Onlyjonley Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I'm sure this has been discussed a gazillion times on here but I was just curious as to what others thought. When I'm with someone else, I have no desire to converse or interact with my previous boyfriends nor would I want to, out of respect for my current relationship.
OriginalPenguin Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I'm sure this has been discussed a gazillion times on here but I was just curious as to what others thought. When I'm with someone else, I have no desire to converse or interact with my previous boyfriends nor would I want to, out of respect for my current relationship. Like most things, it depends Are there minor children between the two? If so it is unreasonable to expect no contact at all. What sort of talk is it? The answer to that question is going to be all over the place. Your question is a little vague, can you be more specific?
Pierre Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Where there was once a fire you often find residual smoldering ashes that have the potential to ignite once again. It is not appropriate unless there are children involved. However, there are people who are able to completely romantically tune off prior lovers despite an ongoing active friendship. Nevertheless, I think most of those folks are cake eaters.
oaks Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 When I'm with someone else, I have no desire to converse or interact with my previous boyfriends nor would I want to, out of respect for my current relationship. So long as both parties have moved on, and it's okay with any new partners, then it's fine. That's several 'ifs' in a line, so plenty of situations in which it wouldn't be fine. I keep in touch with some exes - even been to some of their weddings - but there are some who I don't care to speak with. There's no drama in either case, it's just that some people are my friends and some people aren't.
RiverRunning Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 My partner actually lied to me for close to a year in our own relationship, after telling me several times that he was no longer in contact with his ex. About a month before the big reveal, I found out that he still had her phone number on his cell when we were sitting together and he was searching for a number. That was a punch in the face, since their relationship was short-term and long-distance, and they'd been broken up that point for 3 years. It hurts badly to be deceived like that. I was wearing blindfolds over my eyes because until I found out about that, I just kind of shrugged it off when he waxed overly positive about his ex. I kept telling myself, "He'll get over it," or "I'm just being insecure," or "I can't bring this up or I'm going to look bad." I'm telling you right now - unless the two shared minor children together, I would bail PRONTO if a guy were still talking to an ex. I think that's usually the obvious exception when people say, "I don't want someone talking to an ex." Many of the people here are relatively young and don't have children, so that exception doesn't immediately come to mind. Granted, there are some people who want NO contact even when there are kids involved, which is just excessive and insane to me, but I'd say they're probably far and few in between. That said, if the parents are talking, their talk needs to be focused on the CHILD. If one partner is still carrying an obvious torch for the other, some serious boundaries need to be set so one or both of the parents can protect their current relationships. My feeling is this - these people obviously had something in common to start dating (not always, but usually). They had some kind of friendship. They were obviously physically and sexually attracted to one another. I just don't see how "we're exes, but friends," can really mesh together. What is keeping that fire from reigniting? That physical attraction is still probably there and when you've got the friendship mixed in, you're playing a dangerous game where one or both are likely to become interested, if one or both aren't already interested. A guy has his right to be friends with an ex. But I would not date him or continue to date him if I found that out. Life is too short to live it as second best or to compete for a guy's affection with a girl who should be done and over with. Is it possible for some people? Yes, but with some very strict boundaries set in place. But I would not blame a woman who feels that her boyfriend hanging out with his ex, calling his ex, talking to her online, or sharing his relationship problems with his ex is wrong. Now, is the ex someone you dated in high school? Was it not serious? Was it VERY brief? Those all come into consideration when deciding if it's OK to see one another. My boyfriend dated a girl on-and-off in high school. If she came around now and they saw each other sparingly, I would not feel threatened. But the ex who caused so much trouble in our relationship because he couldn't let her go - and with whom he shared a sexual relationship? Never again.
Jane2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) Basically, it depends. I think some people are just so clearly over each other, and it's so far in the past, that yes, you can see that it would be "okay" for them to talk. My ex and I are like that. He and I are like brother and sister now. We talk to each other about our new romantic situations. We've been around each other tons of times since our breakup, sometimes even having a drink, and have never even remotely considered laying a hand on each other. Totally like bro and sis now. Any boyfriend of mine or girlfriend of his, in my opinion, would HAVE to okay us still talking and being friends. Or at least, they'd be silly not to be okay with it. But other situations are a little too fresh and maybe with a little too much spark still there. There is this guy I had a fling with this summer who was my friend before we had a fling, and we also ended the fling amicably. But he doesn't talk to me anymore because he's with some girl. I'd like to still talk to him, but I think it's understandable that we don't. We had sex twice, and it was just five months ago. Also, I'm still attracted to him and he probably is to me, too. Being alone with him or even having phone conversations would be filled with a lot of sexual tension, I think. His gf may not even know much about me (don't know what he tells her and doesn't tell her), but I would say it would be smart of her to say to him, "You can't talk to her" (as in me) because I'd totally have sex with him again! Edited November 18, 2011 by Jane2011
mpc2012 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 well, my ex talked to her ex who was her kids father so I didn't mind it, plus he was a great father, even welcomed me being his son's step dad. I think we should let them converse and see what happens. if they are friends it's for a reason.
ShannonMI Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 I'm sure this has been discussed a gazillion times on here but I was just curious as to what others thought. When I'm with someone else, I have no desire to converse or interact with my previous boyfriends nor would I want to, out of respect for my current relationship. There really is no reason to still be in contact with an ex unless you have children together. I'm with you, I have no desire to be friendly with my exes. Mostly because I just DON"T. They are an ex for a reason and there is no need to still have contact.
skelterhelter Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 I don't like it one bit. I believe exes should stay exes and should stay in the past. Don't get me wrong... if my guy were to run into an old girlfriend in public and chatted with her, catching up on old times, I wouldn't flip out. But hanging out, talking on the phone all the time, sharing secrets... no effin' way. In fact, I'm super threatened by the fact that my current boyfriend (new relationship of only 3 months) still talks to his ex (whom he dated for 10 years, but broke up 5 years ago. I'm like...why still talk to her when it ended so long ago? Why even go there? It's definitely a touchy subject for me. I feel as if my relationship with him can't even compare to their 10 year thing. He spent 3 nights a week at her place and they even bought dogs together ("their" dogs. Makes me sick to even think about). So, no, I'm definitely not a fan of my boyfriend talking to an ex. I feel no need to do it because I have respect for him and our relationship. Also, I feel no need to. My past relationships are dead and buried in mind, so why rehash anything? I don't see why he can't do the same
mammamia1 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 I'm friendly with all my exes, and have no problem with my boyfriend talking to his exes (well, I don't have bf at the moment, but I did in the past). The 1st time I would be curious about the girl, but he would tell me about her, where she lives or what she does now. Then I would feel normal, like she's just another female acquaintance. Sometimes the girl even hanged out with me, we were all comfortable. An ex = someone who was great to begin with, which is why you started dating them. Usually you break up because you don't get along. I don't see why you should remove him/her from your life completely. I would like to keep them as friends. I talk to them a few times a year since most have moved, Merry Xmas, birthday, how's your kid doing etc. If they live closer I may talk a little more often (as friends), make no secret about that. Most people here think different than me, but please refrain from cursing me Btw, I'm a 20 something years old girl.
phineas Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 woman I dated had a habit of describing the sexual prowess of her ex's. One in particular she said was fantastic but verbally abusive, treated her badly & after 4 yrs wouldn't marry her. But they were friends before so she was still friends. Granted she would always tell me when he contacted her or she talked to him (supposedly) However she had another ex that she claimed was txting her for booty calls. She claimed she ignored him but he had been doing it for a few months according to her. Long story short turned out she was in fact contacting him. So women who still talk to ex's = someone I will never get serious with. Oh and shortly after one of her ex's lent her 7 grand to pay off a high interest credit card & she had joked about him accepting sex for payments once also when she was mentioning needing money. Yeah, their just friends.
Author Onlyjonley Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 I ask because it has been a minor issue in my relationship. Well ... not even an issue but it came up a couple months ago. We have only been together 6 months. My boyfriend dated this girl 3 or 4 years ago and for a very short time. She broke up with him out of nowhere. She was friends with his group of friends so she has still been around since then. There are quite a few tagged pictures of them on Facebook over from the past couple of years -- but supposedly they have never pursued anything romantically again since they broke up and have just remained friends. The first time the topic of his ex came up in our relationship was about 2 months after we started dating. She was going to be in town and wanted to hang out. As soon as she asked him, he let me know and wanted to know if that was okay, and that he'd be taking some of his friends along. I said yes, as long as it doesn't become a normal thing. A couple weeks later, she wanted to hang out again and had texted my boyfriend a few times. I got upset and told him I didn't understand why he even wanted to still be in contact with her if it was in the past. He said they had ended on good terms and still hung out in the same circle. But because I got upset, he ended up cutting off contact with her for fear it would threaten our relationship. Was I out of line? I don't want to be an irrational, psycho girlfriend. But my concern is ... she is the one who broke up with him and he has still hung out with her all of these years since then -- what if he still has lingering feelings for her? And what if he feels the need to hide communication with her now that he knows how I will react? I love my boyfriend and we have a wonderful relationship. I feel so blessed to be with him and I am 100% sure he's the one for me. I was burned in my past relationship and I don't want to take out that leftover hurt/paranoia on him but I just think exes should be left in the past.
sarcrb Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Was I out of line? I don't want to be an irrational, psycho girlfriend. But my concern is ... she is the one who broke up with him and he has still hung out with her all of these years since then -- what if he still has lingering feelings for her? And what if he feels the need to hide communication with her now that he knows how I will react? Personally, I don't think you were out of line. If it makes you uneasy, I think that it's great that he agreed to cut her out. I think that's what a guy should do out of respect for you and your relationship with him.
sarcrb Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I just found out that my boyfriend of 7 months still keeps in touch with his ex as well. It's usually just a "hey how are you?" kind of thing and it's months apart between communication, but nothing deeper as far as I can tell. I'm not sure how I feel about this because I know that he was really in love with her and it was only about a year and a half ago since it ended, which may or may not be that long. I'm not sure what exactly what happened between them, because he also never talks about her, which I'm not sure is a good sign or not. I'd prefer it if they stopped all communication as well but I'm not sure if it's a big issue or not, especially since she lives a couple of hours away.
nixa Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 I think it's a good sign that he stopped talking to her when he realized you were uncomfortable with it. I don't think you acted psycho - I think that it's fairly normal to have those thoughts and feelings. If he really wanted you to be comfortable with the situation he should have asked you to go with him when he met up with her (and the other friends). That would have given you some more insight into their dynamic as well.
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