My breakup: the process

[JC14]

Hi everyone!

 

First post, but a lurker for quite a while now;). Reading through all your posts made me realize that I am not alone. After some hesitation I made the decision to post on my own situation. I hope you guys will give me some good advice/insights (no doubt about that) and that other people might find this thread helpful too.

 

So, lets get on with it.

 

My ex/first love (20, Canadian) of 9 months broke up with me (24, Swedish, apologies for my grammar), 4,5 months ago. I tried to stay friends for the first month, but ultimately went NC for about 3 weeks. After those three weeks, I got back in touch with her. She even stayed with me for a week, but it wasn’t the same anymore. Although we acted like a couple and had sex, she remained distant/cold and wanted to stay friends. After this week, she went to Rome for a semester. After this semester she will, either stay in Europe, or go back to Canada. Again, I tried to remain a friendship with her. Again, this didn’t work out. I have been NC ever since, 47 days and counting!

 

My 47 days of NC (just some notes, sure I’ll be forgetting stuff, but I will post updates for you guys!):

 

- By trying to stay friends, I became her safety net. She still had me in her live to comfort her. To help her through OUR break up. Even though I was in pain too, I tried my best to make her feel good. She had me, but was also free to date etc. This was not good for me.

- I wanted her back and deep down I knew it wasn’t going to happen. On top of that, I was still in her life, so she had no time to miss me at all!

- I realized that she stood behind her decision. I know how difficult the decision was for her. If she could take such a decision, she must have felt strongly about it.

- She wanted to move on, from me! Why would I bother to hope for someone that doesn’t appreciate me for who I am?!

- If she really wants me, she’ll know where to find me.

- I am slowly beginning to see the relationship for what it really was (the good and the bad). I feel it is crucial for me to take her of that pedestal, because the only one who deserves to be up there is ME!

- I am understanding more and more where she came from. Why she came to her decision (G.I.G.S.). It helps.

- My emotions are less severe. Think about her all day though. Occasionally, I just cry it out.

 

Despite those realizations, I find it hard to fully move on. During those 47 days of NC I have been depressed. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. Even though I accept the breakup, I still tend to live in the past. I have difficulty to totally let go of my ex and our relationship. I am seeing a therapist. Talking is great. I know I am overanalysing everything, and it is tiring me out, physically and mentally. I know I need to put my mind straight. To get my thoughts under control. To be rational.

 

Help me do this LS!!!

 

Some things I have difficulty with, and upset me. Things I want to be at peace with. That, if the get into my head, the won’t bother me anymore:

 

- Thought of her and someone else. How could someone, who used to love and care about you, do this to you? Hate that feeling.

- I still get angry at her from time to time. About things that hurt me during our relationship and in the aftermath.

- Fear of opening up to a new girl in the future. To go the extra mile again.

- Will I ever feel normal again ?

- A bit personal, but, where the f*** is my libido? Hope its not gone forever, lol…

 

Btw, during the last 47 days I kept busy. Started working out 5 times a week. Hanging out with friends and family. Blocked every way of communication. I don’t feel like dating yet, weird?

 

I am sorry if this post is all over the place:o. I have just so many things to say.

 

I hope you guys can help me get through this. I would really appreciate it!

 

Thnx!

 

JC14

[JC14]

anyone ?

 

Thank you in advance.

[DownNotOut]

JC - I think you're doing exactly what you need to be doing.

 

As you've read here several times - if you love something, let it free - if it comes back then you know it was true. You can make someone be in love with you and if she lost feelings for whatever reason, then you just have to let her go.

 

You're doing right in working on yourself. It will take a while to get over the breakup, especially since she was your first love - but it will definitely happen in time, you meet someone else who is great for you.

[ChelseaLS]

Hi everyone!

 

First post, but a lurker for quite a while now;). Reading through all your posts made me realize that I am not alone. After some hesitation I made the decision to post on my own situation. I hope you guys will give me some good advice/insights (no doubt about that) and that other people might find this thread helpful too.

 

So, lets get on with it.

 

My ex/first love (20, Canadian) of 9 months broke up with me (24, Swedish, apologies for my grammar), 4,5 months ago. I tried to stay friends for the first month, but ultimately went NC for about 3 weeks. After those three weeks, I got back in touch with her. She even stayed with me for a week, but it wasn’t the same anymore. Although we acted like a couple and had sex, she remained distant/cold and wanted to stay friends. After this week, she went to Rome for a semester. After this semester she will, either stay in Europe, or go back to Canada. Again, I tried to remain a friendship with her. Again, this didn’t work out. I have been NC ever since, 47 days and counting!

 

My 47 days of NC (just some notes, sure I’ll be forgetting stuff, but I will post updates for you guys!):

 

- By trying to stay friends, I became her safety net. She still had me in her live to comfort her. To help her through OUR break up. Even though I was in pain too, I tried my best to make her feel good. She had me, but was also free to date etc. This was not good for me.

- I wanted her back and deep down I knew it wasn’t going to happen. On top of that, I was still in her life, so she had no time to miss me at all!

- I realized that she stood behind her decision. I know how difficult the decision was for her. If she could take such a decision, she must have felt strongly about it.

- She wanted to move on, from me! Why would I bother to hope for someone that doesn’t appreciate me for who I am?!

- If she really wants me, she’ll know where to find me.

- I am slowly beginning to see the relationship for what it really was (the good and the bad). I feel it is crucial for me to take her of that pedestal, because the only one who deserves to be up there is ME!

- I am understanding more and more where she came from. Why she came to her decision (G.I.G.S.). It helps.

- My emotions are less severe. Think about her all day though. Occasionally, I just cry it out.

 

Despite those realizations, I find it hard to fully move on. During those 47 days of NC I have been depressed. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. Even though I accept the breakup, I still tend to live in the past. I have difficulty to totally let go of my ex and our relationship. I am seeing a therapist. Talking is great. I know I am overanalysing everything, and it is tiring me out, physically and mentally. I know I need to put my mind straight. To get my thoughts under control. To be rational.

 

Help me do this LS!!!

 

Some things I have difficulty with, and upset me. Things I want to be at peace with. That, if the get into my head, the won’t bother me anymore:

 

- Thought of her and someone else. How could someone, who used to love and care about you, do this to you? Hate that feeling.

- I still get angry at her from time to time. About things that hurt me during our relationship and in the aftermath.

- Fear of opening up to a new girl in the future. To go the extra mile again.

- Will I ever feel normal again ?

- A bit personal, but, where the f*** is my libido? Hope its not gone forever, lol…

 

Btw, during the last 47 days I kept busy. Started working out 5 times a week. Hanging out with friends and family. Blocked every way of communication. I don’t feel like dating yet, weird?

 

I am sorry if this post is all over the place:o. I have just so many things to say.

 

I hope you guys can help me get through this. I would really appreciate it!

 

Thnx!

 

JC14

 

I think you are on the right path JC14. 47 days is really not a long time, so not wanting to date yet is perfectly normal. I am 43 days out and dating is not even remotely on mind.

As for your libido... I am sure it will come back. I have the complete opposite problem and it is very frustrating. You will feel normal and whole again one day.

I think it's great that you have taken the time to deliberate about the relationship and find where it went wrong.

 

Keep doing what you're doing.

 

Good Luck!

[BCCA]

Youre definitely doing the right things, but it takes time. 47 days isnt even 2 months, so dont expect that everything will be back to normal in a short period of time, because it wont. Time heals all wounds, you just have to let it.

 

I still get angry at her from time to time. About things that hurt me during our relationship and in the aftermath.

 

Thats natural. She hurt you very much, and its easy to resent her for that. All you can do is try not to let that anger affect your life too much.

 

Fear of opening up to a new girl in the future. To go the extra mile again.

Again, thats natural. Youre going to be apprehensive about opening yourself up to being hurt again, and there is nothing wrong with that. Like I said, its just going to take some time.

 

Will I ever feel normal again ?

 

Absolutely. You just lost someone very important to you, though, so its going to take a little while to get back to normal, but youll get there.

 

A bit personal, but, where the f*** is my libido? Hope its not gone forever, lol

 

Youre used to sleeping with someone you love, so its going to be weird to sleep with someone else you dont know as well. But you'll be fine, and your libido will come back. Just take some time away from women, work on you, doing things you enjoy, and just get back to being ok with being alone.

[JC14]

Thank you guys so much for your replies! It definitely makes me feel better about the whole situation.

 

Earlier today I had a bit of a relapse though. Just when I thought I was doing better, I felt like crap again. I'm doing better right now. Maybe I needed to let all my anger out to take the next step. I feel a bit relieved righ now actually. Weird.

 

Its just, I want it to be over with. I know she won't come back. I know we weren't 'meant' to be. Yes, 47 days is actually not that long. My goal is to reach 90 days (January 1st, 2012). After those 90 days I won't break NC, but its nice to have a date in the future to analyze everything.

 

Thanks again guys! I really appreciate that you are taking the time to help me out. I'll try to update on my situation as much as I can. If you have any, feel free to ask questions:).

[ChelseaLS]

JC14 it's not relapsing when you go from feeling okay to feeling like **** again.. it's merely the emotional roller coaster of a break up. You're going to have these set backs 4 months from now, but they will fade and you will be back to feeling good again.

 

If having a set date works for you, then thats awesome. Myself... I take it one day at a time... the future scares me in a way. I have a calendar where at the end of each day I cross it out.

 

Good Luck we will all be okay.

[shayla]

Sometimes the aftermath of a breakup can cause one to feel if they are going one step forward and two steps back/. Going back and forth from acceptance to anger to depression back to anger. It's the way each person heals. Time and working on whatever issues you have that you want to change will help that healing to happen for you.

 

It took a year for me, my hope for you is that it doesn't take as long for you.

[nu464]

I definitely think you should keep the plan to go to the concert with her. Breaking it would make it seem like you really don't care or don't want to see her. I understand about having feelings for jumping back into the relationship, so just be mature about it. If you really don't want to get back together with her, then just have fun as friends and leave it at that. But you said you would like to work things out, so maybe even tell her that you still care about her and maybe after things settle down in both your lives, you can try to date again.

[JC14]

I definitely think you should keep the plan to go to the concert with her. Breaking it would make it seem like you really don't care or don't want to see her. I understand about having feelings for jumping back into the relationship, so just be mature about it. If you really don't want to get back together with her, then just have fun as friends and leave it at that. But you said you would like to work things out, so maybe even tell her that you still care about her and maybe after things settle down in both your lives, you can try to date again.

 

nu464, I appreciate your reply, but I think you've got the wrong thread.

[leoc1973]

Hey JC I been through the same exact feelings I think lots of us have. Two things that helped me... One I started writing her emails... I never sent them but I just wrote anything I wanted to write. I told her off I told her how rotten she is how ungrateful what a whore what a waste of time and effort and how I wish I never did any of those "little things" that people do for each other cause they really love them but I definitely did not send them. I go back and read them every day(well not every day anymore) but when you read them think of yourself as a 3rd person. How stupid you sound for feeling that way about one person. And give yourself advice as if you were someone else. That is how I started getting over it. I think what it did for me is it detached me from that other person I was/am. The other think I did was go on one of those dating sites. I actually didn't even start emailing any girls at first. I just looked at their profiles and read them and started to think man if I was single I would totally like to get to know this girl or that girl and after thinking about it I was like oh **** I am single. I actually started going on some dates. Some horrible some great and met a really sweet girl. Now a days I wake up and don't even care anymore. I was devistated at first like just wanted to die literally. Now I look back at my ex I smile and I say to myself I hope she is ok and has a great life cause I really did love her. Seriously try those 2 things hopefully it isn't just me and it can help you too!

[JC14]

Hey JC I been through the same exact feelings I think lots of us have. Two things that helped me... One I started writing her emails... I never sent them but I just wrote anything I wanted to write. I told her off I told her how rotten she is how ungrateful what a whore what a waste of time and effort and how I wish I never did any of those "little things" that people do for each other cause they really love them but I definitely did not send them. I go back and read them every day(well not every day anymore) but when you read them think of yourself as a 3rd person. How stupid you sound for feeling that way about one person. And give yourself advice as if you were someone else. That is how I started getting over it. I think what it did for me is it detached me from that other person I was/am. The other think I did was go on one of those dating sites. I actually didn't even start emailing any girls at first. I just looked at their profiles and read them and started to think man if I was single I would totally like to get to know this girl or that girl and after thinking about it I was like oh **** I am single. I actually started going on some dates. Some horrible some great and met a really sweet girl. Now a days I wake up and don't even care anymore. I was devistated at first like just wanted to die literally. Now I look back at my ex I smile and I say to myself I hope she is ok and has a great life cause I really did love her. Seriously try those 2 things hopefully it isn't just me and it can help you too!

 

Thank you for your reply leoc1973. I think putting you feelings on paper is one of the best pieces of advice you can give someone in our situation. For you its writing emails, which you don't send. Myself, I am keeping a journal. If I am angry/sad or have other thoughts, I just write it off. Works very well! Through writing, I slowly lost my idealistic perception of our realtionship/my ex. I began to see the relationship for what it really was. Also, I realized that my ex wasn't that special at all. At one point I realized that, although she really loved me, she did not love me enough or al least not in the way that I loved her. I was painfull to acknowledge, but it definitely puts things in perspective.

 

Right now, I don't really feel like dating. That doesn't mean I wont, but I am not going to force it. I just think it will happen when I am ready. Like somekind of natural process. I am definitely noticing other girl more and more. I just want to feel like me again, before I open myself up to someone else. Though, I do think that dating, and eventually having a new relationship, is crucial in order to get totally emotionally detached from your ex.

[JC14]

JC14 it's not relapsing when you go from feeling okay to feeling like **** again.. it's merely the emotional roller coaster of a break up. You're going to have these set backs 4 months from now, but they will fade and you will be back to feeling good again.

 

If having a set date works for you, then thats awesome. Myself... I take it one day at a time... the future scares me in a way. I have a calendar where at the end of each day I cross it out.

 

Good Luck we will all be okay.

 

You are right ChelseaLS. Those setbacks are just part of the healing process. I just want them to be over with. To be honest, eventhough I experience these setbacks once in a while, I do feel like I am still moving on.

[JC14]

btw, ChelseaLS, don't you feel that using that calendar every day makes it a more difficult to move? I mean, thinking about that calendar everyday gives your ex maybe more attention then he deserves. I am not judging the way you are handeling things, I am just curious about your perspective on this.

 

Thanks again for your reply, it definitely helps!

[hikaru]

You are right ChelseaLS. Those setbacks are just part of the healing process. I just want them to be over with. To be honest, eventhough I experience these setbacks once in a while, I do feel like I am still moving on.

 

I'm experiencing the same thing....didn't have as long of a relationship as you, but daily, I go up and down. I go from not enjoying anything, to looking forward to doing something I usually love to do, to being depressed while doing it. Or I just lose all motivation to follow through. Definitely not fun, it seems many if not everyone on here has gone through this, so even though it might be hard to accept "time will heal" right now, it was at least comforting to know I'm not alone in these feelings.

[JC14]

I'm experiencing the same thing....didn't have as long of a relationship as you, but daily, I go up and down. I go from not enjoying anything, to looking forward to doing something I usually love to do, to being depressed while doing it. Or I just lose all motivation to follow through. Definitely not fun, it seems many if not everyone on here has gone through this, so even though it might be hard to accept "time will heal" right now, it was at least comforting to know I'm not alone in these feelings.

 

I agree. We just have to accept that these ups and downs are part of the healing process. Going through these stages will make us only stronger in the end. As time goes by, our feelings will be less severe, and ultimatelly fade. Every day that goes by, is a step closer towards finding happieness again.