Rose_Petal Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Hi there, I've already posted a couple of threads about my story and though most of the comments have been helpful, there's still one question on my mind...How do I deal with this guilty feeling that's eating me up inside? Why do I feel this guilty? I was the dumpee but I can't help thinking that I could have done something to prevent the break up...calm myself when I'd get mad, just ignore him when he got annoying, etc. I always felt I was a person who had a control on her emotions but for some reason I had none in the last couple of months when I was around my ex. Which was almost 24/7...keep in mind I'm 17 so bear with me. We did everything together...and I know most people will say it's not one person's fault, it's 50/50...but I don't understand the logic behind that. Yes, he had his faults and I had mine (which I hate myself for) and maybe the relationship wasn't going well because of the both of us. However, I don't feel like it's a 50/50 because he left ME for MY faults, not for his...therefore, the break up was due to my faults...does this make any sense? Either way I just can't help feel guilty and humiliated. I feel like I deserved everything that happened to me...I don't seem to care that he had faults, just that I had faults. Help, I want to get out of this feeling guilty thing...has anyone else felt like this?
Rorschach64 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Feeling guilty is natural. Yes you will feel that you could have done something better for the situation or even during the break up but you didn't like all of us. It is because we are human and we are not perfect. You have to understand that. If I remember correctly he left you and went with some other girl right after , right? He was looking for a way out that's it. My ex-fiancee did the same thing, blamed me for a whole lot of nothing just so she can leave guilt free to persue someone else, despite knowing this I still feel bouts of guilt here and there. It sucks and it drives me nuts sometimes but reassuring myself that I did everything I could during and for the relationship means that I didn't fall short, she did. Your ex, if I am remembering this correctly, couldn't man up against his parents and you were trying to support him and push him towards a healthy independant direction (Granted change should be a self driving force) but instead he ran from standing up for himself and took out his frustrations on you then found another girl while in the process, does that sound about right?
Author Rose_Petal Posted November 19, 2011 Author Posted November 19, 2011 Feeling guilty is natural. Yes you will feel that you could have done something better for the situation or even during the break up but you didn't like all of us. It is because we are human and we are not perfect. You have to understand that. If I remember correctly he left you and went with some other girl right after , right? He was looking for a way out that's it. My ex-fiancee did the same thing, blamed me for a whole lot of nothing just so she can leave guilt free to persue someone else, despite knowing this I still feel bouts of guilt here and there. It sucks and it drives me nuts sometimes but reassuring myself that I did everything I could during and for the relationship means that I didn't fall short, she did. Your ex, if I am remembering this correctly, couldn't man up against his parents and you were trying to support him and push him towards a healthy independant direction (Granted change should be a self driving force) but instead he ran from standing up for himself and took out his frustrations on you then found another girl while in the process, does that sound about right? Yup, that about sums it up It's just frustrating because I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do...I think I'm just afraid that I have a lot of flaws and if I just assume I'm not guilty of anything, those flaws will never be corrected. I guess that I feel that if I blame myself for more things then I should, then I can be sure I won't overlook something I am responsible for...hope this makes some sort of sense lol I can be hard on myself which seems to make this process even longer...is it ok that I stop feeling guilty even though there are things I could have done better?
Rorschach64 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 It is natural to feel guilty even if you aren't guilty in this instance, like I said I felt the same way about my break up even though I did nothing wrong except allowed her to walk all over me like she did without going "Whoa...whoa...whoa...you're accusing me of cheating? What the hell?" We all have flaws and no one is perfect, see that's the thing with relationships you have to take the awesome traits and the flawed traits with the person. Granted there are some flaw traits that should send you running the other way like just getting out of a relationship, cheating in past relationships, and blah blah. Well this is the time to reflect on yourself as a person, on the person you were in the relationship, and come to the conclusion what you need to improve on and sustain. The best thing to move on from a relationship is try to forgive yourself, firstly, and then forgive your ex.
Sustugriel Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Help, I want to get out of this feeling guilty thing...has anyone else felt like this? Rose_Petal, I am experiencing exactly what your are feeling.. my girlfriend left me after 5 years last week. I haven't posted my story, but your thread is a mirror of how I am feeling and I wanted you to know that you are not alone. The feeling is consuming.. You can't help but think of all the little arguments and the tension/aggravation behind them. You wish you could take it all back and tell yourself you should behaved differently. I for one could only remember the arguments, not the resolutions of those arguments. I had to struggle to think of the apologies and how we fixed it. I would imagine you are feeling the same. Despite support from my friends and family, it has done little to alleviate the guilt of it all. Questions pop into my head constantly.. "What did I do to push her away? Why did it get this bad....Could I have done something prior to this to help us?" These questions loop, and push us into even lower feelings of guilt as we start to question our every action. Everyone will tell you that it isn't your fault and that it's a combined effort. While there is truth in that, The simple fact is, you and I are not going to feel that way right now. We may never have the answers of the questions looping in our heads. Right now, even if you TRY to not feel guilty about it, you still probably will. You are doing the best thing you can do, continue reaching out to people; Find empathy and people who care about you and want to help as I am attempting here.
Rorschach64 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Yuppers that's about right. I know I struggle with the fact that I tried to convience my ex-f to see the light of truth in to finding out she met someone 4 days after the break up, which she obviously broke up with me for this someone else, so I had to confront on this bs. End result was her going from being overly friendly and acting as if nothing happened to cold, vulgar, and cruel to me. I still think that maybe if I approached the situation better she'd be around still but anyone can tell you that wouldn't have happened anyway. Sooooo nuts to the guilt.
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