letter to a therapist

[Lucid1]

There are all kinds of situations represented here on the forum. In my case I think the divorce was a mistake facilitated by the lousy resources out there. We tried three therapists and two of them, within the first meeting, gave up. Told me "When the woman says it's over, it's over." So, later, I wrote each of the two a letter, which I've posted below. Whattya think?

 

 

Dr.,

 

You may remember that my wife and I had one visit with you over a year ago. We came in searching for help with our fracturing marriage. We both were scared and in desperate need of some professional help.

 

To my dismay, instead of the professional support we hoped for, within fifteen minutes or so into our first meeting us you effectively pronounced our marriage over and told me “When the woman says it’s over, it’s over.”

 

 

This, from a professional whom we came to for help?

 

Well, as it happens it is over, we are now divorced. No, I am not writing to complain or blame. However, in the last two years, in an attempt to understand what happened to my marriage, I’ve devoured over 100 psychology, philosophy, personality, behavior and marriage therapy books, everything from pop culture books from Borders to textbooks from UT, ranging from Pema Chodron to John Gottman to John C. Malone to Myers/Briggs research to the DSM-IV.

 

I’m no expert and don’t claim to be, but I have learned something I’d like to pass on to you in hopes of helping the next terrified couple sitting before you.

 

You gave up too soon.

 

Not once did you say to us “You know, you have something valuable here; 13 years of marriage, a wonderful son, no major problems, (adultery, abuse, alcohol, drugs, etc) let’s see if we can save this marriage and make it a better one.”

 

Before you reject my statement, look at my evidence.

 

First, the effort of working to repair a marriage is, relatively speaking, inconsequential compared to the devastation a divorce wreaks. As you know, probably better than most, divorce puts a cost on our society that is absolutely devastating. Almost half of our kids come from broken homes now and what does that teach them about commitment, cooperation, love, maturity? I don’t need to tell you how harmful divorce is, but when I read statements like this I want to cry:

 

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services explains in its new and exhaustive report, Family Structure and Children's Health in the United States: Findings from the National Health Interview Survey, 2001-2007, that children living with their own married biological or adoptive mothers and fathers were generally healthier and happier, had better access to healthcare, less likely to suffer mild or severe emotional problems, did better in school, were protected from physical, emotional and sexual abuse and almost never live in poverty, compared with children in any other family form. In fact, in all the ways we know how to measure child well-being, having a married mother and father is consistently shown to be the ideal family form across all important measures.

 

And yet, within the space of our first meeting, knowing we had a son, you decided we were done? I don’t get it.

 

Even my ex went into your office in hopes of figuring out a way to salvage our marriage.

 

To take just one example from one of the books I read; “Emotional Intelligence”, by Daniel Goleman, says that emotional intelligence is “extremely malleable”. Well, I can tell you that I was damn sure malleable. I would have done anything to save our marriage. I believe, at that point, my now-ex wife was also willing to try. Otherwise she wouldn’t have wasted her time going to three different therapists with me.

 

Another view of malleability: “I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding.”

 

But in our case I never got the chance.

 

Why do professionals such as yourself feel like they can make such a life-defining judgment in a one hour visit? Well, as I learned, they don’t all respond that way. Here’s a quote from another viewpoint:

 

“Often, in the eleventh hour, those who I believe to be the least likely to mend their relationships are the ones who make it. If, when you are working with a couple, you think you can tell when their marriage is dead, you should refer them to someone else."

 

This is not just this one person’s opinion I am quoting, either. This just happens to be one of the more concise ways to phrase the sentiment that I found. I ran into this same attitude; that marriage is, in most cases, worth the effort needed to save it, over and over again, especially in the more current literature.

The attitude of “When the woman says it’s over, it’s over” is, in the face of what we’ve learned about human relationships, obsolete. Instead, the tools are there to help a great many people. It’s up to professionals such as yourself to make damn sure those tools are made available to couples like my wife and I and to teach them how to use those tools.

 

I will always believe that two things would have saved our marriage. One being that we, or perhaps I, had recognized the severity of the problem and gotten help sooner. The second being that if we’d found a marriage therapist who would have gotten to know us before making a judgment, slowed things down and given us time to breath, and then stood up and said “You know, you have something valuable here; 13 years of marriage, a wonderful son, no major problems, (adultery, abuse, alcohol, drugs, etc) let’s see if we can save this marriage and make it a better one”, we would still be married.

 

We did find someone like that, but by then, alas, it was too late.

 

So the next time some distraught couple comes into your office please don’t assume anything. Hand them some tools.

[reboot]

Those "therapists" should have their licenses revoked.

 

By the way, your letter was incredible. I doubt they did, but I hope it made those two feel like crap. Reading between the lines, I think your ex lost a very good man.

[Yasuandio]

I agree with the points you make in your letter. I also believe your summary of the research.

 

However, your letter has anger, pain, and scorn written all over it. Furthermore, if you are to be taken seriously when reviewing the iterature, you must make proper citations (especially when making broad generalizations regarding the shared knowledge and/or perspective in the field).

 

Nevertheless, it was probably a cathartic experience for you. If one was to record your experience in a proper format, the associations your so-called therapists belong to would be ashamed of their colleagues.

 

I am very sorry that these practioners destroyed what hope may have been possible between you and your wife. Have you considered sharing the letter with your former wife? It is never too late to find a proper therapist, and it doesn't always have to be a "doctor."

[whichwayisup]

However, your letter has anger, pain, and scorn written all over it.

Your interpretation is just one opinion.

 

Lucid, I think your letter was amazing. So heartfelt, honest and sincere. Sure you can see the pain you went through, the frustration, but again it's honest and emotional too. That therapist might learn something from you, so please, send the letter if you haven't already.

[Steadfast]

I do not hide my disdain for the hired councilor, most of whom are neither 'professional' or 'therapists'. Discovering blame or cause hardly ever seems to help. IMO, true healing comes from digging out, not digging in.

 

That said, he is right...or at least for the overwhelming majority of women.

 

I admire your effort and congratulate you on a well written letter, but blaming anyone besides you or your wife for the demise of your marriage is a mistake. And while I agree that outside forces can make a bad situation worse, the glut of people 'in counseling' continue to shop until they find one that says what they want to hear. In your wife's case, it might have been one-stop shopping.

 

Sorry it happened. Thanks for the valuable post-

Edited November 18, 2011 by Steadfast

[Lucid1]

You all make some great observations. Yasuandio, you nailed it. I did that for the cathartic value. I doubt my letter make a bit of difference to either one, really, but DAMN it felt good to mail it off.

[Yasuandio]

You all make some great observations. Yasuandio, you nailed it. I did that for the cathartic value. I doubt my letter make a bit of difference to either one, really, but DAMN it felt good to mail it off.

 

That's my name, don't wear it out! Good luck to you Mr. Lucid! Yas