The guy I am dating has a fear of intimacy, and I want to help... but how?

[Nerol]

I have met what I perceive as being the perfect man, but there is a problem: He has a fear of intimacy. You see, he has been in abusive relationships and was sexually abused as a child, so I can understand why he would be guarded about himself. Fortunately, we have been comfortable enough with each other that we can discuss things pretty candidly. We also have been very demonstrative with our affection whenever we are around each other (holding hands, soft, meaningful touches, etc.). He even told me that the things that he really liked about me were that I was affectionate with him and very open and honest with him.

 

Last weekend, we had the opportunity to spend the night together, and we started to initiate sex (mutual oral) for the first time. After doing this for about 15 minutes, he stopped and said that he was tired, so we just cuddled and went to sleep. I felt like something was wrong, but I tried not to think much of it. The next morning, I mentioned what had happened the previous night while we were talking over breakfast, and after some hesitation, he told me that the reason for his stopping was that he couldn’t handle the physical involvement combined with the emotional involvement that we have yet. I thought that this was probably a good sign (that he was more than just physically attracted to me) and said that I understood where he was coming from and that I would be available whenever if he wanted to talk to me about things.

 

So let’s cut to the next date. We went to the movies, and I held his hand/stroked his thigh for the better part of the movie. He didn’t attempt to stop me, but he wasn’t doing much in response (i.e. being demonstrative toward me). After the movie, we went to have some coffee before we met with a group of friends for dinner. Over the coffee, he told me that it bothered him that I was affectionate with him and that he was uncomfortable for the affection.

 

I was obviously hurt for the rejection and cooled off a lot in a matter of moments. I wasn’t mad—just confused, so I took a while to separate myself from the situation and evaluate what was being said and what my reaction should be. We still went to the dinner, and everything went pretty well (except that everybody at the table was asking if there was something wrong with us).

 

After the dinner, I talked to him and told him that I didn’t feel that he was being completely honest with me because he had said that he enjoyed the fact that I was so affectionate and that he seemed to enjoy it before. We then talked about how he might be feeling a little exposed for the fact that he has told me things that he doesn’t tell people very often.

 

After a little bit of time, he told me that he was feeling scared, confused, and upset because I was getting to know more about him than he was ready to let me know initially, and he told me that he didn’t want to be intimate (not sexually, but emotionally) because it was too much. I tried to reassure him and tell him that I want to know about him—both his “social” personality, which is utterly charming, and his “real” personality, which is a little less confident and needs some nurturing. I know that whenever he tells me something that helps me to know his real self a little more that it scares him. I try to interject more personal information about myself that is along the same idea as he has told me, so he doesn’t feel like I am just trying to glean him for information and then judge him for it later.

 

To make a long story short (that probably seems like a joke now), he said that he should have trusted me to tell me what he was thinking rather than rejecting me and making me feel bad. I know that there doesn’t seem to be a problem here, but I don’t know what to do. I think that he is one of the most beautiful people that I have had the privilege to meet. He is a wonderful guy, and I would like to be in a very serious relationship with him in the future. But I know that he is going to have to work through some of these issues before we can move forward. I want to know him, and I know that he wants me to know him—but I don’t want him to feel like I am violating him in the process.

 

Does anybody know how I can help him to be okay with me knowing the more personal/vulnerable things about him? Is there anything that I can do to reassure him that I will not use this information against him in the future? Should I be working on showing him that I am trustworthy? I don’t know what to do. I just feel like we are at a point in our relationship where this could be made or broken based on very few actions. Please help.

[dlb311]

I was dating this guy that sounds very similar to your guy. I am sure they are not the same. But I met him about 6 months ago. We started to talk and I went to his Christmas Party with him and met his family or at least most of them. Because he works with his father and brother. We hung out a few times. And I even spent the night at his place. I slept in his bed with him and he didn't touch me he didn't cuddle, kiss or anything. we then just became friends because he told me that his last girlfriend really messed him up and he just can't get to involved with anyone its all about the timing he said. So I let it go I got back with an ex and while I was back with him this other guy kept asking me to hang out with him. I was like just friends. but we hung out once only and totally just friends. Even though all I wanted to do was make out with him. I was so attracted to him. And he isn't that good looking either. Anyway when my ex and I had our second and final break up he started to ask me to come hang out with him. So I did. I would see him twice to three times a week. I would stay with him and with in three weeks we became intimate. It was great. He was opening up but when I gave him affection he was weirded out by it saying he wasn't use to it. But a couple weeks in he started to be affectionet. We went on a mini vacation and he kept telling me he was thinking about a relationship with me. And every time he would bring it up and would then say well I am not sure. I was so upset. I was like then don't bring it up. He then was confusing me everyday. Then one night I was over and he told me that he really liked me but was emotional scared to let me in because he luck I will leave him for someone else and then he would never be able to trust another girl again. BS!!!! We hung out a couple more times. But then he stopped calling and texting me all the time. So I asked him so you just want to be friends and he said I think that is best. I stopped contact with him. It hurt I just got out of a serious relationship he knew this and told me crap, did crap and made me feel like we had something. And he just dropped it like that saying it was getting to hard for him. I should understand. Well did he think to understand how I felt? NO! Anyway I kept my distance we would chat on line once in a while it was about a week ago actually we broke things off. And last night I texted him because I was missing him alot.

I said, "I just wanted to say hi"

He then replied "what's up?"

I said, "nothin"

He said, "sure?"

I said "ya, just wanted to say hi and hope you had a good weekend"

he said "thanks I did"

then about two hours went by and he texted me again saying "so what exactly did you do this weekend?"

So I told him "went out Friday night hung out and studied Sat night, and this morning we to my aunts and then this afternoon to the movies"

he said with a boy

I said yes

He said ooooh, did you kiss him?

I said no

He said was it a date?

I said kinda

he said oh well my girlfriend says hi.

I wrote tell her hi oh I see how it is now

he said hahaha just kidding Jelous?

I said it doesn't matter

he said don't be

I said ok

he said kidding but kinda seein someone

I said GREAT!

He said dont' cope a tude you brought it up first.

and that was it.

I have to walk away my situation got out of hand. He is obviously playing games and its not fare because I really liked him.

But I would keep my eyes open. I am sure he likes you but...when they are scared sometimes the fear is to strong and they wont let you in or take the chance on a great love..good luck just beware he is testing you..it sucks but you kinda have to walk on egg shells. you have to find out if its worth it to you or not.

hope this helps/.....

[Paddy]

I am a guy, and I do the same thing with my girlfriend. I find it hard to open up sometimes because it feels like I'd rather be somewhere else doing somethign else.

 

We've been together 8 motnsh, and I've already sort of nitpicked her about all kind of flaws, both character and physical, and the reason why, I believe, is because I'm afraid of taking a chance on something that I know can and will be great. It's so stupid of me to do this, because this girl is so awesome, it just seems easier to give up sometimes.

 

any ideas?

[Zephyr45]

I think I might make this thread my new homepage. I'm a little freaked by my own situation I currently find myself in and god knows I've thought about posting to LS 100 times the past couple days, but the only reason I haven't is because it would be a bit premature - I think I need to just let things play out and develop a bit. But, I guess it wouldn't hurt to give ya'll a quick rundown - it's appropriate for the thread.

 

I'm a guy and I think the girl I am seeing has intimacy/trust issues. We just started "dating" (though I don't even know if you would call it that..) a couple weeks ago, but we've known each other for years, though we were never good friends so there is still a lot of unknowns about each other. Anyway, she ends up refusing to kiss me and even has issues holding hands. She claims she wants to take things slow because shes been hurt before and she then proceeded to explain a previously abusive relationship she was in. I later asked a question of clarification because I was still a bit confused (taking things slow is one thing - going on a 2nd date and treating me like her brother is another, imo ) and she got really upset. Upset because for some reason she didn't feel like she needed to explain herself further and would not negotiate it, but also upset I think because she's sensing that I seem to be taking some issue to her rules and she's afraid I'll leave her because I may choose not to accept them. [edit: In other words, I think she is making herself upset because she is realizing that her own rules might prevent us from having a relationship which she really really wants.]

 

This I find interesting, and I have a hunch she doesn't even necessarily like the fact that she is requiring us to take things so slow - as if she's forced to feel/act this way due to issues in her past. I don't know much about her besides this one abusive relationship she mentioned, so there could be even deeper demons from her childhood, etc. driving things, I dunno.

 

I don't know if I can just make a decision to unconditionally accept or reject the parameter's shes defined for this relationship. I think it's unfair and untrue to both of us and our true feelings. So, I want to delve into this and the reasons why she may be forcing this but I have no idea how to because there's a good chance she will just get mad and think I'm trying to manipulate her into taking things faster than she wants. All I want her is to be true to herself and not be scared or negatively influenced by her past.

 

 

So... enough about my situation - I'll try to actually help out here if I can.

 

Nerol, dlb311, looks like the universal theme here is that our counterparts have been adversely affected by their past. That is, if their negative past was absent, they would not have a problem with intimacy. Or in other words, if everything was perfect, they would indeed want to be more intimate with you. (Forgive me, I know this is obvious, I'm sorta thinking aloud.)

 

Can you find some way to get you partner to realize that their past should should not influence their behavior today? Or should you ignore it, accept the fact that the person is the way they are the way they are, and just deal with the surface problem - that they are scared? Or should you just suck it up and let them set the pace - potentially hurting yourself or the relationship as a whole?

 

Ugh. I have no idea. Let's brainstorm this.

[Mary3]

Wow I see a copulation of 4 posters who have something similar to what I have been going through. At the risk of this person maybe stumbling upon this ,I have not posted my query and dilema.

 

But I will tell you ,its very strikingly similar. Alot of game playing..... But you know, I am done with the games. At the expense of my heart and his games with his x....why do I keep getting those ? LOL . ITs okay,...next time I will ask : Do you still love your x ? Why they take months to show affection and getting intimate...

 

But even though he says he does not want her back.. he continues the game.

 

Its okay though...NC all the way baby !!!!!!!

[Lights]

Wow I see a copulation of 4 posters who have something similar to what I have been going through.

 

You sure that's what you meant?

[Mary3]

Maybe I should have used a different word lol.

 

What I meant was that there stories combined mixed with mine to sound pretty similar ...

[mixwell]

Maybe the two of you should drink and get a little tipsy and then try.. Maybe that will loosen him up a little bit.. Its hard to say because being a guy I have never had this problem your man is having. If not you are just going to have to wait it out.. I mean despite the bad memories I would still think he would enjoy oral you know.. Not to sound weird but does he masturbate? Or is he just not into ANYTHING sexual ?