jen78tx Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Hi everyone. Ive been divorced since April of this year. My ex has always been a control freak and he had an emotional affair while we were married. Anyway so I pretty much felt disconnected from him for years. So then I ended up going on craigslist in the strictly platonic section, just looking for friends (or thats what I told myself anyway). Anyway I met this really nice guy , we emailed for awhile, then we talked on the phone for a couple of weeks, and then we finally met... So, I had finally found someone who listened to me, cared about what I said and thought and who didnt want to try to control me... Just one problem though, he was an alcoholic. Anyway, I didnt realize this until I met him in person and he was drinking. But for some odd reason I continued to talk to him because of the connection we had made before we had even met in person... Anyway, so I was going to try to talk to him in secret but that got out of hand really quickly. My husband found out I was talking to him and meeting with him. Actually though to start with, we were really just friends. He even spent one night at our house, him and my ex together.. that was pretty weird lol Anyway, but things got crazy because I was always talking to this guy on the phone and of course my ex was really pissed. Anyway I ended up going back to TX from FL to stay with my mom because things were so bad with my ex and he brought his parents down too. Then I ended up going back to FL a few weeks later but I decided to stop in GA on the way back (where the guy lived at the time).. And that was the first time that I was actually the one who cheated... just kissing but I know still cheating..and I do know that was wrong.. When I got back home , it was hard to be around my husband and I ended telling him what happened bc I am not good at lying.. Anyway, so that was pretty much the beginning of the end right there. This was not something my husband was going to get over.. not to mention I continued to talk to this guy every day. Anyway, so my husband had finally had enough and he filed for divorce... Ok so I was served with papers, back in February I believe. I had 20 days to respond..but I was stupid and I didnt do anything!! I ended up going back to TX again because I was pushed out of the house by my husband and his parents.. Then when the court date came up I was in TX and didnt make it back for the final hearing.. Actually my husband tried to make me think it wasnt really the final hearing! Anyway, so since I never filed anything or got a lawyer and didnt show up for the hearing,a default judgement was made... My husband just got control of everything. I didnt get anything except $6000 and that was used towards my car. He gets to keep his retirement and all his savings, stocks, bonds, etc.. He is in the military by the way.. But worse than that he is the primary caretaker of our 2 kids , who are 3 and 8 years old. According to the Final divorce papers, I am not even allowed unsupervised visitation with them.. And guess what the reason for this is ? The guy I met...because he has a drinking problem. As for the guy,I just moved away from him because I couldnt take being with him anymore because of the alcohol... I was living in FL (so I could be near my kids) but I had to move back to TX with family because I just couldnt afford it and couldnt get a job there...So anyway now im apart from the guy but also apart from my kids and it is literally killing me. Most days I dont feel like I even have the strength to go on living. All my family tells me is to stay here and save up money.. My mom says it will probably take a year for me to save up enough to move back out there to FL... but I cant make it that long without being with my kids. It will kill me. I have just been feeling so helpless lately. I mean I cant see my OWN kids and I have no control over it. I do have a lawyer and she is working on my case. We are trying to work on getting mediation set up.. though im not sure how thats gonna work with me living in TX and the kids in FL...I have alot of things against me too. I happened to leave my son home alone one day because he was fighting me when I needed to pick up my daughter for preschool.. He has autism and can be very difficult. I left him home for a few minutes and the neighbor happened to notice..this is not something I normally did btw...I know it was the absolute wrong thing to do, but I did have my cell connected to the home phone so I could hear him and he was in his room and could not just roam around the house...but now he can use this against me and I feel like I may never get unsupervised time with my kids. My lawyer just tells me to take some parenting classes.. I have taken one so far.. For a mother to be away from her kids I think is the worst thing. I gave birth to these kids and now I can only see them on skype? Its just insane to me..but my ex has all the control and all the money.. of course money equals control. I am actually in debt because I owe over 12,000 in credit card bills. God knows when Ill ever get those paid off... So, that is my story pretty much. I am drinking every night just so I can go to sleep. If I dont I will be crying all night because I am away from my kids. I dont know how much more I can take of this. I am feeling so incredibly helpless and I am just not sure what to do sometimes.. I really just felt like posting on here to get all of this out Well since this has turned into a novel I am going to end this for now. Thanks for listening everyone...
UofLCards Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Sounds alot like my ex SO. We have 3 kids together and she was having an affair on me with an alcoholic and she herself was an alcoholic. She was bringing the man into my house while I was at work and everything. It was hell to say the least. I really loved this woman. Still do. The only advice I can give you is to stop drinking. If you want some kind of custody or visitation with your kids it's the only way. If you are considered a drunk then you have no control, he will have all of it. Second, are you still in love with your ex? If so try and get him back. It might take time but it's worth a shot. If you know you will just cheat on him again and will not love him like you should then don't even get back with him. Don't lead him on. That is the situation I am in. I have found it in me to give my ex SO another chance. SLOWLY that is. She has alot of proving of herself to do to me but I have found it in me to start dating her and take it slow. Still skeptical about it though. But again, if you don't think you can give everything to him then don't lead him on. Just like I don't want my ex SO leading me on. Good luck.
Author jen78tx Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Thanks UofL... I am going to send you a PM.. If anyone has any ideas or advice for me I would be glad to hear it...
Author jen78tx Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Can you not send PMs on here ?
Saul Goodman Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Can you not send PMs on here ? Your account has to be a month old, and you need to have posted at least 50 messages.
Author jen78tx Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 (edited) thanks saul.... so does anyone not have any advice for me? I am feeling really alone lately and I am not sure what to do anymore. I just want to be able to see my kids but I dont know how unless I have alot of money... Would really like to hear from someone about this... please Edited November 22, 2011 by jen78tx
Lis007 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 I hope you come to realise that you do have control over you!! The fact is you are not going to win a custody battle without taking some sort of action in your life. Do you accept responsibility for where you are? That might be a good thing to understand that it was your own decisions that brought you where you are. Accept it and resolve to make the changes that you need to to start moving towards your goal of developing a relationship with your children one day. Your ex gave you a second chance and blinded by some perceived passion you blew it. Do the parenting classes, focus on upskilling yourself so you can get a better job, work towards being a great mother by doing things that will support that! Actions are whats going to help your situation right now. What actions do you think might help?
goldengirl86 Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Hi, i have a friend who is going through something very similar. He cannot see his kids because of a bail agreement, he and his wife had a domestic dispute and the police stepped him, so its is not so much her but the legal system. Anyway i have been wondering about ways to help him because he is really struggling too. Though he cannot not even talk to his kids via skype. My advice is too not give up, dont let your kids down by drinking, fight for them. Everytime you miss them you could right them letters, or record a video or something. Dont get bogged down in the mentality that you are never going to see them, but what your going to do when you see them. Think like your a soldier and right now your away at war, but insted of fighting some foreign enermy your in a battle to fight for your kids and a new life for yourself. Work on the little things like getting the money, put the money away that you spend on alchol towards a really good lawyer etc, though i know the attraction and the peace you find from drinking, but it is only providing temporary relief. If you could help me too and explain how your feeling etc, so i can understand how he is feeling etc, as he wont tell me and wont talk to anyone. hang in there you will get through this and you will see your kids again.
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