hikaru Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Anyone else ever come across this? So, I've posted my story, but didn't get many responses. Short summary- In the beginning she told me she has a history of short relationships, she never completely emotionally commits, and she doesn't want people to get close enough to be hurt by her, so when small issues popped up, she hopped out. Then I come along. She had been seeing a therapist to help her understand what would she would need to commit to someone seriously. She made a list, and I literally ticked all the check boxes. We are/were compatible from top to bottom. We didn't think identically, not at all, but we had a lot of very similar core interests, and sexually we had amazing chemistry. So, she tells me about a month in that she's actively telling herself not to be anxious about being in something long term, and I don't think anything of it, because she's still focused on the relationship. Then 4 weeks ago her body language and behavior changed, she seemed less interested in making sure we spent time together...some nights we'd each just spend alone at our respective apartments, some nights she'd go out with a girlfriend...anyway, the details of the breakup and the week prior to it are in a thread, not exactly important. What's crazy, is that even though I'm what she's got written down as exactly what she wants, and even though I'm interested in committing to her, making her happy, and sharing our lives together and growing the connection we had, she'd rather abandon any relationship at all. We've had conversations about open relationships before...she believes she can have multiple casual relationships concurrently that have deep, meaningful connections, but with no expectations, and no consequences. She tells me that we can still be together, and that she wants me in her life, but only if we're in an Open relationship. Has anyone come across this? A girl in her mid 20's, who's gone through numerous short relationships with guys she isn't really even that into, finds someone willing to commit, and quits before she even tried to emotionally invest herself? I'm just desperate here...she met all my check boxes too. It's been a week, and I can't stop thinking about her, even though the way it ended was evidence she doesn't have much respect for me. I'm almost 28, and I thought by now I'd have someone I'd be sharing my life with, which is probably a major part of my fixation, that and how similar she and I were versus any of my other ex's.. my social circle is small, just looking for discussion..not even necessarily support.
Bito Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Go nc. She obviosly does not know what she wants. Show her what she will miss without you in her life. 28 is still young man dont sweat over that.
stillafool Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 . In the beginning she told me she has a history of short relationships, she never completely emotionally commits, and she doesn't want people to get close enough to be hurt by her, so when small issues popped up, she hopped out. Why don't people believe people when they tell them who they are? She made herself perfectly clear in the beginning but you chose to ignore it and here you are. I can't blame your ex because you were well informed as to who you were dealing with. Next time, believer them.
ChelseaLS Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Why don't people believe people when they tell them who they are? She made herself perfectly clear in the beginning but you chose to ignore it and here you are. I can't blame your ex because you were well informed as to who you were dealing with. Next time, believer them. That is something I am learning. To take what is said, as what it is. It's not an easy thing to change. I think people don't accpet what is told generally, because either they don't want too or because it doesn't make sense in their mind so it must be a mistake (does that make sense).
geegirl Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) You speak of my ex. He's 37 now and cannot commit and will most likely be this way for a long time and even if he marries at some point later in his life, which he said he will most likely have to do to have some security in his life, it will be just a need to settle. Do you want to be in an open relationship? What do you want in a relationship? What are your values? Can you deal with knowing she is sleeping with others? Stop analyzing her because this is who she will be for a long time. She can meet the most perfect man, but at the end of the day, she won't have the emotional capacity to fully commit. An "open" relationship is perfect for her. She gets the benefits of an R without having to be in an R. An R requires effort. Effort means affording empathy, loyalty, trust, unconditional love, etc to your partner. She cannot do that because she does not have it in her to go the distance, her emotional availability is stunted, therefore, her level commitment is very shallow. It doesn't matter if they meet a perfect partner, who they are within, their core will always be what decides how they want to live their life. Don't believe for one second that you might just change her mind by continuing to sleep with her and being loyal to her terms. She can switch off when she needs to. You can't. When someone tells you what you don't want to hear, listen. Edited November 18, 2011 by geegirl
Author hikaru Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) Why don't people believe people when they tell them who they are? She made herself perfectly clear in the beginning but you chose to ignore it and here you are. I can't blame your ex because you were well informed as to who you were dealing with. Next time, believer them. She said the same thing, that she warned me.....but at the same time, in the beginning she also told me she's in a better place. That her past was behind her and she was ready to commit. I guess I shouldn't take any risks, or have any faith or trust in what others have to say anymore? I'd rather not be that boring or pessimistic. I really don't like that, as just as you're suggesting now, she almost puts the blame on me for all this, even though she led me to believe she was ready to commit. As far as I could tell, she was for a time. She actually never even phrased it as a warning, she just spoke of her past, and we had a long discussion about it because I was worried of just this happening. She reassured me....so I guess from this I'm just supposed to trust people less at their word? No one can really change? Edited November 18, 2011 by hikaru
geegirl Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 She said the same thing, that she warned me.....but at the same time, in the beginning she also told me she's in a better place. That her past was behind her and she was ready to commit. I guess I shouldn't take any risks, or have any faith or trust in what others have to say anymore? I'd rather not be that boring or pessimistic. I really don't like that, as just as you're suggesting now, she almost puts the blame on me for all this, even though she led me to believe she was ready to commit. As far as I could tell, she was for a time. She actually never even phrased it as a warning, she just spoke of her past, and we had a long discussion about it because I was worried of just this happening. She reassured me....so I guess from this I'm just supposed to trust people less at their word? No one can really change? Maybe at the time she felt that she could change. Sometimes there even is a want for change but whether they can follow through is a different story. At the end of the day, it's not about what people say, it's about how intuned you are in calling BS when you see it. Look at their actions, not their words. Expecting change in a person, especially with issues that are such deeply ingrained is a risk. Most times, the issues resurface after awhile, and at times change is only promised to get a situation to work on their terms. And even if change were to come, it won't happen overnight, it may take years and even when that happens, it's never a guarantee that you will find the person you hope for them to be.
Feelin Frisky Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Just face it, for whatever reason she just doesn't want you enough. I would consider that her loss and start getting over her--as hard as that might be. Forget about those check boxes--that's no guaranty.
wilsonx Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Maybe at the time she felt that she could change. Sometimes there even is a want for change but whether they can follow through is a different story. At the end of the day, it's not about what people say, it's about how intuned you are in calling BS when you see it. Look at their actions, not their words. Expecting change in a person, especially with issues that are such deeply ingrained is a risk. Most times, the issues resurface after awhile, and at times change is only promised to get a situation to work on their terms. And even if change were to come, it won't happen overnight, it may take years and even when that happens, it's never a guarantee that you will find the person you hope for them to be. This is spot on. You have to accept that you missed it. It's ok we're all human and miss it You should watch 500 days of summer. Its a good movie about this
Author hikaru Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) Maybe at the time she felt that she could change. Sometimes there even is a want for change but whether they can follow through is a different story. At the end of the day, it's not about what people say, it's about how intuned you are in calling BS when you see it. Look at their actions, not their words. Expecting change in a person, especially with issues that are such deeply ingrained is a risk. Most times, the issues resurface after awhile, and at times change is only promised to get a situation to work on their terms. And even if change were to come, it won't happen overnight, it may take years and even when that happens, it's never a guarantee that you will find the person you hope for them to be. To me, it was as if she was one way(seemingly committed) and then she changed back over the last month. Her actions would not have me calling BS on her words, which is why I was taken aback at by her behavior in the last 3 weeks of the relationship. It's not like she said "ok I'll change for you", it's that from the git-go, she was invested, and then suddenly, something happened later on. She said someone asked her how long we'd been together, and that got her thinking about the future and blah blah blah, she spiraled herself out of the relationship. This is spot on. You have to accept that you missed it. It's ok we're all human and miss it You should watch 500 days of summer. Its a good movie about this Like I said, her actions from the start would not have had me calling BS...she was all about us, she was considerate, and showed me so. It wasn't just lust, we did a lot together. Just face it, for whatever reason she just doesn't want you enough. I would consider that her loss and start getting over her--as hard as that might be. Forget about those check boxes--that's no guaranty. Sure, I can use logic to outwit my emotions for a bit, but in the end I am still in the process of getting over her. It was pretty amazing those first 3 months, fulfilling, fun, exciting(I know that can wear off, but we had some momentum)..I do consider it her loss, and I know I need to, I just don't really have people to talk to about it. Edited November 18, 2011 by hikaru
geegirl Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) When there is an issue with commitment, most times the R will lose steam after the honeymoon period is over. 3-6 months tops. After that it is just a matter of time when the boredom sets in and the fear of expectation kicks in. That is why when she was asked how long you both were together, she spiraled. That was a reminder to her that she's heading down the path of "expectations" and that is not what she wants and can handle. That was also a reminder to her that she now has to accountable to you and to a so-called relationship and that is not what she wants or can handle. When it's all roses and sunshine, it's easy. Little effort needs to be made because the R is fueled by it's "newness", by the "good feelings". When the "newness" fades, then comes time for both to put in effort and work to keep the R going, to build a foundation based on shared values. Commitment requires effort. And if she can't commit, she can't put in the effort. That is why all her R's are short and sweet. It does not require emotional depth. There is no need to invest. There is no need to commit. She is telling you who she is. I know it's hard to fathom why she can't appreciate a good thing. In your eyes it's a good thing, in her eyes it's something that does not feel comfortable to her and that's hardly a good thing. Edited November 18, 2011 by geegirl
ChelseaLS Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 When it's all roses and sunshine, it's easy. Little effort needs to be made because the R is fueled by it's "newness", by the "good feelings". When the "newness" fades, then comes time for both to put in effort and work to keep the R going, to build a foundation based on shared values. Commitment requires effort. And if she can't commit, she can't put in the effort. That is why all her R's are short and sweet. It does not require emotional depth. There is no need to invest. There is no need to commit. . This is perfectly put. I like this. I wish I could show this to all the people who think that relationships don't take work. Thanks geegirl.
KathyM Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Anyone else ever come across this? So, I've posted my story, but didn't get many responses. Short summary- In the beginning she told me she has a history of short relationships, she never completely emotionally commits, and she doesn't want people to get close enough to be hurt by her, so when small issues popped up, she hopped out. Then I come along. She had been seeing a therapist to help her understand what would she would need to commit to someone seriously. She made a list, and I literally ticked all the check boxes. We are/were compatible from top to bottom. We didn't think identically, not at all, but we had a lot of very similar core interests, and sexually we had amazing chemistry. So, she tells me about a month in that she's actively telling herself not to be anxious about being in something long term, and I don't think anything of it, because she's still focused on the relationship. Then 4 weeks ago her body language and behavior changed, she seemed less interested in making sure we spent time together...some nights we'd each just spend alone at our respective apartments, some nights she'd go out with a girlfriend...anyway, the details of the breakup and the week prior to it are in a thread, not exactly important. What's crazy, is that even though I'm what she's got written down as exactly what she wants, and even though I'm interested in committing to her, making her happy, and sharing our lives together and growing the connection we had, she'd rather abandon any relationship at all. We've had conversations about open relationships before...she believes she can have multiple casual relationships concurrently that have deep, meaningful connections, but with no expectations, and no consequences. She tells me that we can still be together, and that she wants me in her life, but only if we're in an Open relationship. Has anyone come across this? A girl in her mid 20's, who's gone through numerous short relationships with guys she isn't really even that into, finds someone willing to commit, and quits before she even tried to emotionally invest herself? I'm just desperate here...she met all my check boxes too. It's been a week, and I can't stop thinking about her, even though the way it ended was evidence she doesn't have much respect for me. I'm almost 28, and I thought by now I'd have someone I'd be sharing my life with, which is probably a major part of my fixation, that and how similar she and I were versus any of my other ex's.. my social circle is small, just looking for discussion..not even necessarily support. Don't waste any more of your time on this one. You both want different things, and you are obviously not going to be happy with her going out with other guys while you want to be the only one she sees. Time to cut your losses and move on. She's not LTR material.
geegirl Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 This is perfectly put. I like this. I wish I could show this to all the people who think that relationships don't take work. Thanks geegirl. Glad to help Chelsea. I do have to thank my ex for helping me see the light!
ChelseaLS Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Glad to help Chelsea. I do have to thank my ex for helping me see the light! I wish my ex could see this, so that he could see the light lol.
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