MontanaGirl Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Well, that second chance was short lived. The new guy sent me an email today saying he was canceling his trip to see me next week. Why? He was moving too fast with me (I didn't push at all, it was all him), afraid of long distance, needed more time to get over his last relationship (which ended in the spring, about a month before he emailed me the first time), he needs more time to get his head straight.... Until this email, he seemed so excited to come back here, even bought a ticket the day after he got back home from his trip here. We have been emailing and chatting every day, then, BAM, I wake up to this email. I guess I should appreciate his honesty, but I wish he'd thought of all these things BEFORE his trip here, before he planned to spend Thanksgiving with me, before he said he wanted a relationship, before he said he was ready to be with me (I asked explicitly a couple weeks ago, when I found out he was ~5 months out of a long term relationship, he said yes). He says maybe after New Years, once he's home from a family trip, he'll have a clear head and will know if he can be with me. I'm probably more bummed than I should be. I was really excited about this guy.
leoc1973 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 Hey I was really rooting for you. Now ya gotta play a little hard to get. Let him come to you! Do you know if anything is going on in his personal life with any current girls. Did he use you to make his ex jealous? Keep me posted I would love to see you two together!
Author MontanaGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 Well, I got a little more information from him. He'd broken up with a long term girl (whom he'd dated pretty much the entire time we weren't dating!) about a month before he started regularly emailing me. I guess she found out he was starting to see me and begged him for a second chance. He said that isn't what he wants, but realizes that he can't have so many doubts starting a relationship with me. He said he's afraid that, a few months from now, he'll realize he isn't ready and really hurt me. Wish he'd realized this just nine days ago, when I found out about his last relationship, and asked, explicitly, if he was sure he was ready to be with me. He answered with such a resounding yes (which I believed, since it has been half a year since they broke up). I have to respect his honesty though, and maybe third time could be the charm. Ball is in his court now.
ChelseaLS Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Be strong . Space and time. I think it's smart for you and him to not start anything to serious before he has had time to heal.
leoc1973 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Did she break up with him or did he break up with her? I think you need to sit back and let her screw up not to mention if you leave him alone he will go out of his way to contact you and she will find out. I really hope he didn't break up with her cause now I feel bad for both of you girls and I hope this guy isn't a jerk to be playing with girls emotions.
Author MontanaGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 He described it as a mutual acceptance that they didn't work, and said they broke up about 6 months ago. Who knows how mutual it really was, I didn't ask. I don't like to pry into anyone's past beyond "Is your past, actually in the past? Are you ready for a new present? Good." Knowing more just seems to get people into uncomfortable situations. I do feel sorry for the other girl... She was his only gf between my past relationship with this guy and what we had been starting recently. I imagine it's quite a blow to the ego to find out his first real move after breaking up with her was to pursue the woman he had been dating before her. If I were her, I'd be wondering how serious he'd been with me all this time, or if he'd just been settling. And I can't blame her for trying to have a second chance--after all, that's why we're all here on this forum! He doesn't seem the type to toy with women's emotions. I've been with enough men who do, that I'd like to think I could spot it. Regardless, I won't be talking to him until January, as per his request for space. And then if he does want to be with me, and I'm still single, we'll be re-starting very slowly. Thanks for your interest Leoc, I appreciate it.
immitable Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 He described it as a mutual acceptance that they didn't work, and said they broke up about 6 months ago. Who knows how mutual it really was, I didn't ask. I don't like to pry into anyone's past beyond "Is your past, actually in the past? Are you ready for a new present? Good." Knowing more just seems to get people into uncomfortable situations. I do feel sorry for the other girl... She was his only gf between my past relationship with this guy and what we had been starting recently. I imagine it's quite a blow to the ego to find out his first real move after breaking up with her was to pursue the woman he had been dating before her. If I were her, I'd be wondering how serious he'd been with me all this time, or if he'd just been settling. And I can't blame her for trying to have a second chance--after all, that's why we're all here on this forum! He doesn't seem the type to toy with women's emotions. I've been with enough men who do, that I'd like to think I could spot it. Regardless, I won't be talking to him until January, as per his request for space. And then if he does want to be with me, and I'm still single, we'll be re-starting very slowly. Thanks for your interest Leoc, I appreciate it. I believe you should ask him, if you get a chance who broke up with whom etc. I think it is one of the most important things to know about a person you want to start a relationship with. Based on my experience I was like you, didn't want to pry on my exs stuff before she was with me. She had a 3 year marriage behind her, the only thing she mentioned is that she got fed up with him and surprisingly filed for a divorce, the guy was in mega shock, totally unedpected and he came from another country to live with her. It was a big red flag which I ignored at the time. luckily I didn't marry her but she ended the relationship in the same manner with me, it came as a shock as we never fought etc. Should have known better as she seems to have major communication issues. Be your own judge. On your situation I would definitely give him time.
smokey bear Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 I dont think rebounds ever get second chances, if the feelings didnt form the first time i dont think they ever do. look at whats already happened, these things should be major red flags for you and your still considering this guy??????????????????
Author MontanaGirl Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 Good advice Immitable, I will ask him more details about his last relationship, if we talk again in the future. I suppose either extreme (don't tell me anything, tell me everything) is unhealthy; like most things, the best choice lies somewhere in the middle. I've learned from a mutual friend that, when he got together with this other girl six years ago, he also stopped seeing her for about a month at this stage in their relationship. Allegedly because he still had feelings for me, and wanted to be sure he was ready for a relationship. Evidently this is a pattern for him, which makes me feel some better. Still, I am equal parts understanding, hurt, and annoyed. Smokey, you think I was just a rebound? Feelings did form the first time (very strong feelings on his side); I was too immature to handle a healthy relationship at that stage. And feelings formed this recent time too, maybe a little too much too fast in fact. He was already planning months down the line, and referred to this as our "first Thanksgiving together." I was honestly a little scared of such a fast progression, and figured this break was because he scared himself too (in addition to the ex factor). Anyone else have an opinion on this? I've been a rebound too many times before, I have no patience for that anymore.
Author MontanaGirl Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 The ex-turned-second-chance-turned-ex still hasn't gotten back to me. He said he wanted space until after his holiday vacation to figure out what he wanted, if he was really over his ex and ready for a relationship with me. It's been just shy of two months since we stopped talking. Not so much as an email between us. I'm pretty proud of that, actually, that I resisted contacting him all this time. I know he got back home from his holidays a couple days ago. I realize these first days will be recovering from jet lag (he's been overseas) and catching up with work, so I haven't expected anything yet, but I still find myself checking my email more than I want to admit. Knowing that he's back, how long do I wait to hear from him before I give up and move on for good? It seems like if he'd decided he wanted to start something real, he'd be eager to let me know. I haven't put my life on hold these months, by any means, but I have avoided getting serious with anyone to avoid complications. Opinions?
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