rags Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 New to this forum and I am so glad I found it. Here is my story and I need some advise. I am 32 and have been married for 6 years and I have come to the point that I can't do it anymore. She is 31. As a lot of people on here, before we got married, things were perfect and everything seemed to go in the right direction. But with time, everything went down the hill. My wife is very explosive - she will get really angry and they she doesn't really care what she is saying. I was called the nastiest names you can think of but I always forgave her because she is my wife. She also hates my family, especially my mother and calls her names as well. She hates going there and hates when I go to help my parents - I know my parents are not perfect, but still they are my parents and even if she doesn't like them, she should show respect. Few times she took the abuse little farther with hitting and kicking me. I am very easy going person and always tried to let it go and would even say sorry when she was at fault. Well, with time of constant verbal abuse I started to change - I didn't realize it at first but it got to the point that I closed myself off and bacame very cold person. It is not my fault, it is just the way I feel because of her. Another thing is sex - we have no sex - maybe twice a year which is definitely a problem for me. I am not asking to have sex every week, but we are young and I feel like we need the intimacy which we do not have. So to make a story short, I no longer want to be with her - I try to avoid her and dread coming home from work. I told her few weeks ago that I can't do it and I want a divorce. Well she didn't get it and all of the sudden she is the sweetest and nicest person - saying she loves me and she was sorry. She keeps crying etc. We have been through this before - she goes back to her old ways after a while. For me it is too late - I already checked out of this marriage and there is noting I can do to change my feelings. I want to get divorced but I feel very guilty about leaving her - she says she can't go on without me. My guilt is the only thing that keeps me from filing for divorce but I know I can't live like this. I deserve to be happy and she does too - the longer this goes on, the worst it will be. Please offer some advise on how to end this so I can start normal life. We do not have kids and both have decent paying jobs. Thank you.
miserum Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Have you told her flat out that you no longer wish to be in the marriage? While I believe that problems like this can be worked out and that a marriage isn't worth throwing away all to easily, you know more about your situation than I do. Don't go back and forth, if you want it over don't give her ANY reason to believe that there is a chance for reconcile. You say she disrespects your family, do they respect her, do you stand up for her? She should, if she loves you, respect your family as they should respect her.
Author rags Posted November 19, 2011 Author Posted November 19, 2011 My family never really disrespected her and yes, I always stood by her side. How can this be worked out? If I lost the love and feelings for her over the years and I don't see us together anymore, I am not sure how this can be fixed. I can't just flip a switch and be OK with it. Also, no sex is big problem for me as well - we don't even kiss. She doesn't see this as a problem at all. I asked her to maybe see a doctor or talk about this but she always brushes me off saying she just doesn't feel like having sex - she is simply not a sexual. I know everything should be done to save a marriage but sometimes it is better to just let it go. I can't live this miserable all my life - at least I don't want to. I am still young and can have a better life hopefully...
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 If she were to change, meaning, doing counselling with you and on her own, seeking a full medical physical check up (either she has anger issues or possibly is bi polar), is it possible you'd give her a chance? But, if you've fallen out of love with her and feel there's no hope or you don't even want to bother trying, then do divorce, reguardless of her recent attempts to be nice and sweet. Don't drag it out.. I do suggest for your own sake, to go talk to someone, make sure you're 100% sure divorce is what you want.
findingnemo Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 OP, perhaps you should go the medical route first. Ascertain that she hasn't changed because of some hormonal imbalance. Many times people don't realize that things like birth control can completely alter one's personality. It could be anything really. Once you are sure that there is no medical cause, you'll be able to make a guilt-free decision to leave. If it's medical, then treatment will follow and hopefully things will get better soon. Another possibility as suggested before is MC. Both of you can iron out your differences there and she may surprise you with her take on your M. She will also learn that no matter what, it is unacceptable to be abusive in any manner. Regardless of all that, it is not fair to you to live in fear of your partner's outbursts. Her insulting your parents seems a little over the top. Even when you don't like your in-laws, there are some rules that apply with regards to interacting with them. This shows a lack of manners or a mental imbalance. Should you find that it's neither medical and MC isn't helping after a reasonable number of visits, you should leave as soon as you can and not feel bad about it.
marqueemoon4 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 No kids + toxic marriage = separation and divorce. Period.
willowthewisp Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Don't leave without trying, you don't know what you are about to do, believe me.
Lost_Spirit Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Don't give up until you have tried everything possible! My H gave up on our marriage and that hurts more than you can realize. He gave up on ME, on US. If he had been willing to go to councelling or be honest with me on how he was feeling inside, we may still be together today. But he gave up and when someone gives up, it is more painful than you can imagine. Give her a chance and go through all options available. I know you are hurting but if you just walked away you will always be asking yourself, what if?? Like I read on another thread: "Love doesn't walk away, people do"
Author rags Posted November 19, 2011 Author Posted November 19, 2011 Thank you for your responses. At this point I don't even want to try anymore. I tried for 5 years - we had many many fights and she would be ok for a while and then go back to fighting. I always kept telling her that all this fighting and no intimacy will drive us away from each other - I guess she thought I would never leave. Some of you suggest MC, but I don't want to do it - I am so checked out. I know divorce is extremely tough and painful, but if I keep going like this I will end up wasting my and her life. I would rather be alone than being miserable in marriage like this.
findingnemo Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Thank you for your responses. At this point I don't even want to try anymore. I tried for 5 years - we had many many fights and she would be ok for a while and then go back to fighting. I always kept telling her that all this fighting and no intimacy will drive us away from each other - I guess she thought I would never leave. Some of you suggest MC, but I don't want to do it - I am so checked out. I know divorce is extremely tough and painful, but if I keep going like this I will end up wasting my and her life. I would rather be alone than being miserable in marriage like this. Human beings are really funny sometimes. I delayed leaving because I had kids. That was my crutch and cover up for the fear I had for change even when in a violent M. What is yours right now? what is the roadblock that won't let you walk out TODAY? Technically you can wake up tomorrow morning, pack a bag and walk out. No kids to worry about. Or, alternatively, you could stay and take time to plan how to best exit without crippling yourself financially. I think having a plan is always best and you'd need a couple of months at most to do that. Bear in mind though that she'll make it seem like you abandoned her once you walk away. She will tell the vilest lies about you and make you seem like a monster. This will hurt and bother you but when there arent kids in the picture, it is something you can manage easily. Anyway if there are not too many assets, it'll be easier for you to leave.
Author rags Posted November 19, 2011 Author Posted November 19, 2011 Findingnemo, what's holding me back? I feel bad about leaving her, but I know it is for the best for both - I can't stay married only because I feel bad about ending it. And I need to come up with the plan because once I file, I don't think I want to be in the same house. I can see her calling cops on me to make it looked like I was the abusive one, making me look like a total jerk and monster - thats why I will need to find a place to stay, secure my finances etc. Once she finds out, I better not be anywhere close or she will get violent. As far as assets, the only thing we will need to work out is the house and two leased cars - besides that it is pretty even split - if we agree on everything. Like you said, she may get nasty and make me look like a monster which will only delay the process and waste more money.
findingnemo Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Findingnemo, what's holding me back? I feel bad about leaving her, but I know it is for the best for both - I can't stay married only because I feel bad about ending it. And I need to come up with the plan because once I file, I don't think I want to be in the same house. I can see her calling cops on me to make it looked like I was the abusive one, making me look like a total jerk and monster - thats why I will need to find a place to stay, secure my finances etc. Once she finds out, I better not be anywhere close or she will get violent. As far as assets, the only thing we will need to work out is the house and two leased cars - besides that it is pretty even split - if we agree on everything. Like you said, she may get nasty and make me look like a monster which will only delay the process and waste more money. Feeling bad is natural. Your M is ending a bit prematurely and not quite in the manner you envisaged. Since you need time to prep for exit, I suggest you treat her extra nice. Be accommodating and avoid making her go nuts on you. This will only work if you are doing something every day to put your plan into action. Get advice on what to do about the house and cars. Also start extracting yourself from non-essential financial obligations you have together. Be clever about it so that she doesn't realize what you are doing. Use any and all stealth methods with zero remorse. Your situation is not a regular one. If you get in a head to head fight with her, people may not believe your side of the story. Generally people like her are high functioning at work and out there at social events. Your stories about her abusive characteristics will not be believed. Also, sadly, people still don't understand that many women can be abusive too. In such a situation, you need to first detach and then deal with her malicious stories that are sure to follow. There'll be classic abuser behaviour of re-writing history. I know because I'm still, after almost 3 years separated, dealing with a stbxh who is nuts and has made it his life's mission to make look bad. But as they say, sticks and stones...
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Findingnemo, what's holding me back? I feel bad about leaving her, but I know it is for the best for both - I can't stay married only because I feel bad about ending it. And I need to come up with the plan because once I file, I don't think I want to be in the same house. I can see her calling cops on me to make it looked like I was the abusive one, making me look like a total jerk and monster - thats why I will need to find a place to stay, secure my finances etc. Once she finds out, I better not be anywhere close or she will get violent. As far as assets, the only thing we will need to work out is the house and two leased cars - besides that it is pretty even split - if we agree on everything. Like you said, she may get nasty and make me look like a monster which will only delay the process and waste more money. You better then protect yourself if you believe she's capable of doing something stupid like accusing you of something and calling the cops on you. GO TO counselling for a month or so, once a week and bring her with you, this way the therapist can see the dynamic and who each of you are. This way the therapist has abit of background and some knowledge of your marriage. Talk to your family, let them know your plan. Those who you trust, closest friends.. Be prepared and have a place to stay afterwards. It really does sound like you're ready to walk out the door, so don't wait for too long.
seibert253 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 You are an abused H. No different than being an abused W. It also sounds as if you are suffering a little from abused H/W syndrome, (if you can believe in that). NO ONE deserves the treatment your W inflicts upon you. She also seems to be playing directly from the abuser handbook. Making nice, nice to stop you from bailing. You need to contact an Attorney and file. Sooner, rather than later.
Author rags Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Seibert, its funny you said that - she plays directly from abuser handbook - I was just having deep conversation with her (she asked for it) and she keeps crying and saying she loves me but as soon as I ask her is she is willing to change her ways, to stop the name calling on me and my family,etc, she gets defensive and starts to get angry again. She tries to play guilt tricks on me and thinks by saying I love you it will fix everything - I am trying to stay strong and not to give in - I know she will never change and I am already checked out of this marriage. She simply doesn't want to change the way she is - this is simply her. I wish this process wasn't so hard, but I believe I am doing the right thing and once it is over, I can start normal live.
Kelemvor Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 (edited) You're in a better situation than me my friend. At least your wife has a job where you wouldn't feel guilty about her not being able to take care of herself. That's the main thing keeping me in my marriage is that I feel horribly guilty leaving her knowing that she essentially will need to move in with her family until she can learn to earn a paycheck and show up on time like an adult or even find a job that she doesn't enjoy just to make ends meet. The reality is that both of us have checked out of our marriages. You need to stockpile enough money to set it aside to put yourself up in another apt or extended stay hotel. You can't say "I want a divorce" and continue living in the same house. I think all men are subject to the sudden sweetness, crying, emotional strings being pulled, etc... that make us feel like *******s. I plan on saving up money, saying it... and moving out. Immediately. It's easier on both of us and it would be easier on both of you. It gives you time to pull out of the furnace and look at the big picture and get some distance from all of this to get your head straight. If you're miserable, you don't deserve to live your life with someone that makes you miserable. You have to be a little selfish I think in that respect. You've been in this for 6 years. The financial aspect of the divorce will be painful enough but at least you don't have kids. Get out now before alimony or splitting assets becomes even more painful in a court. That 5-6 year mark can make a big difference in a court of law depending on what state you live in. Thinking she's above getting a lawyer to play every nasty trick in the book to get as much as she can is just naive. Edited November 20, 2011 by Kelemvor
Recommended Posts