Uncertain Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Here is my story, Me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 months. During these 5 months the relationship itself has been perfect between us two... no fights, no arguments, when one of us says something that even remotely upsets the other there is immediate apologizing, etc, etc. The last few months have been very tough however because of our parents. We come from different religious backgrounds, however we are mostly non-practicing when it comes to our respective religions and share the same views spiritually. Different story with the parents, neither side approves at all of the relationship because first of all, we come from hindu/muslim backgrounds and dating is traditonally not approved in the culture. Thus, whenever a parent hears of a relationship, marriage is automatically the first thing that comes to mind. Now, we are in no way ready to get married, in fact we pretty much agree that we aren't even in love with each other yet (though it may be close). When I told my parents they immediately disapproved of it and made threats, etc, etc. Even after this we had a talk and decided to continue the relationship (I told my parents we had broken up, and later on told them we still talk to each other basically trying to leave the door open for the future if/when things got more serious between us). She had also told her parents before, and they didn't mind at first as long as it was just a "fling" and nothing serious. Now she is home for the summer from college and they realize it is getting serious and almost every day put pressure on her to break up. She now feels very guilty and her heart is torn. She doesn't want to upset her parents but she also doesn't want to break up because we both realize that we may have something special. Neither of us is in the business of upsetting our parents and I strongly feel that we should continue the relationship and fight because its not everyday you meet someone you get along with so well. She came down to visit this weekend and she had enough of her mom's lectures. Yesterday, she suggested the idea of breaking up and was pretty serious about it. However, we were both overcome with emotion and could not break up fully. We decided to come to a small compromise. For the rest of the summer we are on "break". This is going to be about 2 1/2 months until fall semester starts again and during the break we will still talk to each other over the phone, online, and what not. However, there aren't going to be anymore visits. She thinks this is a good idea partly so that she can tell her mom that we are on break for now and there will be less pressure that she will have to endure. Also I guess she will discuss this issue with her mother more during the summer. At the end of the summer we will reevaluate where we stand, both on our own feelings and how our parents feel and then decide to get back together or not in the fall. When she first mentioned the break idea I was a little confused because I didn't see any point to it. Her mom would likely not change her stance and our feelings would remain the same. I also don't think parents are going to change their stance at all, especially when the children themselves say they aren't in love yet. I can only see them changing if the kids are truly in love and have been together for a while, then the serious discussions will start and progress may be made. Now I am just depressed and devastated. I know we are on break and it isn't officially over but I can't help but feel we will never get back together. I realize 5 months is not a very long time a relationship and I suggested that we just keep going because eventually it may not work out anyway. However, she is worried that if we just kept the relationship going without really telling our parents, there is always the change it could get serious and she is afraid of being too attached and then facing her parents and their likely disapproval. Then what? Basically, I guess the smarter thing to do would be to break it off now before we get too attached. However, just typing those words were hard enough because I really think we have something and I believe we can fight and eventually (hopefully) get our parents to accept us in the future. Even as she suggests things like breaking up, it is very hard because at the same time she has trouble letting go as well. I want to fight and continue the relationship because I believe in the end it will all work out one way or another. I don't want to prematurely end such a great relationship because it is so hard to find someone you have so much in common with and feel strongly about. Any advice at all would be appreciated as I am just at a loss for words and thoughts and my post was probably just a random jumbling of thoughts. Yesterday I did not eat at *all* and I have had trouble getting out of bed and doing anything. We both cried so much yesterday and she cried as she left to drive back home. I don't know what to do anymore.
zephyr Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 My Dear Uncertain, It seems you and I are facing the EXACT same problem... Only mine is a bit more serious and precarious. Namely, my soulmate is Jewish, I am Muslim. To my parents, that is absolute taboo/no-no and I have had to go 'underground' with the relationship some time ago. My father made it clear that this relationship would never be tolerated but I realized that I was not going to let my parents determine my fate and make me miserable for the rest of my life when I had found a kindred soul. Darling, I am tired at the moment and wish I could give you some sound advice besides the rambling, but the gist of the matter is that you HAVE to follow your heart. It is hard and I know that it hurts but you two need to decide whether you have something special. Should this be the case, DO NOT let others' opinions or value systems determine your destiny. Do you want to be wondering five years down the road "what if..." just because you allowed somebody else to dictate your will? I know that I have found in my dear boyfriend the love of my life. He is my best friend and my partner in crime and I'll be damned if I let anybody take that away from me (granted, I've tried to break it off on quite a few occasions because the pressure was just too much to bear and I was going through some bizarre mood swings myself-but eventually, I've always come to the conclusion that this is a gift I didn't have a right to throw away) Don't make yourself miserable. Reason with her. Tell her how you feel about her and reassure her that no matter what, you will be there for her. It is important for her to feel that she has someone to lean on and turn to. Let her know how much the relationship means to you and make it clear that you two should be the ones determining your happiness, not others. YOU will be living your life 10 years down the road, NOT your parents. Now, go and win your girl back!!! I wish you all the best with all my heart because I know precisely what you are going through. If you need advice or just someone to talk to, don't hesitate to contact me. Best...
Uncertain Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 Thank you for the kind words, it really helps to know someone is going through the same situation. I woudl love to chat with you more about our respective situations... send me a PM with your email or just post it here if you wish..
estakado Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 Have a talk with yourself and ask yourself if you REALLY wanna be exclusive to this woman. Commitment is key. You guys need to really talk things out and I know marriage isnt ready but think about it...if she is the one then you gotta go for it and forget everyone else. On her end she has to deal with that fact that are you really the guy for her. Religions that dont match hurt but if you both know how you really feel about each other then it makes your relationship stronger. What you gotta know about is how much does family and religion mean in your life and if you still need family or religion to live both of your lives then maybe your relationship cannot go on right now. When its just you 2 you guys are ok right? The outside pressures are the ones affecting your relationship. Find out about what you both can compromise about each other then build on it.....of course you gotta factor in the nagging parents.
Recommended Posts