me through so much discomfort so that's why she's taking these actions. I saw her try and tell one guy to stop touching her but she was so nice and playful about it he didn't take her serious and just got more playful with her to which she just played along laughing it off. That's great and all but it doesn't comfort me at all. She said she isn't attracted to these guys but my question is, ok shes doing it because she doesn't like seeing me mad but that doesn't change the fact that she's friendly like this with men period, what's going to happen when she becomes more attractive? What's going to happen when its a guy she's attracted to doing it? What's going to happen when I'm not around? Its so hard for me to deal with that I have to fight back lashing out at her. I hate how friendly she is with men and how naive she can be about some men's true intentions. She says shes not flirting but she doesnt see that these guys are flirting with her, but to her she's just being nice. I hate this ****ing crap so much sometimes I want to break it off with her. She's tried comforting me saying that out of all the guys I'm the one she chose and cares for, the one she gives her body to and is submissive and eager to please. But all of that is overshadowed by anger when I see how she is with other men. I need help dealing with this please..I don't want to lose out on something good.. Edited November 19, 2011 by the wizard
phineas Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 She's acting like a disrespectful tramp in the work place in front of you & you stick around. She knows you are her lap-dog & now she can shop around. Downgrade her to F-buddy without telling her. Distance yourself emotionally & just get yours until she cheats on you or dumps you for one of these guys she claims she isn't attracted to yet lets them TOUCH her in the work place. Because I promise you, it's going to happen. Seen it a million times. woman losses weight then upgrades her man.
Ilovewater Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 She's not being just friendly, she's flirting with them. She's enjoying the attention those men are giving her. Women don't like being touched by strange men or men they aren't attracted to. It's very easy for her to stop them from invading her personal space. She just needs to seriously tell them to stop and not touch them back or giggle gleefully when they touch her. Have another serious conversation with her, and if she doesn't change, I would move on.
Author the wizard Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 We spoke about it, she said that she never intended for it to get as far as them touching her, also that she isn't flirting with them just being friendly. She said she won't be friendly with them anymore but I told her that's ridiculous and for her to just be herself but fare better at gauging whether or not a guy is flirting with her. I also mentioned the importance of her keeping her personal space. She said she doesn't like when they touch her but that she doesn't want any tension at work. It seems as if she figures they're being friendly with her. After realizing what's going on she gave me her word to start laying down boundaries. I guess this whole thing is new to her now that she's been whipping into shape. Guys that were once platonic friendly with her have now become flirty friendly and she didn't think anything of it.
mtber75 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 It might be a cultural thing...Woman from Latin America are pretty flirtatious and likes to get close especially when greeting. If you already talked to her about this and it makes her uncomfortable that other men are touching her than you should report it as form of harassment on her behalf? Employers are really terrified about claims of harassment on the job so they should take it seriously.
Survivor12 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 "If you already talked to her about this and it makes her uncomfortable that other men are touching her than you should report it as form of harassment on her behalf?" Ignore this unless you want to lose your gf, estrange yourself from your co-workers & have your bosses consider you to be a trouble-maker.
BeyondtheClouds Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think you have said enough to her. I understand how you feel but the kind of behavior that you're looking for from your gf --and that I would want from my bf-- cannot really be described and quantified. Either a person already has good boundaries with other people or they don't, They can learn the desired boundaries but usually not through direct reprimand which is effectively what you are doing. It sounds as if you two are in your 20s so I would say that's still young when it comes to dating and relating to the opposite sex at all levels. What is acceptable between guy and gal in the teens, the twenties, becomes less and less acceptable as you get older. I remember when traveling thinking nothing of sharing a room and sometimes a bed with a male friend. I would never do that now and I would not approve of that with someone I am exclusive with. And if I had to spell that out with a guy, I would really question what else do I have spell to this guy before they start crossing the line with another woman. So at this point my advice is let it be. And if she continues, then you need to look elsewhere. Most people would advise against dating someone in the office anyway.
BeyondtheClouds Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 "I remember when traveling thinking nothing of sharing a room and sometimes a bed with a male friend" - Whore/Madonna complex of a cold sore covered, immature slutty female with self entitlement complex to boot. A total drama mama....LOW quality...no wonder you are single. I am talking about something that I used to do more than 25 years ago. And I accept that a few 20 somethings still behave this way. Perhaps you could tell me what raw nerve of yours that I hit.
verhrzn Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Which party is the one who decided not to tell other people at work? If you were more in favor of letting it be known, and she wanted to keep it under wraps, it COULD be she's enjoying the attention of guys too much to discourage them from flirting with her. It doesn't mean she wants them or will cheat on you... it just means she's enjoying the attention she gets, especially if she wasn't getting any before. I mean be honest... if you had hot girls coming by your desk, flirting and joking with you, would YOU really put that much of a stop to it If she was more in favor, and you wanted to keep it quiet, then it's possible she's trying to make you jealous, to show you that she's desirable and that if you don't publicly demonstrate you find her attractive other guys will.
joystickd Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 OMG! Accepting bad behavior! If I were you I would just tell her its over and my door is friendly just don't let it touch you on the way out. She needs to get on like she got sh*t on. Just be a man and let her know that if she keeps doing this then its over.
Author the wizard Posted December 24, 2011 Author Posted December 24, 2011 (edited) Update: She confronted the guys who touch her at work, let them know it makes her uncomfortable and that she doesn't appreciate it. Brought up that if it didn't stop it would be taken to HR's desk. Since then the men have been distant with her, and haven't touched her. Now, onto my personal problem...these men still talk with her, joke and laugh with her, and at times, get flirty with her. Now her and I have talked about how uncomfortable it makes me when my SO flirts with others, we talked about it several times, each time ending with her swearing by all things holy that she isn't reciprocating their flirty behavior. But I'm just not so sure about it man. When they joke around with her she takes on this cute whiny tone with them, the same tone she takes on with me when I'm flirting with her. She also blushes when they flirt/joke with her, as she does with me. She IS a bit on the pale side though..I don't know. I always end up walking away when the joking starts rolling her way. I get so mad inside, and she can see it all over my face. I hate being so jealous like this. Then when she tries to talk to me, asks me what's wrong I clam up and get passive aggressive with her, and distant. As we speak now I told her I was going to text her later but didn't. She texted me she misses me but I haven't replied yet. She knows I'm upset but I don't want to say why for fear of beating a dead horse...we've talked about this so many times. I don't want to be like this, I really don't, but I just feel so slighted when she's joking and laughing with other men. Edited December 24, 2011 by the wizard
chryssy83 Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 Some people are just naturally flirtacious....and they don't always see it for what it is. Some people are comfortable being in relationships with those who are naturally flirtacious, others aren't. I am in less of the "what a bitch for not acting the way you want" and more of the "maybe this is a compatibility issue" camp. I think maybe you should be evaluating whether this is a relationship that can work. It's making you pretty crazy, and she doesn't seem inclined to fix it. If you aren't happy and you can't make it so that you are happy...maybe you will need to get out.
Dust Posted December 24, 2011 Posted December 24, 2011 People flirt Wizard. If thats all it is I wouldn't worry about it. Why are you hiding the fact that you date her that would help end it. You could also say to these guys stop flirting with my gf. At the end of the day people flirt. If she's a good looking girl she can't help the attention. Try to calm down.
Author the wizard Posted February 1, 2012 Author Posted February 1, 2012 I can try to explain how it makes me feel and why it bothers me. The way I see it is like this, she knows these guys are mildly attracted to her. So how come she ignores the possibility of entertaining their thoughts when she's all playfully giggly and flirtacious with them? She claimed she thought they were genuinely friendly, but that only confirms she's playful with other men. I feel slighted when she's like that with other men. It bothers me to hear her and see her joke playfully with them. It sounds so flirty. But she says her flirting is more sexual. I feel you can be flirty without the sexual subtlety. I always get distant with her because when I see/hear it happening, I start feeling like, why am I even putting so much time and energy into being her man when she's just gonna playfully joke and flirt with other men and enjoy their company? Why not she go be with them? That thinking makes me rebellious, spiteful. Recently, she doesn't joke with them anymore. Said she wants to make me happy and hates that since we started dating, I'm miserable at work. The guys are questioning her now, asking her why she's ignoring them, etc. **** they're so damned nosy. I feel so ****ty now. She told me she doesn't playfully joke with them now when I'm not there in the morning but I told her I don't believe it because I feel like that's who she is, and that she truly wants to but because of me, forces herself not to. Told her I don't want to control her but indirectly, that's what's happening. There's been a time or two she told me she feels helpless because she doesn't know what to do anymore. :/ Neither do I.
Curious-One Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 I love how she is telling the supervisor now about touching when she had no problem w it before. Hate girls like this, hope those poor guys dont get into trouble and lose their jobs. She led them on and now she is complaining about it. She could have just told them "hey i know we used to touch and mess around but now i got a boyfriend and i dont feel its appropriate". Instead she went and got a supervisor involved for something she provoked.
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